B listed for brothers wedding

(115 Posts)
jengeorge Wed 10-Apr-13 17:27:57

Hi, I am new to this and just wanted some advice please and views as Ive had 4 weeks of grief about my brothers wedding in the summer. Really unclear as what to do about it as it stands.

Some background. I have 2 bothers, we are not particually close and live 300 miles away. Neither brother has visited me in the last 8 years , and I have only seen them briefly at my mum and dads home. I do think there was ever a big falling out, we have all just lead very different lives and lived seperatly. I have been married 20 years, both brothers attended my wedding and I attended my first brothers wedding 21 years ago. Last time we are all together was for a golden wedding celebration 1 year ago.

Christmas time brother number 2 anounces he is marrying his GF of 18 years. March my mum tells me she has her invite. Three weeks later there no invite has appeared for me. After long phone calls it transpires my brother sent the email invite to a very old email address of mine( despite having used my current email for sending of photos in the last year). I then receive a email invite to the wedding reception at 3pm in a village hall. The wedding venue it seems only holds 20 people and me and my husband have not been invited to this. However my other brother and his wife and 3 children have all been invited to the wedding ceremony, for a pub lunch afterwards , as well as my godmother and my parents, and then on to the evening do.

I was really hurt by this and after much upset and tears , and my DH being mortified at being b listed decided we would have to decline the evening invite. There were many phone calls to brother and mum and dad to try and resolve this. Brother even at one point stated he was not accepting our not going as there would be " consequences" . . He has explained that the venue was picked in haste and they did not know it would be such a big deal for people wanting to be at the actual wedding. They feel that the evening reception is the highlight of the day and the wedding bit is just a formality.

I do know that my invite was different to my other family members as I have had my mum read out hers over the phone. She too has been very upset my this and my dad has even offered to give up his seat so I can go....obviously not going to happen. My brother will not admit that there was an a list and B list of invitees. He says he didnt think we would be going to come so thats why we were offered the evening invite only. He has since said that if it means that much to us ( which it does) being able to attend the wedding, he will somehow wangle it so we can be there. He does seem very concerned now as to what to tell people if his sister is not there.

On my last converstaion with my brother I asked then if he could send me and my husband a new invitiation and then we could put a line under the whole mess and start again. The converstaion ended with him laughing at me.

Oh Dear. What a mess. I do want to be at my brother wedding. I have asked if this anything do do with my SIL but appearenty not and she also has problems with having divorced parents who dont speak to other and are both invited and say they will not go if either of the others is there.

Am I being unreasonable in asking for a new invitiation ?

Seems we have created world war 3. I just dont know how 2 people in their 50s, both professionals with a reasonable amount of intellect having a low key informal wedding can have messed up and upset so many people. I say this as it appears some of my brothers friends and other realives invited to the evening only are upset. I have only heard this from my brother and have not discussed this with anyone other than my mum and brother involved, out of courtesy to my brother and SIL.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 10-Apr-13 17:32:46

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable.

You've said yourself that you don't see him often, and make no attempt to visit each other. If he can only have 20 people at the actual wedding, it seems natural that family that you aren't overly close too wouldn't be there.

He's said that he didn't think you'd mind, and he's offered to try and get you a seat (which will mean telling someone else that they can't go) and that's still not enough.

If he's invited other friends and relatives to the evening only, you weren't singled out.

I really think you've made a massive deal of this, and you need to drop it and be happy to attend the evening. It must feel like a nightmare for the bride and groom.

pigletmania Wed 10-Apr-13 17:38:21

Yanbu at all, you are his sister and should be with your oter family members lie your mum, dad, oter brother and godparents. You are not a friend or a cousin, you have every right to feel use tank snub the invite

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Wed 10-Apr-13 17:38:28

If you're not close then I don't see why you need to go. You've been invited to an evening/afternoon party so it's not as though you've been left out.

Asking for a new improved invite is a bit guestzillaish.

pigletmania Wed 10-Apr-13 17:39:58

Meant you have every righ to feel hurt and snub the invite. Even my brother who I have not seen fr years due to dstance has invited me to his whole wedding

ElaineVintage Wed 10-Apr-13 17:40:59

You are not being unreasonable. Not sure what the above poster is on about. You are family, not just anybody so should be present at the whole day.

KurriKurri Wed 10-Apr-13 17:41:44

I think the thing is there are limited places at the ceremony and lunch. That means they have to choose and leave some people out. You haven't seen him for 8 years - maybe 20 other people have been very close to him and his wife to be in those eight years - should they be the ones to be left out?

Family relationships are not based simply on blood giving you rights to first dibs on everything. They are about building and maintaining closeness and affection.
If he wasn't important enough for you to stay in touch in the last eight years, can you blame him for thinking you wouldn't be that bothered about coming to the whole day's events?

Plus - he is right, the ceremony is boring - the party starts at the evening do.

Going to the evening do with good grace and wishing the couple all the best, could be the start of you rebuilding the closeness that has fallen by the wayside.

shellbu Wed 10-Apr-13 17:43:29

yanbu immediate family should be invited to the ceremony and the afternoon/eve celebrations , if you have never had a big fall out and your other brother is invited i would feel very insulted if i was you .

ElaineVintage Wed 10-Apr-13 17:45:05

MrsRajeshKoothrappali

Guestillazish? She is his sister! It's only right he send a new invite.

ChasedByBees Wed 10-Apr-13 17:45:42

I think it's outrageous that he's threatening you with consequences! YANBU.

YABU, why should someone who sees the bride and groom regularly and is close to them be sidelined for someone who has seen them once in 8 years and isn't close to them at all?

LittleEdie Wed 10-Apr-13 17:47:42

I think you should be able to invite who you want to your wedding and other people who you're not even close to taking the hump is not on. YABU.

ElaineVintage Wed 10-Apr-13 17:48:37

Er, she saw him a year ago, not 8 years ago as another poster said. Not the same as last week but there's a big difference between the two! Surely doing this creates a bigger 'wedge'?

Cherriesarelovely Wed 10-Apr-13 17:48:40

I do feel for you op but I also feel for your brother, sounds as if he is fielding lots of complaints which must be stressful. However, his inviting your other sibling and family but not you and yours was bound to cause upset. If he had left you both out that would be different, bearing in mind you have said you are not close.

lljkk Wed 10-Apr-13 17:49:09

Sorry, YABU.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 10-Apr-13 17:50:00

Also agree with the posters who say their very close friends who see then regularly should not necessarily miss out.

If I were the OP I would certainly not be making the effort of travelling that distance and spending on overnight accommodation just for an evening do. Surely he can see that?

TheFallenMadonna Wed 10-Apr-13 17:51:26

So he said that he would organise for you to attend, and you said you needed a formal invitation? That is a bit odd. But then my PIL got v stroppy with us because we didn't send them a formal invitation to our wedding. We sort of assumed they would be there...
People are odd about weddings.

Are your brothers closer to each other than they are to you?

expatinscotland Wed 10-Apr-13 17:52:27

If you don't want to, don't go. Consequences? Whatever. Just don't go and move on.

Mrneedy Wed 10-Apr-13 17:56:43

yabu
he has underestimated the interest in the ceremony, presumably because they have been together for 18 years, and see it as the "official bit"
he's realised you are upset, and now said you are invited.

And then you say you don't want to go, so, what, you don't want to celebrate any of it with them?

Bit confused actually, you say you were sent an email invite for 3pm, but then say you are just invited to the evening?

Asking for a new invite, really???

"I just dont know how 2 people in their 50s, both professionals with a reasonable amount of intellect having a low key informal wedding can have messed up and upset so many people" It's their wedding, they are doing it to get married, not make other people happy, bloody hell

ENormaSnob Wed 10-Apr-13 18:01:18

They are not unreasonable to invite who they want.

You are not unreasonable to decline the invitation.

He is a nob for threatening consequences hmm

digerd Wed 10-Apr-13 18:01:52

Your DB sounded threatening and menacing with his " there will
be consequences". Was he meaning you or did he mean with the others who may have to be left out as no room?

Also, I'm really disgusted at your SIL divorced parents, upsetting her like that. Neither will come to her wedding if the other is there!?
At their ripe old age, that is disgustingly selfish.

metimenowplease Wed 10-Apr-13 18:02:27

YANBU. It's the fact that your invitation is different from your sibling's and mum's that's hurtful. Starting again with a formal invitation won't help you feel better though!

Floggingmolly Wed 10-Apr-13 18:05:05

He threatened you with consequences, when you declined an evening invite to your own brother's wedding? shock. Tell him to fuck off.

SatsukiKusukabe Wed 10-Apr-13 18:07:37

your dh us being unreasonable to decide you won't attend your brothers wedding.

your brother is being very unreasonable saying there will be consequences.

yabu, for asking for a new invite.

I'd leave it, it'll be miserable

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