To not allow my DH to buy a motorbike?

(71 Posts)
Doodledumdums Mon 08-Apr-13 23:07:04

I feel like I am probably being unreasonable, but I am not really sure I can change my views! DH has never had a motorbike before, and he has known ever since we met how I feel about them (Which is that I think they are dangerous, and that no matter how safely you ride one, there are idiot drivers on the roads who don't drive carefully and could easily knock you off or cause an accident). The trouble is, I have also known ever since we met how HE feels about them, and I know that he wants one- so we're at a stalemate!

Ultimately I am not trying to be mean, but I love DH very much, and we have a 13 week old baby, and I just can't face the thought of him doing anything which I personally consider to be really dangerous.

Partly my feeling may be down to the fact that I am a very anxious person, and have suffered from anxiety disorders in the past, so I have a tendancy to let my worries run away with me. For example, if DH is late home from work, it is not long before my mind has wandered and I am panicking that he has been in an accident and that I will be shortly getting a call from the police. So I can only imagine that if he has a motorbike, my anxiety issues will be hugely magnified because of my pre-existing feelings about them.

I really hope I don't offend anyone by posting this, I don't mean to cause offence to anyone who has a motorbike, or has a DP with a motorbike. I would just like to know whether I am being unreasonable by putting my foot down and saying that he can't have one. (To be honest, he's an adult, if he really wants to get one then I can't stop him, but as we are a couple, I don't think he would do that unless he had my blessing.)

YANBU to feel the way you do and to strongly disagree, but your turn of phrase is unfortunate. Partners shouldn't "allow" or "not allow" each other anything.

Hopefully if you express your feelings and concerns on the subject to him, he will be reasonable and hold off for a while, especially if you have a new baby.

Andro Mon 08-Apr-13 23:56:10

Doodledumdums - you do realise that if your DS picks up on your hatred/fear of motorbikes it's quite possible that obtaining his license will become a priority (teenage rebellion is a wonderful thing)? Particularly if your DH has an interest in bikes (even if he doesn't ride)!

I like bikes, I used to ride them. But while I know of no-one who has been injured or indeed killed in a car accident, my house-mate was killed on his bike when I was in Uni, a co-worker's son was killed last year, I have seen at least one fatal accident while out driving, my boss has a knackered spine from a bike crash.... the list goes on....

Andro Tue 09-Apr-13 00:01:50

AnnieLobeseder - I'm the opposite, no-one close to me has been injured or killed on a bike, but 4 people close to me have been killed in car accidents (I'm not underestimating the potential danger of bikes though).

Doodledumdums Tue 09-Apr-13 00:05:32

I am very much regretting the title of this thread now! I really don't mean that I would actually forbid him from getting one, I worded the thread entirely wrong. I really mean that I don't want to give him my blessing to get one.

Andro- I hadn't even thought of that!! Although thankfully DS is a long way off being a teenager, thank goodness!

thezebrawearspurple Tue 09-Apr-13 00:08:29

yanbu, there's a much higher risk of being seriously injured/killed from a motorbike than a car accident. That would affect you so you have a right to say that you're unhappy with him taking unnecessary risk. Someone on a bike is so exposed and there are too many shitty lorry/van/car drivers on the roads.

Twentytotwo Tue 09-Apr-13 00:13:05

The risk of serious injury if you do come off a bike is enough that I can't imagine many people being actively enthusiastic about their DP getting one unless they were also a bike enthusiast.

AnyFucker Tue 09-Apr-13 00:15:47

DH would know not to suggest it, so I guess you could call it being effectively forbidden...

OP, you are allowed to have strong feelings about something you know

having a motorbike is not essential, like water and oxygen

it's a lifestyle choice that doesn't currently fit your family's lifestyle...no more, no less

Longdistance Tue 09-Apr-13 00:30:06

Yanbu. My dh's family like their motorbikes, but dh is as clumsy as anything, and he'll be the first to fall off.

About 15 years ago, my old neighbours dh fell off his motorbike in an accident. It wasn't a pretty ending, and I remember seeing the police car pull up, and then saw the son in tears. He was only about 14, his sister was about 11, the dw was around early 40's and widowed.

He had a very powerful bike, that he always sped off on. Even though he had all the leathers and helmet, and lash bike, it didn't help.

It is not ops dh's money, it's family money, so again yanbu to say no.

angeltattoo Tue 09-Apr-13 03:53:26

You are NBU to feel the way you do, you WBU to 'ban' him, but you have already said you wouldn't/ couldn't do that.

If he doesn't already have a licence then getting one is time consuming and expensive, which might put him off with a newborn.

I remember my mum saying I couldn't have a motorbike when I lived at home, I bought one anyway shocksmile

I remember coming home one day to find her rocking on the stairs, I just could not understand her worry at all! blush

My DH and I are planning on moving, which would mean a longer commute for him, he occasionally mentions how a bike would be quicker, I ignore him smile luckily he doesn't have a licence so I'm not too worried.

Finally, i'm not sure if this helps or not probably not but if it's racing he's into, I worry a lot less about my motorcycle racing brother when he's riding on a track than when he's on a road - tracks are relatively safe.

BlueyDragon Tue 09-Apr-13 05:12:51

YANBU, OP, this is family money so a joint decision. Sometimes a compromise isn't possible even in the sunniest of relationships. And you have particular concerns about your DH doing this, so why shouldn't you express them and expect to be heard?

If your DH does go ahead, then one thing that helps me manage the worry about accidents whilst my DH is out on his bike is an agreement that he phones me when he is starting his journey. If he is then delayed, he phones me again to let me know. This might sound super-controlling, but came about after he'd phoned me one night to say he was leaving work, got delayed by a crisis that meant he couldn't answer his mobile and didn't get home until 2 hours after he should have been back. By which time I'd nearly called the police. If it was just going out for a ride, rather than commuter journey, we'd agree how long for and again call if the time was to be exceeded (my turn to mess up - I'd gone out on my bike with a friend and got us lost).

But tbh the motorbike lifestyle isn't fantastically compatible with family life, all road risks apart. For a start, direct access training is expensive and takes at least a week. The bike might look relatively cheap, but good safety kit and leathers adds a lot too and the insurance can be pricey depending on what you buy and more importantly where you're storing it. And yes, the biking social life is fantastic and great fun, but where/how would you fit into that? Your DH can go out on his bike and you could catch up with him at certain points on his ride so it's doable, I'm just asking the question. Pillions have to be tall enough to reach the foot pegs and sensible enough to do as they're told so children are out as passengers for a while.

We have two bikes and two children and I've just decided to sell mine because I never get to ride it - there's too much other stuff going on in my non-work time. Anyone want a 55 plate Ducati Monster 620 with Termignoni cans?

Plomino Tue 09-Apr-13 05:20:25

DH used to have one . He stopped after coming off worse against a car , and having his brother turn up as first officer on scene , who then had to go and tell his mum..

Personally I totally get where you're coming from . In my job , it's frightening how many colleagues get killed every year on motorbikes . I think it's actually the most common cause of death of the recent police roll of honour . I know of so so many colleagues who have been seriously injured , and not through lack of skills or red mist most of the time , and what with all the accidents we come across , I suppose it's no wonder that I would be really really concerned if DH wanted to get back on . And DS's are banned until they leave home . I worry enough as it is .

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 09-Apr-13 08:20:14

OP don't be so apologetic.

DH really isn't allowed, although you could frame it as him choosing to stay married to me rather than have a bike. He doesn't want one that badly.

Early in our relationship but after a discussion about marriage and children he seriously mooted getting a bike to commute. I told him that if he did I wouldn't marry him or have children with him, that was the deal and he could take it or leave it. He took it.
We both consider it a binding promise, and I would consider that he had left our marriage if he went and bought one or started lessons.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 09-Apr-13 08:22:58

Yabu if I wanted one and said DH would not "allow" it there'd be hell to pay on here.

superbagpuss Tue 09-Apr-13 08:35:34

I'm in the opposite position. I have always loved bikes and got my license but my dh hates them. so even though we can afford it even before I had DC I felt I couldn't have one and it would get him cross and I resented him a bit for it. even when I go out with my biker mates he gets all huffy and causes a row and I feel like part of me dies inside. BTW there are things he does I'm not 100% happy with but I knew he did them before we got together so I accept them. we have been together over ten years and its one of the major flash points still.

RatPants Tue 09-Apr-13 08:43:16

Yanbu. They're deadly. I only know a couple of people with bikes but all of them have had accidents at some point, mainly through no fault of their own. Dh had a nasty accident before I met him and sometimes makes noises about getting another bike but I'm really against it and I think they are just noises, given that he almost died and is actually a bit afraid of getting back on one, just won't necessarily admit it so I give him a good excuse.

Perhaps rather than banning him from buying one you could come to an agreement like me and my husband.

If he is allowed a motorbike, I am allowed a crocodile. grin

Highlander Tue 09-Apr-13 08:45:18

Organ donors in transit.

byanymeans Tue 09-Apr-13 08:53:33

I ride have done for since i was 17, DP has since he was 16.
Plus i have big worry issues when ever DP is out weather it be in the landy, push bike or one of the motorbikes so i feel your pain. I ask him to ring or text when he stops and i deal with my nerves till he does beaucse i know the risks what ever transport he uses. Even if he takes a train to london i check the radio traffic and travel for bad news if he is late texting.
But i would never stop him riding or driving beause of me and though he knows i do worry i dont tell him because i dont want distract him.

I have lost 2 class mates to car accidents and each had full cars who were killed or very very hurt. I have also lost my best friend to being hit off his motorbike by a car. But i ride for him my bestfriend because there is nothing like it. When i got told i was pregant my family told me i would give it up but its part of me as it is DP.

What im trying to say is sit down talk it though with your dh just one time. Tell him you worry be honest money wise, health wise, maybe if you need a text when he is out tell him. But in the end dont take it as a bad thing if he wants to ride. Look at the pro's bike riders see more so he will be safer driving if rides. But at the end of the day he needs to make choice for him self.

Plus as far as social have 14 'brothers and sisters', lots of friends and confedence that i wont have if i didnt ride and the same goes for DP and hopefully one our son.

byanymeans Tue 09-Apr-13 08:56:42

*and hopefully our son will ride one day too.

Sorry long post

tomatoplantproject Tue 09-Apr-13 09:00:59

I'm with you, OP. DH knows my feelings and I would happily bribe dc's with a car if it meant they never had a bike. Have been first person on the scene of a motorbike accident and a friend's brother was killed by a bad driver. They strike fear to the heart of my soul. At least in a car there is some protection but on a bike you are completely exposed.

I like bikes - superbikes especially.
But.... My ex BIL was in hospital for long time after being knocked off of his bike.
A good friend died a couple of years ago when he was knocked off of his bike.
Another friend, when younger, was seriously injured and killed another biker in that accident!
YANBU IMHO!

MandragoraWurzelstock Tue 09-Apr-13 09:07:28

I rode over a period of 12 years and finally sold my last lovely bike last year. Before I had ds1, I rode every day, all weathers, it was superb but then no one was dependant on me so I had that freedom.

It is imo one of those things that is safer the more you do it. You learn to handle the bike properly, through all conditions, you get very quick at reacting and stabilising and dodging.

I was a fantastic rider (if I say so myself grin) and once I had children I began to ride far less, obviously, and my skills decreased.

I sold that bike and got another a couple of years later, because I missed it...and found the same thing, that it was sitting on the drive more than it was out on the road, simply through other - parenting -commitments, and frankly I was never so confident as I used to be.

Also it meant if anything did happen - which was more likely than when I'd been an every day rider - my children would be the ones to suffer.

So I sold it. I don't regret selling it. I have chosen my path and that involves a commitment to my children and if it's not my job, then I won't be riding enough to be good enough at it.

I feel for your H but imo his time to have a bike was before your little baby was born. He should have done it then. It sounds like it might be a case of displacement activity for him - to want one at the same time as a new baby?

Kids or bikes, unless it's your job OR a family activity on slow boring bike runs where no one will get hurt.

Seriously it's like having a horse, or in fact a baby - they do require a massive commitment. And being older he won't learn as quick anyway.

MandragoraWurzelstock Tue 09-Apr-13 09:10:09

Weirdly my parents were so against me getting a second hand car that they bribed me to get a bike instead!

flaminhoopsaloolah Tue 09-Apr-13 10:09:33

I was behind a bus with an advert on the back of it yesterday. It was asking car drivers to be more vigilant. I cannot remember the exact figures, but roughly 1% of road users are bikers and 23% of RTA involve bikers. Those are some pretty sobering statistics.

I love motorbikes. I miss motorbikes. I've always wanted to own one (used to have a P with a CBR, huge amount of fun)

I now have children.

You are not being unreasonable (for the most part). He is a father and a spouse and he must know being on a bike is riskier than being in a car. I can empathise with him wanting one - I want one!! But he has responsibilities.

You can't stop him - obviously. But I'd be making certain he had decent life insurance and injury cover and if he objected to that, I'd be pretty concerned about how he saw his role in his family (I'm sure he wouldn't object to that though)

ithaka Tue 09-Apr-13 10:17:14

Tricky one - I think with a 13 week old baby, now is probably not the best time for him to get a bike. But you may have to resign yourself to the fact he will get one eventually, if that is what he really wants.

I have an expensive and dangerous hobby (horses) and I really appreciate my DH's forbearance and try not to take it too much for granted. But our marriage would not have lasted this long (20 years & still strong) if he couldn't at least accept my hobby, I don't expect him to embrace it.

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