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To tell my daughter to bite another child back?

(46 Posts)
applecrumblepie Fri 12-Apr-13 14:51:56

Hey, I'm pretty sure that this is a fairly emotive subject: About six months ago I got a new neighbour (a couple with 1 girl and 1 boy). Their daughter is the same age as my one - 6. I've really gone out of my way to be friendly and I've encouraged the two girls to play together. But, the girls' friendship has been a bit 'fraught' - you know, the usual bickering, but a couple of my dd's toys have either disappeared off the face of the earth or have been broken. There have also been a couple of incidents when this other girl has bitten mine. I have had a quiet word with the mother, but I've been met with a "it's six of one and half a dozen of the other" and "my child doesn't bite" attitude. I've always encouraged my dd not to bite, hit or nip. However, these easter school hols have been an absolute hell! Pretty much from the first day of the hols, my neighbours have pretty much sent their 'angel' to my house where she has remained for most of the day - until I sent her home for tea (I fed and watered her during the day). I did eventually get really fed up and started to refuse drinks and snacks and sent the girl home for them instead. Many times not once did they knock on me to see how their angel was doing.

Anyway, yesterday, this other girl bit my dd on the back of her shoulder so hard she broke the skin! Naturally, I was very mad (my frustration has been building for a long time), so once I inspected and cleaned my dd's wound, I promptly took the other girl home and through gritted teeth told the mother that her angel had bitten my daughter AGAIN. A few minutes later, while I was still consoling my dd, there was a loud banging on my door - it was my neighbour and her angel. She very rudely shouted at me that her angel had told her she hadn't bitten my dd and that she'd done it herself!!! Well! I exploded angry ! I told her in no uncertain terms that my dd could not turn her head that much and bite her own bloody shoulder hard enough to break the skin. I gave her a bit of my mind and I was a little unkind. I told this woman that her little sod is no longer welcome in my home and neither is she. I really thought that she was going to give me a thump. But then, guess who knocks on my door this morning? Yip, the angel: "is R coming out to play?" I did say no, but my dd must have a very short memory because she did want to play with her.

I know I've rambled a bit - but because biting is an emotive subject to lots of people I wanted to give you the full story. If I let my daughter continue the friendship, AIBU to say to her - if the little angel bites, nips or hits you - then do it back?

YoniGirlInTheWorld Fri 12-Apr-13 14:54:58

I'd move. if your neighbour thinks your child really is capable of turning her head 180 degrees and having a chomp on her own back then the exorcists are probably already on their way.

applecrumblepie Fri 12-Apr-13 14:57:21

I'd prefer it if they's move! I've been here for a long time - plus I bought at the height of the market, so financially I'd lose out! sad

TimeIsACurrency Fri 12-Apr-13 14:57:29

I wouldn't tell her to bite back.
But I would never let my DD continue this friendship.

If the neighbour's DD shows up, just send her home and tell her she cannot play at your house anymore.

ElleMcFearsome Fri 12-Apr-13 14:57:29

I don't like the tit for tat mentality much, personally I'd not be having the little angel round or having her playing unsupervised with my DD, and if she gets send round, bloody well send her back - you are not an unpaid babysitter!. Also, some parents can't accept that their DC does anything wrong ever sad. But also what Yoni <snurk> said!

hillyhilly Fri 12-Apr-13 14:58:15

If your dd wants to continue the friendship then let her but if you don't want this child in your home then you are perfectly within your rights to send her home.
Why don't you speak to the child yourself and explain very clearly that she must not bite or hit and that if she does she will be sent home and then send her home regularly for feeding or whenever you feel she's been there too long.
You must not encourage your child to stoop to her level, it doesn't sound as though she's parented well.

Pandemoniaa Fri 12-Apr-13 14:58:58

YWB very U to suggest that biting the other child back is an appropriate remedy. Two wrongs never make a right. But I'd avoid having the biter in your house again.

This is the thing when kids fall out - they forget about 5 minutes after by which time the parents have fallen out.

However, the woman sounds ridiculous, how on earth could your DD bite herself on the shoulder!! If you can just distance your DD from her, it all sounds like a right headache.

specialsubject Fri 12-Apr-13 14:59:36

What TimeisaCurrency said. Tell the little girl 'sorry, but you bit my daughter so she isn't your friend any more. Go home'.

glad your daughter has forgotten - so keep it that way.

Biting absolutely isn't acceptable but it can often be caused by frustration. I would also try and figure out WHY the other child bit because there 'could' be something you could teach your own child to avoid another child from 'wanting' to bite her.

If the above sounds strange it is because my dd was recently bitten again by the same child at school. This child's language isn't as good as my dd's who can run rings around her and who is VERY bosy and persistent. When the teacher told me, she also told me that quite honestly my child was asking for it, though she doesn't condone the behaviour.

AnyFucker Fri 12-Apr-13 15:01:10

Yanbu until your very last sentence

Don't let them play together....you are in charge, remember

And I would never encourage biting even in retaliation

Pixieonthemoor Fri 12-Apr-13 15:02:17

I can see how that would be tempting but I would say no, don't suggest your dd does the same to her. I would tell her to come straight home and, if there is visible physical evidence, I would take a dated, timed photo in case the mother comes knocking again and you can provide proof. Or just stop them playing altogether - doesn't sound like a match made in heaven and you are clearly not going to get any traction with the mother.

On another note, isn't 6 a bit old for biting? I know that it is par for the course that some toddlers will be a bit bitey but I have never heard of it in a 6 year old. Happy to be told I'm wrong though.

applecrumblepie Fri 12-Apr-13 15:02:53

No, I don't like the tit for tat mentality either. I'd rather that my daughter didn't stoop so low. I hope that I'm bringing her up well but I hate the fact that she doesn't retaliate (as far as I am aware). I have talked to the other girl and explained that biting is not nice, etc, etc - but it falls of deaf ears and she is only 6. I didn't allow the girl to come in - I made a point of going out of the house to an activity centre and I certainly won't encourage a friendship - the problem is they are in the same class at school!

YoniGirlInTheWorld Fri 12-Apr-13 15:02:57

In all seriousness don't encourage your child to be violent. its good that she isn't. Try and smooth things over with your neighbour if you don't want an atmosphere ( I wouldn't be bothered personally). Otherwise keep them apart. if this child attacks your child each time she comes to play then its worth putting a complete stop to her visits. I wouldn't even answer the door.

applecrumblepie Fri 12-Apr-13 15:06:04

Pixie - that's what I thought that 6 is way too old for the biting stage: but I think it may be the case that this girl isn't getting her own way ... heck, I don't know!

5318008 Fri 12-Apr-13 15:06:20

just don't have the child over again, discourage the friendship. If she comes to the door, say no, not today

so what if they are in the same class, tough

[folds arms]

applecrumblepie Fri 12-Apr-13 15:10:43

Yoni - I'd rather not smooth things over with the neighbour. Sure, I can be civil - but it was a one side friendship anyway - I gave, she took. I'm too soft for my own good!

And - 5318008 smile

TimeIsACurrency Fri 12-Apr-13 15:11:37

So speak to the teacher and tell her what's been happening and that you want them separated?

applecrumblepie Fri 12-Apr-13 15:15:06

I could do that Timeisacurrency - I've been led to believe that their teacher is aware of a problem with this girl anyway (from a couple of other parents). Even though this happened out of school, I'll still mention it - just so they're aware there may be a potential problem. Thanks!

edwardsmum11 Fri 12-Apr-13 15:16:15

I wouldn't tell her to bite her back, I'd end the friendship and not let her near your daughter.

Smartieaddict Fri 12-Apr-13 15:18:13

I would not encourage your DD to bite back, I can imagine that going horribly wrong! I would not have the neighbours child in the house and don't let your DD play with her. If they want to be friends at school, then that's fine. It might be worth asking the teacher to keep an eye on things there though.

You know yourself that you should not tell your daughter to retaliate. And you have already done the right thing by telling the neighbour that neither she nor her daughter is welcome in your home. Any time the daughter comes a-knocking, just say firmly "No, you bite." (I think it's important that she knows why you don't want her to play with your DD, then there's a chance she'll learn not to do it - far better for her in the long term, even though it might upset her now.)

applecrumblepie Fri 12-Apr-13 15:22:29

angry Some people just don't listen! I've just had to go a send the little angel on her merry way back home again! This time, she was in my rear garden playing on the swing set! Tsk! Let's see if mother comes knocking.

ScarlettInSpace Fri 12-Apr-13 15:22:52

To be fair, I think you know the answer isn't for her to bite back - when I get dragged into referring SK's [8 & 4] fighting I seem to say 'just because s/he hit you does not mean you should hit him/her back' more than any other phrase!

Agree with everyone else, at 6 you have complete control over who your daughter plays with outside the school yard so I'd be exercising that fully, and I think you'd be right to make their teacher aware so it can be monitored in school.

applecrumblepie Fri 12-Apr-13 15:26:49

Yeah, you're all correct. I know telling my child to bite back is not the answer. You know how it is - someone is hurting your child. It makes you spitting mad!

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