She told me to be quieter because I was embarrassing her - do I say something

(95 Posts)
Notalone Wed 10-Apr-13 20:58:28

I had an old university friend over to stay last weekend. We had a nice weekend though I have felt for a while now that things are not the same as they used to be between us which I have attributed to the geographical distance between us.

At the end of the weekend I walked her back to the train station and while we were waiting for her train I was talking about something my ex did a while ago. There was no swearing and it wasn't a "too much information" type tale but when was I mid flow she told me I was being too loud which was embarrassing her and I should speak quieter. I was gob smacked and felt like she had hit me. Dramatic I know but no-one likes to be told they are an embarrassment. I never said anything as her train was on the horizon and it there just wasn't the time, but to me it was like the opinions of total strangers mattered more than hurting my feelings. And she did.

So do I say something. We haven't really spoken since aside from the odd text. One of my other best friends has said she needs to know how much she hurt me. My ex was abusive which both of these friends know and my other friend has said if she were the one standing at the train station she would have been shouting it from the roof tops with me because she knows how awful my ex was. Another friend has said saying something is only going to stress me out and make me feel worse therefore I should leave it. I feel like she needs to know that she upset me but I just don't know how to go about it or even if it is the right thing to do. AIBU to say something so much later and how do I do it if not?

ArtexMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 21:41:26

My dh sometimes gets louder and louder telling me stuff, I will go 'shh love, I'm only here' and that's when we're just on our own in the house, I just can't stand being shouted at/to.

It kind of sounds like it's run it's course between you, no reason you can't stay civil and be friendly when you see one another in your friendship group, but there's no need either for a big break up scene or to keep doing stuff jus the two of you IMO.

Notalone Wed 10-Apr-13 21:41:48

The abusive ex comment came from my other friend who said that she knew how awful he was (as does this friend) and even if I had been shouting out about him (which I wasn't) she would have been stood at my side with me rather than judging me.

HeathRobinson Wed 10-Apr-13 21:43:47

Notalone - maybe you'd been loud all weekend and the station conversation was the last straw?

Do you think there's anything amiss with your hearing? I had a friend who commented unfavourably and loudly on people when we were sitting in a cafe, say. She had no idea any of them could hear her. It turned out she had a hearing problem.

WorraLiberty Wed 10-Apr-13 21:46:52

And your friend would have shouted your DS's travel arrangements from the rooftops? confused

I'm not getting this at all.

Your friend felt you were being too loud and so asked you to keep it down.

Seriously I genuinely don't know why you're 'hurt' and 'felt like she'd hit' you.

Do you always take things this seriously?

MaryRobinson Wed 10-Apr-13 21:47:19

HildA O speaks the truth

Fakebook Wed 10-Apr-13 21:50:10

I'm going to side with your friend. When I was growing up my Mum had this pet hate about talking loudly outside. It was bad manners. This has stuck with me for life. My dh is very loud and talks loudly naturally. He also sings out of the blue when we're walking down the street together and I cringe with embarrassment every time he does it. I shouldn't care, but it draws unwanted attention, and as an introvert I can't handle it. My dd is the same. She will talk loudly when we're out and about which results in people looking over.

MAybe your friend felt the same? Maybe she didn't want people looking over?

Bearbehind Wed 10-Apr-13 21:51:00

Many people just don't like being the centre of attention, so to be with someone who is talking loudly enough to make others turn and stare is not comfortable for them.

It sounds like you think you deserve some kind of special treatment because of your relationship history as, if you weren't talking about any specifics in your abusive relationship, why even mention it in this thread?

I think you should just accept that people are not all comfortable with the same social situations and respect that.

willyoulistentome Wed 10-Apr-13 21:53:48

Just accept you were being too loud, and learn from it. Dont say anything.

Notalone Wed 10-Apr-13 21:54:23

I don't think I was being loud all weekend or that there is anything wrong with my hearing. The hearing issue is with my new boyfriend who has selective hearing problems but that is another post altogether smile

I find it sad that a few people have commented on the fact that it may be time to let this friendship go because I have also wondered this. She is quite a bit younger than me (we were a very mixed age range at uni) and sometimes we just don't seem to get each other anymore and I don't always agree on some of the things she comes out with now. For example she said over the weekend that she feels jealous that her old flatmate is now living with another female housemate, even though so is she, and a while ago she said homeless people all had a choice about whether they were homeless or not. Silly conversations but opinions that are quite alien to me. The distance is another issue. We used to see each other daily but now its once every few months so it may die a natural death anyway. But to her credit she has also been a very good friend to me over the years as have I been to her. But people and circumstances change I guess sad

I understand people on here saying that they would want to know if it were them but I feel she could have been much more sensitive about how she said what she did. Perhaps I am being dramatic but I do feel very upset by what she did and I don't want to feel like I have to watch what I say around her all the time. Surely a friendship should not be like that?

WorraLiberty Wed 10-Apr-13 21:57:49

A friendship should be honest

If a friend of mine was being too loud, I'd be honest and ask them to keep it down a bit.

I'd expect them to do exactly the same if I was being too loud.

Then it would never cross either of our minds again.

Notalone Wed 10-Apr-13 22:01:35

Worra and Bear - I am not saying that my other friend said that. If you read my previous posts you will see the abusive ex comments came from my other friend who said even if I had been discussing the details she would have been with me by my side rather than passing judgement. She knew I wasn't but had this been the case she would have been with me all the way. And. no I don't think I deserve special treatment, that is the only reason I mentioned the abusive ex thing because I was providing another friends perspective on whether I should say something or not

I think I am going to step away from this thread now. I have explained that I was not being loud or personal, and I do feel that of some of you had been in my position, you would also have felt a bit crap about yourself for a while. I am not a particularly over sensitive person, but I don't know anyone who would welcome being told the are an embarrassment.

ArtexMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 22:02:30

It sounds like you have nothing in common any more and find each other a bit irksome now.

It happens. There's no need for a big showdown or a falling out or anything though.

NoTeaForMe Wed 10-Apr-13 22:04:28

Sometimes it's not about what you're saying but about how loud you are. My sister is a loud person and she can't hear it herself. To be honest I find it irritating and embarrassing and I have told her that.

I see what you mean about not liking being told you're an embarrassment but actually I don't think it's nice to be embarrassed by somebody who can't speak at a reasonable volume. There's no need to shout!

You clearly don't feel that she's beng very considerate of your feelings, but maybe you need to think and take on board what she said and try and see it from her point of view?

ArtexMonkey Wed 10-Apr-13 22:05:10

"So do I say something."

No

And the friend who advised you to say something sounds either jealous or a stirrer. I'd keep a beady eye on her. Is she part of the friendship group or a friend from outside it?

WorraLiberty Wed 10-Apr-13 22:08:01

Then maybe it's your friend who thinks you deserve special treatment?

Shouting travel arrangements from rooftops??

She thinks you were loud, you think you weren't.

Just forget it really, it's a non issue.

mynewpassion Wed 10-Apr-13 22:09:06

You think you weren't loud but likely were or she wouldn't have said anything.

Notalone Wed 10-Apr-13 22:15:29

The general consensus is no, I shouldnt say anything which I will take on board. However I don't think I will be able to feel like I can be myself around this particular person again which is quite sad really.

And, the other friend is totally separate. I have known her for years and she is more my age (if thats relevant). She isn't jealous or a stirrer but she is probably more outgoing and confident than the friend discussed in this thread

DontmindifIdo Wed 10-Apr-13 22:17:28

people having a loud conversation in public is annoying, it's forcing your conversation onto other people who don't want to listen to you, your friend was the only one who wanted to hear what you had to say. Most people are aware of this and speak in lower tones than they would if they were in private - I guess you weren't aware and you were embarrassing her.

Also, I know I have a couple of loud friends, sometimes it can be really wearing to be talked at in a loud voice, particularly if I've got a bit of a headache, it's actually not nice. It can come across as aggressive, even if that's not the speaker's intention.

If you are in a relationship with someone with a hearing issues, then you might have slowly creeped up in your volume without noticing over the last few weeks/months. If you are used to having the TV a bit louder, to routinely raising your voice, then you have got generally louder wihtout thinking about it, until you're with someone who's not used to the new 'loud' you, and to them it can be almost like you are always shouting.

You don't need to watch what you say round her in the future, more watch how loudly you said it. That's not spelling the end of a friendship - anymore than say, ifyou were with your DP or someone else with hearing loss who was pointing out you were being too quiet to be heard by them...

Bearbehind Wed 10-Apr-13 22:23:24

TBH I wouldn't overthink this, the friendship has probably reached its natural end, she finds you embarrassing and you don't want to change your behaviour to accommodate her feelings.

WishIdbeenatigermum Wed 10-Apr-13 22:27:29

It sounds like its the friend's oversensitivity. I can think of 2 lovely but embarrassingly noisy friends who, if they retold our story I'd grab the chance to say, actually sometimes you are a leetle loud. And neither of the friends you mentioned this to did.

MrsPeeWee Thu 11-Apr-13 00:31:06

OP, clearly some people see this different to you. Don't take it personal.

I on the other hand, completely see her doing this has upset and possibly embarrassed you? I would of felt the same. If she thought you were being loud, I can't understand why she couldn't of told you in a more relaxed/joking kind of way? Just so it didn't put up an awkward barrier and stop the conversation straight with straight out confrontation. She could of handled it better, in order to spare your feelings is all I am saying.

In the nicest way, text her and tell her you're reeling over her statement she made at the train station and that it took you by surprise and made you feel uneasy. Hopefully she will understand and give you more of an explanation?

Worth a try.

MsBella Thu 11-Apr-13 00:46:11

Why is what strangers could possibly be thinking in their head more important than what a friend is saying...
I suppose she's insecure but she was wrong to tell you to be quiet and wrong to say you were embarressing you, that's her own insecurity and nobody elses fault

BackforGood Thu 11-Apr-13 00:57:40

Strikes me you are totally over reacting to a friend pointing out that you were speaking too loudly for the situation. You can say you weren't, but the person who speaks loudly like this doesn't notice it, hence why your friend needed to tell you.
All you had to do was lower your voice - I can't see why it is such a big issue for you. confused

somedayma Thu 11-Apr-13 01:07:22

I used to have a friend like you. Didn't realise how loud she was shrieking talking. When anyone told her to turn down the volume a little bit (most people- she genuinely was at least twice as loud as moat peu

somedayma Thu 11-Apr-13 01:09:45

blush oops. She was twice as loud as most people, in normal conversation. And when she was talking about something that remotely het her up, she SHOUTED. but would NOT accept that she was pissing people off. She used to be a friend. Used to.

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