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to wonder when is pornography acceptable

(209 Posts)
tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 14:07:16

When is it acceptable? I hate the stuff and my OH know's how I feel. But today he went to the hospital to make sure that his vasectomy has worked and wanked off to glossies in a private room.
Obviously for medical purposes pornography is acceptable??

kinkyfuckery Wed 10-Apr-13 14:09:13

Considering that many people are anti-pornography because they fear women/men are being exploited for cash, I'd guess that'd still not be acceptable.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 14:11:57

Doesn't feel acceptable to me, I feel pretty hurt and upset to be honest.

EGnHJsmum Wed 10-Apr-13 14:16:28

putting aside the exploitation argument and just taking the question as when/if at all is acceptable a man or woman in a relationship to look at naked explicit sexual images or read explicit sexual literature? then the answer to my mind is if both parties consent then it is acceptable as part of a healthy sexual relationship, either viewed together or alone, it should not be a substitute for person on person but extra ;-)

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 14:20:27

Need a hand holding, am in bits trying to look after the babies whilst typing this.

Mimstar Wed 10-Apr-13 14:30:19

I might be being a bit naive as porn generally doesn't bother me, but I think in that situation I wouldn't be upset as I think men 'need' visual stimulation to do it? It would be very different if he was doing it at home against your wishes, but if it's the only way he could do it and it was for medical reasons I think I'd accept it.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 14:39:14

Mim-Porn never did bother me. But it does now, and he knows that. He also know that I have given birth twice in the past 19 months to his children and am not feeling great or very sexy about my body. So without drip feeding I think he's been a twat.

Mimstar Wed 10-Apr-13 14:42:07

sad I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling down, and I think I would feel the same in your shoes, as there have been times when I've not been feeling my best and it has bothered me. Could he have 'managed' without the magazines do you think? Can you tell him that you're just feeling a bit insecure and in need of reassurance, will he give you a cuddle and tell you how beautiful you are etc? smile

Not, not acceptable at all IMO. He knows it bothers you and he knows how you feel, so I think he was out of line too TBH.

Men don't 'need' visual stimulation to do it. Really they don't. I have slept with all of five men in my woefully lacking life and not one of them 'needed' visual stimulation. Perhaps they were the oddest five men in the world, but I doubt it.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 14:45:41

Mim - Thanks, he know how I feel about myself. Im in the process of folding the clothes in the kitchen and his are going into a black bag. This feels really it for me.

Binkybix Wed 10-Apr-13 14:46:43

In theory it doesn't bother me (but then you have separate exploitation issues obvs), but I can see how it would if I was feeling particularly low about myself.

In your case your DH knew it would bother you, so that's a different issue.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 14:50:46

So where do I go from here? As it stands I've had a couple of texts saying sorry but not really taking responsibility for what he's done. He's at work at the moment he doesn't finish until 11 and I will be too exhausted to deal with him.

niceguy2 Wed 10-Apr-13 14:51:51

I really don't think this is a dumping offence. Men of course don't 'need' visual stimulation. It just helps!

If he's sat in a hospital room with Dr's & nurses's waiting for him to pony up a sample, he's hardly going to feel like getting a hard on and bashing the bishop is he? In fact I can only imagine it'd be quite offputting to think that someone is outside waiting for you.

In that context I really don't think using a mag to distract himself momentarily so he can do what he needs to do is something worth dumping him over.

No doubt I'll be set upon by the feminists who will see my reply as me being a typical man defending my right to wank off to porn and exploit women. Whereas in reality I'm the one avoiding having to watch porn at home because my OH wants me to and I don't.

harleyd Wed 10-Apr-13 14:53:01

i think you are completely over-reacting

Nancy66 Wed 10-Apr-13 14:53:08

Was he expecting to be put into a room and masturbate?

Maybe it came as a surprise and he felt he had to do as he was asked.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Wed 10-Apr-13 14:53:58

I think your reaction is a bit OTT to be honest. How is he supposed to take ownership of the situation? Presumably, he wanted to get out of there ASAP and that made it easier for him. I can't imagine feeling very sexy in a hospital environment when everyone knows what you are doing in that room! Can't blame him for needing help really.

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 14:55:21

Harleyd-really? Why am I over-reacting?
Nancy, no it said on the letter that he would be supplied with glossies. I objected when the letter came.

howshouldibehave Wed 10-Apr-13 14:55:38

My goodness, it's OTT reactions like yours that will make your husband be selective with the things he tells you in future.

I do find the 'poor man, so hard to be expected to wank' thing odd. hmm

But did he discuss this with you before? Is it that he thinks it's ok and you disagree (ie., you've got a difference of opinion, it's really important to both of you so you can't reconcile it), or is it that you're shocked and don't understand why he did this?

If it's the first I think you need to tell him that the issue (rather than this specific incident) is too big a difference of opinon for you.

If it's the second, you need to work out what he was thinking, and if he can justify it in a way that makes you feel better (not saying you should feel you have to accept a justification, just that people are different and some people would).

MrsSippy Wed 10-Apr-13 14:58:53

Good lord, calm down and think about this reasonably, I think you'll see that you are massively over-reacting.

I think it is something that is very personal to the individual situation IYSWIM.
For some people, it wouldn't necessarily be a big deal.
But if you knew these magazines were on offer and made it very clear that you were unhappy with it, then I can see why you are upset.

No one can tell you that you are over reacting because everyone's reaction to porn is different, I think.

But if I had told my DH that something made me unhappy and uncomfortable and he still did it, I would feel very disrespected.

Nancy66 Wed 10-Apr-13 14:59:44

What would you have liked him to have done OP? Produce the sample without the need for the magazines?

tootiesfrootsie Wed 10-Apr-13 15:00:04

howshouldibehave - That's helpful, thanks.

DisorganisednotDysfunctional Wed 10-Apr-13 15:01:03

YABU, a bit. If he needed to produce a sperm sample with the least possible delay then a wank mag's probably the easiest way. What would he have done without the porn? Used his imagination, I guess. And would whatever he imagined be any more insecure making to you? I would guess not. Unless you think that his jerk-off fantasies would be of your stretchmarks.

Dunno about you, but my sexual thoughts aren't all that wholesome. What's inside his head isn't going to be any "nicer" than what's on the page. Big thing to remember is that it's you he loves.

I never really understand the big anxiety that if your partner looks at porn he's going to be critical about your appearance. Porn is just porn. It's not real. IME, adult men in relationships are highly unlikely to compare their rl DP to the anonymous women in porn. Mind you, I said "adult".

OK, you do get very nasty, violent porn, but I don't think that's what your OH was using. That's a different issue.

I see mainstream porn for men as often performing the same role as romance does for women. Millions of women read slushy fantasies involving other men. Do they compare their own husbands to the wealthy gorgeous heroes in romances? No, the books are just escapist fun. Do their husbands get insecure? Not if they've got any sense.

bobbywash Wed 10-Apr-13 15:02:38

Very OTT reaction

So he's honest enough to tell you afterwards that he had to use a magazine (which you used to find acceptable, if I read the OP properly) so that they could check that he is now no longer fertile, in a sanatised hospital, and your thinking that's it.

Hmm maybe if he had lied either by omission or comission, you'd find that acceptable?

I think I'd rather a partner was honest enough to give me the truth even if they thought it might hurt a bit would be more important.

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