She told me to be quieter because I was embarrassing her - do I say something

(95 Posts)
Notalone Wed 10-Apr-13 20:58:28

I had an old university friend over to stay last weekend. We had a nice weekend though I have felt for a while now that things are not the same as they used to be between us which I have attributed to the geographical distance between us.

At the end of the weekend I walked her back to the train station and while we were waiting for her train I was talking about something my ex did a while ago. There was no swearing and it wasn't a "too much information" type tale but when was I mid flow she told me I was being too loud which was embarrassing her and I should speak quieter. I was gob smacked and felt like she had hit me. Dramatic I know but no-one likes to be told they are an embarrassment. I never said anything as her train was on the horizon and it there just wasn't the time, but to me it was like the opinions of total strangers mattered more than hurting my feelings. And she did.

So do I say something. We haven't really spoken since aside from the odd text. One of my other best friends has said she needs to know how much she hurt me. My ex was abusive which both of these friends know and my other friend has said if she were the one standing at the train station she would have been shouting it from the roof tops with me because she knows how awful my ex was. Another friend has said saying something is only going to stress me out and make me feel worse therefore I should leave it. I feel like she needs to know that she upset me but I just don't know how to go about it or even if it is the right thing to do. AIBU to say something so much later and how do I do it if not?

Binkybix Fri 12-Apr-13 09:55:21

This all seems a bit odd, and a bit of a drama on both sides.

Thinking of it from my point of view, if someone I had a comfortable relationship with had said his to me I probably would not have thought twice about it. If it was someone where I felt a bit uneasy about the relationship anyway (knowingly or not) I'd feel stung. So maybe it does say something about the friendship.

I'd defo just let it go though.

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson Fri 12-Apr-13 09:35:03

Hmmmm thermalsinapril I'm not sure I agree with the fact that true friends should be 'brutally honest'. I think friends should be honest to a point, but should also know when they may cause offence to a friend, and also should be tactful too. If the OP's friend was a true friend she would have worded it far differently.

MusicalEndorphins Fri 12-Apr-13 00:29:24

Nobody is perfect, neither your friend nor yourself. Try and accept that a person may criticize you occasionally, but it does not mean she that doesn't respect you, like you or isn't your friend. We all make mistakes, but this is not a big one, on either of your parts. If it helps, I would not have asked you to quiet down, but I would not consider dumping a friendship because they shushed me one time either. If that is all that it takes for you to stop being friends, the friendship may have already been on the way out. Try and stop dwelling on this, life is too short.

thermalsinapril Thu 11-Apr-13 21:17:48

If a friend can't be honest with you, who can?

HotBurrito1 Thu 11-Apr-13 19:15:04

Maybe you are upset because it makes you wonder how she feels about you (in the light of you already drifting apart) and it's not the comment per se? It really doesn't seem a bad thing to say, but maybe look at why it upset you so much. She wasn't actually calling YOU an embarassment, but pointing out something you could easily modify. Do you think she was trying to hurt you?

thebody Thu 11-Apr-13 17:46:25

No I think this is rude and unkind.

I have zero embarrassment though as both of my parents have been deaf since I was a teenager and talk very loudly on all topics as if noone can hear them.

I would let if slide op and wait for her to contact you.

Roseformeplease Thu 11-Apr-13 17:38:58

If she wasn't meaning to upset you then your upset is because of who you are, not who she is. And, also, if you are too loud / knickers on show / food on your chin / labels showing then, surely, a good friend telling you is a kindness or, at least, was meant that way.

She probably meant well and it is how she meant you to feel at matters.

Notalone Thu 11-Apr-13 17:34:05

.......................Sorry - posted too soon.

I am still undecided what I am going to do about this friendship. Many of you have said it may fizzle out anyway, particularly given how far away she lives now. Two of my best friends live quite a distance away from me and we have managed to maintain really close firendships but I do feel that this one may end up being aqquaintances only, even if she hadn't have said what she did. Guess this is a sad fact of life and back to the friends for a season friends for a reason thing.

Notalone Thu 11-Apr-13 17:31:06

Just to set the record straight, I did not spend the whole weekend going on about my ex. I am happier with someone else and do not feel the need to go on about him at all. We did have lots of light hearted conversations about all sorts really, and definitely not focused on me. Thank you to those of you who have recognised this and not made assumptions about me based on a few posts.

A bit of history is I have ALWAYS been the one who is there for my friends. I am much more of a listener than a talker and have spent hours with this and other friends (often on MY phone bill) listening to their problems and hopefully trying to help them sort them out. That is the way I have always been. I am definitely not high octane and a dram queen, far from it, though I have been through the mill a bit of course, who hasn't? There have actually been many occasions with this friend where the conversations have very much been focused on her and not me. I don't want her to be thankful or grateful for this, not at all, but a bit of consideration for my feelings on this occasion would have been nice. I have never said for one moment that she should not say if she felt I was being too loud, but to be told you are embarrassing? Well that is another thing all together and once again thank you to all those who have recognised this is the crux of the matter.

I don't feel it is "aggressive" to feel like this and I find your post Quietly both ludicrous and patronising in equal measures.

Vicky2011 Thu 11-Apr-13 14:24:46

She was tactless but you do seem to be giving this way too much headspace. Move on.

Mumsyblouse Thu 11-Apr-13 14:11:57

I am loud person, but I would still be offended by this. It left the whole weekend on a sour note, and I feel she was clearly rather prickly if she criticised both you and another lady who was being too loud.

I don't mind other loud people because I know I am loud sometimes myself, when we go in the supermarket, I have to tell the children to speak in a whisper and lower my voice because we are all very voluble and if we talked how we talk at home we would deafen everyone all the old silent people pushing their trolly in Lidl

hairtearing Thu 11-Apr-13 14:03:12

sorry i read wrong it wasn't tmi. ermmm i would still let it go.

hairtearing Thu 11-Apr-13 14:01:03

I think in the nicest was possible you are making a mountain out of a molehill,

You said yourself it was a TMI subject and if you were talking loudly, I have a relative who will talk very loudly about anything I can't hide how embarrassed I am sometimes.

abbyfromoz Thu 11-Apr-13 13:04:35

Ahhh... Well I have been in your situation many a time- have learned to tone it down a bit. Have had friends tell me to keep my voice down... The lack of volume control linked with (what once was) a broad and rather grating accent (sorry no offence fellow patriots!!) has meant i have been reprimanded many a time. I know the feeling. It's prickly and horrible. I have learnt to say either 'oh calm down! It's not the end of the world!' Or. 'I'm sure it's not as big a deal as you think it is'...whilst also turning it down a notch or two. It really is their problem OP...unless of course you were at the library...pr in a church...lol... I am aware i can be loud but your friend sounds a bit overwrought to make such an issue of it.
I would tell her that you were sharing something that is quite sensitive and looking for her support and understanding and all she cared about was people looking at her... What she said was insensitive and maybe find a nice way to tell he to get over herself a bit (sorry i can't think of a nice way!! Maybe- try not to take yourself so seriously? Nah that still sounds mean)... Lol
HTH

CarpeVinum Thu 11-Apr-13 12:56:50

LemonPeculiarJones rather than picked up on the important factors

OR

Maybe they picked up on things the OP did say.

At the end of the weekend I walked her back to the train station and while we were waiting for her train I was talking about something my ex did a while ago. There was no swearing and it wasn't a "too much information" type tale but when was I mid flow she told me I was being too loud which was embarrassing her and I should speak quieter. I was gob smacked and felt like she had hit me. Dramatic I know but no-one likes to be told they are an embarrassment. I never said anything as her train was on the horizon and it there just wasn't the time, but to me it was like the opinions of total strangers mattered more than hurting my feelings. And she did.

So do I say something. We haven't really spoken since aside from the odd text. One of my other best friends has said she needs to know how much she hurt me. My ex was abusive which both of these friends know and my other friend has said if she were the one standing at the train station she would have been shouting it from the roof tops with me because she knows how awful my ex was. Another friend has said saying something is only going to stress me out and make me feel worse therefore I should leave it. I feel like she needs to know that she upset me but I just don't know how to go about it or even if it is the right thing to do. AIBU to say something so much later and how do I do it if not?

....

The OP's post is littered with clues that she may lean towards the "high octane" at this moment in time at the very least. Possibly becuase she has friends who value high volume/high drama and she has inadvertantly started to mirror them without even realising it.

TumbleWeeds Thu 11-Apr-13 12:34:47

quitely I don't know about you but I would find it normal for my friend to talk about some issues she has with her ex and contact. It's not about complaining and being overbearing (and tbh if you can't complain to friends in RL about your ex behaving badly, who are you supposed to talk to about it? Bearing in my mind, the OP and her friends were close enough before to have supported each other like this). Si am not sure why you think the OP was behaving badly in that occasion.

On the other side, the OP said she felt her friend was prioritizing strangers to her (ie what they thought about her/the OP was more important than Op's feelings). This is how the OP felt. I am very 'hmm] as to how you can tell the OP how she felt or how feeling like this about the event was aggressive...

Seriously, I think you are looking too far and making strange assumptions.

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 11-Apr-13 12:25:09

Please don't feel bad about yourself OP. I think some posters may have just thought, "Oh I've got an annoying loud friend, they're so oblivious," and posted in response to that thought, rather than picked up on the important factors:

- you're not a 'loud' person
- she told you you were embarrassing (not a nice way to talk to a friend, regardless of how loud/quiet they are in public)
- you were talking about a difficult issue and she made no allowance for your feelings at all.

Basically, she snapped at you, cut you short and put you in your place. Maybe it would be a good idea to ask her where that came from.

quoteunquote Thu 11-Apr-13 12:07:21
quietlysuggests Thu 11-Apr-13 11:43:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryRobinson Thu 11-Apr-13 11:27:24

I don't think you can say "you're embarrassing me" to anyone and hope to remain Friends with them. If a person can't summon the most basic civility to say "I think we've some earwiggers" or something innocuous then maybe they just aren't a very nice person.

OP you sound fine. Choose to downgrade her back to acquaintance. Maybe one day you'll be able to say it but for now, just focus on being happy in you.

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson Thu 11-Apr-13 10:21:14

Further contact not firer contact!

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson Thu 11-Apr-13 10:20:42

She doesn't sound like much of a friend tbh. What she said was very rude and tactless regardless of whether you really were embarrassing her or not.

On the flip side, it is often embarrassing if you are out with someone and they are very loud. I went on a girls weekend a few months ago with some women I met on another forum. One was extremely loud, day and night, for 2 days and it was both embarrassing and frustrating. I was lucky as she's not a friend as such so I bit my tongue, went home at the end of the weekend and won't be having any firer contact with her. The others all felt the same way too. Everyone looked at us when we ate our evening meals as she talked so loudly, and it was all personal, explicit stuff too, about her sex life, her relationship, her health, her daughters health. Totally cringeworthy.

cheeseandpineapple Thu 11-Apr-13 10:14:05

OP, do you think your friend meant to hurt your feelings and was pissed off with you generally? Given that you say in your first post that you had a nice weekend, doubt she has any idea what an impact her off the cuff comment has made to you. You hadn't intended to embarrass her but that was her reaction to what you were doing and she probably didn't mean to hurt your feelings but that's been your reaction to what she's done.

It does sound like you're sensitive to that particular type of criticism because of what you've been through with your ex. Maybe she was careless and should have been more aware that the comment might offend you but if it's a first offence and she's been a good friend, give her benefit of the doubt that she did not mean to hurt your feelings.

I'm constantly being told by my kids that I'm embarrassing them. Fortunately I have the hind of a rhino...

Given your reaction, sounds like there could be a separate issue, maybe your confidence and self esteem are still low from what you've been through with your ex?

hackmum Thu 11-Apr-13 09:41:50

I agree with Branleuse. Just let the friendship go. I've done this with university friendships that went past their sell-by date.

Branleuse Thu 11-Apr-13 09:30:36

i wouldnt write to her, or tell her. I just wouldnt meet up with her again.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now