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To ask for advice on how to tell family

(26 Posts)
mootime Tue 09-Apr-13 11:37:08

Probably not the right place for this, but I'm not sure where else to post. Ok, so we just found out that I'm pregnant again and after the initial shock we are thrilled. We've had a tricky time in the baby making area, initially having an eptopic, then a miscarriage then our son died neonatally. We are now blessed to have two lovely small people at home and all being well we should.have another. Sadly though my db and sil have been trying for a while and have just found out there are some issues. Despite what we've been through I'm struggling to think of how to tell them. I know my brother is going to get really upset, and while she will be supportive, I know she will also be really upset. We are only 6w, (had scan this morning) so no rush to tell them, but I don't know if it might be better sooner rather than later. Their issues are unlikely to be resolved in the next 6 weeks, but they may have a plan of action.
Any thoughts or advice?

MyDarlingClementine England Tue 09-Apr-13 11:45:53

I don't know but I feel for you.

If I was your DB and SIL I would be looking on your news as brilliant and very encouraging for ourselves, that people who have also had problems managed to conceive.

I never look on others good news and relate that back to myself in a negative way.

And if they do fail to conceive at all I would be thinking they are luck to have at least one baby in the family to spoil.

This comes from a family where one sibling was never able to conceive, and I didn't think I would be able to either.

MyDarlingClementine England Tue 09-Apr-13 11:46:44

sorry!! 3 babies!!!

flakjacket Tue 09-Apr-13 11:53:35

Tell them a few days/weeks before you tell anyone else. Then they can have time to come to terms with it and be genuinely happy for you before they have to face other people. Best I can suggest.

EuroShaggleton Tue 09-Apr-13 11:54:49

My advice would be to tell your brother privately (not in a group situation) and preferably not face to face, so he and SIL can process the news and arrange their "happy faces" by the time they have to face other people.

Congratulations on your happy news, and it's great that you are being so considerate to your brother and SIL.

HumphreyCobbler Tue 09-Apr-13 11:56:26

I would tell them by email so that they can have their reaction in private. That is what I preferred when I was in that situation. You sound so nice to be so caring of their feelings.

ShoeHorn Tue 09-Apr-13 11:57:09

Firstly, congratulations.
Secondly, there is no easy way to tell them, but when you do so, it will give them hope in their own battle, even though they may feel why not us. I'm sure they will be pleased for you.

DuelingFanjo Tue 09-Apr-13 11:58:38

I disagree. I don't think that you having a baby will be nice for them if they never manage to conceive, it's going to be hard even though you have had issues yourself. Speaking as someone who did have problems (And then successful IVF) I would say that it's going to be tough for them until they manage to have one of their own, if they ever do.

Maybe they won't be bitter but it will hurt. Definitely don't tell them while you are with other people, if you are going to do it face-to-face make sure it's a private thing between you and them. I think it's absolutely ok for you to say something like 'I know this is such a hard time for you and I really don't want to cause you hurt' - it's so much better if you acknowledge their situation rather than never speak of it.

I used to think telling people face to face was best but I soon revised that as it became harder and harder to conceive so now I think sometimes it is easier coming in an email/card as the infertile couple can react how they want and don't feel like they have to put on a brave face.

I would wait a few weeks. No reason why you should tell people before 12 weeks anyway and they may be in a better place to hear your news then. I don't think they would like to feel you had to tell them early to give them time to process it. It's not nice to think that you are so vulnerable people have to give you 'extra' space.
If you tell them, privately so they have a chance to think 'oh bloody hell why not us' before seeing anybody, at a 'usual' time ie 12 weeks then they are less likely to feel singled out as the 'barren' couple. I hope they have good news for you too by then smile

By the way I don't think they should feel' barren' (awful word) just that they probably do iyswim?

mootime Tue 09-Apr-13 12:08:05

Thanks for your thoughts. I know that we preferred a personal treatment with preg/ birth announcements after we lost our son, so I will definitely tell them without any one else there. Maybe email or phone would be best. I really don't know. I guess it's harder because its family.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 09-Apr-13 12:09:40

I agree with waiting a few weeks, there is no hurry to tell them unless you are especially keen to tell other members of your family. It would be nice to tell them first, and if you do it face to face, do it in a way that means you or they can leave shortly afterwards without appearing rude. I think if you acknowledge that it will be hard for them, then you are doing as much as you can do to protect their feelings.

This is a special time for you as well, and you don't deserve to have it spoiled.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Madmum24 Tue 09-Apr-13 12:11:08

Yes, it will be hard for them, but it's not as if the OP has had it easy either! It would be different if she was posting FB statuses as being 'upduffed and devastated' but she herself will be treading on eggshells with her pregnancy. Congrats OP by the way!

I second the fact that you should tell your DB on the side, you sound as if you are very sensitive towards the situation anyway, and acknowledge the fact that you know it will be sensitive for them, and that is why you wanted to tell them first and in private.

babybythesea Tue 09-Apr-13 12:36:44

We have been in an identical situation.
I have one dd, and then we started trying for our second and Dsis and BIL started trying for their first. We had near on two years of neither of us being successful and used each other as props and support during that time.

She went to see her GP and got into the 'system', I went to dee my GP and was told that we had one child and wouldn't get any help. Fair enough. She helped me process the fact that we would probably only have one.

Then I fell pregnant. I am due in 10 days.

I told them a week before anyone else, to give them time to get used to the idea. She was pleased in front of me but went home and sobbed and sobbed. I then let them lead the way in terms of talking about it. I gave them scan dates etc, so she didn't feel she was being left out of the conversation, but I didn't discuss anything with them unless they brought it up or asked. (So I'd say - we had a lovely walk on the beach today, and tomorrow we've got swimming, and Thursday we're going for the scan and on Friday dd is off to nursery... - so they knew but it wasn't introduced as a big deal IYSWIM).

I've not really mentioned anything about the pregnancy without them asking. I know my sister feels bad because she hasn't asked much, but she can't bring herself to do it. She actually pretty much cut contact for a few weeks which is unusual as we normally speak several times a week. I sent a couple of emails, just so she didn't think I had taken offence and so she knew I understood, but I let her make the first contact. I also think that having children in the family isn't 'nice' for her especially. It's a reminder of what she is desperate for but can't seem to achieve. I have no idea what her reaction will be once the baby is born.

sick0fants Tue 09-Apr-13 15:38:26

I agree with others who have suggested waiting a few weeks, and also acknowledging that it will be hard for them. I did this with dsis when I got pregnant with ds3 and it helped as it allowed her to be able to still talk to me about how she felt and avoided an elephant in the room situation. Dsis went on to be my birth partner for ds3 and was fab, it was a lovely special moment for us both when ds3 arrived with her there.

babybythesea I remember your name from a thread ages ago about big age gaps, when you were ttc. I've NCd since then but so pleased to read you have a baby due in 10 days, hoped at the time things would work out for you smile

babybythesea Tue 09-Apr-13 16:22:44

Thank you!
We were surprised and ecstatic. It actually still doesn't feel real despite the fact I'm huge and exhausted and the baby is a fidget (hoping that will change once the baby is safely in my arms!)!!

I have lost babies while all those around me have had them. I hate being told in public or a group setting, as I feel that everyone then looks at me to see my reaction. They probably don't but I'm paranoid. I far prefer being told be text or email so I can get the crying out of the way and be composed and happy for them next time we meet face to face.

flakjacket Tue 09-Apr-13 17:26:08

Remember that they will be pleased for you. In a similar situation I was always happy for people - I wanted my own baby, I didn't begrudge other people theirs.

Heinz55 Tue 09-Apr-13 17:41:27

I was ttc for 4 years when I had a mc...just as my SIL got pg with her 3rd. I was devastated for me but I knew so so well how hard come by these babies are and so I was delighted for them - I cried a river over it though. You can't do anything about that. My baby was due 6 weeks after hers and she sent me pics of "my beautiful son" which I found (irrationally probably) a bit insensitive - I think it was the caption that bothered me. My very good friend also had a baby at the same time and I can vividly remembering crying over that too - but feeling relieved and pleased that it wasn't my friend who was having fertility problems. I was told about DB and SIL by my mother and by my friend over the phone. I was really, really glad NOT to be told in person. Just remember that any adverse reaction is about their grief and not about you. I was always sad/angry/frustrated that others seemed to get pregnant so easily with a THIRD while I couldn't manage to hang onto mine. Congratulations btw and I hope it all goes smoothly.

Nordicmom Tue 09-Apr-13 17:44:13

Yes I second the not telling in a group or face to face . A message would be better like others said , then they would have time to digest it and be able to face you later and hopefully be happy for you. You've gone through hell yourself and not had an easy time either so hopefully they can remember that this hasn't come easy for you . Infertility is such a horrible issue and causes so much upset in families and in friendships. I had big problems having a second child after number one came with no problems with conceiving or in pregnancy . In 2-3 y I lost 10 pregnancies while most of my friends were having babies here and there and it was sole distroying . I felt every bit of happy news was like a dagger to my heart and felt so jealous of everybody else getting to keep their babies while mine just seemed to die everytime. I actually couldn't go to see people that just had babies around the times I'd lost another pregnancy and was greatfull always to receive the news though someone else. Having my son already made it easier though and I wasn't upset about people having their first ones just second , third , fourth... Happy ending to our story though ; we now do have an almost 1y biologigal DD through gestational surrogacy 5 Y after starting to try for a second (ds is 8 y) so they should keep at it until they get to where they want to be and not give up !
Congrats on you happy news smile!

Maggie111 Tue 09-Apr-13 17:44:47

I would wait till 12 weeks to tell family, and I would tell them via email, or text or something so they can process it internally and plaster on a happy smile.

Congratulations to you on your pregnancy! smile

Nordicmom Tue 09-Apr-13 17:49:01

I have several friends with children born near my various due dates and I still do think of the ones I lost when I look at their children sad... You don't forget ...

Sorry for your losses Nordicmom, I have the same issue with friends children born when mine should have been. I don't think the grief ever leaves you.

mootime Tue 09-Apr-13 20:17:33

Thanks. I do really understand the difficulties when it comes to losses (see my op) it's really the issue of finding it difficult to conceive, so really appreciate the thoughts. I'm worried that an email or message might seem a bit distant. I wondered about taking dsil out for a coffee and telling her separately.
Oh I don't know, it's going to be really tough. Maybe I should ask my mum (though then obv I've had to tell her first!)

Toasttoppers Tue 09-Apr-13 21:29:29

I think your a very thoughtful woman, I would phone because the words will jump out from a screen and there can be no two way understanding or chance to discuss stuff. You may not discuss anything, he may give a short response but your giving him the opportunity.

Congratulations btw!

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