to expect my 10yr old to be in bed by midnight on a sleepover?

(191 Posts)
Dotty342kids Tue 09-Apr-13 18:17:42

So, last night my (only just) 10yr old son went to a friend's for a sleepover. Mum is sort of a friend of mine - I like her a lot but her parenting style.... well it's not the same as mine, let's put it that way!
Anyway, she FB'd me last night, just before 10 to say that boys had been watching footie with her. I wasn't thrilled as my DS is normally asleep by 8.30 as he can't cope with being tired at all, but I figured that football must be nearly over so they'd be going to bed shortly, and it is a sleepover after all!
Drop his trainers off there so he can play footie with friend this morning to be told by mum that she had been tired so had left them in lounge (where they were sleeping) for the end of footie and her son had told her they were going to watch Casino Royale next!!! And she thought she'd heard voices at about 1am. 1 fricking am!!!
I looked mildly aghast at her and smilingly said how shattered he'd be later today which might be an issue as he has swimming training tonight but she didn't seem even slightly bothered by this.
When I collected him at 4.00 as agreed he looked tired, unsurprisingly, and since getting home has managed to eat tea and has now retired to the sofa under a blanket - unheard of for him so he must be exhausted.
I've just messaged her to let her know this so that she's aware of the impact but I'm just so cross.
Don't know what to do in future as they're quite good mates and are bound to want to stay at each other's houses again. I'm cross that not only were they up till gone midnight, but that it was also unsupervised - they could have got up to anything downstairs whilst she was asleep! Apparently her DS suggested to mine, AFTER watching the film so it must have been gone midnight by this time, that they play FIFA on the playstation but, thank goodness, my DS said no to this.

So, AIBU to be cross about this and how on earth do I nicely get her to not allow this to happen next time there's a sleepover?

sparkle12mar08 Tue 09-Apr-13 18:47:52

If I were your neighbour TigOldBitties I'd be uttterly furious with you allowing children out to play at 4 fucking AM Are you really that rude and inconsiderate? Really? I'm stunned that people think that 4AM THE NEXT DAY is appropriate for 9 and 10 yo's. It's insane! And no, I wouldn't let my child go to a sleep over at that sort of house, and yes, I'd make sure I'd asked the parent about bedtimes first.

DD's 12th birthday last summer involved a sleepover with 6 (yes, SIX) of her friends coming round for the night. They more or less took over the downstairs. And they are lovely girls in a nice friendship group, so I wasn't worried they'd be messing about.

I think DP and I heard noises until about 1:30 am but I'd bet they were quietly awake longer than that (or at least some of them).

Par for the course.

But I'm not having that many at a sleepover at one time again, oh no!

thegreylady Tue 09-Apr-13 18:51:53

Even when mine were teens there had to be quiet by midnight ie no telly or loud music though they could stay up and chat all night if they wanted to.I just threw sleeping bags into the living room and left them to it smile

lljkk Tue 09-Apr-13 18:51:55

If tiredness were all they had to contend with after a wake-over.

DD was shaking with fatigue and nearly hysterical after the wake-over. Coaxing her into bed "not to sleep just for a little rest" was very difficult although at least she was okay after a long nap.

DS was fine until 11:30am when he conked out heavily asleep & could not wake up. Fine except that I hadn't expected a wake-over so he had a friend coming around at 12 noon. We couldn't wake DS up so the friend went to play with someone else (who DS hates). When DS later realised he was utterly furious and never totally forgave his friend. Irrational, but then so is letting kids stay up all night if at all avoidable.

Viviennemary Tue 09-Apr-13 18:53:02

Can't think why they are called sleepovers as there doesn't seem that much sleep goes on. Bedtime I suppose is when they collapse with tiredness. I have asked for a bit of quiet if the noise was too much because I needed sleep even if they didn't.

I would be amazed if I got such a text. And a bit annoyed at your complaining.

CoffeeShoppe Tue 09-Apr-13 18:53:14

Just liken it to an adult who goes to a party, and has a hangover the next day. A good night out. Same for the kids, but without the alcohol. It is part of the fun of going to the sleepover in the first place, staying up late, midnight feasts, giggling and chatting into the small hours.

Tig - I too have had mine all outside on the trampoline albeit at midnight, then back indoors for hot choc and treats.

lljkk Tue 09-Apr-13 18:55:52

yanbu to be cross but I wouldn't think there's anything you can do to prevent it, just try to expect it next time.

DD wants to do a Glamping weekend with Guides in June & I'm dreading it hugely; I am 95% sure already that she will need to take the Monday off school afterwards, she will just be so incredibly shattered. And they DO try to get them to sleep by midnight, even so, I know from previous weekend residentials they are exhausting for her.

Mumsyblouse Tue 09-Apr-13 18:56:13

Do all you people who let their sleepover gang on the trampoline at 4am/midnight live in the middle of nowhere? Our next door neighbours sometimes used to go past 10pm on the trampoline in the summer and I thought that was quite inconsiderate.

digerd Tue 09-Apr-13 18:59:48

I had a few invites to stay overnight at weekends when I was 12 and 13, but we went to bed at the normal time and rode bikes and went for walks. No watching TV in the olden days. Must have been in the summer
One of the friends was the oldest of 5 children - the youngest being a babe in arms.
We were all very well-behaved and obeyed the parents instructions ,as it used to be. Her parents were lovely btw.

ShootingStarsss Tue 09-Apr-13 19:00:02

Er it's a sleep over something that probably doesn't happen every week, I think you Are being very unreasonable I thought sleepovers were about having fun and staying up late.

I'm neither rude or inconsiderate, unlike you overreacting like some fucking harridan. I have excellent relationships with my neighbours. 4 of the children at said sleepover were from neighbours homes, the parents spent the evening having a drink with me before returning home sans the children. My next door neighbours to one side have teenage children who have very loud parties every other week so we give and take a little. We all get on really well and are very accepting of these things. I know on mn, a neighbour making any kind of noise warrants the police but in my street we are much more tolerant. A half hour of laughing from school boys wouldn't be worth getting excited over, the foxes make more noise on a nightly basis.

Also don't worry if a parent with such tedious views as yours intended to bring their child to my sort of fun, warm and friendly house I'd promptly remind them not to bother. I'm sure being such a cheerful person you won't often face such dilemma.

ChoudeBruxelles Tue 09-Apr-13 19:01:00

Ds's last sleepover here all asleep by 10.30 (just one friend staying). Last time he went to a friend's they were asleep by about 11.30.

It's what happens - although I would draw the line at letting them bounce on a trampoline at 4am like the poster up the thread did. That's not very fair on neighbours.

Oh apologies, that was for friendly Sparkle12, I'm sure she knows I'm thinking of her.

Bowlersarm Tue 09-Apr-13 19:09:47

YABabitU. When my children had sleepovers here I would make sure they were all in bed by midnight but once I was asleep I had no idea really whether they were awake all night or not. They are all just about teens now, so they do stay up most of the night when friends are over.

I think if your DS is going to a sleepover, you can't call the shots and dictate what happens at his friends houses regarding bedtime. If you can't accept that he gets little or no sleep you have to start saying no, at least until he's older

littlewhitebag Tue 09-Apr-13 19:14:40

Sleepovers are for staying up late watching films, eating crap and not sleeping much at all! They do survive the odd late night and it is loads of fun or kids. Good luck when you host a sleepover! I have has around 10 kids sleep over at once and they don't really sleep at all.

issypiggle Tue 09-Apr-13 19:15:05

i had a sleepover for my 10th birthday, my dad went out my mum stayed at home and my mates mum came over too, we all had dinner together then they let us (4 of us) have the lounge to ourselves.

no idea what time we went to sleep, we watched films and had a giggle and yes we were tired the next day. thats the point of sleepovers. i know the parents were still partially awake to hear what we were up to, but not once did they worry. they told us once to keep the noise down just so the neighbours weren't kept up but for one night it really isnt an issue.

UC Tue 09-Apr-13 19:16:17

Still a bit perplexed by the supervision thing. Surely a 10 year old would know not to play with matches (as suggested upthread)? I would be more worried about them finding porn on the TV than about them playing with matches.

First rule of a sleepover. No sleep. DS2 (11) went to one on Friday, they were up until 4am having a great time.
He came home, and had a sleep in the afternoon. Not a problem.

NynaevesSister Tue 09-Apr-13 19:21:00

YABU for sending your son on a sleepover when he has an activity the next day, for not telling the other mother he had an activity especially as she was keeping him all day, and for expecting two children with the excitement of sleeping in the same house to keep to a bedtime. When I was ten the most exciting part of the sleepover was sneaking food into the bedroom and setting the alarm for midnight. We would then have a midnight feast, read comics under the bed spread, talk in whispers about everything and finally sit on the windowsill to watch the sun come up.

Everything our kids do now is regulated and monitored and here are people condemning this woman for leaving two TEN year olds in the lounge (not house, the lounge) on their own because they might sneak onto the porn channel? Play with matches? They are 9 nearly 10. Presume they are going in to year six and be expected to walk to school on their own? Just how much like imbeciles do you treat your kids that you think a 9 or 10 year old wont know not to play with matches?

VelvetSpoon Tue 09-Apr-13 19:22:12

Whenever we've had sleepovers here, I fully expect that children will still be awake much later than normal, indeed if they were asleep before 1am I'd be quite surprised.

A friend of mine recently had a sleepover for her DD's 11th birthday. 10 girls. At 5am they were still playing Just Dance in the living room....literally no sleep was had!

Corriewatcher Tue 09-Apr-13 19:30:19

I think YABU about messaging her about the impact as it's likely to have come across quite rude, but I also think YANBU to want your 10 year old to be in bed and asleep before midnight on a sleepover. My 10 year old DD has started to get invited to quite a few sleepovers (4 in the past term), and it messes up our family weekends when she's too tired to do anything the next day.

It's not like they're teenagers when I might be more relaxed about the bedtime. DD is hosting her second ever sleepover in a couple of weeks, and I've already explained that they can have a takeaway, do some craft, and watch a movie or TV in their pjs with some sweets. But also that I'll be expecting them to be in bed by 10 and to be asleep by 11. I've already mentioned the plan to the mums of both girls invited, and they were really pleased!

BackforGood Tue 09-Apr-13 19:30:32

I'm with you Dotty - of course someone should be supervising 9 / 10yr olds... as in 'popping in' and making sure they are settling down sometime after 10.
11 o'clock is a late night for most 9/10yr olds. Why let them get to the state where they just can't cope the next day ? confused

I wouldn't have texted / messaged her "about the impact" - as you say, different parenting styles, but I'd be refusing future invites, and saying why at the time if another invitation did come.

Corriewatcher Tue 09-Apr-13 19:30:44

I think YABU about messaging her about the impact as it's likely to have come across quite rude, but I also think YANBU to want your 10 year old to be in bed and asleep before midnight on a sleepover. My 10 year old DD has started to get invited to quite a few sleepovers (4 in the past term), and it messes up our family weekends when she's too tired to do anything the next day.

It's not like they're teenagers when I might be more relaxed about the bedtime. DD is hosting her second ever sleepover in a couple of weeks, and I've already explained that they can have a takeaway, do some craft, and watch a movie or TV in their pjs with some sweets. But also that I'll be expecting them to be in bed by 10 and to be asleep by 11. I've already mentioned the plan to the mums of both girls invited, and they were really pleased!

My daughter's sleepovers are inevitably extremely late nights for all involved.
They all sleep in the snug (a small, cosy room with a giant sofa bed) which is next to the kitchen. This means they can collect popcorn, drinks and sweets as they wish.
There is a TV in there, but I have total trust in my dd that she wouldn't watch anything inappropriate. They usually take a pile of DVDs in anyhow.

I am a little confused with the unsupervised issue. They would be unsupervised in a bedroom, so I can't really see the difference with the living room.
You are worried they may have attempted to get food or drinks, but surely all 10 year olds are more than capable of making a sandwich and are doing this regularly?

I think YABVU, and your email was rude.

stepawayfromthescreen Tue 09-Apr-13 19:38:13

jesus christ!
It's obvious you're new to sleepovers.
When my ten year old has them, they sleep downstairs unsupervised (we sleep upstairs) and stay up all night usually chatting and watching movies. They're always in the holidays and I don't expect any sleeping to happen.
I suggest you ban sleepovers altogether cos it sounds as though you have very very rigid uptight ideas about them

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