To ask if you'd stop contact with a friend for this?

(56 Posts)
PurplePlasticFantastic Fri 12-Apr-13 10:17:28

I fell out with someone a while ago, within a group of friends. She was very dominating and very nasty behind others' backs and I called her up on something that she said. She didn't like it.

Because she was very much the leader of the group, several others stopped talking to me too. I was de-friended from Facebook and they refused to have anything to do with me. I decided to let it go, as clearly they weren't very good friends if they were happy to just cut me off without hearing anything about my side of the story.

About a week ago, one of the friends that had cut me off contacted me and said that basically this woman I fell out with had been telling people things about me and that I was meant to have said and done, and they were lies. This friend found out they were lies as the nasty woman told her she'd been lying about me, and she witnessed the nasty woman telling someone I'd said something when it was actually her that had said it. The friend wants to be friends again and for me to forgive her for believing this other woman for so long. I want to tell her to take a hike because if she was my friend she would have a) contacted me and b) wouldn't have needed to 'find out' the truth in order to stop thinking the worst of me.

Sorry if this is jumbled. I have had to be vague as I don't want to be identified!

redexpat Fri 12-Apr-13 15:55:07

I think it shows guts to say I was wrong about you and I'm sorry. So I'd accept and proceed cautiously.

Leavenheath Fri 12-Apr-13 15:46:36

It would depend for me on how long I'd known the friend and whether I thought the friendship had potential.

Say for example you all met around the same time and all the friendships were under 2 years duration? All that means is that you have better instincts about people than the rest of them. And that the cowbag in the story is a very convincing and charismatic liar. In those circumstances I'd be prepared to forgive if I thought the friend had learnt her lesson and was worth it. It can take a long time before you can truly say you know a person well enough to know what's true and untrue.

If you've known eachother for years and years though and you had enough years of being able to prove to others that you're a good friend and these people still believed the words of a liar over that, then no - I wouldn't forgive.

LineRunner Fri 12-Apr-13 15:10:59

Fizz caved in immediately. smile

Summerblaze Fri 12-Apr-13 14:56:34

It all sounds a bit coronation street to me grin.

everlong Fri 12-Apr-13 14:52:28

Thanks gerrof x

DoctorAnge Fri 12-Apr-13 14:51:59

I would also let this go. Accept the apology by all means but you will be sucked into all the drama again if you befriend her.
You moved on don't look back.

GettingGoing Fri 12-Apr-13 14:50:53

I'd pay lipservice and accept her apology, but I wouldn't disclose anything to her in future and I'd keep things light and meaningless. Yes, she showed integrity apologising to you, but she was a bit of a sheep to have followed the others and un-friended you. I'd also not be drawn into discussion about the 'leader'.

LtEveDallas Fri 12-Apr-13 14:49:18

I would accept the apology, and thank her for it, but wouldn't pursue the friendship. If you've been fine without her all this time, then you haven't missed her, and haven't needed her in your life.

I'm afraid whilst I might forgive, I wouldn't be able to trust her again - and I'd tell her that.

There is no harm in being friendly towards her, without being her friend (IYSWIM)

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 14:48:42

Bloody hell everlong that sounds horrible. I don't blame you for being so upset. She must have felt like family. I hope things are better for you now (but these things leave a stain don't they).

MadBusLady Fri 12-Apr-13 14:47:46

Thing is, even if she is honest and deserving etc, how could you start being friends with her again without being sucked back into the whole weird dynamic? Is she going to "stop" being friends with this other woman, or not tell her she's friends with you, or what? Are you going to never mention this other woman or will some gossip/bitching inevitably creep in (not getting at you in particular, but you know how these things go!)? It'll all be bloody silly, whatever happens.

So if your instinct is to tell her to take a hike, I don't see what you lose by that really.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 12-Apr-13 14:40:57

Don't feel sad for me now. grin

Feel sad for poor me growing up who got crapped upon from a great height over and over and over and over again, while still looking for the good and hoping that maybe this time, that their apologies, smiles and declarations of friendship actually meant they wouldn't treat me like shit on their shoe.

Me now doesn't have that problem. And there's a lot less to be sad about, I promise you!

DontmindifIdo Fri 12-Apr-13 14:40:53

I would hear her out, because it's very very hard to admit you made a mistake like that - espcially to you she could have admitted to others, to her DP etc, but to go say it to you she's opening herself up to you giving her a mouthful of abuse. It also might depend what was said.

I wouldn't, however, completely trust her again, but being civil again and polite would be possible.

everlong Fri 12-Apr-13 14:34:57

Gerrof it has taken 4 months for me to get over this.

I've been really low and it made me have really bad anxiety.

She wasn't just a friend, we are talking godmother, family holidays, more like family.

Never would have thought it.

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 14:26:35

It is so bloody hurtful when a bunch of friends you trusted turn out to be cows.

Sorry OP and everlong that you have had this - some people when in groups can act in very hurtful ways.

Trust nae fucker grin

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 14:23:52

Don't feel sad for my unforgiving ways smile

Feel sad that there are lots of duplicitous and spiteful bastards out there who are not to be trusted.

Led I hope you're OK - poor baby (and poor you!)

everlong Fri 12-Apr-13 14:23:32

All of you taking the piss have you never been hurt by a friend?

If you fall out with someone you aren't going to keep them on fb. Why would you?

I have been monumentally hurt recently by a group of friends. One in particular who was supposed to be a close friend has shown herself to be two faced and a hypocrite.

Would I forgive them and start again? No way.

Friendship is not about what it looks like on paper. It's about being there when you're needed.

Ledkr Fri 12-Apr-13 14:17:05

Sorry I've been stuck on with poorly baby for days and more to come.
I was being a goady fucker.

TrenchCoat Fri 12-Apr-13 14:16:32

I am with Hecsy on this one. I no longer give a second chance.
I might accept their apology at a push, but that's as far as it goes. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was so ready to believe others without hearing my side of what happened first, before cutting me off.
I too have found that if they shit on you once its very likely to happen again.
Maybe I am a bit harsh but I wont be dragged down by people like this especially if they have caused me unnecessary upset.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 14:15:08

All the unforgiving types make me feel sad

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 14:13:59

led it got bloody WORSE in big school ime grin

Ledkr Fri 12-Apr-13 14:12:17

Maybe it will be better when you all move up to big school.
grin

everlong Fri 12-Apr-13 14:09:34

Just move on.

A true friend would have defended you in the first place.

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 14:07:55

What hec said so articulately.

I too don't really forgive and forget without good reason. Probably to do with having been shit on in the past. I am not going to give people a chance to learn their social skills on me.

MooncupGoddess Fri 12-Apr-13 14:06:06

If you really really like her as an individual then I'd consider it... otherwise though it will just bring the drama and hassle back into your life. The dynamics of the friendship will be very different without the rest of the group around, so have a think about if that's something you'd want.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 14:00:22

Yes, this can happen too, I accept that!

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