to object to being called a dick

(188 Posts)
Catherinethemate Sun 07-Apr-13 21:26:34

Apparently i was being a dick, as in i did something to upset my OH. He told me to shut up, then he called me a dick. I objected so he shouted SHUT UP YOU DICK! in my face. A big row eventually happened. Am i oversensitive? Does your OH say this to you? Even now when i say he shouldn't have called me it he says..don't be a dick then. If someone at work or in a social situation annoyed him i very much doubt he would shout SHUT UP DICK in their face so AIBU to find it unnacceptable???

kotinka Thu 16-May-13 07:51:01

in the unlikely event he does harm himself (and this is pretty unlikely considering how wonderful he thinks he is), that's his personal choice, don't let him blame you for that too - "look what you made me do"

good luck, it's hard, but I think you can do it.

spiritedaway Thu 16-May-13 07:15:27

Thanks Kotinka, really don't think i will have to go down that route. I did with my ex and it ended in a restraining order in criminal courts because he flouted it. I wil check out the link because what i do anticipate is a few days of calls. I am concerned about his mental health and him having a history of self harming. Also because he talks about his life being over if i give up on us. I do know that is manipulative and EA but it works and does prevent me from acting because it's going to take guts for me to do it and wait for the fall out.

kotinka Wed 15-May-13 23:16:39

found that website for Women's Aid, might be good for some practical help, for example in case you ever need to get an injunction to keep this twat away from you & your kids

www.womensaid.org.uk/

kotinka Wed 15-May-13 19:14:28

I don't know how to block a number on a mobile phone - anyone know if this is possible to do yourself or do we need to call "customer services"?

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 17:33:42

My phone is insane. . I am gonna figure how to block his number on my phone, steel myself and do the deed.

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 17:28:27

Definitely he feels i should be grateful in that he thinks my past should be a mediating factor in my forgiving his current behaviour.

kotinka Wed 15-May-13 17:11:19

which it definitely should not, he should have accepted you as you are, past and all. but he can't.

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 17:03:57

Definitely he feels i should be grateful in that he thinks my past should be a mediating factor in my forgiving his current behaviour.

Thumbwitch Wed 15-May-13 15:54:56

The other thing is, he thinks he's doing you some kind of favour to have you back after you went off with that other bloke. He's condescending to have you around, and you're just not fucking grateful enough for his liking, OH no.

Well you don't have to be grateful for a shit like him. Anyone who thinks that you SHOULD be grateful to be in a relationship, again, doesn't actually LOVE you - and should be dumped forthwith.

Be very clear that it is OVER FOR GOOD and you do not want further contact; any attempt at further contact will be construed as harassment.

kerala Wed 15-May-13 15:02:24

That text he sent you sent chills down my spine. I had an ex like this before I met DH and had DDs - perfectly charming and fun then he would become verbally abusive and send lots of texts like that one angry. Thankfully dumped him years ago I still shudder to think of that relationship and am now embarrassed I was ever involved in it. Am sure you will be too. At least he is not your DCs father so you dont have to have any further contact.

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 14:57:33

Yep. . It certainly is.

She would tell you to fuck off. smile Time to channel that.

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 14:47:41

MrsTerry i agree. I used the example the other day of imagining me telling my friend to stay out my life because she was a fucking waste of space and a terrible mother and then the next day asking her if she fancied walking the dogs. What would her reaction be?

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 14:43:39

Yes Kotinka, the last time it should have been easy because he had just been in full Bastard mode, even then i allowed myself to be talked round from we're over to just let me think. That's why he turned up.

One trick I used with my ex-H and have recommended to others is this. If you are caught wondering if something is acceptable or normal that he does, imagine going out into the street and asking the first person you see about the situation, unemotionally. Try to imagine what they would say.

Often the answer my mind gave me was "he did what!?!?!" We get so used to dealing with the insanity of their thoughts, we forget what is normal and acceptable.

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 14:40:46

Thumb. . Makes sense. He was talking at the weekend about how it angers him if i am having a tough time with the kids because it makes him see that we can't have a baby because apparently i can't cope with the ones i have, which is incidentally utter bollocks. I just listened and thought how fucking selfish..if i show any hint of being less than prefect he feels short changed.

kotinka Wed 15-May-13 14:37:48

I would say in these circumstances email or text would be a good choice. are you trying to avoid having a conversation where he can manipulate and pressure you again?

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 14:34:58

Thanks for the advice all..and for the words Biscuit.

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 14:32:37

Is it ok to text or email that we're through? I know i sound like a kid but daytime he is working, evening my kids are around till about 10 and i basically don't even want to talk to him.

BiscuitMillionaire Wed 15-May-13 14:31:45

Here's what you can say: 'This isn't working for me. This relationship is over. Don't contact me again. If you do try to contact me, I won't reply. Goodbye.'

And stick to it. Mean it. Don't waste your energy trying to analyse him or understand him. HE IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU OR YOUR PRECIOUS CHILDREN. Finish it. Move on.

Thumbwitch Wed 15-May-13 14:06:46

Can you not block his number completely?

He is a controlling bastard - BPD or not, he has got issues that you do NOT need to get involved with.

I had a relationship with someone that had serious issues - I forgave him so much because I knew his family background so had sympathy with him and thought I could understand where it was coming from. So maybe I could understand it - but in the meantime he was turning into a nasty controlling abuser, and I was letting him because I sympathised. Sympathy is wasted, tbh - other people have nasty backgrounds and don't become abusers. Other people have disappointments in life and don't become abusers. People CHOOSE to become abusers - this bastard knows you've put up with shit before from the narc you had DC with, and he's testing to see how far you'll let him go, in the meantime despising you for allowing him to go that far.

Whether or not he's a classic abuser, he is definitely a BULLY and you do NOT want to be with him. His definition of love is a load of shite - it's more about ownership of you. He wanted you, to himself - you went off and besmirched yourself with someone else, now his precious possession (you) is secondhand and he hates you for it, while still loving owning it.

As someone else said further upthread - he is never going to resolve this conflict because his "love" for you is not healthy and isn't love - it's obsession with ownership.

Please keep trying to get rid of him - do NOT talk to him, except one last time to tell him that if he persists in attempting to contact you, you will report him to the police for harassment. You must warn him that you will do that, and then cut all contact. Your DC do not need this person in their lives, nor do you.

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 12:18:03

I will have a look..it's easy just to let days go by because he isn't local. But it's weighing on my mind. I also am pretty sure borderline personality disorder is involved, so kind of feel some sympathy that he can't control it. I read on here about vile things partners say with uhh disorder and how the other party feel frozen and unable to reconnect after the episode. I identify with that. But i don't want to go down that route even if this suspicion became knowledge.

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 12:07:56

I need a plan to tell him straight and cut contact. I just don't want to be nasty or be a twat. And i know that sounds stupid.

kotinka Wed 15-May-13 12:04:45

(oh yes, despotic texting wink mine does that too)

kotinka Wed 15-May-13 12:03:36

have you had a look at the relationships section? there are loads of women there who've had to deal with abusive men. you might get some ideas on what your next step should be. worth a look if you have time.

keep in touch xxx

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