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Helping DP paying off old debt

(144 Posts)
KittenCamile Wed 10-Apr-13 19:58:22

Hi

I found out last year that DP owes £30,000 to his parents. The loan was taken against his house.

This loan was taken when he was married, he has since devoirced and kept the house (which was his and in his name) and got all of the debt.

So his parents are now talking about starting payments again (they stopped when he split with his ex as he couldn't afford the morgage, rent on a flat for him. Matinance and that).

We have been together 2 yrs and lived together 1. DP has no money, his expenditures meet his income, because of this I am the one currently saving so we can start ttc, I pay for food ect. THis I don't mind as I veiw it as a House hold income and when we have DC's that's how it should be. He sold the house but it made no money so none of the debt was paid off.

So my question is, AIBU to want to know who's debt it is (DP EXW was decleared banKrupt before they married) and what is was for?

Iam going to be the one paying it back as DP can't afford any extra outgoings. To me this is just an unbeliveble amount of money and I feel sick just thinking about it.

Will it make it worse if I actually end up paying for the big wedding the couldn't afford or the child they couldn't afford?

I don't see any other way, if his parents want the money back and he has none it is going to fall to me

Sorry about spelling, I'm dyslexic and on my phone (not that spell check helps as all the words look the same to me!)

msrisotto Thu 11-Apr-13 07:05:37

Don't do it! Presumably his wife didn't get bankrupt all by herself. I'd bet he had a lot to do with that.

Lavenderhoney Thu 11-Apr-13 07:07:15

Even if you marry him you are not liable for his debt and are under no obligation to pay it.

I was in a similar situation when I met DH (£10,000 debt). The first thing I wanted was to know every financial detail so I knew exactly what we were facing and how to deal with it.

He moved into my flat (as planned before I knew about debt). He paid a contribution to cover the extra in food and bills as a result of him moving in and used all of the rest of his wages to pay off the debt (which he did in 1 year). My rationale for this approach was that 1) I wanted debt paid off ASAP - I hate debt and would not have married or started a family with him until debt free 2) I was not out of pocket by him moving in and the house was still fully in my name and him not contributing towards the mortgage (separate account to bills and food) meant he had no hold over my flat if things went TU.

As soon as debt was paid off, we opened a joint savings account where the amount he used to pay off debt went in (and went towards our wedding) . But again had things gone TU, we would have split that and walked away, him with some money behind him to rent or buy and me with my flat and some extra savings

DH (of 7 years and with 2 dc) who had previously been a spender and in debt, side then completely changed hs mind set and like me will always want to save for things in advance (except for a house of course). Our contribution to our expenses ad savings is proportionate to our wages and we are each left we the same amount of spending money each month.

However you decide to handle this, try and do it in a way that means he is paying off the debt not you so he takes responsibility and sees the debt going down (sounds like it will mean you contributing more towards household bills to do this). Also protect your assets/savings. I would also not be thinking about weddings and dc until debt is paid off (by all means, save towards them but keep the money separate and in your name).

KittenCamile Thu 11-Apr-13 09:09:59

Thank you for all your replys, I didn't plan posting well and couldn't get back on to read and reply till this morning.

To clarify a few things,

DP sold his house last year (he was a home owner before he met his EXW) and it pretty mucH broke even, no extra debt was made.

His parents lent him the money against the house but nothing was ever made offical.

DP was made redundant a month before his DD was born and had to get any job which he did but it paid less and also means he has to save £3000 a year to commute, bringing his monthly income down.

EXW was decleared bankrupt 3 yrs before they met.

I found out last night that DP sold his share of his dads house (his dad past away, His current debt is DM and SD) which was £25,000 to pay off his then W debt.

Yes they spent the 5 yrs of their relationship spending more than they earned and somehow mangaed to create £30,000 worth of debt!!!

I don't think I should pay off the debt but any extra money DP has to pay monthly will mean I have to cover something else to will kind of be paying it off anyway if that makes sense!

DP pays a third of his salary as matinance (we have his DD 50/50), he pays 50% of the rent and bills on our house. I am on the lease. He pays half of what I pay towards the months food and petrol fund because otherwise we wouldn't have that much.

We could split everything 50/50, have a smaller house, no holidays, basic food and never have wine but I don't want to live like that so I pay extra so we can have extras. I don't see a probelm with that, as a house hold we have a nice life.

What DP can't afford in money to contribute to our DC he would contribute in time, as a house hold we can comfortably finace a DC (even two at some point), he would still be paying half of rent and all bills just not food and petrol. I am currently saving £500 a month for mat leave so I can easily have a year off. I do not expect anyone to pay for me or my family.

That was long sorry!

So IABU to pay but not to ask where the money went?

DP has created no new debt in the two years we have been together. I know this is true.

MadamFolly Thu 11-Apr-13 09:19:36

He cannot afford to pay parents back, if debt was against house it should be written off. Is he searching for a better paid job?

DontmindifIdo Thu 11-Apr-13 09:23:40

So, your DP borrowed money to pay for his ExW debts from his mum, it's not official but she wants it back now? He effectively lost that money in the house sale etc.

Could he talk to his mum, and say he can't afford to pay it back (because he can't, effectively he can only afford this by you paying for something he would normally be covering, effectively you will be paying for this debt), is there any way you can work round this? Does his mum need the money back or is it more hte principle that she lent it to him and he should pay back his debts? If it's the principle, can he go to see her, sit her down and explain that it's not something he can afford to pay back, and he feels uncomfortable asking you to pay for it (esp as it looks like it was money borrowed to clear his ExW's spending of one sort or another). Is there any other way to make this 'fair' - like saying if there's an inheritance coming, then he will forgo his share in favour of a sibling?

But I would be looking to sit down with him and go through the finances, is there anything else he could give up and/or increase the length of time he pays it back over to reduce the monthly outgoings?

whattodoo Thu 11-Apr-13 09:24:04

Why does he pay so much maintenance if you have his DD 50%?

I strongly feel that you shouldn't be thinking about having a child with him until the debt is paid.

He needs to put a plan together to pay off the debt. And he needs to show that he wants to do so - why did his parents have to ask him to start making repayments? Has he no pride - I'd be working my arise of in any number of jobs to pay back the debt asap.

I sort of see that if you are committed to each other long-term then your financial plans are joint. But he's a history of spending money that he doesn't have, and he s not being fully honest about his situation and how he's got in this mess.

whattodoo Thu 11-Apr-13 09:25:28

arise arse

KittenCamile Thu 11-Apr-13 09:34:03

Yes he is looking for a better paid job, its not as easy as that though is it? We both commute 4 hrs a day to London so getting a second job isn't an option as he would have no time and would not be able to have his DD.

His mum does not need the money back at all it is the princeple. DontmindifIdo idea of righting it off against his inheritance is good and practicle. He could pay a token £40-50 a month to them but that will never clear it.

His EXW wanted that much a month so put it in the devoirce, he couldn't afford to keep contesting things so it stayed, she asked his DM for £200 in mantinace also, so between the two of them she gets £1000 a month.

Morloth Thu 11-Apr-13 09:41:00

He cannot afford a second child.

Seriously don't have a child with this man.

You would be absolutely crazy to do so.

I would place a large bet that he is going to fuck you over financially.

Hell he might not even mean to (snort) but whether Daddy is a prick or just an idiot with money doesn't matter when kids need something and there is no cash.

Love is not enough.

AThingInYourLife Thu 11-Apr-13 09:42:11

So his mother is paying his ex-wife £200 a month and now she's planning to claw it back from you?

These are not good people.

They hid this financial disaster from you, and now they expect you to bail them all out.

You can't bring children into this mess.

Lambzig Thu 11-Apr-13 09:47:12

His exW is massively taking the mickey though, particularly if you have DD 50/50. Cannot understand why his DM is giving her money. Very dodgy set up.

whattodoo Thu 11-Apr-13 09:48:47

My God! This sounds like a whole big mess of financial nightmares.

Think really, very, terribly carefully before you get more entangled.

I really do feel for you though - its awful to fall in love with someone and then discover a whole load of stuff about them that you hadn't bargained on.

CloudsAndTrees Thu 11-Apr-13 09:52:37

This sounds very wierd.

LIZS Thu 11-Apr-13 09:53:12

That arrangement is just weird ! Effectively his maintenance is 1000 pcm and his mum has been subbing it and wants reimbursing by him repaying the loan. I suspect this only the surface of deeper issues. How old is their dc ? Are they local or nearer where the house was and his parents ? The fact he hah physically moved away suggests he was hoping to leave it all behind. What sort of relationship do you have with them.

Given what you have said he cannot afford to have another child, but nor realistically can you as it would mean giving up your job (commuting and childcare won't really stack up) and finding rent/mortgage, bills etc without his help. Walk away before he gets you and any future dc embroiled in this mess.

CookieLady Thu 11-Apr-13 09:59:04

Kitten, why on earth is his mother giving £200 pcm to exw? It's most peculiar.

larrygrylls Thu 11-Apr-13 10:13:42

I think people are being v judgmental here. I cannot imagine the same stance being taken if the sexes were reversed and the OP was a man.

Your partner really needs to renegotiate the maintenance agreement. What seems to have happened is that his XP has got a settlement based on his parents' wealth, which is really not right. If he cannot afford £1,000/month, he needs to go back to court and renegotiate. If his parents are wealthy and there is more than one child, I think it makes sense to ask them if they will forgive the debt in return for taking it (plus reasonable interest) out of their will.

You really need (together) to have an open and honest discussion with his parents about how to proceed. They may be appalled that you are paying off his debt (effectively) and have no desire to enforce it.

I also think that if you have plenty of money and a supportive family, there is no reason not to have a child and split all "family money" (as MN likes to call it) equally.

The big proviso here, of course, is where your partner is coming from. If it is genuinely in good faith, wanting to have a family with you and being prepared to make the appropriate time and money sacrifices to make it happen, I see nothing unhealthy about it. If, however, he sees you as a meal ticket, it will only end in tears. Only you can know the answer to that and you need to look at the situation in a very cold objective manner and see what you think.

Morloth Thu 11-Apr-13 10:23:21

DH would not have touched me with a bargepole in the same circumstances.

LifeofPo Thu 11-Apr-13 10:26:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

larrygrylls Thu 11-Apr-13 10:31:57

Morloth,

On that basis I would not have married my wife. I had a large central London flat (no mortgage), a good job, plenty of investments, she had a few K of student debt.

Money is to be used for families, not vice versa, and any sensible person can tell a gold digger from someone who is genuine.

Bakingtins Thu 11-Apr-13 10:37:11

There's a difference between 30K, a failed marriage, a child and expensive maintenance payments and a history of making bad decisions and then being dishonest about the financial mess and "a few K of student debt" though isn't there? I don't think anyone is suggesting that having any debt at the start of a relationship is dooming it to failure.

Morloth Thu 11-Apr-13 10:42:04

Student debts are different from money pissed up against a wall.

I would have married DH if he had been poor, I would not have done so if he was as the OP describes.

As good old Dr Phil says 'the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour', the OP would be foolish to trust her future children's financial security to this man.

ValentineWiggins Thu 11-Apr-13 10:55:07

His mum does not need the money back at all it is the princeple

What principle is this - that YOU should pay back his debt? HE cannot afford to pay it back without you subsidising him. This is NO different to if he was living on his own and couldn't afford to pay it back - what would his DM do then?

In this situation you need to start by ignoring the debt. Work out what is a fair way of splitting your household finances based on what you each earn. Up to you whether you do it proportionally to income or equally - do it the way that you would want to do it if there was no debt. IF he then has any spare money he can pay her back out of that - but budgetting to pay her back effectively out of your money just so that she can make a point is silly.

KittenCamile Thu 11-Apr-13 11:22:58

I don't think his mum has realised he has no surplus cash tbh, we don't want for anything, are going on holiday next month and I have saved a few thousand so far for a baby. Because of this I think, she thinks he is doing ok.

We do need to have a good chat with her but I wasn't sure whether I was BU wanting to be part of that conversation.

I think the inheritance is the way to go.

With regards to matinance, if I start saying it needs to be cut I am going to be accused of taking money off of DPs DD (she is 4 btw) yes DP4 family are wealthy and if anyone is a goldigger here it is his EXW but I am not willing to get into that mess.

The only thing that has upset me from this thread is that even though I work hard, have saved hard and have a very felxible job which means I can independantly afford a child I should have one because DP doesn't have an amazing job and debt!

Dp would be doing at least 50% of the child care (as he does now with his dd) so am I going be a dreadful mother because I will be the bread winner and dp will in part be a sahp? Do people only have dc if they can both independantly support them? I wouldn't even need to be full time!

whattodoo Thu 11-Apr-13 11:33:20

Oh kitten, I don't think anyone is suggesting you shouldn't start a family because of your DP's job or that has debts.

Its just that we are concerned about how the debts have arisen and that he has drip fed the details to you. We are jot emotionally involved, so its easier as an outsider to be cynical and see the pitfalls.

MN is the last place that would criticise or judge a woman planning on being the breadwinner and her DP doing the SAHP role.

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