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To not allow my DH to buy a motorbike?

(71 Posts)
Doodledumdums Mon 08-Apr-13 23:07:04

I feel like I am probably being unreasonable, but I am not really sure I can change my views! DH has never had a motorbike before, and he has known ever since we met how I feel about them (Which is that I think they are dangerous, and that no matter how safely you ride one, there are idiot drivers on the roads who don't drive carefully and could easily knock you off or cause an accident). The trouble is, I have also known ever since we met how HE feels about them, and I know that he wants one- so we're at a stalemate!

Ultimately I am not trying to be mean, but I love DH very much, and we have a 13 week old baby, and I just can't face the thought of him doing anything which I personally consider to be really dangerous.

Partly my feeling may be down to the fact that I am a very anxious person, and have suffered from anxiety disorders in the past, so I have a tendancy to let my worries run away with me. For example, if DH is late home from work, it is not long before my mind has wandered and I am panicking that he has been in an accident and that I will be shortly getting a call from the police. So I can only imagine that if he has a motorbike, my anxiety issues will be hugely magnified because of my pre-existing feelings about them.

I really hope I don't offend anyone by posting this, I don't mean to cause offence to anyone who has a motorbike, or has a DP with a motorbike. I would just like to know whether I am being unreasonable by putting my foot down and saying that he can't have one. (To be honest, he's an adult, if he really wants to get one then I can't stop him, but as we are a couple, I don't think he would do that unless he had my blessing.)

ParadiseChick Mon 08-Apr-13 23:07:54

Yabu

livinginwonderland Mon 08-Apr-13 23:09:56

you can't ban him from spending his money on something, but i totally get your concerns.

saintmerryweather Mon 08-Apr-13 23:11:00

Yabvu

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 08-Apr-13 23:11:04

YANBU

DH knows that it is a condition of our relationship that he doesn't have one.

I have always hated them and thought they were very dangerous. When I was at Uni a friend's brother was in a coma following a motorbike accident which just confirmed my feelings.

When DH and I got married and we agreed to start a family, him never having a motorbike was part of the deal.

WMittens Mon 08-Apr-13 23:13:08

If it was not affordable, that would be reasonable; just because you don't like them is unreasonable.

AmIthatSpringy Italy Mon 08-Apr-13 23:14:02

YABU

"..not allow my DH to buy..."

hmm

McNewPants2013 Mon 08-Apr-13 23:15:13

How can you put conditions on a relationship, would you really divorce him over buying something he really wanted.

Yabu, but Yanbu to be concerned about his safety

SuzySuzSuz Mon 08-Apr-13 23:17:34

I've been there so know how you're feeling. My husband had a bike for about 8yrs, sold last year through his own choice for £ reasons at that time.

I used to worry too, husband was a great biker, did the advanced tests etc but like you, my worry was always other drivers. Like it or not, on a bike even with protection you are more at risk of injury if anything did happen. Husband was knocked off a couple of times, fortunately no serious injuries.

Have you spoken to your other half about your concerns? I don't think putting down your foot will help, as you've mentioned he is an adult plus resentment may build.

Also has your husband been on bikes at all? Just to check it's definitely for him before even pursuing this?

SatsukiKusukabe Mon 08-Apr-13 23:18:23

tell him he can have one when he has enough life insurance to make sure your life is incredibly comfortable.

we couldn't afford for dh to take silly risks.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 08-Apr-13 23:19:04

yanbu

I expect you will get called a control freak or summat though

who gives a shit ? smile

LovelyMeredith Mon 08-Apr-13 23:19:09

Last year, my brother was in a motorbike accident due to the fact he slide on a wet leaf. This result in him having a broken leg; having to have a metal plate in his leg and getting a blood clot.

On the other hand, my Uncle who has been riding motorcycles since he was 17 and has never had an accident.

It depends on what time of bloke your hubby is - if he's the type who would sit and show off, then I can totally understand your concerns. However, if he's sensible and doesn't act the idiot, then you've got nothing to worry about.

SatsukiKusukabe Mon 08-Apr-13 23:20:50

and also it is ok for partners to sometimes say, actually this is one step too far for me. For some people it's strip clubs for some people it's dangerous hobbies. why decide to take it up when you have a new born?

SatsukiKusukabe Mon 08-Apr-13 23:22:07

he won't have time for aaaaages yet to fuck about on a motorbike anyway

Delayingtactic Mon 08-Apr-13 23:25:17

I understand where you are coming from. I'm guessing its just poor phrasing on your part to say you wouldn't allow him, just more that if he is asking for your blessing you're not going to give it! It's not about safe they are as a rider it's about other idiots on the road.

I'd feel the same way. The only thing you can do is tell your DH that the idea of it really frightens and if he wants to go ahead regardless that is his choice but you are not going to pretend to be okay with it.

Andro Mon 08-Apr-13 23:25:20

YABU...but understandably so (up to a point).

I'm really uncomfortable with one half of a partnership using 'allow' in reference to a hobby or purchase (assuming cost isn't the issue)...you're his DW, not his DM!

ShellyBoobs Mon 08-Apr-13 23:25:42

YABVU.

DH has a motorbike, and last year I posted a thread in AIBU about him wanting to take our 7yo dd on a road trip to Scotland.

Long story short, they went, they were fine.

I do know exactly what you mean though, I worry every time DH goes out on his.

But I can't, and wouldn't, stop him.

Let him buy one, you'll probably find he's had enough of it by the end of summer. They're not the most sociable of vehicles!

Doodledumdums Mon 08-Apr-13 23:35:27

Alibaba- I am glad I am not the only one who feels like this!

No I would never divorce him over it, but I do sort of feel like he married me knowing my feelings about them, and also knowing about my anxiety issues, and it certainly wouldn't help!

I feel like I worded the thread wrong, I am not a control freak I promise! I know I couldn't (and wouldn't!) actually stop him from getting one, but I feel like my concerns are valid ones, and that as we are a partnership, it is sort of a joint decision. I also feel that if he gets a motorbike then this may later encourage my DS to get one, and that would absolutely frighten the life out of me!

I do appreciate that I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't think I am being VERY unreasonable! If I was being VERY unreasonable then I would be saying that I don't want him to get one because I want him to buy me something nice and expensive instead, and I am certainly not saying that! I am being unreasonable, but my reasons are justifiable surely?! I just can't stand the thought of him getting hurt.

I would never actually stop him doing something he wanted to do, I am not that sort of wife, the same as he would never stop me doing something I wanted to do. However, if I pretend that I am okay with it and then something dreadful happens, then I would never forgive myself for not expressing discontent with the idea when I could, if that makes sense? Basically I guess what I am saying is that I just don't think I can give him my blessing over this.

WMittens Mon 08-Apr-13 23:37:57

* They're not the most sociable of vehicles!*

There is a massive social aspect to biking! Rideouts, events, bikesport, etc. It's a fantastic community.

ComposHat Belgium Mon 08-Apr-13 23:45:44

He couldn't leap on a 1000cc superbike and roar off into the sunset. He will be restricted to 125cc until he's passed a CBT, theory and practical test.

I guess that once he sees the amount of effort and cost involved he'll think twice.

Up until my friends DH was killed on one some years back I'd have said YABU. But I have to say if DH mooted this I'd feel exactly the same as OP hmm

Twentytotwo Mon 08-Apr-13 23:52:13

All you can do is ask him not to and make sure he has good serious injury cover and life insurance if he decides to get one. To 'not allow' him is never going to work. You can decide that it's a deal breaker for you which is your right but understandably you don't want that.

Doodledumdums Mon 08-Apr-13 23:53:32

Trouble is, Cal Crutchlow is his hero...which doesn't bode well for me seeing as he races GP bikes!

To be honest, financially I think it would be a bad idea at the moment, so hopefully by the time we can afford it then he will have gone off the idea!

footphobic Mon 08-Apr-13 23:54:46

My DH used to have one when we first got together, he came off it once luckily not badly hurt. It was his own decision to get rid after we got married. I would say he was a confident and safe rider but he felt too vulnerable on it. He considered it again at one point but decided against, plus for him comfort won over speed. He does a huge amount of miles, which I worry about too, it's bad enough in a car.

I wouldn't like to think of either of us forbidding the other to do or buy something, but when you feel very strongly something is wrong or dangerous enough to cause you a constant worry, then I think it warrants taking your feelings into consideration.

The issue for me is lack of protection. It's not about how skilled or safe the rider thinks they are or may actually be, it's about how vulnerable you are on a bike.

My cousin's DSS was killed on a bike last year, 18 years old. It wasn't his fault, he was driving safely, it was a freak accident, in a car he would have survived.

We have 5 dcs, I know DH would not want them to have a motorbike.

Nothing is 100% safe in this world and I'm not saying we should all stop doing things we enjoy, but the statistics speak for themselves - 31 times more likely to have a fatal outcome from an accident on a bike than in a car. I just think the risk is too great.

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