Am I a boring sexual partner? Honest opinions please

(89 Posts)
higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 09:50:14

I have posted about our non existant sex ife before but rather than drip feed, I wanted to tell the whole story to date. Sorry if this is breaking any MN etiquette rules, I just really need some other people's perspectives.

My partner and I have been together for 6 years and have young DC. Our sex life was good in the beginning though not as passionate/frequent/wild as I would have liked. I never said anything to my partner because everything else was so perfect and we were so happy. The sex was definitely wonderful enough it was just that there was never a crazy, can't get enough of each other phase at the start. It was as though we went straight to 'relationship' sex if that makes sense.

My partner is a cannabis addict and I've always known this. He finally gave up recently. He has given up for months at a time in the past on my insistence.

A few days ago I discovered a porn website on his laptop and confronted him. He eventually stopped lying about it and admitted he uses porn to masturbate 4-5 nights a week. I am floored by this. I had no idea. He is a great guy, not sleazy or weird. He has a very successful career and everyone thinks very highly of him.

Our sex life dwindled after our first DC was born. He stopped making an effort with sex, he kind of did the 'wham beam thank you ma'am' thing a couple of times. In other words, there was no foreplay and he was disconnected from me. He also stopped making an effort in any area of our relationship - thoughtless birthday presents bought at the last minute, never taking me out or on a date, there was no romance.

We went almost 2 years with no sex at all, and in the last few years it's been 3-4 times a year when I initiate it.

We talked last night and he is going to seek counselling. He says he stopped bothering with sex with me because it was boring - 2 positions and predictable. Over the years there have been many times I have cried, screamed and begged him for an explanation as to why he doesn't want sex but even then he couldn't do it, he preferred to masturbate to porn.

I need some male perspectives on the lack of sex. Obviously the porn and cannabis have contributed, but it goes deeper than that. In every area of our lives I am the driving force. If I don't do something, it does not get done. It seems he wants the same in our sex life. As a woman, and for me to feel like a woman, I need something from him in this area. I need a dinner date, some romance, for him to initiate more adventurous sex.

H said something which I am having real problems understanding. He said his ex girlfriends have always initiated new positions, oral sex, trying something new or 'dirty'. They would say to him 'lie there and let me do thing to you'. I haven't ever done that for him.

It makes me feel more sexy, more feminine, when the man initiates new things in bed. That's not to say I just want to lie there - of course I am intuit and respond and reciprocate, but I just want him to take the lead in this one area because in everything else I have to wear the trousers.

Or is it that he just has a warped sense of what good sex is? Based on porn. I feel really sad. Any perspectives on this will be much appreciated.

Kinnane Sat 06-Apr-13 14:00:31

I think he is probably quite happy and content - he has everything he needs - and maybe it's all about him!! rather than giving much thought to anyone else.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 15:51:55

ifnotnow, yes you would be right in that his mum all but wiped his arse for him befor he left home. She still does to some extent. Even once he left home he still had his mum cooking and cleaning for him.

I feel so depressed. Where do we go from here? I don't want to separate. But what if he never changes.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Apr-13 16:00:05

How can you still want to make it work ? I don't understand.

This man is

1) an habitual drug user

2) has detached from your relationship

3) has a porn habit and throws it in your face to the detriment of your own self esteem

4) is shit in bed and blames it on you

What is there to work on ?

Xenia Sat 06-Apr-13 16:07:40

I think a lot of it she likes about him, just the sex/relationship bit is bad.
It sounds like before you married neither of you checked for compatibility - he wants a woman in charge and you want a man in charge. Instead you both picked someone who was sexually the total opposite of what you both need and now you're stuck with it so he masturbates and you wait around for the 4 times a year you can nag him into some kind of sex.

So the answer is to talk about it, see someone (eg a sex therapist), each do some things the other wants even if you or he doesn't like it, compromise, look at his porn - lots of women have no problem with porn by the way, see if there is any porn or erotic you might like and he could share with you, try to spend more time together so you feel closer.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Apr-13 16:11:00

OP, don't stoop so low as to ask him to "share his porn" with you, after everything he has said. It will make you feel even more like shit.

Crawling Sat 06-Apr-13 16:26:30

I am quite adventurous in bed but with someone like him I wouldnt put effort in im afraid.

I think the issue here is porn ive had a variety of boyfriends and the best sex was with non porn users. Rare porn users are okay in bed but porn addicts are just crap.

They expect everything done and they dont put any effort in they want a porn movie but forget that they are nowhere near being like a pornstar themselves in bed.

If me and dp split up I wouldnt go out with a porn user they are not as good in bed, among other reasons. Enough reasons not to ever use porn imo.

You dont sound like the problem here.

eastlands Sat 06-Apr-13 16:34:07

You'll get a lot of opinions here that porn use is your issue but it doesn't sound like he's addicted, rather he uses it as a relief due to your non existent sex life. Just because a man uses porn doesn't mean he has unrealistic expectations of sex - it's often either because sex is too much hassle or not available and he just wants a quick relief, or he does not find the sex on offer to be exciting so can't be bothered with it. Even many men with good sex lives use porn with no knock on effect to their relationship.

The majority of men don't compare normal women to porn stars, thats another silly misconception, and insulting to the intelligence of men in general. Do women compare all their boyfriends to the male celebs they drool over in magazines? Of course not.

Your issue does sound very much like he doesn't find sex interesting and enjoyable enough to put the effort in to get it, and your refusal to ever initiate anything is almost certainly a large contributory factor. He may well be just as much at fault as you, but do not fall into the trap of putting it all down to porn when that may not even have anything to do with your problems at all.

Crawling Sat 06-Apr-13 16:37:39

Take eastlands im sure as he advocates porn he is probably crap in bed.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Apr-13 16:38:34

You haven't RTFT have you, eastlands ?

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 16:38:49

Oh god. I have just found emails in his deleted folder with his membership confirmations to 3 sites for meeting people for sex. Flirt, Shagaholic and Be Naughty.

I am shaking. Please someone hold my hand.

eastlands Sat 06-Apr-13 16:40:40

Thanks for that comprehensive rebuke crawling. I'll boil it down more to your level:

"I can't get a job"

Daily Mail: Blame immigrants.

"My boyfriend isn't interested in sex with me".

Mumsnet: Blame porn.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Apr-13 16:43:13

Habitual porn use is known to, in some cases where an individual's boundaries and moral compasses are fucked, escalate to seeking out RL sexual experiences outside of a primary relationship

I am sorry, OP. No doubt he will blame that on you too.

Crawling Sat 06-Apr-13 16:46:13

I dont need to be more comprehensive I have had many sexual partners and how good they are directly responds to how much porn they use.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 16:48:50

He may have already been unfaithful. How can I know, how can I ever know when he lies, lies, lies.

This is the deal breaker. He has looked for it, whether he has done anything or not.

I knew, I just knew there was more to come.

Crawling Sat 06-Apr-13 16:50:12

Oh higher ground im so sorry.

b4bunnies Sat 06-Apr-13 16:50:17

my goodness. hand for holding here. don't panic.

if this means your relationship is over, it will be a blessed release. even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

it is not your fault. he's a weirdo. change the locks. keep the car, dog and all documents. and of course, the children.

be strong. this is your chance of freedom. if you don't act now you'll be seen as condoning his behaviour and it won't look good on divorce documents - are you married? you mentioned marriage. you need all his bank statements, bills, everything. get them to a safe place.

don't think. just act in your own interests and that of your offspring. you can think in two years' time when you're free of him. don't talk to him about it. silently get it done.

eastlands Sat 06-Apr-13 16:50:50

"how good they are directly responds to how much porn they use."

Or to look at it another way, the worse the sex is, the more they have to resort to looking at porn.

Although it's highly dubious that you have an accurate perception of the level of porn use of your partners.

eastlands Sat 06-Apr-13 16:54:10

Anyway I agree that if he's joined a site looking for 'encounters' the relationship is beyond salvage. Time to move on.

AnyFucker Sat 06-Apr-13 16:54:26

Eastlands, have you picked up on the OP's distress at all ?

Your agenda is unwelcome here.

Best you withdraw with whatever grace you can find within yourself.

Crawling Sat 06-Apr-13 16:54:52

Im a tomboy and most of my sexual partners were mates who unfortuatly treated me like one of the guys and I was involved in many discussions about things id rather not be including their porn use.

As I am the same woman I doubt I can be acceptable in bed to one and not another.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sat 06-Apr-13 16:55:13

Here's a hand and a hug.

I'm sorry to say it, but your relationship sounds beyond salvaging to me sad

He sounds like a complete wanker and if I were to be totally honest, you sound like quite hard work. I think you would be better off apart and even though you suffered through your parents separating, it's no so uncommon these days and your DC wont feel the way you did. This relationship isn't doing any of you any good sad

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sat 06-Apr-13 16:59:08

Sorry, cross posted, I wrote that before you'd even found the emails sad

You will be better off without him.

eastlands Sat 06-Apr-13 17:00:04

"Your agenda is unwelcome here."

The OP asked for honest opinions, and a male perspective. Maybe it is you who has not read the thread properly.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 17:34:11

I sound like quite hard work from my posts Eggs. Ok, I'll take that on the chin. What made you say that? Asking because as I've said previously, I know this situation is down to both of us it takes two.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 17:34:57

Chipping sorry not eggs.

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