to feel judged that I have 4 DCs......

(44 Posts)
SlowlyWakingUp Fri 12-Apr-13 10:38:08

Not only on here, but in RL and by my own toxic family too and I am sick of it!

DD1 - very much planned, mortgage arranged and house bought before the pee stick was dry.
DD2 - died at birth.
DSs 1 & 2 - twins, could hardly plan for having 2. They were conceived 6 weeks after we lost DD2, a grief shag if you will. I had just gone back on the pill but it obviously had not kicked in. I was in deep grief and shellshock at that point and did certainly not wish to become pregnant again, in fact I was shattered when I discovered it.
DS3 - I never got over the loss of DD2 and felt immense guilt that had missed out on a sister. As I got older I had a massive misplaced urge to have another baby girl to 'replace' DD2, in fact I had another DS (very much loved as they all are). I was devastated when I found out it was to be a DS but have since had counselling to deal with the loss of DD2 which I should have had 12 years ago but I got caught up in my new pregnancy and put my grief to one side. I would never have had another DC if that had not happened and only someone who has lost a DC can understand what I felt.

Please do not judge people on how many DCs they have and their perceived 'irresponsibilty' of over populating the planet. It is often much more complicated than that they simply 'selfishly' WANT another DC.

SlowlyWakingUp Fri 12-Apr-13 10:39:51

should be * felt immense guilt that DD1 had missed out on a sister*

everlong Fri 12-Apr-13 10:39:59

Really?

I have 5 dc. I don't feel judged.

higgle Fri 12-Apr-13 10:42:54

3 of my close friends have 4 children ( incl one set of IVF twins) I've never given it a second thought. Now you mention it the fact that 3 of our little social group have none at all sort of levels it out. I have two sons and would have liked a third child, but life somehow got in the way.

holeinmytights Fri 12-Apr-13 10:43:04

So sorry for your loss.Xx

SkinnybitchWannabe Fri 12-Apr-13 10:44:43

Ive got 3 ds and would love another. If I saw a mum out with her 4 dc Id think how lucky she was..so no judging from me. smile
Sorry for your loss x

janey68 Fri 12-Apr-13 10:44:59

This is relating to your other thread isn't it? I don't think people are judging at all tbh, simply stating facts. The more children you have the more expensive (and problematic) it tends to become, particularly if you wish to continue working as you say in your other thread

We'd have loved 3, but stopped at 2, precisely for those reasons.
Be content with your choices And don't worry about what others do

MrsPatrickDempsey Fri 12-Apr-13 10:45:07

What exactly makes you feel judged? I can't really imagine why - sorry.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 12-Apr-13 10:54:12

I've never noticed any judgement of people I know that have four children. it's a shame that you feel this way, especially if its your own worry rather than what is actually happening.

I can't imagine any reason why you would be judged for having four children unless your family was unemployed.

ruledbyheart Fri 12-Apr-13 10:54:38

Im always getting judged in RL I have 3 under 5yrs and pregnant with DC4, I'm only 24yrs old so get a lot of comments and looks, but stuff them I say its your life and yes maybe over population is a problem but me only having two children wouldn't change that, my sister only has one and my two older siblings have none so it evens out nicely.

Sokmonsta Fri 12-Apr-13 10:57:37

Why are you feeling judged? I have 4dc. All planned but never at the time they arrived iyswim. Pregnancy 3 was dts here too.

I have had some looks and more comments along the lines of 'double trouble' 'bet you've got your hands full' 'don't you have a tv' (mine were 4 under 4 when dts arrived.) but that's from people who are probably more genuinely interested but don't actually know what to say without sounding stupid (are the twins identical, err. No, one's a girl and one's a boy, see?)

I think you feeling judged perhaps relates to your feeling of replacing your dd2, even if it is now resolved. It's an understandable reaction on your part. I also guess you may have come under some form of depression. I have pnd following the twins. It skews how I feel people perceive me and I do often think more negatively.

Startail Fri 12-Apr-13 11:29:43

I try not to judge the sizes and make up of people's families or their age gaps. You can never know the reasons, unplanned PGs, infertility treatments and losses they may have suffered along the way.

If family who know about your DD still judge then that is simply wrong.

IYoniWantToBeWithYou Fri 12-Apr-13 11:40:04

I have had 6 children, my son and my daughter both died within a few weeks of being born so I have 4 children here with me. I understand the family judgement, in fact with my last pregnancy a family member said 'I assume you are getting sterilised now' instead of congratulations upon hearing my news. But I never get judgement (that I know of) from the outside world or on here.

In the gentlest possible way I am a bit upset about your I would never have had another DC if that had not happened and only someone who has lost a DC can understand what I felt. comment though.

I have spent years explaining that my children are individuals and not replacements for my son and daughter.

Nearly every bereaved parent I know has had a 'oh well just have another one' type comment aimed at them at some point and has been very upset by it, or they feel that their child has been forgotton when they have another baby. Those comments, as you are probably all too aware of, are so hard to live with anyway, but people will feel justified in saying them if they feel that our children are 'replacable' so for you to express that feeling on behalf of us all isn't really helpful.

Are you still continuing with the counselling? It really sounds like you have a lot of other issues going on with your family and your feelings so hopefully you are still attending and getting some help with that.

I am so sorry for your loss flowers

PatFenis Fri 12-Apr-13 11:44:50

I have 6 DC but have never felt judged, that's probably because I don't really give a shit for other people's thoughts on the size of my family. Quite frankly its nobody elses business how many children you choose to have so let them judge away and you enjoy your children.

coldwater Fri 12-Apr-13 11:45:53

I have 9 children alive, one dead. My first baby died when he was 4 months old.

Yes i feel judged by people (not on here as i rarely post) but in public people are so rude and ignorant. Openly counting my kids out loud like they are bits of meat and the comments! Shocking.

I would never speak to people and ask the personal questions i get thrown. Just because i have more than two kids i am not public property and a bit of respect would go a long way!

Ashoething Fri 12-Apr-13 11:46:14

Op-it is not really the done thing on mn to start a thread about a thread-even if it is your own.

Also you are being very disingenuous-people on the other thread were NOT judging the fact that you have 4 dcs at all. They were questioning why you kept choosing to have dcs with a man who doesn't respect you and also how that fits in with your determination to return to work. Your posts were full of contradictions and that's what people were confused about.

Ashoething Fri 12-Apr-13 11:47:57

Ps op-as I said on your other thread I would love a dc4 but I have also lost 3 dcs and had 3 miscarriages too so technically I could have had 9 dcs-so hardly going to be judgemental about a large family am I?

specialsubject Fri 12-Apr-13 11:48:41

who is judging you? You bring them up, you support them, where's the issue?

I am STAGGERED that someone who has lost a child would be told 'just have another one'.

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 12-Apr-13 11:54:38

I have 5 ds, ds4 died mid pg. I always said number 4 would be my last but now I have 4 here with me I still sometimes still feel like I would like more.

I think for me it's more that it feels like my family isnt complete, someone's missing, which they are. I think I have to accept it will always feel that way and having another child probably wouldn't change that feeling.

Sorry for your loss x

bigkidsdidit Fri 12-Apr-13 11:57:24

people were questioning why, if you were desperate to go back to work, you had another child with a man who refuses to take any interest in childcare. That is the only judging that was going on.

What's wrong with 'selfishly wanting' another child anyway? We all make our own choices.

Gruffalump Fri 12-Apr-13 11:58:41

So sorry for everyone's losses on here.

For what it's worth I would love a larger family, but the physical risks are too large.

Enjoy your brood!

IYoniWantToBeWithYou Fri 12-Apr-13 12:08:52

Specialsubject it comes in many forms, but its such a common thing for people to say, almost like a reflex for some people. I've had-

'At least you are young enough to have more'

'At least you have the other two to keep you busy, and you can always have another'

'This obviously wasn't meant to be, you can always try again'

'Are you going to try for another soon'

and many many more stupid comments like it. Its almost like some people see the death of a child as a problem to be fixed. I know lots of bereaved parents and I can't think of a single one of them who hasn't had a similar comment.

pinkdelight Fri 12-Apr-13 12:10:24

"you are being very disingenuous-people on the other thread were NOT judging the fact that you have 4 dcs at all. They were questioning why you kept choosing to have dcs with a man who doesn't respect you and also how that fits in with your determination to return to work. Your posts were full of contradictions and that's what people were confused about."

This! Absolutely. You are going waaaaay off track if what you take from the other thread is the idea that people are judging you for having 4 DC. You have been given lots of very sane, unjudgy advice on there that is entirely to do with your relationship which is what the real problem is. The DC are only mentioned because your choices e.g. to have DC4 don't make sense in the context of what you say about work and your partner's job. Please return to the original thread and focus on moving forward, not starting to blame MNetters for your discontent as well!

Loislane78 Fri 12-Apr-13 12:19:50

I don't think anyone was judging you on the other thread for having 4 DC's. What pink said.

I hope you can move past the impasse you have with your DH.

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