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To have expected a bit more from my mother following engagement?

(85 Posts)
amandine07 Sun 07-Apr-13 13:06:06

So OH and I have just got engaged smile

The first people we told were my parents, this morning in fact. While my dad seemed rather excited and was congratulating us, my mum hardly said anything & didn't seem interested in asking any questions or details about the wedding etc, my dad lead the way asking questions when usually he's the quiet one.

I don't know what to think. My OH feels a bit deflated & on our way home he was saying that my mum didn't look that happy- he was right, even though I tried to make some excuses.
Even as we said our goodbyes, my mum was just like "oh, see you soon" to both of us, she didn't say the one word I was expecting- congratulations.

God, I feel a bit embarrassed- I'm 35 yrs old, not a teenager about to elope...now wishing I'd just sent a text or done a brief phonecall!
I mean I wasn't expecting fireworks & champagne spraying everywhere, but I was hoping for some excitement from them or even just looking half pleased for us.
AIBU...?!

amandine07 Wed 17-Apr-13 20:00:09

Thank you!

Well it remains to be seen how my mum is as we get going with the preparations. I really hope she shows some interest and enthusiasm...it's been lovely to have had such wonderful messages from friends and other family.

It just left a really horrible, sinking feeling in my stomach- that's whyi posted this thread in the first place. It wasn't about wanting the world to jump up and down screaming about our news, or even for my mum do that. I just wanted her to seem happy and give us both a hug.

I don't want this to set the tone for future relations, that's why I've not said anything so far. My OH definitely felt frostiness from my mum, he's commented that he's going to give my parents a wide berth for a while.
So, completely the opposite scenario to what i was hoping after telling my parents! sad

amandine07 Wed 17-Apr-13 19:59:43

Thank you!

Well it remains to be seen how my mum is as we get going with the preparations. I really hope she shows some interest and enthusiasm...it's been lovely to have had such wonderful messages from friends and other family.

It just left a really horrible, sinking feeling in my stomach- that's whyi posted this thread in the first place. It wasn't about wanting the world to jump up and down screaming about our news, or even for my mum do that. I just wanted her to seem happy and give us both a hug.

I don't want this to set the tone for future relations, that's why I've not said anything so far. My OH definitely felt frostiness from my mum, he's commented that he's going to give my parents a wide berth for a while.
So, completely the opposite scenario to what i was hoping after telling my parents! [

amothersplaceisinthewrong Tue 16-Apr-13 22:15:31

My Mother rang me up after we announced our engagment in person to them and said that she did not think DH was the right man, I should call the whole thing off, it would never work. That was 26 years ago and we are still going strong

in her case it was all about control....

Lovesabadboy Tue 16-Apr-13 22:11:10

Congratulations Amandine!

My mum actually reacted angrily when we told her we were engaged. sad
It was horrible and washed away our excitement.
We were 24 and 29, so not exactly youngsters!

The next day, she rang me at work (although I still lived at home, and did until we got married) to say that she had already rung the vicar to get the ball rolling. shock and was absolutely full of it!

It was obviously utter shock that had made her react in such a horrid way.

I really hope that you find it is the same with your mum. flowers

AnyoneforTurps Tue 16-Apr-13 20:44:57

Well I don't think YABU at all. Who cares if you're 35 or have lived together? It's still a very exciting step and an important new phase of your life.

Hard to know why your DM reacted like this. My mother was the same - 2 months after we got engaged, she hadn't even bothered to tell her best friend. In my DM's case, I think it was she is essentially uninterested in anything that isn't about her.

amandine07 Tue 16-Apr-13 20:25:22

Thank you!
I want to get my mum involved as much as possible but she really doesn't seem that impressed with our plan to get married!

Maybe it's all too much as my two younger siblings are getting married this year. Maybe she's hoping that as I'm the eldest I'll stay at home keep her company when she's elderly and my father is driving her insane! wink

seriouscakeeater Tue 16-Apr-13 19:32:07

Congratulations!!!!!!!!

She might be feeling old and left out...ignore and enjoy! xx

amandine07 Tue 16-Apr-13 19:11:55

Has been a great week seeing friends and other family members sharing our news- everyone has been delighted to hear that we're getting married!

Not been in touch with my mum for over a week (this is not unusual), my OH is keen for me to talk to her and find out what the problem is.

I've decided to ignore things for now and not make a big issue. To be honest, I think my mum would probably deny not being happy despite the look on her face and lack of anything positive to say.

To those who asked re the parents in law- my OH's parents live abroad in Italy and they have never met my parents and probably won't until the wedding day.
Have decided to just enjoy the moments & get planning with the OH for the wedding and our future together smile

amandine07 Tue 09-Apr-13 20:17:17

AKiss thanks a lot, yes very happy! smile
Yes it's hard as over the last few days it has been stick in my mind how my mum seemed- and how it made my OH feel.

I've decided that I don't want to turn it in to a thing and make a big deal about it, but I'm not going to forget about it soon.

Bunbaker Tue 09-Apr-13 20:06:45

OH and I lived together before we decided to get married. when we told our families no-one was at all surprised because it was "on the cards" so to speak. MIL just said "Oh I am pleased" and I can't even remember my mum's reaction. I recall feeling a little deflated by their reactions, but it didn't last long.

They were both pleased for us but just weren't the sort of people to jump up and down for joy.

Perhaps your mum is the same and perhaps she is thinking about the expense of yet another family wedding.

Congratulations anyway.

amandine07 Tue 09-Apr-13 19:59:19

zipzap thanks for the congrats..I've got younger brother & sister (18 months difference- twins). So I am the eldest.

I know my parents are contributing to my brother's wedding though am unsure how much. With my sister they are paying for her dress, although her fiancé and his family are pretty well off so I don't think they're contributing anything else.

We have not asked for any contribution at all, we're still trying to work out the budget etc. put it this way- we're not expecting a lump sum from them or anything.

Maybe it is wedding overload, but my siblings are in a different situation- one has a young baby and the other is expecting in a couple of months. They both have mortgages- they are all younger than me...me & OH want to have kids but I'm 35 already and am not prepared to wait another couple of years to get married to leave a 'suitable gap' after my siblings' wedding.
If anything I need to crack on with everything now! smile

Congratulations smile I remember your previous threads as well, glad you got the outcome you hoped for.

The first thing my mum said when we announced our engagement was 'are you sure?'. She's getting excited about the wedding now but it still hurt at the time that she couldn't congratulate us.

amandine07 Tue 09-Apr-13 19:47:32

I think they may have had a 'shotgun wedding' before I was born- I certainly don't think it was in the plan for me to appear!

amandine07 Tue 09-Apr-13 19:46:33

alibaba thank you- re TTC I just needed some timescales, not necessarily a baby RIGHT now.

Yes I've thought about it and I'm going to just leave it for now- I really don't want to make a 'thing' about it by trying to get answers.
The thing is- I wonder if my mum is even aware of how she came across although I think she must be, surely?

christmasberry no he didn't ask my father's permission, but this is something I'd never have expected him to do, nor is it something my parent have ever talked to me about.

I have never really discussed marriage with my mum although she has said on a few occasions that her & my dad are 'traditional' whatever that means as she did not elaborate.

Christmasberry Tue 09-Apr-13 01:16:37

Did he ask your dads permission? Maybe she could be upset about this if he didn't?

zipzap Tue 09-Apr-13 00:56:06

Congratulations! thanks

Maybe she is a bit overwhelmed if all her dd are getting engaged over a short time - if your other two sisters are also getting married this year, then maybe she is thinking 'OMG we promised ed1 (engaged daughter!) that we would give her £xx and it was going to be a bit of a stretch to give the same to ed2 this year too but obviously we need to treat them all the same but how are we going to afford to contribute to a third wedding without any time to save between them and how will I find not one but 3 perfect outfits and will all the guests bother to come to three family weddings in such a short time space and ed3 isn't going to get a good deal out of this as nobody will be able to afford to come to her wedding and buy her a present and we were planning on having a nice relaxing holiday after ed2's wedding and now we won't be able to to and I'll just spend the next few months having to organise everybody's wedding and I won't have any life to myself and and and and and....

(and yes, that was deliberately one reallllly long sentence - if your mum is panic-ing about things like this then there are probably a million thoughts running through her mind all competing for space and not really processing any of them.

Not of course that you are expecting any money from them or want/expect any help planning your wedding but you might find that she is expecting to (I was really quite surprised by the amount of input my mum wanted to have in planning my wedding as I'd mistakenly thought that it was my wedding but no, seems that every mum wants to have a second go at organising a wedding to do the things they got wrong or that weren't available when they got married hmm)

Kiwiinkits Tue 09-Apr-13 00:54:30

Oh yeah and they barely rustled ANY enthusiasm when DD2 was born. Don't even think there was a phone call or gift. Random. I don't think it's personal against me, just a failure on their parts to feel any joy.

Kiwiinkits Tue 09-Apr-13 00:52:46

When we told my MIL and FIL we were engaged, my FIL kept on talking and my MIL got up from the couch and walked away! Terrible response! In the end I piped up and said, "is anyone going to say congratulations?" And they dutifully did, but with no real feeling there. In contrast, my parents broke out the champagne and were all hugs and whoops. Different strokes for different folks. I can't seem to get my PILs excited about anything unless its a scandal of some sort involving the neighbours or one of their friend's children.

I have felt aggrieved about their reaction for a long time. Our relationship is a bit strained but on the whole not too bad (they are Daily Mail types; Mil seems to be a bit threatened my failure to be a Stepford)

Thumbwitch Tue 09-Apr-13 00:29:45

My mum was a bit like yours, OP - when I told her I was pregnant and showed her the ultrasound picture, she was very "Meh" about it - and said "Oh no, now I'll have a 6th grandchild", like she thought 5 was the perfect number of grandchildren or something! If I'd been having kittens she'd have been happier, I know. She wasn't thrilled about the baby or the subsequent wedding but that may have had something to do with a strange dislike of Irish Catholics (she went to a Convent school) - DH is Irish/Australian Catholic. she didn't like Australians much either; nor the fact that she expected I would be emigrating to Australia (yep)

littlemisssarcastic Mon 08-Apr-13 21:55:16

Apologies if someone else has already asked this, but does your mum actually like your OH?
Does she think he is a good man?

If she doesn't like him, this may be why she hasn't offered congratulations on your engagement. Perhaps she isn't excited at the thought of you marrying this man. hmm

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 08-Apr-13 20:21:54

Ah good news on the TTC front, I'm really pleased for you smile

Give your mum a chance to redeem herself. I wouldn't say anything, because that makes it into a 'thing'. Just carry on with your plans.

She might have just been caught on the hop and now be embarrassed that she didn't say more.

DialsMavis Mon 08-Apr-13 20:18:17

Are they paying towards the other weddings? Could she but a bit worried about affording to help with yours on top of the other 2? Does she like your PIL?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 08-Apr-13 20:11:12

Has she any reason not to like your fiancee?

amandine07 Mon 08-Apr-13 20:06:43

No I don't think it's just who she is and no fuss type- I've seen her get very animated and loud at other people's news or stories, the day i got my degree she was over the moon & had a little cry.

I think I'm feeling disappointed and a bit cross as I think I know deep down that she's maybe displayed her true feelings to not just me, but my OH too.

amandine07 Mon 08-Apr-13 20:01:41

ivehadaverybadday
Thank you! My situation is kind of the opposite to yours- OH's parents were hugely excited & over the moon when we told them.

My OH feels even more uncomfortable with my parents now thanks to my mum's reaction- and this in turn has compounded my disappointment as he's asking whether my parents genuinely like him & if they really want me to marry him- not that it matters, we're getting married anyway!

I really don't like the way it has made him feel, especially as his parents' reactions were such an extreme contrast...almost feel embarrassed that my mum has reacted like this. He says I need to talk to my mum about it- I've tried to reassure him that they do like him but it feels a bit hollow when he's actually been sat there & seen my mum's underwhelmed reaction to our news sad

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