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B listed for brothers wedding

(115 Posts)
jengeorge Wed 10-Apr-13 17:27:57

Hi, I am new to this and just wanted some advice please and views as Ive had 4 weeks of grief about my brothers wedding in the summer. Really unclear as what to do about it as it stands.

Some background. I have 2 bothers, we are not particually close and live 300 miles away. Neither brother has visited me in the last 8 years , and I have only seen them briefly at my mum and dads home. I do think there was ever a big falling out, we have all just lead very different lives and lived seperatly. I have been married 20 years, both brothers attended my wedding and I attended my first brothers wedding 21 years ago. Last time we are all together was for a golden wedding celebration 1 year ago.

Christmas time brother number 2 anounces he is marrying his GF of 18 years. March my mum tells me she has her invite. Three weeks later there no invite has appeared for me. After long phone calls it transpires my brother sent the email invite to a very old email address of mine( despite having used my current email for sending of photos in the last year). I then receive a email invite to the wedding reception at 3pm in a village hall. The wedding venue it seems only holds 20 people and me and my husband have not been invited to this. However my other brother and his wife and 3 children have all been invited to the wedding ceremony, for a pub lunch afterwards , as well as my godmother and my parents, and then on to the evening do.

I was really hurt by this and after much upset and tears , and my DH being mortified at being b listed decided we would have to decline the evening invite. There were many phone calls to brother and mum and dad to try and resolve this. Brother even at one point stated he was not accepting our not going as there would be " consequences" . . He has explained that the venue was picked in haste and they did not know it would be such a big deal for people wanting to be at the actual wedding. They feel that the evening reception is the highlight of the day and the wedding bit is just a formality.

I do know that my invite was different to my other family members as I have had my mum read out hers over the phone. She too has been very upset my this and my dad has even offered to give up his seat so I can go....obviously not going to happen. My brother will not admit that there was an a list and B list of invitees. He says he didnt think we would be going to come so thats why we were offered the evening invite only. He has since said that if it means that much to us ( which it does) being able to attend the wedding, he will somehow wangle it so we can be there. He does seem very concerned now as to what to tell people if his sister is not there.

On my last converstaion with my brother I asked then if he could send me and my husband a new invitiation and then we could put a line under the whole mess and start again. The converstaion ended with him laughing at me.

Oh Dear. What a mess. I do want to be at my brother wedding. I have asked if this anything do do with my SIL but appearenty not and she also has problems with having divorced parents who dont speak to other and are both invited and say they will not go if either of the others is there.

Am I being unreasonable in asking for a new invitiation ?

Seems we have created world war 3. I just dont know how 2 people in their 50s, both professionals with a reasonable amount of intellect having a low key informal wedding can have messed up and upset so many people. I say this as it appears some of my brothers friends and other realives invited to the evening only are upset. I have only heard this from my brother and have not discussed this with anyone other than my mum and brother involved, out of courtesy to my brother and SIL.

poglol Sat 13-Apr-13 12:32:07

I must admit i have not read everything on this one, but I do think yabu.

They can only have 20 to the ceremony. So once her parents (could be 4), and his parents, closer bro and family (that's 8 with no children counted) only leaves 12 seats. So that's 3 close mates with partners each assuming she has no siblings.

I an pretty sure they know friends they have a closer relationship with than you tbh. It's not a critisism. I have 3 sisters, with varying closeness, defo have friends that are closer. Distance does play a factor, it's hard to have a close relationship unless you spend time together/chat regularly.

You are invited to the reception, and sounds like to the meal now too. You should go and celebrate with your brother and family. I think you will regret it in the future if you don't go.

It's their day and their choice. Weddings are hard to plan and expensive. Don't make it harder for them. Talk to them and draw a line under all this. Go to the reception. In a few months invite them to visit if you want to get closer.

None of this is meant to be critical, but trying to be objective about it.

nemno Thu 11-Apr-13 20:21:49

It's not that OP doesn't make the groom's top 20. presumably the groom only actually has 10 places to fill. His brother alone is taking 5 places. How big is your own immediate family OP?

I bet this was meant to be a really low key affair and it has all gone horribly wrong.

But as you are upset, it shows you would like to be closer to your brother. Not attending his wedding at all will achieve the opposite. That would be a terrible shame.

Cerisier Thu 11-Apr-13 17:21:04

I don't think the fact they don't see each other much is an issue. I don't see my brother very often (7 times in 10 years) and don't speak to him much due to busy lives and the time difference. However we are still close and would be there for each other at the drop of a hat if needed.

I don't think the OP is making it all about her. Her DB has thoughtlessly made it obvious that she doesn't make his top twenty and she is shocked and hurt. I am not surprised.

I think it is a great shame for the parents that all their 3 children won't be at the wedding. As a parent I would not be happy if one of my children did this to another. It would be a nail in the coffin of happy families and something that could never be forgotten.

nemno Thu 11-Apr-13 16:29:54

I'm with Alwayscheerful. Exactly what I was going to say.

CoconuttysYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 16:23:20

She was invited to the reception, as I assume were lots of people who he wants there but isn't especially close to.

Alwayscheerful Thu 11-Apr-13 16:22:05

I think your Brother is trying to make amends, he is able to add your name to the list for the pub meal/reception and he has done so, he should have said come along to the ceremony we will fit you in some how but it might be a bit of a squeeze but he didnt find the right words.

Find it in your heart to go and then promise to make more effort to keep in touch.

diddl Thu 11-Apr-13 16:14:55

Well imo it's not true that he invited her.

He hasn't asked her to the wedding-which is what it's all about-just the party after.

IIRC she wasn't even asked to the reception (pub lunch?)?

nkf Thu 11-Apr-13 16:13:52

If you want to attend the wedding, then accept the new invite with thanks. Don't make a deal about the proper invite. It's an email invite anyway. Hardly something to cherish. It sounds as if he is closer to the other family members than he is to you. Do you think that is bothering you?

CoconuttysYoni Thu 11-Apr-13 16:11:11

How has he screwed up royally? He didn't want her there for the ceremony and she won't be there for it.

TBH at the evening do, there will be loads of people there and I doubt anyone will notice that she's not there. Why should he lie though? He should just say I invited her but she didn't want to come to unless it was all her own way so she didn't come.

girlywhirly Thu 11-Apr-13 16:05:29

Personally, I think your brother has screwed up royally on this. I would feel the same as you OP. Leave it to him to explain (lie) to anyone who asks that you couldn't come. He will be punished enough by your parents who know the real reason, and frankly if he and his wife to be had just thought about this a bit more carefully instead of booking a venue in haste, all this could have been avoided. I bet that there will be fewer people attending than they actually invite, there are always those who wait until the last minute to RSVP in case they get a better offer.

I would buy him a very modest wedding present if you want to and spend the money you have saved on travel/hotel/new outfits etc on yourselves for a nice day out or put towards your holiday.

Still18atheart Thu 11-Apr-13 15:46:47

YANBU I would hate it if my brother did this to me.

HappySeven Thu 11-Apr-13 14:55:42

She isn't being treated like a doormat, Ceresier. She admits they're not close, it's not as though she's been desperately staying in touch when he isn't. Being related doesn't make you close. I have three sisters and we all have different relationships with one another. I see one and speak to her a lot while I rarely talk to another. That one chose not to come to my child's baptism and I don't blame her.

shewhowines Thu 11-Apr-13 14:34:47

Waiting in the corridor isn't a compromise but going to the pub is.

CSIJanner Thu 11-Apr-13 13:08:22

I think people are taking too much note of the 8 year thing. OP actually said that her brothers hadn't come to visit her in 8years and that she had seen them at her parents anniversary last year. No mention of they had seen each other the year before which they may have done.

Personally, I would be v upset to not be invited to a siblings wedding. Even if I felt closer to one sibling than to another, I would still invite my sibling, even if it meant omitting the neices and nephews so that my direct relative could attend.

This has all been a bit messy and I agree, waiting outside in the corridor is not a compromise. I think the OP is right in wishing well, sending a nice gift and not going as its got to the stage now where feelings will be shown, especially with alcohol which will spoil the day.

CabbageLeaves Thu 11-Apr-13 12:59:06

I think you have forgotten the fact that your brothers day is probably ruined by this fight. It's all about you and yet you admit you don't see him normally.

If it were my brother I'd want him to have his day as he wished It is their day after all

Whilst you feel hurt, you've reacted in a way to punish and upset someone on their wedding day. Not loving kind or sisterly.

arabesque Thu 11-Apr-13 12:53:55

YANBU. I would be incredibly hurt if my brother did this to me. I know you're not close but there's been no falling out or bad blood between you so surely you should have been right up there with parents and siblings at the very top of the guest list.
Your brother has behaved very badly over this and upset not just you but your parents as well. He needs to grow up and cop himself on.

Snazzynewyear Thu 11-Apr-13 12:52:01

Cerisier I also wonder how it can possibly be so small! And, as I said in an earlier post, I can't understand why anyone would book such a small venue, even if they wanted a small wedding - you would surely end up elbow to elbow. It must either be incredibly cheap or be the most stunning small room venue in the world. Not that any of this helps the OP now, but still..

ComposHat Thu 11-Apr-13 12:48:31

I would be massively insulted if my brother did this.

But then I guess you've seen your brother more than once in the past eight years (and then only briefly) I have seen more of my Dentist than the OP in the past decade than the OP has seen of her brother.

If I had such a distant relationship with a sibling I wouldn't be upset and shocked to discover I wasn't the centre of their Universe when it comes to wedding invitations.

Cerisier Thu 11-Apr-13 12:40:09

Happy shouldn't the OP have a bit of pride and refuse to be treated like a doormat? I would be massively insulted if my brother did this. I would not be smiling sweetly and turning the other cheek.

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 11-Apr-13 12:33:29

Yanbu I certainly wouldn't be going especially after the threat sod them- its a shame that it will cause upset but their behaviour started this not yours

HappySeven Thu 11-Apr-13 12:30:10

Please read what WorkingItOut says. She speaks a lot of sense.

Cerisier Thu 11-Apr-13 12:20:41

It isn't a compromise though is it? The OP is being offered a place in a corridor or outside. This is despite her explaining how hurt she felt and how she wanted to be there.

OP I think you are making the right decision. Your (D)B has shown that he doesn't want your company at the ceremony more than that of his nieces and nephews. Fair enough, you know where you stand (outside sad). Looking on the bright side it will save you a fortune in costs.

(I do wonder where this small venue is. Even my sitting room could cope with more than 20 people)

cjel Thu 11-Apr-13 11:42:44

Just had a thought that if you do go I expect someone may find room for you to be in the room anway.

shewhowines Thu 11-Apr-13 11:15:45

I wouldn't stand outside though but it might be ok to meet them at the pub

shewhowines Thu 11-Apr-13 11:14:54

Why couldn't he have invited you to the pub even if there is not enough room at the ceremony. He should have done that originally.

YANBU to be upset but whats done is done.

By refusing the compromise though, you are basically waving goodbye to any future relationship with him. Are you ok with that? If not, then put it behind you and go with good grace. Another thing to consider - will it affect your relationship with the rest of the family? It might just be best to go and be done with it.

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