Helping DP paying off old debt(144 Posts)
I found out last year that DP owes £30,000 to his parents. The loan was taken against his house.
This loan was taken when he was married, he has since devoirced and kept the house (which was his and in his name) and got all of the debt.
So his parents are now talking about starting payments again (they stopped when he split with his ex as he couldn't afford the morgage, rent on a flat for him. Matinance and that).
We have been together 2 yrs and lived together 1. DP has no money, his expenditures meet his income, because of this I am the one currently saving so we can start ttc, I pay for food ect. THis I don't mind as I veiw it as a House hold income and when we have DC's that's how it should be. He sold the house but it made no money so none of the debt was paid off.
So my question is, AIBU to want to know who's debt it is (DP EXW was decleared banKrupt before they married) and what is was for?
Iam going to be the one paying it back as DP can't afford any extra outgoings. To me this is just an unbeliveble amount of money and I feel sick just thinking about it.
Will it make it worse if I actually end up paying for the big wedding the couldn't afford or the child they couldn't afford?
I don't see any other way, if his parents want the money back and he has none it is going to fall to me
Sorry about spelling, I'm dyslexic and on my phone (not that spell check helps as all the words look the same to me!)
I agree with Hilda.
You would be crazy to have a child with this man. You can do so much better sweetheart. Please get out of this unhealthy relationship now!
If I were you, I would contact the ex to find out her version of the truth, and get a solicitor to do searches on the property to find out exactly who owns it, who is the mortgage owed to, and what other debts are secured on it. Searches won't cost much. I'd also do a credit check on him.
You are putting yourself under a horrendous burden OP, and your DP is far too passive and has far too many women around him involved in his finances. How many red flags do you want to see?
A lot of this just doesn't ring true.
If the debt was an advance on his inheritance, why is his mother asking for it to be repaid? Since to avoid Inheritance Tax, (albeit it may be under the threshold), it needs to have been made 7 years before the death of the testator?
Why is he paying maintenance when he has 50% residency of the child?
Why isn't the debt secured?
How much of the debt has already been paid off?
It almost sounds like a mafia family - you come into our family, you pay your dues!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Your P has not got himself into debt because you are paying all the extras to have a nice life not because he is any better with money that he was. He isn't in the slightest. You just have a different attitude towards money/debt than his ex and are what is propping him up.
He is happy to pay over the odds to contribute to his first child but will not be paying a penny towards his second.
How does he do 50/50 child care with his ex for his first child? How is that going to fit around his working from home and a second child? He isn't really going to be doing 50/50 child care at all with you is he. Your sister is. She is doing 3 days, child care will be doing another. That is 4/7 days dealt with not by him but you and your family with you paying 100% of it. All he has to do is a little driving.
If you are in the UK is your sister a registered child minder? I think she could get into serious trouble looking after a child for money, in her own home not being registered and not declaring it.
OP - if you do read this, can I add - if he has his DD 50% of the time, you could reassure your MIL that you will always ensure she can have access to DD when he has her. Most paternal grandmothers of divorced couples see their DGC when the Dad has access. If he has her 50% of the time, she's still going to see a lot of her DGD.
OP, if you are still reading this thread...
How wonderful that you are deeply in love with this man, but could you please wait three or four years before having a child?
If you are meant to stay together this time will not matter, you will know each other better, the finances will be better....
Oh crikey Darkesteyes, he sounds dreadful! I had to laugh at a few of your anecdotes though! Many years ago I had a bf like that, at one point I had 3 jobs and he had none, he would always "forget his wallet" etc. To be fair though, ops Dp doesn't sound like this.
My lovely Dp was hugeli in debt when we met. She was very embarrassed about it but despite this was actually very organised. She was honest about it, was insistent that we kept our finances separate and got debt counselling. She entered into a repayment plan. Several years later it is all paid off. Because she was completely honest with me and comitted to sorting it out, plus she had a good job. It didn't put me off. Lots of people make mistakes and end up with debt, it's how they sort it out that counts.
. His mum will probably still keep paying EXW so she can contiune to see her GD
Is there some blackmail going on here.
i think she should talk to his mum in case hes lying. And i think there is a strong chance that he is.
Just caught up with the OP's plan of action. Good luck.
More about my ex and the red flags. Its an old post from an old thread on another site.
1 My ex would time me in the shower only allowing me THREE MINUTES maximum (worried about his water meter)
2 i was round his late one night and when it came for time to take me home we found his sisters car which he had borrowed had been broken into,drivers window smashed glass everywhere both big shards and very small ones.I couldnt believe what he then said.
"well it will be a bit cold but i will brush the glass of the seats and drive you home" He actually expected me to risk sitting on broken glass rather than fork out for a taxihe insisted he had no money i only had 10 pounds to my name until payday. It wasnt until we went to the cashpoint i found out he had 700 pounds and it was only 4 days till his next payday.He begrudgingly lent me 30 pounds for a taxi after i phoned the cab company and got an exact quote from them and yes i paid him back.No way could we drive around in car with a smashed window.Police might have thinked my ex was the one who pinched it and it would have caused complications getting the crime number which you need for the insurance payout.Oh and it was November so it was cold
He refused to by a present for his brothers 40th not even a cheap bottle of plonk even though i offered to go halves yet he insisted on going to the party
He saw a duvet set in my catologue that he fancied so he asked me to order it and he would pay me back when it was delivered.
On the day it came i met him for dinner and took the duvet set with me and instinct told me to take the invoice as well.I gave him the set we went and sat down and i asked him for the money so i could pay off the invoice.Every time i asked he kept changing the subject and this went on for a good hour and a half.In the end i had to put the invoice in his lap.
The straw that broke the camels back in the end?He invited (insisted) that i pop round three days before Christmas and didnt tell me he had a really bad tummy bug and then he CRAP**D the bed I KID YOU NOT.He said he thought it was safe enough to try and fart HIS WORDS I went down with said bug on the Boxing Day.I was absolutely furious.I ended the relationship on New Years Eve.
Incidentally he would NEVER buy groceries at all unless he knew i was coming over 1 packet of pasta 1packet of pasta sauce 1 bottle of diet coke and garlic bread.One time i was too ill to go over and he had a right go at me cos he had already bought this stuff. He did deliveries for an Indian takeaway five nights a week and they gave him a free meal to take home every night.When i pointed out this was bad for his health he just said "Its free.
In the summertime i used to buy ice cream and leave it in his freezer.I gave up on this after a while as he would just let the electric run out and the ice cream would melt. One time i was getting out of the shower at his one NIGHT and the electric just went off and i nearly slipped.He would only get a tenner out of the cashpoint at a time but then would get the car out to take the five minute drive to the cashpoint every time he needed more
By the way this was a man in his early fifties.
There was also a time that he refused to go out and buy more toilet roll when he once ran out when i was over there and told me to take my Imodium so i woudnt need to go.(i suffer from IBS) I sincerly hope that no woman ever has children with my ex.It would be a pass port to poverty. I will NEVER tolerate a tightwad again
Why should she talk to his mum? I think there is a lot of enabling (is that the right word?) being suggested here. It's his debt, his problem and that's it. If the OP is willing to take it on - and it sounds as if she is - she needs full disclosure and a proper plan of action. From and with him.
It does sound to me like this is mostly down to the ex wife. She was bankrupt before she met the DP. He meets her and being young and in love uses his inheritance to pay off her debts so they can start their life together with a clean financial slate. Problem is that all she's learned is that if she gets into a financial mess her DH will pull some money out of his arse to bail her out so she continues to live well above her means and racks up a lot of debts again. This time he has to get a loan from his mother to pay of the debts but that's ok because there's equity in the house and it's better than barely covering the interest payments each month. OP's DP then lays down the law about the spending, they start living within their means and have to tighten their belts even more to pay DP's DM back. Ex wife realises that between the benefits and maintenance she'd get as a single parent she'd have a far better quality of life if she LTB so the marriage breaks down.
Of course there are a lot of assumptions here but I'd be surprised if I'm miles off.
KittenCamile have you looked into moving closer to work? If you're both forking out for a season ticket for a two hour commute then it's probably cheaper to live close to work and pay the increased rent. It would also give your DP more opportunity to get a second job to pay his debts back with.
"you never hear about cuntlodgers on MN"
Sorry but i found this remark really offensive.
Especially as when the term gold digger is used it usually refers to a woman so it IS women who are stereotyped like this much more than men.
I dont hear the term cocklodger used in RL!
OP this man sounds irresponsible. I had an ex who was £9,000 in debt and secretive and evasive about it but we never lived together. He showed so many red flags and kept making remarks like "we will have to tighten our belts" and would have a go at me for having a cut and colour even though i budgeted for it and gave up smoking so i could afford it.
I saw that he would begrudge me having things that he couldnt. He had got into debt by getting out expensive mobile phone contracts and trying to impress a woman he knew before he met me.
You should certainly talk to his mum. If he objects to that in any way that should tell you all you need to know.
The maintenance he pays to his ex wife - is it really on to interfere in that? There seems to be a lot of women involved here. Ex wife, mother, OP - and, in the middle, this man who doesn't really seem to know what's going on.
I would advise you to get your dp to do a credit check on himself so that you can clearly see if their are any other debts hanging around him.
Once you know that their aren't and you are sure that his only debt his to his mother you can start to plan to move forward
I wouldn't take his word that he has no further debts either. I would want to see it in black an white from Experian
For your own peace of mind you do really need to know if there is anything more than 30k of debt to his mum
With the maintenance personally I would do it now rather than later. Far easy to deal with someone who is going to go apeshit that her money is going down when you ( op) are not hormonal and pregnant.
Also if you do it when you have had a baby most likely the ex will be saying that daddy is reducing the money cos of new baby and that could start off a whole new lot of problems
You cannot make a proper decision about this because you don't actually know the facts. The details don't really add up and he is not forthcoming. Of course you can't hand over money on this basis. Of course you can't make any decisions about the future. Some people would say leave. At the very least, you should do nothing to help solve his problem. Keep focused on your own career and keep saving. His life sounds messy and will probably implode at some point. Have nothing to do with things you don't understand.
Good plan kitten. I think you sound very sensible. Hope it all works out. I was a bit at the LTB comments. I am in the communication and information is king camp.
Ok so I have decided to leave this thread. I have had some great advice about how to handle this and can now start to think about a plan, what DP needs to do ect.
I'm not going to pay for anything and he is going to discuse the cause of action with his mum but I will be included in the conversation as I do the house hold buget.
I feel confident that I can ask who's debt it is and what it was spent on thanks to this thread. And can then make an educated decision from there.
I'm leaving because talking about a man you don't know in such derogitry terms is just not helpful.
I love him with all my heart, he is helpful, curtious, a man who spends all his spear time with his DD because he want to not because he is expected to. I want a family with him because it will be a great family built on people who love each other and deadicate time to each other, not because he has a good bank balance.
FWIW he never lied to me about the debt, he never ever told me he was debt free and easy and as soon as we were moving in together he told me everything.
As for the matinance that will be something we have to look at down the line. His mum will probably still keep paying EXW so she can contiune to see her GD. I agree that DP is paying too much and he would love to pay less but its just not that easy.
I did want to say thank you for bareing with me on the spelling and grammer front, its sometimes very hard for me to articulate myself through my dyslexia.
Thank you for the advice and your time and effort
I'm also a bit baffled by the ex. I'm not divorced but I can't imagine any I'd my divorced friends get anywhere near £1k a month in maintenance and they all have 2/3 kids! Why doesn't he just go to the CSA? If it's her that caned all the money-why is she living the life of Riley? Does she work?
I don't understand the maintenance to exW. Is it for her or is it child maintenance? 50/50 residency means noone pays maintenance to anyone. Even the CSA acknowledge this is correct now. Also if it is spousal maintenance the courts like a clean break so why wasn't she awarded a higher proportion of marital assets eg the house?
It all sounds bizarre, let alone the fact that his DM is paying the exW as well.
I would be worried that he has no idea what he managed to spend 30k on and if I'm not imagining it a further 25k inheritance
If he said to you Well honey I blew it on gambling and drugs in Las Vegas, or went travelling round the world for 2 -3 years then at least he has something to explain for where it all went
But just "Well i don't know what i spent it" on seem to be someone who is reckless or at the very least pretty stupid with money or rather other peoples money
"He isn't passive so much as ashamed I think, he doesn't talk about it or bring it up with him mum because then he has to admit he isn't a 'man'."
If his shame was worth anything, he'd be ashamed that you were subsidising his ex wife's lifestyle and are thinking about subbing his mother too.
What's really unmanly is refusing to deal with this head on with his mother and instead hiding behind your earning power.
Tell him to get his finances sorted permanently with his mother and ex and then come back to you.
You should have no part of it.
Also, he needs to figure out what he spent £30K on.
What a pathetic no mark this guy is.
no, people think you shouldnt have a baby with this man, because you're likely to end up hideously in debt and because he has not been honest with you about what is a pretty obscene amount of money. If you had come on and said you made great money and met a lovely (honest)man who you want to be a sahd with not a penny to his name... nobody would flinch.
I find this a bit hard, as at one point I was the one with the debt.
I did keep it a secret from my DH at first, and only let him know when we started talking about moving in together and how we would split finances. I wasn't hiding it, I was just too embarrassed and tbh, until we lived together he didn't need to know.
I am a bit confused about the "loan against the house" Either it was secured on the property, with a charge put on, or it wasn't - in which case it wasn't against the house.
It sounds like you have sat down and worked out your budgets.
I would go to MIL with HIS (not yours or joint) budget planner to show her that he earns X, pays out Y in travel and maintainence, and contributes Z to the household living expenses with you.
If, IF, there is anything left then it can be paid to her to start reducing the debt.
Please don't leave yourself short to pay for a debt that you didn't run up, and had been lent long before you were in the picture. If you do your figures as I suggest then YOU will be the ones paying for the treats and extras that you want, other than being the one who is having to sacrifice lifestyle choices to pay debt which you have no part of.
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