About colleague asking for lifts home?(146 Posts)
Hello! I'm a bit of a lurker - first aibu - anyway:
I'm not sure what to do about a situation I seem to have landed myself in - I was giving one colleague a lift home a few weeks ago, (she is not the issue here - I don't mind at all with her as she is the least assuming person I have ever met and never asks - also I have worked with her a long time and we get on well), when we bumped into someone who used to work in our dept a while ago and now works on a different section. He asked where we were going and asked if he could have a lift too as it was on his way. Ok I thought as I wouldn't be going out of my way and was giving a lift to someone else anyway.
I then mentioned this the next day to another colleague who said "Oh don't fall into that trap!" and regaled me with stories about how she had given this person a lift and he had asked her to stop while he popped into the Co-op and made her wait while he did his weekly shop and also how someone else who doesn't live anywhere near him dropped him off and he gave the driver completely wrong directions home and sent him hours out of his way.
Now the lift asking colleague has started to send group e-mails to our dept in the evening asking if anyone is going his way home. I know these are directed at me - half the people on our section don't know him and I'm the only person who goes that route home. I now feel obliged to say yes as he knows I'm at work and drive his route. Then last night he e-mailed me directly.
He has never offered petrol money but that's not what I'm bothered about as I don't go out of my way. It's more that I feel my personal space is being invaded. What with working full time and two kids sometimes that 20 minute drive to work and back is the only me time I get! Also last time he got in he reeked of aftershave/deodorant - I had to drive home with the windows open and explain what was going to DH in case wondered why I was driving random men about.
I wouldn't mind so much if it was someone I knew really well but it does feel awkward having to make conversation. His girlfriend used to drive him home but they have recently split up so I do feel a bit sorry for him. There are buses and know these take longer but that's not my fault is it?
So am I being reasonable about not wanting to share my own bubble on my way home or am I just being a big old meanie as I don't have to go out of my way and all he's really doing is sitting in the passenger seat for 15 minutes?
Yanbu. Ignore the emails and if he asks you for a lift tell him you're not going straight home.
Do you leave work at the same time?
yanbu and sound like a really nice person, there's really no need to even have to justify why you don't want to give this person a life. He sounds really annoying. Ignore the emails and if he asks for a lift say something vague like i'm going somewhere else tonight and just walk off. Can't stand people who take advantage !
You don't have to give him a lift at all. Just ignore the hints or tell him you can't. If you need an excuse if it feels too rude to say 'I just don't want to' then tell him you've joined a gym or something.
I get the train to and from work and love it when I get to travel by myself - its my only personal time so I know how you feel.
Yanbu. Don't make this a habit and learn to ignore or say no! I was once coerced into one of these lift arrangements and I started to feel very resentful and also hated the loss of personal space.
His transport issues are not your concern.
If he was a friend or a colleague you liked that would be one thing. But you find his company annoying and awkward.
Others have said he is a nuisance so I would knock it on the head.
Ignore any group emails. If he contacts you directly just say 'I can't give you a lift this evening. sorry'....don't offer any explanation as you'll end up tying yourself in knots.
Once you've refused a few times he should stop asking.
YANBU, I get why you dont want to
And rather than feel Awkward I personally would "have to rush and collect the kids" or "be going to the gym" although you shouldnt have to lie, it would be easier!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Just ignore his emails or if he asks you directly just say you're not going straight home.
You are not obliged to sort out this man's transport home.
You are allowed your personal space too, I would hate this as I know how you feel, sometimes you just need to be on your own between work and home life.
if you want to organise a car share with him paying but if you want your own company that is your prerogative.
my neighbour and I work at same place, I catch bus while she lords it in her car, but I don't
really begrudge her, I would feel the same, I like my own company when I drive and don't want to be reliant on someone else.
I would do what SkinnybitchWannabe says, and do it today. Or say that you were happy to give him a lift a couple of times but you don't want it to turn into a regular thing. The longer you keep giving him lifts the harder it will be to stop.
Don't bother with an explanation just say (when asked) "i'm terribly sorry it is not convienent". Then don't be drawn into any further discussion.
As a non driver, i would often be grateful of lifts but i would NEVER ask and sometimes would prefer to either walk home or catch the bus. I have accepted lifts usually only i have been chatting to the person and wanted to carry on the conversation. Sometimes I liked the me-time too and taking a lift always makes me feel uncomfortable. The odd lift if its pissing down with rain, thankyou very much, that kind but if it becomes a regular thing then the other person feels obliged, might actually want to pop into the co-op themselves or leave earlier/later than usual and it becomes awkward. so YADNBU
I would ignore the emails and say no to any direct request.
And if asked why, I would reply "because I don't want to"
Because that's the top and bottom of it - you don't want to. And that's ok. You're allowed to not want to.
Those 20 minutes all to yourself are important! It's not unreasonable to not want to lose them.
Learn to say No. Just say No, I can't.
sounds like one of those people who takes a mile if you give them
an inch. ignore the emails and if he asks you face to face just say you can't. you don't have to explain yourself; the awkwardness is on him not you.
LifeSaved is right - don't offer an excuse because you will eventually run out. And if he is as everyone says he is then he will take what you say and turn it to his advantage.
you: sorry I can't, I have to go shopping.
him: that's not a problem, I need to pick some things up myself
He sent group emails out asking if anyone could give him a lift home.
He sounds a bit of a arse, ignore the emails and politely decline if he asks you directly with 'I'm sorry but it's not an arrangement I'm comfortable with, I'm sorry I can't help, bye' then leave.
Yanbu but is there a middle ground? Why not suggest a regular arrangement one evening a week (say, mondays) and make it clear that you can't help him the rest of the time? That way, you are helping him out once a week (so assuaging your guilt) but have your bubble the rest of the time (which he can't complain about as you are already helping him).
I have been on the other side of this - no car and a long way to travel for work. Someone giving me a lift made a huge difference, not that I ever would have assumed they were going to do so, nor would I have ever asked. And I would do little things for them in return - make a cake every so often, a nice bottle of wine on their birthday - but then they were friends and not unknowns.
Thankyou OP for this opportunity:
"No, is a complete sentence"
I don't mind when its raining and I can drop people at the train station, which is 2 mins out of my way, but I refuse to get caught in that trap again of acting like an unpaid taxi service.
When the person I have in mind resigned I was asked to put in her collection. I declined on the grounds that all the ferrying about with requests after she got in the car - can you take me the super market, corner shop, cashpoint, dentist, doctor, second job - probably cost the thick end of a grand in petrol.
Plenty of other people in the country manage fine getting buses or cycling to work, he is presumably no different.
At the very least ask for petrol money, which by the sounds of it would scare him off.
Most definitely not being in the slightest bit unreasonable.
I wouldn't say about joining a gym or anything like that. Just say "Sorry, it just doesn't suit me" and leave it at that.
If he is as brazen about sending emails to the team and then to you directly, you could play him at that game and send out a bus time table to the team (in a generic sort of "To whoever was looking for a lift - here is the bus time table, in case it helps" type of way). If the emails keep coming, send around the number of a local taxi company instead
Ooh blimey didn't realise I'd get so many replies so quickly - only went upstairs to dry my hair.
Yes I know what you're all saying about it's not my responsibility and it's my personal space and this is how I feel. I just get this nagging sense sense of obligation and also dread when those e-mails pop up. Tbh the people who I've discussed it with on my team have said much the same as all of you.
The main issue is the lift home is usually at 9pm so there are limited excuses about where I would be going at this time of night. I have said in the past that I needed to pick up DS from PILs and also once replied 'strategically' late to an e-mail by which time he had got the bus.
Just need to be a bit harsher and deal with the awkwardness I suppose. It does look like I'm currently at front of the line of people he has tried this on with. He will probably move on to someone else if he has no luck with him.
Thanks for reassuring me everyone!
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