Husband and Parents don't like each other and Husband refuses to go round(65 Posts)
Abit of a long story so please bear with me everyone.
My husband supports Spurs and my sister's husband and my mum support Arsenal. About 6 years ago Arsenal beat Spurs and my sister's husband phoned up my husband to tease him about it. My husband got annoyed and phoned up my dad. My dad started to get chest pains from the stress of it all and ended up in hospital as well.
Things for the next 4 years were very tense. My husband would go round but he didn't feel very comfortable as my sister's husband would continuosly make fun of Spurs in a direct way. My mum would join in as well.
For the last 2 years though things have got even worse. My husband refuses to go round and my mum/dad refuse to come round my house. I do still go round to see my mum/dad with the children (son 12 and daughter 9).
For my dads 65th birthday he never went and nor did I as things were very tight with money and we were expected to pay for the birthday party.
My husband will go round for Christmas Day to see them but that is all he will do. My mum refuses to phone him on his birthday and refuses to buy him a present as well. My mum will also refuse to buy him a Christmas present.
I also have a younger sister whose boyfriend has proposed to her and we had a get-together to celebrate this at her boyfriend's mums house. We were all invited but my husband refused to go as he didn't want to see my mum/dad so I ended up going on my own.
Now I am worried incase he doesn't come to the engagement/wedding of my sister. He says he will but I'm worried he will change his mind at the last minute.
I have spoken to him but everytime we end up arguing. I have also sat down and spoken to my parents but they tell me not to argue with him. I get upset because they get upset and I also get upset because I don't like arguing with my husband over this.
Any help appreciated.
They are all as bad as each other.
Spurs and Arsenal are revolting clubs.
There's only one team in London. Chelsea.
They all sound like a bunch of idiots. Ignore them.
I feel very sorry for your DH. This started with a stupid argument about football, but it seems to me that it could have been about anything. Your family are a bunch of bullies and have decided to make your DH their victim.
I know its bad form to bring up past threads from the OP but her family specifically her mother has not been nice to her DH, her, or her two children. She has written about this before too, and now bil will refuse to attend family events if her DH is there.
The wedding might have some major fireworks.
People posting "it's only a game" type comments are missing the point, I think. The football stuff is a red herring, the larger principle is that her DH is constantly left out, isolated, disrespected, bullied, etc, and OP doesn't seem to care. If the genders were reversed MN would be telling the 'DH' to support his 'wife' against the toxic in-laws.
What is your view on trolls, goaders etc.
Do you tell your children to ignore those that call them names, to not engagewith them?
Do you agree with the posts that tell posters not to have anything to do with toxic parents/ILs?
If yes, that is what the OP's DH is doing.
You know...after reading the last two posts and giving it a bit of thought...OP, is that actually going on here? Is there bullying? It's hard to judge fro an online post....are the two sides as bad as each other and refusing to back down or is it more than that? There's a fine line> My original reply was just concentrating on how this is affecting you - you don't seem to be ablt to get everyone to come to a resolution on this, though it seems you have at least attempted to remain neutral, but it is affecting your marriage...do you think your DH is actually being bullied unfairly when you step back from it all?
Why did your DH feel the need to phone your dad up during that first incident? Perhaps that might help us to see a more rounded version of the situation - it strikes me as a little odd...
We there other problems before this initial incident of teasing from your BIL?
Has your DH respectfully asked them to please stop but they ignore him? Does he sometimes initiate the teasing?
When you put this problem into the context of your family as a whole, how does it sit with you?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I don't think it is 'just football', in the sense that the BIL and mother have used football as a means to treat the OP's DH like dirt over an extended period of time. They could have decided to mock him about his hair, or any other trivial thing. The pretext isn't important, the mocking is.
I would try and get some assurances from BIL and your mother that they will make an effort for the engagement party/wedding so you can reassure your DH.
And I do think he deserves a bit more support from you over this.
It is very easy -looking at some of the responses on here- to see how bullies get away with goading and provoking their victims for so long.
People who take supporting football teams to the point of disliking others for supporting different teams are fucking idiots. It's a game for fuck sake, A GAME! Get a bloody grip.
I dont think there's really anything you can do except ignore it and refuse to be drawn into it. Are you a peacemaker by nature? If you are then this advice can be hard to impliment.
Is there any way, when it all gets to you, that you can go sonweher quiet and imagine them all in silly little school uniforms squabbling it out between themselves (or some other equally silly scenario) so you can let your subconscious see how silly it all is and maybe have a wuiet gighle to yourself about it?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Has anyone pointed out to any of them that it is only a fucking game?
Might help them get over themselves.
How old is your husband and your BIL, eleven? Knock their heads together and tell them both to grow up.
My DP supports Spurs, his DB supports Aresenal.
They rib each other, they phone each other and give each other grief when the play each other. But it is all in fun, they are adults!!
If your DH had been more adult in his initial response to the first incident none of this would be happening. It sounds to me as though he 'went running to daddy' ie told tales on your DB when he gave him a ribbing the first time.
I have no clue what to do about it other than bang their heads together.
Refusing to visit his family in retaliation is particularly childish IMO.
You ALL need to grow up.
Do you think your DH just knows he will get lots of comments from your mum and he refuses to go round because he thinks he will just flip one day?
Please don't treat your PiL the same, you will be stooping to the same level as your DM. I do realise that to some people football is a religion, but lots of families support different team without having this sort of situation. I feel for you and DF sitting in the middle.
It's football FFS. A bunch of oversized boys being paid too much money to put a ball in to a net (which they never seem to manage to do most of the time). Your DH needs to grow up. So does the rest of your family. God, I'd hate to see how they react to actual important issues.
My DB and my DSIL support "rival" teams (admittedly not quite as "rival" as Spurs and Arsenal as the teams DB and DSIL support haven't been in the same league much recently but still fierce local rivals whenever they do play each other) and my DB is about as "into" football as you could be. He has married someone who supports the rival team and apart from as an amusing anecdote in their wedding speeches it has never been an issue at all. It is just football fgs. Either your mum and DBIL are going way OTT with their goading of your DH's team or your DH is massively overreacting to teasing.
"If my other half was as unsupporting and disrespectful of my feelings as you are towards your husdand tbh I would serously be considering the marrige as your appear to be enabling and supporting the bullies in this situation and putting your and your families feelings above your husbands."
^^ THIS. Start sticking up for your husband. Stop trying to think of ways to make his life worse, like treating your blameless MIL as rudely as your family are treating him.
this is just hypocritical if it was your PIL / OH brother taking the piss out of you for 4 years people on mumsnet would say cut them off etc dont go around for EA etc but because its a man at the reciving end of the ridcule he should just 'grow up' god its disgusting if we tell females on here whos MIL abuses / bully (same thing in my books) them to grow up we would be flamed right off the forums
OP I would ask you to walk in his shoes and imagine if you would put up with yourself and or you children being treated the same way as you DH before you condem your DH actions as tbh he seems like the most grown up one out of the lot of you as he has made the decision to take himself out of the abusive sitation but not stopped you or your children visiting. So rather then come on here and contine slagging off your OH have some respect for his feelings about being the centre of constant ridicule rather then your own feelings of his "disrepct towards your family" for refusing to go into a situation were bullying is occuring.
If my other half was as unsupporting and disrespectful of my feelings as you are towards your husdand tbh I would serously be considering the marrige as your appear to be enabling and supporting the bullies in this situation and putting your and your families feelings above your husbands.
Tell them all to grow the fuck up.
No wonder your dh doesn't want to be around your family, he was constantly ridiculed for 4 years and now he just gets ignored. You should have a talk with your parents and bil & SIL and have your mother and BIL apologise to your dh. Then hopefully they can all move past this.
Don't ignore your dh's family for revenge or to prove a point though.
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