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to expect my 10yr old to be in bed by midnight on a sleepover?

(191 Posts)
Dotty342kids Tue 09-Apr-13 18:17:42

So, last night my (only just) 10yr old son went to a friend's for a sleepover. Mum is sort of a friend of mine - I like her a lot but her parenting style.... well it's not the same as mine, let's put it that way!
Anyway, she FB'd me last night, just before 10 to say that boys had been watching footie with her. I wasn't thrilled as my DS is normally asleep by 8.30 as he can't cope with being tired at all, but I figured that football must be nearly over so they'd be going to bed shortly, and it is a sleepover after all!
Drop his trainers off there so he can play footie with friend this morning to be told by mum that she had been tired so had left them in lounge (where they were sleeping) for the end of footie and her son had told her they were going to watch Casino Royale next!!! And she thought she'd heard voices at about 1am. 1 fricking am!!!
I looked mildly aghast at her and smilingly said how shattered he'd be later today which might be an issue as he has swimming training tonight but she didn't seem even slightly bothered by this.
When I collected him at 4.00 as agreed he looked tired, unsurprisingly, and since getting home has managed to eat tea and has now retired to the sofa under a blanket - unheard of for him so he must be exhausted.
I've just messaged her to let her know this so that she's aware of the impact but I'm just so cross.
Don't know what to do in future as they're quite good mates and are bound to want to stay at each other's houses again. I'm cross that not only were they up till gone midnight, but that it was also unsupervised - they could have got up to anything downstairs whilst she was asleep! Apparently her DS suggested to mine, AFTER watching the film so it must have been gone midnight by this time, that they play FIFA on the playstation but, thank goodness, my DS said no to this.

So, AIBU to be cross about this and how on earth do I nicely get her to not allow this to happen next time there's a sleepover?

Fancydrawers Sat 20-Apr-13 12:31:46

Christ, lighten up.

ladymariner Sat 20-Apr-13 12:23:36

Well I think YABU, especially with the message you sent afterwards...that was rude.

I've hosted loads of sleepovers and ds has been to loads, and amazingly enough he's 17 now and hasn't turned into a drug-addled raging alcoholic because of them.....what a load of bollocks. What happens at ours is that I feed them and then they drag the x box down and commandeer the living room till stupid o clock. They have their sleeping bags and pillows down there with them and they fall asleep, some before others.

It's actually easier as they get older tbh, when they were 10/11 they were all into wrestling and the room was used as a giant wrestling ring, I'd open the door to see a mass of small sweaty bodies, all red faced and screeching. The older they get the cooler they get and now they just watch films, play games, and (god forbid, send in social services....) have a beer or two.

Dancergirl Sat 20-Apr-13 09:20:03

Wow, this has been an eye opener.

Sorry to disagree with the majority but I am with the OP on this one.

I've hosted a few sleepovers and dd has been to a few. There's NO WAY they would be awake till the small hours and it's unnecessary IMO. Dd likes her sleep and wouldn't want to be up that late anyway. They still had fun. She loved having a friend to sleep in her room, they had a nice tea together, played games, got into PJs, watched endless Harry Potter films with suitable junk food, went up at 10ish, chatted a bit and went to sleep. Similar set up when she slept over at friends house.

FGS, you can still have fun without staying up all night!

exoticfruits Fri 12-Apr-13 18:56:09

You have to see it in a child like way. I was doing something with DCs in the week when they were on a school trip. The first thing one DD said to me was 'I was so excited I couldn't sleep last night'. It is highly unlikely they will go straight to sleep.

Datun Fri 12-Apr-13 18:53:48

I went through this with both my DS's. You spend a great deal of time getting them into a routine which works for them (and you) and it's all shot to bits when they have a sleepover. The first few times you think wtf? Why aren't they being looked after properly? But then you realise it's actually something of a rite of passage and, what we used to call 'staying the night', for convenience and a bit of fun, actually turns into a bit of an all-nighter with few rules. They all do it. It's fine. Just not too often.

Datun Fri 12-Apr-13 18:53:01

I went through this with both my DS's. You spend a great deal of time getting them into a routine which works for them (and you) and it's all shot to bits when they have a sleepover. The first few times you think wtf? Why aren't they being looked after properly? But then you realise it's actually something of a rite of passage and, what we used to call 'staying the night', for convenience and a bit of fun, actually turns into a bit of an all-nighter with few rules. They all do it. It's fine. Just not too often.

Coconutty Costa Rica Fri 12-Apr-13 18:49:13

Well, DS is back from last nights sleepover. Absolutely knackered and lying on the sofa with a throw over him.

He had a ball, other mum said that she last heard from them at 1.30am but she has no idea what time they actually crashed out.

lljkk Netherlands Fri 12-Apr-13 18:39:44

We have also hosted about three times as many as invited to. DD has school on Monday. I simply can't have her miss an entire night's sleep on Saturday, which would doubtless keep some of rest of awake too, to boot.

valiumredhead Fri 12-Apr-13 18:25:31

I'm with you OP, I hate the unsupervised/stay up all night sleepover business, drives me mad, I don't want my child up until 4.30am thank you very much <hoiks bosom>

Sleepovers her mean lights out and chatting quietly not an excuse to run riot and stay up all night. I don't care if other people want to do that but if that's the case my 10 year old won't be joining in. Late is fine, all night and into the early hours is not imo.

ds has load of sleepovers, we always have a spare kid around the house, we have one right now in fact, it'll be lights out at 10 -10.30 and quiet chatting after that. Can't be that bad either as we always seem to have a steady stream of kids wanting to stay over wink

shemademedoit Fri 12-Apr-13 18:17:02

My apologies. You are obviously the better parent. What about inviting mum and son to stay the night so you can show her how it's done?

Dotty342kids Thu 11-Apr-13 10:00:38

shemademedoit, I have done previously, they ate dinner, played on the Wii, went up to the bedroom with portable DVD players / snacks / treats etc and were asleep by 11...

shemademedoit Thu 11-Apr-13 09:08:36

I think you should invite her son over for the night and see what time you manage to get them in bed and asleep by before being so judgey....blush

Hulababy Thu 11-Apr-13 07:45:47

Dd's friend is having a sleepover in July for her 11th birthday. There's going to be 11 11yo girls there. It's also their last big party before secondary where more than half are going to different schools. It's also taking place the on the friday evening of the school's whole school mystery day trip so they will already be sky high with excitement from that.

I will not be planning anything else for that entire weekend!

exoticfruits Thu 11-Apr-13 07:00:04

I think that some people forget what it was like to be a child! It was impossible to just lie down and go to sleep- you are far too excited and the brain is in overdrive.

Happymum22 Wed 10-Apr-13 22:55:47

This is what happens at sleepovers, its annoying as you get a PITA tired child the next day.. but normal!

Try having a group of 11 year old girls at yours giggling away, playing trust or dare, eating sweets and watching films all night. Believe me it is next to impossible to get them asleep at a decent hour.
You have to learn to let go, their one night of fun is part of their childhood. Sounds like the poor mum was trying to keep your informed and trying to get a bit of mutual support/ have a little laugh about how ridiculously excited children are at sleepovers. The fb message seems like you are ungrateful for her having your son and blaming the inevitable tiredness after a sleepover on her...Yes your DS went to be early, but how was she to know you didn't want that if you hadnt told her before...

If you have strict bedtimes then let the mum know BEFORE and ask her too make they are settled down by a decent time as X has swimming the next day. Maybe picking him up at 4 was a bad plan, I used to say I'd collect in the morning so my DC had a bit of time to regain energy the next day.

If your DS' swimming club is anything like my DDs they will be pushed through the session, do their best and feel a bit frustrated they couldn't keep up for that session. But it woulnt be the end of the world- all the DC in the club have some sessions they are tired or feeling a bit unwell for.

cory Wed 10-Apr-13 22:06:40

Dotty342kids Wed 10-Apr-13 08:18:20
"I guess I just feel uncomfortable with children of that age using the kitchen, late at night, with no conscious adult around should they happen to injure themselves in some way (burn on a hot toaster or various other minor things really). "

If this was really a concern, why not simply tell your ds what he is allowed to do and not to do in the kitchen? Surely at 10, he is old enough to understand?

Personally, I was perfectly happy for my 10yo to make toast and tea in the afternoons when no adult was in the house at all. At 10, I reckoned the chances of him burning himself on the kettle were about equal to the chances of my burning myself, and there was nothing I could do to deal with a burn that I hadn't equally taught him to do.

In fact, at 11 ds was once the only other person on the scene when somebody considerably older injured themselves badly enough to need an ambulance. He did exactly what I would have done had I been there: kept the injured person warm and reassured and rang for that ambulance.

Pre-teens are not babies.

LadyMountbatten Wed 10-Apr-13 20:57:01

Yabu

halcyondays Wed 10-Apr-13 20:56:18

Yabu, it was a sleepover, what did you expect? They will be tired the next day but it's hardly the end of the world.

Coconutty Costa Rica Wed 10-Apr-13 19:52:54

DS is off to a sleepover tomorrow, I've made sure that Friday is kept free.

I do think if you have children who are very delicate, who are shaking with hysteria and exhaustion from a late night - then don't let them go to sleepovers would be my advice.

crashdoll Wed 10-Apr-13 19:40:34

"Especially on MN where a single slap on a toddler's bottom gets labeled common assault"

Yes because that is totally relevant. hmm Last time I checked sleepovers were fun and punishment was not. Plus, it's not great form to drag stuff from other threads especially where opinion was divided and label MN as something.

Plumsofgold Wed 10-Apr-13 19:01:07

My dd's are 5 and 7 and they love sleep but thy are always up till atleast 1am when they have their cousin to stay. They are up by 9am the next day and have loads of energy. I not see it as a problem as its only one day every few months

Yabu

DoctorAnge Wed 10-Apr-13 18:43:30

DD sleepovers end up carrying on until about 10.30 they are all 6 though. That's plenty of time for high jinks and fun IMO. They still need to rest.
She wouldn't even dream of being with a family set up where 4 am on a trampoline was acceptable so that will never arise.

Fairylea Wed 10-Apr-13 13:24:21

I'm really surprised that some people seem to expect children to actually sleep on a sleepover! ... I am of the variety that thinks it's all a bit of a party and I'd just expect dd to stay up all night chatting and sleep and crash out the next day. It wouldn't even occur to me to apologise for dc not sleeping when a mum came to pick them up - I'd expect they'd know that would happen!

For what it's worth I did regularly suggest (in a nice way) that dd and her friends should try to sleep on her non sleeping sleepover... but you can't make a group of 4 or whatever 9/10 year olds sleep. You just do your best to make sure they are safe etc and leave them to enjoy themselves.

NynaevesSister Wed 10-Apr-13 11:46:54

I will definitely assume that all Sleepover invites in future are actually WakeOvers and to say No unless DC can afford 2 days out of regular life afterwards.

Now you get it! That's what everyone else does. OK not the two days bit but whatever it is their child needs. Your child needs two days then a sleepover during holidays is best. My son is similar so we go for the same. But all kids are different. Yours gets physically sick. Most do not. I would talk to the other parent and let them know. Any sane person will understand. If your DD came on a sleepover here then I would do more to make sure they went to sleep earlier. I'd think it rude if you didn't let me know and I found out later that she had been physically sick!

NameThatTuna Wed 10-Apr-13 11:17:40

When I was a kid, I used to go to sleepovers at my best friends house. We used to have midnight feasts and sit a chatter until silly o'clock. It was fun and only happened occasionally. It was never a problem for my parents or her parents.

I recently had DD's (8) friend sleepover, they were too excited to be going to bed by a certain time. They were enjoying it. They only thing I objected to was being woken up by a fashion show at 1.30am hmm grin

I know her parents well, they've had DD to sleep at theirs, they do similar there and they don't have a problem with it.

I would say YANBU if it was a school night, but if not YABU and a bit precious!

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