To think fertility is a completely unfair lottery

(119 Posts)
Dancingthroughthefire Thu 04-Apr-13 22:19:31

There's philpott breeding left right and centre and being the most horrific parent.

And then there's us, struggling to conceive. Been told dh is basically infertile and we will likely never conceive naturally.

Where is the justice? I know it is just luck and it shouldn't make me so angry but it's so unfair.

BeaLola Fri 05-Apr-13 17:32:16

YANBU life is what it is .. random & it happens - the only guarantee is that you are born & that you will die

Yes in an ideal world Philpott etc would not exist/be able to have children but it is not ideal. in my day to day job I see so many women/young teenagers etc popping them out & not caring & I have had 5 mc.

HOWEVER I have a beautiful 5 year old DS who we adopted last year & whom I love & adore beyond reason. He is being really annoying today -cooped up in bad easter hols weather with poorly Mummy & yet he has still made me smile , laugh & my heart grow .

All the best to you OP - hope you get to feel as happy as I do

No, I wouldn't. I am happyish with who I am.

It's just there is posts on this thread even about women who have been seen smoking while pregnant, yes that's not good but would anyone really wish that they couldn't have children because of it?

It isn't fair that some people have so many problems, in an ideal world no one would.

fallon8 Fri 05-Apr-13 17:36:32

Ok..my hairdresser is 21...her boyfriend is 38. He has 5 children by different women,has had a vasectomy.she wants a baby too and therefore is eligible for treatment,why should I pay for that? Why can't he get a job ?

CarpeVinum Fri 05-Apr-13 17:39:38

why should I pay for that? Why can't he get a job ?

Right. Am now deeply confused.

Possibly in need of a cornetto so I up my blood sugar and things start to make sense again ?

expatinscotland Fri 05-Apr-13 17:43:29

What OMDB and Harlem said, there's no such thing as 'fairness', it's a useless concept when it comes to life. It just is.

MrsDeVere Fri 05-Apr-13 17:45:51

OP you have my utmost sympathies. You must be feeling dreadful right now. I sincerely hope you get the family you want, whatever path you take.

But please don't say 'breed'. Don't reduce those poor dead children to the level of drowned kittens. He also has living children who were also born, not bred.

Life is unfair. In so many, many ways. My DD should be at university. Not reduced to ashes in an urn in my living room. My OH shouldn't have MS and my DS should have been looked after and cherished by his birth mother. I have three other children too.

So I have been lucky to have five children in my life. Five beautiful children. My life is still pretty crap if I am honest.

But it would be much worse without my children so I wish you yours and hope you don't have to wait too long.

MiaowTheCat Fri 05-Apr-13 19:10:53

OP - it's shit, it really is... and there's nothing really anyone can say to make it feel less shit when it's at its shittest.

It drove me into depression and almost to the brink of suicide (and some of the twuntish comments other people have mentioned about how negatively you can be judged without children didn't help one jot either) and then by some utter fluke of sheer massive, epic, lottery-winning level of luck - things just happened after 6 years and three miscarried children (one singleton pregnancy, one twin) and we got one who stayed put for almost a full pregnancy (she came prematurely)... and then I got pregnant almost immediately after again - so all my dreams came true in a double-dose and I ended up with two children in just under the space of a year.

It doesn't mean I've ever forgotten how utterly shit it was when the hope was gone (we never ever got an answer as to why we couldn't conceive), or how hurtful it was getting the negative judging and comments over having no kids - and it doesn't mean I don't share your thoughts that it IS bloody unfair when people who don't look after or love their kids can have a seemingly endless procession of them.

HesterShaw Fri 05-Apr-13 19:43:48

So many sad stories on this thread. And so many strong women.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FarBetterNow Fri 05-Apr-13 20:29:00

Male and female fertility can be affected by mineral & vitamin deficiencies.
It is a scientific fact that foods have lower nutritional content than they had 50 years ago, so even eating a seemingly healthy diet may still result in nutitional deficiency.
There are many natural ways of increasing fertility and hormone levels, but unfortuneatly these don't make lots of money for IVF clinics.
I don't mean to offend anyone by stating this.
I have suffered infertility too many years ago and I remember the anguish it caused.

honeytea Fri 05-Apr-13 20:53:51

Unfortunatly life is an unfair lottery and all of us posting on this thread are winners in so many ways, we all have internet access, I assume clean water, a home, the ability to read and write.

It took a long time for me to get pregnant, we have both male and female fertility issues. I found that it was important to remember that no matter how many people become pregnant/have babies thay are not decreasing your chances, your fertility issues belong to you.

Be thankful that you live in a time and place where fertility treatments are an option.

sad for a lot of your stories.

Shro, I see were you're coming from, but I too am sometimes appalled at the shere apparant randomness of Life in General.
Shit happens to Good People.
It also happens to Bad People.
Good Things happen to Good People.
And also to Bad People.

The above is the main reason I have lost all Faith.
That and children dying I am in the wrong job for that.

I hope all of you on this thread with sad stories can find some peace.
sad

And yy to 'strong women' on this thread.
And no doubt strong men as well.

HesterShaw Fri 05-Apr-13 22:45:56

Absolutely, though they're not on this thread!

I do wish men had the equivalent support networks with regard to infertility. So often they feel they can't talk to anyone least of all their partners. So many relationships falter because of infertility.

Okay, I have calmed down a lot now. I sincerely apologise for my bloody madness earlier and hope I haven't upset or annoyed anyone. .

I agree with everything you have said Pacific.

FunnysInLaJardin Fri 05-Apr-13 22:49:30

life is unfair full stop. There is nothing fair in this world about a child of 5 getting cancer or a man of 50 with young children getting cancer. Once you have that sorted then you can get on with things. Fate points it's ugly finger and fairness has no say at all.

Schro, this is such an emotive subjects.

I know that things I have found helpful wrt to my MCs are deeply offensive and hurtful to others.
We all have to find comfort were we can.

And yes, I think men are often left to it when it comes to challenges re procreation. 'Tis a feminist issue, innit? Why oh why is fertility or lack thereof so often seen as a 'Women's Problem' AND an embarrassing weakness?? When we should be in this together (certainly as a couple) rather than looking for 'fault'. And supporting affected people.

Tbh, I feel v lucky as I consider my ratio of 4 MCs : 4 DC pretty good going. Random, dumb luck <<undeserving>>

The comfort I find in this particular subject is that a lot of the children from families like those mentioned end up making other people happy as adoptive children.

Obviously that isn't the case every time though.

I'm sorry about your MCs. sad

Hey, small price to pay tbh.

Yy, I wish adoption were a bit easier; the hoops people have to jump through are ridiculous.

Hope you are ok x.

expatinscotland Fri 05-Apr-13 23:08:30

There were friends with us when our daughter died. One is a woman whose only child was born still. I cannot think of a person more deserving of being a mother, she is far worthier than I and many others. Her love was so great, she was able to set aside her grief to be there with us, to see our daughter out of this life.

Besides her was the one of another couple who were there. 3 years they struggled with infertility and treatments, to have a son. A beautiful, cherished son. When he was 11 months old, he was diagnosed with untreatable brain cancer. He died in their bed, age 19 months. Now despite IVF they have been unable to conceive again.

Bad shit happens to good people all the time, every day, because that is life.

There is NO such thing as fairness. Life just is.

Am I sorry for that? Every day. Every day, so many of us lose, lose, lose.

We live on because, well, there is only one alternative, and it's not for us at present, for whatever reason.

But it's not exclusive to infertility. It just is what it is.

And may I express my thanks to Pacific for being there. smile

ReallyTired Fri 05-Apr-13 23:11:44

I feel it is desperately unfair that the Philpot children, baby P and countless others never got to reach adulthood, yet alone have children. Ofcourse its terrible when a child dies of natural causes, but a healthy child dying at the hands of their parents/ caregivers is an unforgivable breech of trust.

It is desperately unfair that certain people are able to procreate and abuse huge numbers of children when there are other people who are infertile.

Prehaps there is an arguement for sterilising the like of Mick Philpot, but complusory sterilisation is far worse than the problems it solves.

expat, you've just reduced my to tears.
It was an honour.
And a privilege.

I sometimes wish I could've met her...

I think of you often.
I hope you can find some distraction in your other children xx.

me, reduced me.

Feck, I cannot type

Lueji Fri 05-Apr-13 23:14:26

I'm sure there must be lots of people in 3rd world countries with no food or medicine thinking along the same lines.

Life is not about fairness.

The comfort I find in this particular subject is that a lot of the children from families like those mentioned end up making other people happy as adoptive children.
Really?
How about finding comfort in that a lot of such children end up BEING happy with adoptive parents?

Lueji Fri 05-Apr-13 23:15:25

Basically, it's not unfair on YOU that such parents can have children, but unfair that children are born in such families.

FGS.

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