To want him to man up?

(30 Posts)
morgan1981 Tue 09-Apr-13 12:15:36

First time poster, b/c i need some advice!not really sure what to do sad

I've fancied someone at work for ages, we have been together a few times and now I've found out I am pregnent. We talked and agreed to have it 'taken care of' (his words he is a bit of a ladies man) and I agreed b/c i was worried about what people at work would say but I am already 32 and tbh i have been wanting a baby for ages but i am scared at how he's going to react

DaemonPantalaemon Tue 09-Apr-13 15:13:11

OP also says, I have been wanting a baby for ages.

It may be best to have one with a man who has also been wanting a baby for ages.

Booyhoo Tue 09-Apr-13 14:01:53

and actually if you BOTH talked and agreed to 'have it taken care of' then i'm struggling to understand what he has done wrong. you both talked it through and you both agreed. why is he suddenly the bad guy because you have changed your mind and want to have the baby?

HollyBerryBush Tue 09-Apr-13 14:00:18

Is he in a position of superiority at work?

How are your colleagues going to react?

Not that that will make much of a difference - but if your social life is based round work, be prepared to be ostracised if he is more popular/senior than you.

Have you got family support?

cantspel Tue 09-Apr-13 13:57:46

You are not in a relationship with this man. He is little more than a fuck buddy so if you want to keep this child then you need to do so expecting no input financial or otherwise from him.

It doesn't matter what anyone at work says or thinks.
It is your body, your child and your life so the choice is yours.

Booyhoo Tue 09-Apr-13 13:51:12

he is perfectly entitled to not want to become a parent. just as you are. would you accept anyone telling you to woman up if you choose not to have this baby?

Fairylea Tue 09-Apr-13 13:48:36

Good god does it matter what people at work think?? In a years time... or even a few months time... you probably won't even know who they are anymore. It really doesn't matter at all. If you start looking for another job now they might not even find out.

He doesn't want to be a dad. You know that. So it's up to you what you want to do.

ChocolateCoins Tue 09-Apr-13 13:45:08

If you want to keep the baby, you shouldn't care what any one else thinks. Do you have friend and family support?

harleyd Tue 09-Apr-13 13:44:41

he has made his position clear. you need to make your decision, let him know what it is, and then get on with it. do whats right for you, but be aware that you will likely be doing it on your own

(if you go ahead with the pregnancy then just focus on your baby & getting through the first year in one piece. Leave him to it & he'll either come around or he won't. Nothing you do or say will change that & if you try it'll only drain you of energy you could be putting towards yourself/baby. Just a head's up as I know how tempting it is when you want them to give a shit & they don't. It is never worth it. Hope you make the right decision for you & good luck.

P.S It's not all doom & gloom if you do keep the baby and have to do it all solo. Again, have a look at the Lone Parent board) smile

HairyGrotter Tue 09-Apr-13 13:41:43

I fell pregnant with a man who had no interest in being a father, my DD is 4 now and he has stood by his word, and I am very content with our situation.

If you want the baby, continue with the pregnancy, but remember you will be doing it alone. Once you have the baby, inform him, then continue as you are. It's hard but so very rewarding, as long as you have no expectations from the father, it's all rather plain sailing.

LessMissAbs Tue 09-Apr-13 13:38:36

Why do people continue have unprotected sex with ladies men? or genuinely shitty people with no morals

This.

So YABU for expecting him to "man up". Don't expect anything from him. Its not as if he was pretending to be anything he wasn't, or in a relationship with you, or planning DCs.

*too

Lueji Tue 09-Apr-13 13:37:57

Definitely decide what YOU want.
Consider practical and emotional aspects for you, but not how he is going to react or what people will think at work.
But, as other's have pointed out, don't expect him to be a good father either.

was in this situation 3 years ago & now have a DS who I love to bits but has no contact with dad and no CSA etc.

Yes, you'll get the odd comment or look but it's your life & your body. You do what you want or you run the risk of regretting it & maybe not having another due to age etc (not saying you won't definitely, just that if you do have an abortion you need to prepare yourself for that possibility & be ok with it).

It's a horrible decision to make so I hope you're ok & have a good support network around you as well as MN.

You should also prepare for the possibility of him 'dipping in and out'.
Look at the Lone Parent board. Some men feel to guilty etc to cut ties totally so pay the odd bit of money here & there or see them every now and again but aren't actually interested. Just be aware of that as a possibility.

Whatever choice you make, make it for you & the baby, not him or your workmates.

Gruffalump Tue 09-Apr-13 13:37:11

Sounds like you're the one who needs to man up!!

No offence, but you are captain of your own ship.

Do what you want to do, let him know what your plans are and whether or not he wants to be involved is up to him.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 09-Apr-13 13:35:40

You can't have an abortion because of what people at work would say.

If you want your baby, have your baby. You have a job to return to after giving birth, so you will be able to support yourself and your child. No one can think badly of you for doing that, but they will think very badly of him if he is trying to pressure you to terminate against your will.

hairtearing Tue 09-Apr-13 13:33:22

Wow, wasn't expecting that, I've got my extinguisher ready for the flaming.

Gigondas Tue 09-Apr-13 13:29:26

Agree with pan.
Also I would go and have a look on lone parent board to get some idea of what life may be like.

Of course having a child is a joy and you can bring kids up as a single parent so they are in a happy loving good environment.

But it is hard and will be harder still if you have a father who is not interested in the baby . Not only do you not have the support of another parent (albeit one you may not be with) but I doubt it will be that easy to get financial support from him (I know you can apply to CSa etc but getting it paid is another thing).

You need time to think on what it means to have a baby in situation like this as it will not be straight forward.

mmmuffins Tue 09-Apr-13 13:24:04

I am afraid I agree with hairtearing. I suspect this man will not step up and be a responsible interested parent, and therefore I do not understand why you would want him to be the father of your child. It must be so sad for children who go through life knowing that one of their parents does not care about them.

hairtearing Tue 09-Apr-13 12:41:04

Why do people continue have unprotected sex with ladies men? or genuinely shitty people with no morals.

I'm sure if you want to keep the baby you will be a good mum and I'm sure you mean well, and will do everything in your power to give the child a good life.
But it seems people are more choosy about what they eat then where they put other parts of their anatomy and children are born into these crap circumstances.
I say this as a teenage mother who endured all kinds of stigma whilst being on the pill and good relationship.

yaimee Tue 09-Apr-13 12:39:33

If you want to keep the baby then that's what you should do but don't expect anything from him, just let him know what you plan to do and let him make his mind up about whether he is going to be a part of your Childs life or not.
This is what I did and unfortunately I've heard nothing from my sons dad in the two years since I told him. But that was my decisions and I'm happy with it.
I have a lovely little boy who is very happy and I manage quite well without his father.
My son deserves more than a father who doesn't want to be there and so I will never be chasing him to be involved.
It's a personal decision and one that you should take your time making!
Good luck op.

currentbuns Tue 09-Apr-13 12:36:30

I agree with Daemon

oldraver Tue 09-Apr-13 12:35:25

Of course if he eventually decided to be supported that would be brilliant, but just dont count on it

oldraver Tue 09-Apr-13 12:34:52

Take him out of the equation (as at this moment it sounds like he wouldn't be any support anyway). Decide what YOU want to do, not what he thinks or your workmates, they wont be around at 3 in the morning when a potential dc is crying.

This is about you, and your possible child. If you want to go ahead do so, if you dont, then dont. If you are leaning toward going ahead with the pregnancy then I would be thinking that you would be on your own, then go from there

DaemonPantalaemon Tue 09-Apr-13 12:32:43

Go ahead and have the baby if that is what you want.

BUT

Please don't come back to Mumsnet a year from now complaining that he does not want to see his child.

Sure, you can chase him for child support. But you cannot make a man who does not want to be a father into a father.

Go into this with NO expectations of his role, and you will be fine.

Good luck.

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