to object to being called a dick

(188 Posts)
Catherinethemate Sun 07-Apr-13 21:26:34

Apparently i was being a dick, as in i did something to upset my OH. He told me to shut up, then he called me a dick. I objected so he shouted SHUT UP YOU DICK! in my face. A big row eventually happened. Am i oversensitive? Does your OH say this to you? Even now when i say he shouldn't have called me it he says..don't be a dick then. If someone at work or in a social situation annoyed him i very much doubt he would shout SHUT UP DICK in their face so AIBU to find it unnacceptable???

LittleEsme Sun 05-May-13 08:43:24

I've just read this thread and only realised at the end it is a few days old. My twopennorth is that he hates and resents you for leaving him and believes you should be grateful for him taking you back. That isn't going to change. He won't magically stop believing that, ever. He will always throw it in your face and use it as a stick to beat you with. You won't ever be able to live with him because his behaviour with always hold you back (thank goodness it does).
Not only that, he hates and resents that your children exist. This is the bit I can't get my head round. How can you allow someone who feels that way to have any contact with your children? That's where you are seriously letting them down. He is abusive to you and by definition, he is abusive to them.

And this. ALL of this. Read what we are saying OP. And keep reading it. Your DC are going to suffer if you let this man back in.

Finola1step Sun 05-May-13 10:57:21

Oh OP. I've just read all of your thread.

It's clear to an outsider that the abuse boils down to him punishing you for leaving him first time round. He hates you. He will do whatever it takes to continue to punish you.

That will never change. He will never change. Don't go back. But if you do, we will be here when the abuse starts up again. Which it will.

The only person who can change this situation is you.

kotinka Sun 05-May-13 19:50:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spiritedaway Mon 06-May-13 09:31:21

Hi all. . I typed a long message on here yesterday but it wouldn't post. He expected to see me without even an apology, was in my home town for work but i refused to see him. Then a few days later he sent a long email apology/explanation about how his anger is towards my ex not me and is misdirected, that he is really cut up about the things he has said and how he can't believe how he has treated the person he loves. He said verbal abuse is abuse. To be honest i think he may be trying to explain these mood swings to himself. We have been texting but not met up in over a month. I have been reading a book called "I hate you, don't leave me" about Borderline Personality. I miss him like crazy to be honest but everything people have said on here makes sense.

He isn't angry with your ex, he is angry with you for choosing the ex. That is fucked up.

kotinka Mon 06-May-13 11:08:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spiritedaway Tue 14-May-13 21:49:31

Hi anyone, the saga continues. I had little contact with this guy for a few weeks then the regular morning, good night texts. Then a few regretful, want the best for you texts. Then him wanting to visit, me saying no point as the cycle would continue. He then basically told me to fuck off, it was my loss etc. So i did. I blocked him on Facebook, stopped texting. He then started calling and pleading. I ignored. The thing i am posting about is this text he sent which i will try to copy at the end of this post. He turned up on my doorstep this weekend, contrite. I let him in. But now just knowing i have to end things and i guess just postponing it because he has gone home miles away.

Im going to disappear off the face of the planet. Im going to make sure you never know if im alive or dead. Fucking yet again I gave you everything I had. And you do this cos you dont like the fact how complicated you've made things due to your fucking relationships.

spiritedaway Tue 14-May-13 21:52:57

That was the text he sent when i blocked him etc. He only turned contrite when i continued to ignore him. He got a bit frantic to get his own way.

kotinka Wed 15-May-13 00:17:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 07:12:20

Hi there. . He thinks it's back on. Although his talk was all positive and mine was nothing has changed. I definitely wasn't telling him straight. I wasn't overwhelmed to see him or anything. I just wanted him to go away quietly and he certainly wasn't listening to me. In fact he went from asking me to start again with no expectations, to saying if i would just put a ring on my finger everything would be ok. He really has no comprehension that saying what he said in that text is manipulative. Now i am almost back to square one in that i have to "end" it. But not square one in my feelings. I think it is a legacy from my previous mental relationship that for some reason i just don't want to rock the boat. I recognise that and guess that will be helpful if i do this freedom programme. Glad you're still around, how's things with you?

kotinka Wed 15-May-13 11:21:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 12:00:41

I know. I am already reflected feeling guilty. Thanks for sticking around. Hope you have a speedy recovery x

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 12:02:22

Reflected was a random word inserted by my phone x

kotinka Wed 15-May-13 12:03:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kotinka Wed 15-May-13 12:04:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 12:07:56

I need a plan to tell him straight and cut contact. I just don't want to be nasty or be a twat. And i know that sounds stupid.

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 12:18:03

I will have a look..it's easy just to let days go by because he isn't local. But it's weighing on my mind. I also am pretty sure borderline personality disorder is involved, so kind of feel some sympathy that he can't control it. I read on here about vile things partners say with uhh disorder and how the other party feel frozen and unable to reconnect after the episode. I identify with that. But i don't want to go down that route even if this suspicion became knowledge.

Thumbwitch Wed 15-May-13 14:06:46

Can you not block his number completely?

He is a controlling bastard - BPD or not, he has got issues that you do NOT need to get involved with.

I had a relationship with someone that had serious issues - I forgave him so much because I knew his family background so had sympathy with him and thought I could understand where it was coming from. So maybe I could understand it - but in the meantime he was turning into a nasty controlling abuser, and I was letting him because I sympathised. Sympathy is wasted, tbh - other people have nasty backgrounds and don't become abusers. Other people have disappointments in life and don't become abusers. People CHOOSE to become abusers - this bastard knows you've put up with shit before from the narc you had DC with, and he's testing to see how far you'll let him go, in the meantime despising you for allowing him to go that far.

Whether or not he's a classic abuser, he is definitely a BULLY and you do NOT want to be with him. His definition of love is a load of shite - it's more about ownership of you. He wanted you, to himself - you went off and besmirched yourself with someone else, now his precious possession (you) is secondhand and he hates you for it, while still loving owning it.

As someone else said further upthread - he is never going to resolve this conflict because his "love" for you is not healthy and isn't love - it's obsession with ownership.

Please keep trying to get rid of him - do NOT talk to him, except one last time to tell him that if he persists in attempting to contact you, you will report him to the police for harassment. You must warn him that you will do that, and then cut all contact. Your DC do not need this person in their lives, nor do you.

BiscuitMillionaire Wed 15-May-13 14:31:45

Here's what you can say: 'This isn't working for me. This relationship is over. Don't contact me again. If you do try to contact me, I won't reply. Goodbye.'

And stick to it. Mean it. Don't waste your energy trying to analyse him or understand him. HE IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU OR YOUR PRECIOUS CHILDREN. Finish it. Move on.

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 14:32:37

Is it ok to text or email that we're through? I know i sound like a kid but daytime he is working, evening my kids are around till about 10 and i basically don't even want to talk to him.

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 14:34:58

Thanks for the advice all..and for the words Biscuit.

kotinka Wed 15-May-13 14:37:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 14:40:46

Thumb. . Makes sense. He was talking at the weekend about how it angers him if i am having a tough time with the kids because it makes him see that we can't have a baby because apparently i can't cope with the ones i have, which is incidentally utter bollocks. I just listened and thought how fucking selfish..if i show any hint of being less than prefect he feels short changed.

One trick I used with my ex-H and have recommended to others is this. If you are caught wondering if something is acceptable or normal that he does, imagine going out into the street and asking the first person you see about the situation, unemotionally. Try to imagine what they would say.

Often the answer my mind gave me was "he did what!?!?!" We get so used to dealing with the insanity of their thoughts, we forget what is normal and acceptable.

spiritedaway Wed 15-May-13 14:43:39

Yes Kotinka, the last time it should have been easy because he had just been in full Bastard mode, even then i allowed myself to be talked round from we're over to just let me think. That's why he turned up.

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