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Holiday with my two best friends - AIBU?

(52 Posts)
grapelovingweirdo Fri 12-Apr-13 17:37:21

DP doesn't want me to go, got angry when he found out earlier.

I don't understand what his problem is and wish he would just trust me.

He is absolutely amazing most of the time too, he seems to think that there is an issue because my friends are single. They are lovely though and not caners, he has met them both and gets on well with them, both female.

Am I unreasonable to wonder if I'm in the right relationship? This is the man who lied about being divorced from the mother of his kids for a year and a half (found out on Facebook!)

He often accuses me of making myself up to be more attractive to men (I do it to look and feel good for myself)

Am I being totally selfish? I'm 28, he is 40 if that makes a difference.

pinkyredrose Sat 13-Apr-13 12:42:30

Well done OP!

gonerogue Sat 13-Apr-13 12:31:59

Just wanted to say well done on recognising the situation and getting out of it before you are too deep. Enjoy the holiday.

grapelovingweirdo Sat 13-Apr-13 12:24:13

Shit!! I added paragraphs and they disappeared. Fail confused

grapelovingweirdo Sat 13-Apr-13 12:23:43

Thanks so much everyone. I can see how feeble I must appear just from reading my posts back. I'm definitely going though. Have just booked! Am also enrolling on a boot camp scheme to get buff and feel good. I think it's about time. I'm a songwriter (only well known locally) and the majority of my songs lately have been so sad. Says something right there. I really love this man and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him laughing, making music and cuddling. I'm devastated it will never happen but have to remove myself from an ea environment. You guys have been really helpful smile

DontmindifIdo Sat 13-Apr-13 12:01:30

If he says it will end your relationship, then tell him that's his choice, but that you think he's being a controlling bully and so if he wants a woman he can control, then it's probably best you end your relationship now as you'll be leaving him for that later. Or he can deal with his insecurities.

Did his ex cheat? Can you point out to him if you wanted to cheat you could in the UK easily, so he has to think about what he wants, to always be single because he can't trust someone else, or to accept that he can't control anohter person's behaviour, just trust that they will be faithful.

It's now not about the holiday, this is going to define the rest of your relationship. If he's forced to confront his desire to control you and realise he can't, then you might have a future, if not, then what's the point being with him? He'll make you miserable for the rest of your life, the laughing until it hurts etc will become fewer and further apart.

Personally, I think you'd be better off ending this relationship, but it's your choice, just don't back down on the holiday. I'd also say one "I bet you cheated" type comment from him when you come back and you will end your relationship there and then.

Hopasholic Sat 13-Apr-13 11:46:53

Call his bluff then. He really is a controlling manipulator.

Things won't improve as you'll start doing thigs for a 'quiet life' if you let him dictate to you.

YonirockandrollbutIlikeit Sat 13-Apr-13 11:43:18

YANBU. Get rid.

pinkyredrose Sat 13-Apr-13 11:42:53

YANBU . You just appear to have fallen in.love with an arsehole.

Pigsmummy Sat 13-Apr-13 11:35:30

I was with a man for 11 years, I worked and was successful in the travel industry requiring trips away, however the grief I got from him when going away was so awful that I tried to avoid the (fantastic and free!) trips. I finally left him and regret staying so long. I wished that I had taken every trip going now! Go for it and tell him that he can't dictate to you about this holiday.

Incidentally this ex is single still, 12 years after I left him and lives with his Mum now.....

sparkle12mar08 Sat 13-Apr-13 11:31:34

Run, and don't look back. Don't waste the next couple of years um-ing and ahh-ing over it and then find yourself alone in your early thirties having to start again.

squeakytoy Sat 13-Apr-13 11:18:19

He is a control freak.. let it be the end of the relationship, because believe me, it wont get any better, all he will do is isolate you until you have no friends, and rely completely on him.

You are not useless. And trust me, he is NOT amazing.

grapelovingweirdo Sat 13-Apr-13 11:03:19

Thing is, it makes me feel so shit. He says I am clearly not invested in him, that I don't care about him and that my friends are more important. I saved enough money to o away with him too. Of course he is my priority.

grapelovingweirdo Sat 13-Apr-13 11:01:24

Now he says he sees this as the end of the relationship. I'm useless and I don't do anything for him

quoteunquote Fri 12-Apr-13 23:42:42

Alec Guinness voice on,

This isn't the man you are looking for.

Alec Guinness voice off.

schoolgovernor Fri 12-Apr-13 23:33:04

p.s. It wouldn't kill you to leave him.

schoolgovernor Fri 12-Apr-13 23:31:45

Go on holiday. It will give you a bit of time and space to reflect on your relationship. If he really kicks up about you booking it and life gets really unpleasant then you've got your answer.

grapelovingweirdo Fri 12-Apr-13 23:19:49

Never said i was determined to stay. After the horror of my last relationship, I'm reluctant to suffer in a similar way. Just wanted to check I wasn't being u

maddening Fri 12-Apr-13 22:57:15

Well if you are determined to stay I would suggest counselling as a couple - he needs to sort out these issues.

Saski Fri 12-Apr-13 21:37:42

My husband is like this intermittently. It's not a good quality. It will get worse.

grapelovingweirdo Fri 12-Apr-13 21:07:33

Jacey, the more the merrier!

JaceyBee Fri 12-Apr-13 20:20:18

Am slightly envy myself, wish I had 2 single friends. They're all popping out babies now and I'm a single mum. Actually, can I come with you? grin

JaceyBee Fri 12-Apr-13 20:18:26

In answer to your question, no you are definitely not BU.

I wouldn't necessarily say you have to leave him over this, but you really should make it very clear that you can and will be going on this holiday. He may be jealous and jealousy feels awful but it is HIS problem, don't let him make it yours.

He will just have to sit with the anxiety and tolerate it. You can reassure him that you love him and have no intention of cheating but I think if you give in to him on this it will be the start of a slippery slope and you will end up conceding more and more ground.

I think this may well set a precedent for the rest of your relationship. Assert your right to independence now!

foosty Fri 12-Apr-13 19:07:09

ok, sorry I misread that. But anyway, he sounds bad. I had a jealous boyfriend once and it was hellish - I couldn't ever go out without him without a huge stink, and one time I was in a club and spotted him standing in a dark corner, alone, staring at me <shudder>

The thing is, this won't get any better. He wants you doing as he pleases, which is why the thought of you going on holiday without him is causing such an issue. He can't control you if you're not by his side. You might feel loved and cherished at the moment, but believe me it's only a matter of time until you feel smothered and controlled.

Get rid, then go on holiday and have a ball. Be single - it's brilliant if you want it to be!

seriouscakeeater Fri 12-Apr-13 19:03:15

Op this thread is going to be hijacked very soon with lots of posters shouting ''leave the bastard!'' and I hate those. Some times Op's come on just to vent a little and get things of there chest and it quickly turns in to a massive DP bashing. In this case though...

In your Op you have listed 3 red flags in this relationship and I think you all ready know that its not healthy.

I would leave ( and did after toooo long) but have a feeling you wont...at least be adamant that you are going on the holiday, and go.

Good luck, think your gonna need it .

grapelovingweirdo Fri 12-Apr-13 18:57:30

Ragwort, I'm not at all offended and you are quite right. I've only had one other relationship, the fact that I've never been on my own was never a conscious decision though. Believe it or not, I'm very independent, have a good job, lots of good friends. We're not co dependent or anything. I had that before and know the difference. This latest thing really doesn't feel right though and I'm trying to be mature and make the right decision; hence my op

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