To ask if you'd stop contact with a friend for this?

(56 Posts)
PurplePlasticFantastic Fri 12-Apr-13 10:17:28

I fell out with someone a while ago, within a group of friends. She was very dominating and very nasty behind others' backs and I called her up on something that she said. She didn't like it.

Because she was very much the leader of the group, several others stopped talking to me too. I was de-friended from Facebook and they refused to have anything to do with me. I decided to let it go, as clearly they weren't very good friends if they were happy to just cut me off without hearing anything about my side of the story.

About a week ago, one of the friends that had cut me off contacted me and said that basically this woman I fell out with had been telling people things about me and that I was meant to have said and done, and they were lies. This friend found out they were lies as the nasty woman told her she'd been lying about me, and she witnessed the nasty woman telling someone I'd said something when it was actually her that had said it. The friend wants to be friends again and for me to forgive her for believing this other woman for so long. I want to tell her to take a hike because if she was my friend she would have a) contacted me and b) wouldn't have needed to 'find out' the truth in order to stop thinking the worst of me.

Sorry if this is jumbled. I have had to be vague as I don't want to be identified!

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 12:15:36

I wouldn't bother, they all sound so ridiculously childish that I think she could be making it up to pretend to be friends with you, all the while reporting back to the other woman and sniggering at you. This is the kind of think which happened at school and these women sound like schoolgirls.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 12-Apr-13 12:19:58

I'd forgive her, but not necessarily become good friends again. Life is a learning journey, and this person has clearly learned a lot. I think it's quite admirable that she got in touch an apologised, and I don't think you'd be doing yourself any favours by hanging on to mistakes that people made a long time ago and have tried to rectify.

Twentytotwo Fri 12-Apr-13 12:28:45

What happened sounds more in line with what you'd expect from 12 year olds than adult women. I'd see her and take the apology but then let it drift and not meet up again.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 12-Apr-13 13:31:55

tbh, I would just reply that I had been very hurt that she chose to accept the other woman's story without even talking to me and that she chose to cut me out, and although I am pleased that she now knows what this woman is like and I appreciate the apology, I am not able to forget the choices that she made and I am happy with the way things are now and feel that I would not like to invite people back into my life who have demonstrated that they can turn their back on me without even trying to discuss anything or hear me out.

I'd probably wish her all the best and maybe add something about hoping that she doesn't repeat that mistake in a future friendship.

Because that's the unforgivable thing, or it would be for me. Just turning your back on someone on the unsubstantiated word of someone else and not giving them the chance to put their side forward. I wouldn't take up again with someone who can behave like that, and I wouldn't advise someone else to.

You'll just be waiting for the next time.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 13:34:09

Hecsy, sometimes people really do learn from their mistakes.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 12-Apr-13 13:45:10

Possibly. It's just that in my experience, people who have shit on me and been forgiven have only ever gone on to shit on me again.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 14:00:22

Yes, this can happen too, I accept that!

MooncupGoddess Fri 12-Apr-13 14:06:06

If you really really like her as an individual then I'd consider it... otherwise though it will just bring the drama and hassle back into your life. The dynamics of the friendship will be very different without the rest of the group around, so have a think about if that's something you'd want.

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 14:07:55

What hec said so articulately.

I too don't really forgive and forget without good reason. Probably to do with having been shit on in the past. I am not going to give people a chance to learn their social skills on me.

everlong Fri 12-Apr-13 14:09:34

Just move on.

A true friend would have defended you in the first place.

Ledkr Fri 12-Apr-13 14:12:17

Maybe it will be better when you all move up to big school.
grin

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 14:13:59

led it got bloody WORSE in big school ime grin

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 14:15:08

All the unforgiving types make me feel sad

TrenchCoat Fri 12-Apr-13 14:16:32

I am with Hecsy on this one. I no longer give a second chance.
I might accept their apology at a push, but that's as far as it goes. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was so ready to believe others without hearing my side of what happened first, before cutting me off.
I too have found that if they shit on you once its very likely to happen again.
Maybe I am a bit harsh but I wont be dragged down by people like this especially if they have caused me unnecessary upset.

Ledkr Fri 12-Apr-13 14:17:05

Sorry I've been stuck on with poorly baby for days and more to come.
I was being a goady fucker.

everlong Fri 12-Apr-13 14:23:32

All of you taking the piss have you never been hurt by a friend?

If you fall out with someone you aren't going to keep them on fb. Why would you?

I have been monumentally hurt recently by a group of friends. One in particular who was supposed to be a close friend has shown herself to be two faced and a hypocrite.

Would I forgive them and start again? No way.

Friendship is not about what it looks like on paper. It's about being there when you're needed.

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 14:23:52

Don't feel sad for my unforgiving ways smile

Feel sad that there are lots of duplicitous and spiteful bastards out there who are not to be trusted.

Led I hope you're OK - poor baby (and poor you!)

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 14:26:35

It is so bloody hurtful when a bunch of friends you trusted turn out to be cows.

Sorry OP and everlong that you have had this - some people when in groups can act in very hurtful ways.

Trust nae fucker grin

everlong Fri 12-Apr-13 14:34:57

Gerrof it has taken 4 months for me to get over this.

I've been really low and it made me have really bad anxiety.

She wasn't just a friend, we are talking godmother, family holidays, more like family.

Never would have thought it.

DontmindifIdo Fri 12-Apr-13 14:40:53

I would hear her out, because it's very very hard to admit you made a mistake like that - espcially to you she could have admitted to others, to her DP etc, but to go say it to you she's opening herself up to you giving her a mouthful of abuse. It also might depend what was said.

I wouldn't, however, completely trust her again, but being civil again and polite would be possible.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 12-Apr-13 14:40:57

Don't feel sad for me now. grin

Feel sad for poor me growing up who got crapped upon from a great height over and over and over and over again, while still looking for the good and hoping that maybe this time, that their apologies, smiles and declarations of friendship actually meant they wouldn't treat me like shit on their shoe.

Me now doesn't have that problem. And there's a lot less to be sad about, I promise you!

MadBusLady Fri 12-Apr-13 14:47:46

Thing is, even if she is honest and deserving etc, how could you start being friends with her again without being sucked back into the whole weird dynamic? Is she going to "stop" being friends with this other woman, or not tell her she's friends with you, or what? Are you going to never mention this other woman or will some gossip/bitching inevitably creep in (not getting at you in particular, but you know how these things go!)? It'll all be bloody silly, whatever happens.

So if your instinct is to tell her to take a hike, I don't see what you lose by that really.

Gerrof Fri 12-Apr-13 14:48:42

Bloody hell everlong that sounds horrible. I don't blame you for being so upset. She must have felt like family. I hope things are better for you now (but these things leave a stain don't they).

LtEveDallas Fri 12-Apr-13 14:49:18

I would accept the apology, and thank her for it, but wouldn't pursue the friendship. If you've been fine without her all this time, then you haven't missed her, and haven't needed her in your life.

I'm afraid whilst I might forgive, I wouldn't be able to trust her again - and I'd tell her that.

There is no harm in being friendly towards her, without being her friend (IYSWIM)

GettingGoing Fri 12-Apr-13 14:50:53

I'd pay lipservice and accept her apology, but I wouldn't disclose anything to her in future and I'd keep things light and meaningless. Yes, she showed integrity apologising to you, but she was a bit of a sheep to have followed the others and un-friended you. I'd also not be drawn into discussion about the 'leader'.

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