B listed for brothers wedding

(115 Posts)
jengeorge Wed 10-Apr-13 17:27:57

Hi, I am new to this and just wanted some advice please and views as Ive had 4 weeks of grief about my brothers wedding in the summer. Really unclear as what to do about it as it stands.

Some background. I have 2 bothers, we are not particually close and live 300 miles away. Neither brother has visited me in the last 8 years , and I have only seen them briefly at my mum and dads home. I do think there was ever a big falling out, we have all just lead very different lives and lived seperatly. I have been married 20 years, both brothers attended my wedding and I attended my first brothers wedding 21 years ago. Last time we are all together was for a golden wedding celebration 1 year ago.

Christmas time brother number 2 anounces he is marrying his GF of 18 years. March my mum tells me she has her invite. Three weeks later there no invite has appeared for me. After long phone calls it transpires my brother sent the email invite to a very old email address of mine( despite having used my current email for sending of photos in the last year). I then receive a email invite to the wedding reception at 3pm in a village hall. The wedding venue it seems only holds 20 people and me and my husband have not been invited to this. However my other brother and his wife and 3 children have all been invited to the wedding ceremony, for a pub lunch afterwards , as well as my godmother and my parents, and then on to the evening do.

I was really hurt by this and after much upset and tears , and my DH being mortified at being b listed decided we would have to decline the evening invite. There were many phone calls to brother and mum and dad to try and resolve this. Brother even at one point stated he was not accepting our not going as there would be " consequences" . . He has explained that the venue was picked in haste and they did not know it would be such a big deal for people wanting to be at the actual wedding. They feel that the evening reception is the highlight of the day and the wedding bit is just a formality.

I do know that my invite was different to my other family members as I have had my mum read out hers over the phone. She too has been very upset my this and my dad has even offered to give up his seat so I can go....obviously not going to happen. My brother will not admit that there was an a list and B list of invitees. He says he didnt think we would be going to come so thats why we were offered the evening invite only. He has since said that if it means that much to us ( which it does) being able to attend the wedding, he will somehow wangle it so we can be there. He does seem very concerned now as to what to tell people if his sister is not there.

On my last converstaion with my brother I asked then if he could send me and my husband a new invitiation and then we could put a line under the whole mess and start again. The converstaion ended with him laughing at me.

Oh Dear. What a mess. I do want to be at my brother wedding. I have asked if this anything do do with my SIL but appearenty not and she also has problems with having divorced parents who dont speak to other and are both invited and say they will not go if either of the others is there.

Am I being unreasonable in asking for a new invitiation ?

Seems we have created world war 3. I just dont know how 2 people in their 50s, both professionals with a reasonable amount of intellect having a low key informal wedding can have messed up and upset so many people. I say this as it appears some of my brothers friends and other realives invited to the evening only are upset. I have only heard this from my brother and have not discussed this with anyone other than my mum and brother involved, out of courtesy to my brother and SIL.

Mrneedy Wed 10-Apr-13 18:08:00

I bet your brother and SIL are just wishing they had run off and got married in secret
I feel really sorry for them

FairPhyllis Wed 10-Apr-13 18:08:54

YANBU. They should either have anticipated the hurt that would be caused by this and had a larger venue for the ceremony so you could come, or got married with no guests/only parents in attendance and then invited everyone to the party.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want it to be confirmed that you are going to the ceremony - him promising to "wangle" it sounds very much like there's a chance you could get up there and find you can't get in to the ceremony after all.

poozlepants Wed 10-Apr-13 18:15:26

YABU. He is having a small number at the ceremony and you are not close to him. He's invited you to what he regards as the best bit. You have chosen to make a scene and now everyone has fallen out. Lovely.

diddl Wed 10-Apr-13 18:15:46

I think that YABU to want a new invitation-unless you think you'll need it to get into the venue.

TBH, if my sibling didn't care enough to invite me to the ceremony, I wouldn't care enough to go.

I certainly wouldn't be going due to "consequences" & "wangling"!

badguider Wed 10-Apr-13 18:15:57

He should not have treated his two siblings differently, that was unreasonable.

But he's offered you a place now at the ceremony (probably at great awkwardness) so I think it's pretty churlish to not accept.

KobayashiMaru Wed 10-Apr-13 18:16:10

It's totally reasonable to have a small ceremony with people you are close to, and then a reception for everyone. I can't believe you would make so much fuss and make their wedding all about you! It's not like you make any effort to spend time with them at all, why do you think you should be top of the list for a wedding invite?

CwtchesAndCuddles Wed 10-Apr-13 18:16:26

I think you are being very unreasonable and have blown this up into a massive issue.

You hardly see each other and you're not close and numbers are very tight. You've had a strop, your brother has appologised and bent over backwards to accomodate you and then you go and ask for a new invite - totally over the top! No wonder he laughed...........

LeeCoakley Wed 10-Apr-13 18:17:40

He's realised you are upset, has promised to put it right but you still need an email to comfirm this? Leave him alone, it sounds like they have enough real problems to sort out!

BlueberryHill Wed 10-Apr-13 18:19:41

Agree with Mrneedy, I was in that position too, started looking at weddings as far away as possible to stop the hassle that I was getting.

If your DB is having trouble with his STB FIL and MIL he may have had enough and his response is a one off, only you can know. If it is, cut him some slack and graciously accept.

If he is normally so rude, and you wish to go, still graciously accept and go, don't make it more a family drama, go and celebrate and enjoy the day. In the end it doesn't matter.

LadybirdsEverywhere Wed 10-Apr-13 18:27:41

No, YANBU. He is your brother. He has been horrid to exclude you when the rest of his close family are invited.

He has put your parents in a very awkward position too.

Don't go to just the evening do. It will be embarrassing for you to have to explain that you are not as important to your brother as your other close family.

IntheFrame Wed 10-Apr-13 18:28:13

YANBU to be upset because I think family should be invited to the ceremony.

However they have already been together for longer than lots marriages so it's hardly the most necessary bit to attend. I would go but accept that it's probably more about the celebration afterwards in their eyes.

TidyDancer Wed 10-Apr-13 18:29:29

I think you are being ridiculous by asking for another invitation, but yanbu to feel snubbed. I'm not sure what I would do in your shoes. I would probably not go at all if I'm honest.

slipshodsibyl Wed 10-Apr-13 18:32:03

He is your brother. He will always be your brother. He didn't think you would be so upset. Something similar happened to us, but it wasn't intended to hurt or exclude. In the end it is about convention and etiquette, not affection and I would not spoil the day fothem and everyone else by being difficult. You can say you were hurt but still smile because you love your rother and accept their apologies and help make the day nice for all. People will admire you far more.

I hope you can enjoy this as a family and though you might not forget, then forgive their thoughtlessness.

PickledInAPearTree Wed 10-Apr-13 18:37:31

He's made it so you can go, I can see why you were annoyed but I think asking for a new invitation is over egging it.

If he has verbally asked you why do you need one?

Bobyan Wed 10-Apr-13 18:40:43

You sound like you deserve each other.

eggsandwich Wed 10-Apr-13 18:58:48

I don't feel yabu, you are after all immediate family, regardless of how much contact you have with your sibling. We had a similar situation with my db over his ds christening where even distant relatives had been invited and gone, and the first we knew about a christening was a christmas card from an aunt who said she and my cousin had a lovely time there. We had may I add been to his other childrens christenings. His excuse was he didn't think we would go, hense we are no longer on speaking terms.

Doha Wed 10-Apr-13 19:33:10

YANBU but l still wouldn't go to the wedding. I would be furious about being threatened with "consequences" of not attending. I also would not want to attend knowing that l was originally on the B list and only got a full invite when l threatened not to go.

mumofweeboys Wed 10-Apr-13 19:58:19

I wouldnt expect anyone to travel 300 miles just to attend an evening reception. If you are inviting guests that have to travel that far, its only good manners to invite them to the whole day.

Minibird Wed 10-Apr-13 20:03:02

YABU in asking for yet another thing after he has shown concern and changed the arrangements for his wedding to suit you.

Its lovely that it means so much to you but the ceremony is not about you, it is about your brother and his fiance. You should call him and apologise and mend what bridges you can before the wedding so that they can enjoy their special day without any ill feeling hovering over their ceremony.

Minibird Wed 10-Apr-13 20:13:30

Reading all this makes me glad we didnt invite ANY of our family to our wedding! We plan to renew our vows with family and friends present next year for our 10 year anniversary, but dealing with family politics gives me the dreads...

racingheart Wed 10-Apr-13 20:14:50

YANBU to be hurt. If the rest of your immediate family was invited and you were added to the evening do as an afterthought, despite never having fallen out with your brother, then you have every right to feel hurt.

But I bet he just wasn't thinking, and that no malice was intended. You say he was laughing at you but he's probably unbelievably stressed by how quickly the wedding has become a huge exercise in social strategic manoeuvres.

You be the big one. Recognise he's done his best to put it right and have you there, that he means well, and make sure you don't add any more stress to the day. Just say thanks, accept the invite and on the day give him a hug and make a joke of him being important to you even though you probably won't speak again for another eight years. So long as they are not actively malign, family, however far flung, are important, and it's better to stay on the right side of them most of the time.

medievaljacqui Wed 10-Apr-13 20:18:54

Do your two brothers see each other more often?

Coconutty Wed 10-Apr-13 20:22:39

YABU - totally.

It sounds to me like your biggest problem with this is what people will say/think. You said 'DH was mortified at being b listed'.

But you said clearly that you are not close, barely see each other for years and have never visited each other. Do you really think that you should be invited just because you are his sister?

Maybe he is closer to your brother. I would be mortified to demand an invite and tbh think you have probably caused untold grief just to save face.

Twentytotwo Wed 10-Apr-13 20:23:15

I think you are coming across as very needy and rather immature.

Thy can have 18 guests, so 9 each. Your brother has invited the sibling he sees the most and their partner and DC (5 people) your parents (two) and your godmother who is either family or accepted as such and will presumably bring a partner. That's 9 people.

You say you've only seen your brothers briefly at your parents house in the past 8 years. You're not close. You're also not the only people who won't be at the ceremony if the numbers are so tight.

The whole having your mother read out her invitation and insisting you receive a new one is bizarre. I'm not surprised he laughed.

Twentytotwo Wed 10-Apr-13 20:24:06

'It sounds to me like your biggest problem with this is what people will say/think. You said 'DH was mortified at being b listed'.'

Exactly this ^

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