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To ask if you'd stop contact with a friend for this?

(56 Posts)
PurplePlasticFantastic Fri 12-Apr-13 10:17:28

I fell out with someone a while ago, within a group of friends. She was very dominating and very nasty behind others' backs and I called her up on something that she said. She didn't like it.

Because she was very much the leader of the group, several others stopped talking to me too. I was de-friended from Facebook and they refused to have anything to do with me. I decided to let it go, as clearly they weren't very good friends if they were happy to just cut me off without hearing anything about my side of the story.

About a week ago, one of the friends that had cut me off contacted me and said that basically this woman I fell out with had been telling people things about me and that I was meant to have said and done, and they were lies. This friend found out they were lies as the nasty woman told her she'd been lying about me, and she witnessed the nasty woman telling someone I'd said something when it was actually her that had said it. The friend wants to be friends again and for me to forgive her for believing this other woman for so long. I want to tell her to take a hike because if she was my friend she would have a) contacted me and b) wouldn't have needed to 'find out' the truth in order to stop thinking the worst of me.

Sorry if this is jumbled. I have had to be vague as I don't want to be identified!

IYoniWantToBeWithYou Fri 12-Apr-13 10:21:04

It wouldn't be stopping contact really, it was already stopped. Do you want to be friends with her again?

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson Fri 12-Apr-13 10:23:44

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who automatically thought the worst of me without even giving me the courtesy of asking for my side of events, whether they begged forgiveness or not.

Caitycat Fri 12-Apr-13 10:25:19

It depends whether you miss her friendship, yee she was a bit mean but she made and has acknowledged she made a mistake. If you like her then give her a chance.

LineRunner Fri 12-Apr-13 10:25:34

They all sound crackers.

On the other hand why not hear this former friend out, and see if she can explain herself? It's something that she has apologised. Did you like her a lot?

cozietoesie Fri 12-Apr-13 10:25:42

Even if you were prepared to restart a friendship, there's too much baggage there - she'd likely spend all your time discussing the other woman's activities. Ad nauseam.

She just wants to salve her conscience. I'd let it go.

Depends really. I think everyone makes mistakes. You have the grounding to be good friends again, she's reached out to you now....
But then I'm a total pushover and get treated badly/used alot so I wouldn't take my own advice! grin

YouTheCat Fri 12-Apr-13 10:27:02

I'd not bother with her tbh.

I want to know where all these women are who behave like 8 year olds though. There seems to be a lot of them about but I don't think I've encountered one since school.

How old are you btw OP? This seems like a total high school problem.... "defriended on facebook" hmm

lottie63 Fri 12-Apr-13 10:28:58

It's hard to do but I think I may give her another chance, after explaining to her just how hurtful her defriending had been. She may have been taken in and the nasty woman may well have been quite convincing. I guess she s been self-reflexive over it and that s a plus. She s also in a position, presumably, to counter all the horrible lies in that she'll still be friends with the others who are still deluded.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 10:32:28

I'd hear her out, because admitting to being wrong and saying sorry are rare and valuable traits, that is quite commendable in a person I think.

So she may turn out to be a very honest person, it would have been easy for her just to stay quiet but she sought you out to make amends.

Wy don't you have her over for a chat? You can just take it all really slowly, but a friend who owns up to mistakes is way better than one who keeps quiet IMO.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Fri 12-Apr-13 10:35:33

I'd hear her out, because admitting to being wrong and saying sorry are rare and valuable traits, that is quite commendable in a person I think.

So she may turn out to be a very honest person, it would have been easy for her just to stay quiet but she sought you out to make amends.

Wy don't you have her over for a chat? You can just take it all really slowly, but a friend who owns up to mistakes is way better than one who keeps quiet IMO.

Groovee Fri 12-Apr-13 10:37:41

I'd maybe hear her out but when you are treated like you are the outcast at high school it can be very hard to make amends.

MandragoraWurzelstock Fri 12-Apr-13 10:41:04

I think it was really brave of the person to contact you like that.

I'd give her another chance, seriously. Life is too short. Unless you didn't get on that well in the first place in which case no. But it sounds like the other person was very good at manipulating the truth and really fooled them.

I would give her another try.

Groovee Fri 12-Apr-13 10:44:23

I'd maybe hear her out but when you are treated like you are the outcast at high school it can be very hard to make amends.

HeathRobinson Fri 12-Apr-13 10:44:31

Hmm, I might give it a go. Some people, ie your dominating woman, can be very convincing. What if your friend was very hurt by what she believed you'd said and saw no point in contacting you and possibly being hurt further?

She's told you she made a mistake (which would have been hard) and presumably is sorry. As you liked her enough to be friends in the first place, it may be worth rebuilding your friendship?

thermalsinapril Fri 12-Apr-13 11:27:41

> I'd hear her out, because admitting to being wrong and saying sorry are rare and valuable traits, that is quite commendable in a person I think.

This.

deleted203 Fri 12-Apr-13 11:32:30

I'd say, 'Oh really? Thanks for telling me. I'm not particularly interested in what she's saying, TBH. She's obviously got problems'.

I would be pleasantly neutral, but not make any attempt to pick up the friendship again. I couldn't be arsed. They all sound like bitchy 13 year olds.

babyradio Fri 12-Apr-13 11:43:45

I agree with the posters who say it is a hard thing for people to do to come and admit they were wrong and apologise.

It's like any relationship, trust will take time to return but if you valued her as a friend enough to be hurt that she had done this, perhaps it means you value her enough now to try again?

They do sound childish though.

Scholes34 Fri 12-Apr-13 11:52:41

My friends are people I like and whose company I enjoy. Do you like this person and do you enjoy their company?

digerd Fri 12-Apr-13 11:57:21

How do nasty people get away with telling lies and stirring and get believed and supported?
Is the rest of the group still on the nasty person's side, I wonder?

Crawling Fri 12-Apr-13 11:59:07

I would it takes a big strong person to admit they are wrong especially in your circumstance where she didnt have to as she had allready cut contact. Npt only that but I think it showed courage and integrity to come back and say she was wrong.

YoniDaChillOut Fri 12-Apr-13 12:03:54

it all sounds like alot more hassle than it's worth tbh. i would accept her apology but wouldn't be going out of my way to re-kindle the friendship. i'd say hi in the street if i saw her but wouldn't be arranging meet ups or anything.

yaimee Fri 12-Apr-13 12:10:29

It's quite a big thing to contact someone and admit you were wrong, so she must miss your friendship (unless you think she is hedging her bets in case nasty woman falls out with her).
If you miss/value her friendship and believe she is genuine then maybe give her another chance.
But I'd steer well clear of the rest, it sounds like nasty playground tactics, so don't get sucked back in to it!

Callisto Fri 12-Apr-13 12:13:03

Nope, I wouldn't. Anyone who gets involved in playground shite like this is not worthy of my friendship and not grown up enough to interest me.

Crawling - but not enough courage or integrity to stand up to the nasty one in the first place. If one of my group of friends started slagging another friend off I would be deeply unimpressed and there would have to be a bloody good reason for the slagging off.

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