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Am I a boring sexual partner? Honest opinions please

(89 Posts)
higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 09:50:14

I have posted about our non existant sex ife before but rather than drip feed, I wanted to tell the whole story to date. Sorry if this is breaking any MN etiquette rules, I just really need some other people's perspectives.

My partner and I have been together for 6 years and have young DC. Our sex life was good in the beginning though not as passionate/frequent/wild as I would have liked. I never said anything to my partner because everything else was so perfect and we were so happy. The sex was definitely wonderful enough it was just that there was never a crazy, can't get enough of each other phase at the start. It was as though we went straight to 'relationship' sex if that makes sense.

My partner is a cannabis addict and I've always known this. He finally gave up recently. He has given up for months at a time in the past on my insistence.

A few days ago I discovered a porn website on his laptop and confronted him. He eventually stopped lying about it and admitted he uses porn to masturbate 4-5 nights a week. I am floored by this. I had no idea. He is a great guy, not sleazy or weird. He has a very successful career and everyone thinks very highly of him.

Our sex life dwindled after our first DC was born. He stopped making an effort with sex, he kind of did the 'wham beam thank you ma'am' thing a couple of times. In other words, there was no foreplay and he was disconnected from me. He also stopped making an effort in any area of our relationship - thoughtless birthday presents bought at the last minute, never taking me out or on a date, there was no romance.

We went almost 2 years with no sex at all, and in the last few years it's been 3-4 times a year when I initiate it.

We talked last night and he is going to seek counselling. He says he stopped bothering with sex with me because it was boring - 2 positions and predictable. Over the years there have been many times I have cried, screamed and begged him for an explanation as to why he doesn't want sex but even then he couldn't do it, he preferred to masturbate to porn.

I need some male perspectives on the lack of sex. Obviously the porn and cannabis have contributed, but it goes deeper than that. In every area of our lives I am the driving force. If I don't do something, it does not get done. It seems he wants the same in our sex life. As a woman, and for me to feel like a woman, I need something from him in this area. I need a dinner date, some romance, for him to initiate more adventurous sex.

H said something which I am having real problems understanding. He said his ex girlfriends have always initiated new positions, oral sex, trying something new or 'dirty'. They would say to him 'lie there and let me do thing to you'. I haven't ever done that for him.

It makes me feel more sexy, more feminine, when the man initiates new things in bed. That's not to say I just want to lie there - of course I am intuit and respond and reciprocate, but I just want him to take the lead in this one area because in everything else I have to wear the trousers.

Or is it that he just has a warped sense of what good sex is? Based on porn. I feel really sad. Any perspectives on this will be much appreciated.

RatPants Sat 06-Apr-13 09:56:56

Ok so he has been honest and it's very hurtful. Porn and cannabis are both big problems to lots of sexual relationships but those aside....

You can't take full responsibility for a sex life involving two people. Has he ever initiated something new, done something to change the routine himself if he is bored? Has he ever told you this before?

. He has failed to communicate any of this with you, put any effort in and withdrawn instead. If he has told you this earlier, would you at least have been willing to try it ocassionally? But I bet the last thing you feel like doing now is having sex with him. He is at least as much to blame as you.

I think his view has become warped. Good sex can be had with just one position.

Why is it just your role to initiate new positions etc? Although I agree that you should initiate sometimes, it should not all fall to you.

He needs to stop using porn and you both need to sit down and talk about what you want. Then you both need to make an effort to please each other.

fatfingers Sat 06-Apr-13 09:58:07

I don't think the problem is you at all, I think its him. Tbh he sounds like a lazy, entitled man who thinks he should be able to sit there/lie there and the little woman will run round doing everything for him.

Note that these marvellous, adventurous women he speaks of are his EX gfs i.e. not prepared to give blow jobs to an idle chauvinist for the rest of their lives with nothing in return.

RatPants Sat 06-Apr-13 09:58:49

I'm not a man, sorry, just spotted that.

Mumsyblouse Sat 06-Apr-13 10:06:14

Clever him, he's been a lazy lover, not even bothering with you for years, and he's now managed to make sure this is completely your fault!

I think it is extremely doubtful that he stopped having sex with you as it was 'too boring', the men I know would carry on in this situation whilst wishing for a bit extra.

So- according to him, his porn addiction (which I think is an addiction if it's every night and he would rather do that than do the deed with you) and his cannabis addiction and general lack of sex are all down to your inability to do more than two positions.

What do you think? (I know what I think)

HollyBerryBush Sat 06-Apr-13 10:08:21

He is deflecting his own inadequacies on to you.

Cannabis would be the deal breaker for me. I would not have that in my house.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 10:08:35

I don't think that if I just become more adventurous in the bedroom it will make everything ok.

I feel as though he is not there with me emotionally when we have sex. He has admitted he is visualising the women in the porn videos when we're having sex. Occasionally I alone have been enough to turn him on and he has actually thought about me during sex. Occasionally as in once or twice.

I cannot bring myself to be open and free and adventurous and less guarded, more vulnerable, with him during sex, because I don't feel attractive to him. He wants huge boobs and bottoms, I am slim and have lost most of my curves after 3 pregnancies and breast feeding.

If he made me feel sexy and 'wanted', the adventurousness would come. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I need a man the make me feel completely secure and desirable in order for me to get to that place where I can let go and be more free and adventurous in bed. I have had this in past relationships, just never with him.

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 06-Apr-13 10:09:53

I think this is com

FarBetterNow Sat 06-Apr-13 10:10:12

I'm not an man either, but the cannabis is a major issue and 99% the cause of his lack of drive in his life.
I think he is addicted to the cannabis and porn - he probably goes off into all sorts of fantasies whilst wanking.

His idea of sex is purely for him having pleasure - he is too selfish to even enjoy giving you pleasure.
I'm speaking as someone whose XH had and still has cannabis addiction and I've watched my DD relationship with her husband fall apart for the same reason.
My son-in-law would give up cannabis for a few weeks and then start again.
He blames my DD for all their problems, nothing is his fault.

I think you must feel like you've been kicked in the belly.

Best wishes to you.

Mumsyblouse Sat 06-Apr-13 10:13:46

So, according to him or the way he makes you feel, you haven't got the right body, you don't do the right things and it's all up to you to initiate sex with him or it won't happen. Telling you he is thinking about porn stars instead of you is extremely undermining.

He is the one with the problem, as someone else said, he's projecting all this onto you (how convenient that it is your fault and not his, now he doesn't have to change in the slightest!)

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 10:15:04

I agree he has these issues to work through, and I will help and support him. But I will also have periods of complete anger and resentment. I am questioning our entire relationship. He has sought counselling so he is taking steps.

But what if he cannot change a lifetime of 'objectifying' women during sex? What if has never had real loving sex and doesn't know how to? What if he's just inherently lazy and can never change?

I could leave him but I come from a broken home myself and cannot inflict that damage onto my children. I find myself looking at other men and imagining having an affair, craving passionate sex with someone who actually wants me.

Branleuse Sat 06-Apr-13 10:16:15

Tell him that if hes not even the kind of man who can take the lead in bed, or even be bothered to have sex because hed rather sit in front of his computer and wank, then it really doesnt inspire you to swing from the chandaliers either, and if his ex girlfriends were so hot, then maybe he should just fuck off back to them, cos THEY worked out really well didnt they?

Hes being a cunt, and totally deflecting his own inadequacies, back onto you.
Dont take it to heart xxx

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 06-Apr-13 10:16:29

Posted too soon I meant its completely his issue not yours. By the sounds of it from watching too much porn- which us very make pleasure orientated he justs expects you to do all the work.

I agree with you I like a man to make the moves if makes me feel sexy and wanted. I sometimes wear a dress where dp can see I have stockings on and he always makes a move- it might be worth a try.

It also doesn't sound like your sex life has ever been what you both wanted its maybe worth getting a bottle of wine in and having an open discussion about both your fantasies and expectations- it seems like you know his but he doesn't know yours.

Is watching pirn together something you would consider?

Have you thought about one of those sex bans where you start off with kissing and massarges and over a month build up to oral sex then sex- anticipation always makes things better.

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 06-Apr-13 10:20:06

Also do you really think the issue is your sex life or him being selfish in general putting his wants and needs above your feelings

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 10:20:22

It's his issue.

Imfeel angry reading this thread, on your behalf. I'm sorry, he sounds like a waste of space who is now becoming a wanker by blaming you for everything.

Sorry.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 10:22:38

Branleuse I would LOVE to say exactly that to him. I know that it's not ALL down to him, that I have played a part because it takes two. I am just trying to get over the way this has left me feeling. If I cannot get over my body confidence issues - ie: I feel embarrassed to take off my bra because my boobs don't look like the women on his porn sites. If I can't get over that, how are we ever going to have a good sex life?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 06-Apr-13 10:25:00

Sorry, that was intemperate.

It sounds to me as if he has always been lazy and the cannabis use is symptomatic of his inabilty to face life as it really is.

I cannot imagine you really wanting to have sex with a man like that. Please do not let him grind your confidence down.

Mumsyblouse Sat 06-Apr-13 10:27:16

So, his blame game has worked to some extent. It is ridiculous to suppose that you can change this by taking off your bra, he's not interested in sex and hasn't been for several years and quite frankly, even if you were Pammy Andersen, I think it's unlikely he would be interested as he is addicted to porn which is undemanding, has no needs of its own and he doens't have to make an effort.

Normal people like people with normal bodies and would have sex with your bra on if it was such a big deal. He has massive issues and you are not going to be able to deal with them by suddenly becoming more liberated, especially as he never initiates sex.

Wannabestepfordwife Sat 06-Apr-13 10:29:07

Op there is only so many times of being turned down anyone can take before they stop trying so don't blame yourself.

I don't know how to link but the dm recently did an arrival of pirn stars before and after make up believe me it will make you feel better.

And pornstars tits didn't look like pornstars tits before the majority had surgery.

He possibly feels inadequate in other areas of your relationship so has manipulated the situation to place the blame on you.
Is it only your sexual relationship? Or has he previously blamed you for his other failings? (Drug abuse, lack of motivation etc)

He is lazy and selfish.
Porn sex is not real, but when used as frequently as he is using it warps definitions of good sex.

I can't believe he expects to just lie there whilst you do all the work!

And I would suggest watching porn together is a terrible idea. It will give him the opportunity to say "See? Why can't you do that?", and reinforce his ideas that what he wanks to nightly is normal sex.

Makes me so angry on your behalf, op.

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 10:34:50

I haven't kept my bra on in the past during sex, but after this I can't imagine exposing my body to him or at least the parts I'm a little self conscious about, because I am so far off what he gets turned on by.

Thank you for all the responses, they are very much appreciated.

I suppose in a nutshell I don't feel 'desirable' enough to be more liberated and less conservative in bed. And him fantasising about other women when he has sex with me isn't helping.

So why don't I feel desirable?? I always have done in the past. My body isn't what it was after children, and I don't feel we have a loving connection during sex. He's always wanting to flip me over therefore not look at my face. I also resent him for not making an effort to take me out on dates or do anything romantic.

b4bunnies Sat 06-Apr-13 10:35:00

am i a boring sexual partner? honest opinions please
goodness, its been such a long time, i can hardly remember confused. perhaps we should...oh, sorry blush, I see what you mean grin

hello again

together you didn’t share good sex even at the start of the relationship – you wanted more, but kept quiet. lack of communication – if he’d been open to communication, you would have told him.

cannabis addiction – reducing not only desire but also size of your relevant bits. google it. have a quiet laugh.

porn – as i said the other day, he probably finds it easier than doing the negotiation needed for excellent sex, or for any sex.

no effort in the relationship – very common in men who are married or have children. they think that box is ticked, no more work to do. they don’t know that sex is 24/7, involving all the things you say and do in between.

we went almost 2 years with no sex at all, and in the last few years it's been 3-4 times a year when I initiate it. – this is in a six-year relationship? get out of it. you’ll never get the sex you need.

we talked last night and he is going to seek counselling – hope it works.

he says he stopped bothering with sex with me because it was boring - 2 positions and predictable – maybe. did he ask you for something different at the time? lack of communication.

i need some male perspectives – not male but i love to give my opinion

i am the driving force – he’s passive and lazy. but could he also have a condition, say a communication-linked one, that holds him back?

i need a dinner date, some romance, for him to initiate more adventurous sex – maybe you two are just incompatible.

i haven't ever done that for him. It makes me feel more sexy, more feminine, when … - so he doesn’t care what you want, and you don’t care what he wants, really, do you?

i just want him to take the lead in this one area because in everything else - so sex is your preferred battleground? or do you want to be boss everywhere but in bed?

or is it that he just has a warped sense of what good sex is, based on porn – maybe. but even so, there are things you could do to improve your relationship.

i’m sorry you’re sad. but taken overall, is this relationship worth the effort it would take, from both of you, to make it right?

BreasticlesNTesticles Sat 06-Apr-13 10:36:19

What a complete arse shock

Really! What a self interested, selfish, misogynistic, hurtful, selfish prick. Did I mention selfish?

He told you he fantasises about other women?!!!!

He is shit in bend and blaming you. Seriously.

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