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Am I a boring sexual partner? Honest opinions please

(89 Posts)
higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 09:50:14

I have posted about our non existant sex ife before but rather than drip feed, I wanted to tell the whole story to date. Sorry if this is breaking any MN etiquette rules, I just really need some other people's perspectives.

My partner and I have been together for 6 years and have young DC. Our sex life was good in the beginning though not as passionate/frequent/wild as I would have liked. I never said anything to my partner because everything else was so perfect and we were so happy. The sex was definitely wonderful enough it was just that there was never a crazy, can't get enough of each other phase at the start. It was as though we went straight to 'relationship' sex if that makes sense.

My partner is a cannabis addict and I've always known this. He finally gave up recently. He has given up for months at a time in the past on my insistence.

A few days ago I discovered a porn website on his laptop and confronted him. He eventually stopped lying about it and admitted he uses porn to masturbate 4-5 nights a week. I am floored by this. I had no idea. He is a great guy, not sleazy or weird. He has a very successful career and everyone thinks very highly of him.

Our sex life dwindled after our first DC was born. He stopped making an effort with sex, he kind of did the 'wham beam thank you ma'am' thing a couple of times. In other words, there was no foreplay and he was disconnected from me. He also stopped making an effort in any area of our relationship - thoughtless birthday presents bought at the last minute, never taking me out or on a date, there was no romance.

We went almost 2 years with no sex at all, and in the last few years it's been 3-4 times a year when I initiate it.

We talked last night and he is going to seek counselling. He says he stopped bothering with sex with me because it was boring - 2 positions and predictable. Over the years there have been many times I have cried, screamed and begged him for an explanation as to why he doesn't want sex but even then he couldn't do it, he preferred to masturbate to porn.

I need some male perspectives on the lack of sex. Obviously the porn and cannabis have contributed, but it goes deeper than that. In every area of our lives I am the driving force. If I don't do something, it does not get done. It seems he wants the same in our sex life. As a woman, and for me to feel like a woman, I need something from him in this area. I need a dinner date, some romance, for him to initiate more adventurous sex.

H said something which I am having real problems understanding. He said his ex girlfriends have always initiated new positions, oral sex, trying something new or 'dirty'. They would say to him 'lie there and let me do thing to you'. I haven't ever done that for him.

It makes me feel more sexy, more feminine, when the man initiates new things in bed. That's not to say I just want to lie there - of course I am intuit and respond and reciprocate, but I just want him to take the lead in this one area because in everything else I have to wear the trousers.

Or is it that he just has a warped sense of what good sex is? Based on porn. I feel really sad. Any perspectives on this will be much appreciated.

BinksToEnlightenment Sat 06-Apr-13 21:23:31

This is not a good relationship, op. You're staying with someone who can never give you what you need. I can relate to you with your past, and I do appreciate the effect your need to prove yourself has, but this is not the way to do it.

Prove to yourself how far you've come since childhood by having the courage to leave a bad relationship and be happy through independence.

This is so much more than bad sex. It's fundamental incompatibility.

Please believe me that you'll be happier without the burden of trying to be someone you're not on your shoulders.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 21:03:15

"Yes I am projecting onto him my romantic ideals and that's not fair. Maybe he feels he cannot ever match up to my high standards and expectations"

^ this is the bit I mean

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 21:01:43

I can't help noticing that you turn criticisms of him onto yourself. I don't think you do have high expectations (in fact your acceptance of him despite his cannabis addiction suggests your standards were a bit low) .

That's fine - you know him and are trying to be scrupulously fair. But to me, he just seems like an arse.

anonymosity Sat 06-Apr-13 19:59:17

I am sorry to say it but you just sound completely mis-matched and that whatever you had between you has run its course. I am so sorry though because if you have DCs, which you do, then its going to be tougher to walk away. I hope you find some resolution.

Dozer Sat 06-Apr-13 18:55:42

Leave the bastard.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 18:48:05

I know I haven't said so in my post, but I DID talk to him about the proposal, many, many times. I explained why it was important to me, that I needed him to keep his promise etc etc.

Yeah I have been a bit of a silly cow about the actual proposal. He did make an effort.

I've tried talking to him so many times but it's just pointless. He says nothing, then eventually shouts at me and leaves the room/goes for a cigarette/goes to bed. He doesn't do talking. It's another one of my frustrations in the relationship.

Bartlebee Sat 06-Apr-13 18:05:39

My friend is a relationship counsellor and says that porn users she sees frequently have shit sex lives.

He sounds like an utter twat and you're never going to be enough for him. No real person is.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sat 06-Apr-13 17:57:43

Activation emails? Doesn't that mean he has registered with them though?

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sat 06-Apr-13 17:55:57

Higher I didn't mean it in a nasty way, honest. It's hard to say it's 'this' or 'this' - it's more just in the way you write things. I think it's caused by your childhood and aggrivated by living with this selfish twat though really sad

A couple of the 'more obvious' bits would be

...(he said that) he would propose - before I gave birth. And he never did. And I've always resented him for it deep down. I didn't want to 'give' him good sex because he didn't do what he's promised and what I needed from him

Why didn't you talk to him about it, rather than build up resentment? Maybe he felt the time wasn't right for a number of different reasons?

He did propose properly about 6 months after our baby was born, but by then I wanted a 'grand gesture', as in he whisks me away or takes me somewhere special to propose. Bt he didn't, he cooked me a meal at home. And he bought me a 'temporary' ring rather than the real thing

Not all men are made of Mills & Boon stuff - sadly. Most of them are just fairly normal human beings who lack the capacity to mind read and having been 'knocked back' previously, maybe he was worried you'd say no again?

It's ok for him to have flaws - we all have flaws. I am angry that he doesn't try to help himself even though he can see the negative impact on our family and me

Can he see the impact it's having though?

Yes I am projecting onto him my romantic ideals and that's not fair. Maybe he feels he cannot ever match up to my high standards and expectations

In all honesty, I expect he can't. I also think if you get into another relationship you need to be able to 'talk' more about what you need and not just expect someone else to know what you need (errm, I didn't learn this the easy way myself!!! blush)

He is an ARSE, no doubt about it! You will be MUCH better of without him and his horrible attitude. I only really said it so you would think about it for your own happiness & future relationships iyswim.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 17:48:41

I can't be certain he has looked at these sites. The emails, they are activation emails and I think they have been generated from the other sleazy porn sites he's been looking at. When I log into his account, there is no activity. He hasn't filled out a profile.

I have just seen a message come up from his dealer though on his mobile. He has ordered more cannabis. Probably to help him deal with the fall out of all this. He's so f***ing weak. I can't stand it. It's so draining 'babysitting' him.

danielle1981 Sat 06-Apr-13 17:43:01

Time to make some ground rules if you have even a small chance of saving him

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 06-Apr-13 17:39:29

Welcome to mumsnet, Eastlands. It's possible to be honest and compassionate, y'know.

NicholasTeakozy Sat 06-Apr-13 17:38:40

I've just RTFT and I'm astounded at his idiocy. For a man to compare his partner unfavourably to other women, let alone porn 'actresses', is frankly not on. That he blames you for his deficiencies is beyond appalling, he really should have a good look at himself first.

I see that he's been looking around dating sites. What an utter tosser. I'm so sorry, not all of us are like your H.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 17:36:45

We're not married. He owns our home. I own another house that we don't live in. We don't have anything jointly.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 17:34:57

Chipping sorry not eggs.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 17:34:11

I sound like quite hard work from my posts Eggs. Ok, I'll take that on the chin. What made you say that? Asking because as I've said previously, I know this situation is down to both of us it takes two.

eastlands Sat 06-Apr-13 17:00:04

"Your agenda is unwelcome here."

The OP asked for honest opinions, and a male perspective. Maybe it is you who has not read the thread properly.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sat 06-Apr-13 16:59:08

Sorry, cross posted, I wrote that before you'd even found the emails sad

You will be better off without him.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sat 06-Apr-13 16:55:13

Here's a hand and a hug.

I'm sorry to say it, but your relationship sounds beyond salvaging to me sad

He sounds like a complete wanker and if I were to be totally honest, you sound like quite hard work. I think you would be better off apart and even though you suffered through your parents separating, it's no so uncommon these days and your DC wont feel the way you did. This relationship isn't doing any of you any good sad

Crawling Sat 06-Apr-13 16:54:52

Im a tomboy and most of my sexual partners were mates who unfortuatly treated me like one of the guys and I was involved in many discussions about things id rather not be including their porn use.

As I am the same woman I doubt I can be acceptable in bed to one and not another.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Apr-13 16:54:26

Eastlands, have you picked up on the OP's distress at all ?

Your agenda is unwelcome here.

Best you withdraw with whatever grace you can find within yourself.

eastlands Sat 06-Apr-13 16:54:10

Anyway I agree that if he's joined a site looking for 'encounters' the relationship is beyond salvage. Time to move on.

eastlands Sat 06-Apr-13 16:50:50

"how good they are directly responds to how much porn they use."

Or to look at it another way, the worse the sex is, the more they have to resort to looking at porn.

Although it's highly dubious that you have an accurate perception of the level of porn use of your partners.

b4bunnies Sat 06-Apr-13 16:50:17

my goodness. hand for holding here. don't panic.

if this means your relationship is over, it will be a blessed release. even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

it is not your fault. he's a weirdo. change the locks. keep the car, dog and all documents. and of course, the children.

be strong. this is your chance of freedom. if you don't act now you'll be seen as condoning his behaviour and it won't look good on divorce documents - are you married? you mentioned marriage. you need all his bank statements, bills, everything. get them to a safe place.

don't think. just act in your own interests and that of your offspring. you can think in two years' time when you're free of him. don't talk to him about it. silently get it done.

Crawling Sat 06-Apr-13 16:50:12

Oh higher ground im so sorry.

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