to think that my H shouldn't expect my parents to pay my plane fare?

(97 Posts)

OK. I'm an American married to an Englishman, 2 kids (1 born in USA 1 born in UK), we live in the UK NEVER visit the USA. H thinks if my parents want to see us they should pay our airfares. In the past 18 years I have been back twice-- last time was 12 years ago. My parents come out to see us, about once every two years, so we do see them.

But I feel that my kids are missing out, my parents come out and visit us but the kids have no idea of what their lives are like on their home territory, so to speak, and I also have a sister who I've only seen twice in the past 20 years... she has a good job and lives in an interesting part of the USA so it could be a ready-made holiday to go out and see her/my parents.

It just really grates on my nerves that H thinks that they 'owe' us, he always takes advantage when they are here, i.e. expects them to always pick up the tab at restaurants (which they do), they're grateful that we have a guest room for them to stay in, and they always insist on buying all our groceries etc when they come over. They've also given us large amounts of cash in the past when we've needed it... financed us for a couple of years when we moved back to the USA, etc.

Last night he was saying that it was a shame that they never 'put their hands in their pockets' I think that was how he put it, and he regaled me yet again (he does this often) of stories of how others in similar situations had their parents paying their airfares, flying them out twice a year, and booking them in for holidays in exotic locations in the USA... implying that my parents fall short of the mark.

I just wonder what other people do or would expect their parents to do?
(My parents aren't tremendously wealthy) I am feeling quite disgusted by H's attitude and wouldn't dare tell my parents what is going on-- or why for the umpteenth year in a row we are going to be unable to come visit them!

BTW. In case you were wondering I am not working at the moment, I did work full time up until about 3 years ago, it is a sore point with him, as it's 'his' money it's not a question of just going ahead and booking it up without his permission! sad

ummm thanks Hilda I know it sounds dire and I may be laying it all on H when truly some of it is my fault... I do like living in the UK and feel privileged to have had the opportunity, and mitigating the situation are a few things 1) my parents do like coming over here 2) I think my parents do enjoy their quiet routines and it would stress them if we descended en masse 3) if we went with H it would require huge expenditure when I just want some time there 4) my parents know that H can be difficult (bossyboots EA in the extreme actually) and I really don't think they want to rock the boat wrt our relationship, I almost wish they would! but they are getting older.

I'm thinking that when DD gets her passport the DC's and I might go this summer on our US passports (DH will be the only one without one then). Of course I'll have to LTB first smile and I'll have loadsa money for flights from fleecing it off him.

My parents have already told me that their will leaves anything leftover to be divvied equally between myself and Dsis, which is simple... it's none of his business.

olivertheoctopus Wed 03-Apr-13 20:41:22

YANBU. Your DH is being a complete dick.

IJustWoreMyTrenchcoat Wed 03-Apr-13 20:58:31

YANBU

He has an awful attitude. Why is there such an imbalance between what your parents should contribute and what his do?

He sounds childish and entitled as others have said. He sounds like my BIL, he is ultra aware of what he believes he is 'owed', resents his parents spending their money because it is his right to inherit. I hope his parents blow the lot, or skip a generation.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 20:58:37

You need to leave him before you inherit, though. Sorry to bring that up. Otherwise I think he could claim half of it, or some at least.

Talk to WA about leaving him and squirrel away as much money as you can until your plan is ready. FGS, don't mention it to him.

Do the children like him?

FierceBadIggi Wed 03-Apr-13 20:58:37

Hope things get better for you OP. Fwiw, you are nbu, and your dh is being a knob.

Booyhoo Wed 03-Apr-13 21:00:30

your father is 84 and your DH expects him to pay for you all to fly over and visit? sad

he is a git.

You married a horrible tightwad twunt, so sorry notMrsR
I'm with jux make sure you divorce before the inheritance. I'd leave now, take his tight arse for everything I could and go on a lovely summer holiday to see your parents and sister.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Wed 03-Apr-13 21:24:46

This gets worse! Your H was annoyed because you registered your daughter, who is half American due to descent (ie you!) as an official American?! He sounds unhinged...

I second what other posters say, though you shouldn't ever count on an inheritance as who knows what's going to happen in the future? You need to divorce your H if you don't want him to inherit anything from your DPs, if that's how it works out. As it stands, he could be entitled to something.

foreverondiet Wed 03-Apr-13 21:40:56

Wtf!!!! Of course your parents shouldn't pay and IMO totally irrelevant you not working as you are looking after children - his earnings are family income.

My parents live abroad - we visit maybe once a year - (5 hour flight) we pay for flights but we stay with them (so no accommodation costs) and they take us out for meals / to museums etc.

Dh parents live locally to us but dh never complained about cost of visiting my parents - rather he likes cheap holiday with meals cooked, laundry done and wifi!!!! - and evening babysitting!

hermioneweasley Wed 03-Apr-13 21:48:04

Notmrsrobinson- I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this crap. He sounds like a complete arse. Also sounds like your kids are grown up enough to see him for what he is and you're at a stage where you can take decisions based on your best interests.

I would get info on the financials before you do anything - proof of savings,investments etc as I'm sure he'll hide everything when You leave him.

MmeLindor Wed 03-Apr-13 21:48:43

Would your DD have been able to live in US without getting the passport? Could he be trying to prevent you getting her a passport so you can't LTB?

Yellowtip Wed 03-Apr-13 21:57:17

I used to know someone like this OP and these men are revolting. Please don't stay around for more misery, separate as soon as you can. Your parents sound really decent.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 22:14:18

The fuss he's making about the passport is absolutely ridiculous. Your dd is 17? She's more than old enough to decide whether she wants a US passport or ot, and getting one is an incredibly sensible decision. Who on earth wouldn't have dual citizenship if they could have it? It open up your options for the rest of your life enormously, contains so many opportunities and can make all sorts of things so much easier. If she wanted, she could just go and work inmthe US with no restrictions.

It sounds like he's trying to write your past out of the picture, almost as if you didn't exist before he met you. Like when he met you, he somehow 'activated' you.

Does he do that sort of thing?

Does he listen to memories of your past, your home life in the US, and so on? Does he close down any conversations about America, the differences in attitudes, language, education, whatever?

raisah Wed 03-Apr-13 22:21:40

Show him & his family this thread, the only effective way to deal with people like that is to name and shame. Also, when you get your inheritance immediately gift the money to your kids so your husband cant inherit your parents money if you die before him. That inheritance money should be for your kids future and not for your husband. He sounds like a financial abuser, visit your family without him.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 22:26:51

No!!!!! Don't show him the thread! He's an abuser, and you are working towards leaving him. Do not give him any idea of your plans. Silence is golden in this case.

pigletmania Wed 03-Apr-13 22:32:21

Your h is an arsehole and a freeloader. If I were your parents I would pay for you and your children but nt your H.

Dont show him thread.
Do squirrel away money.
Do take out a divorce.
Do return to the US.

pigletmania Wed 03-Apr-13 22:39:52

Yes long term you need to think about leaving him he is god awful

Xmasbaby11 Wed 03-Apr-13 22:46:47

I do hope you get over to visit. It is a really long time since you went, and I'm sure it would mean a lot to you and your kids and parents. Although it is expensive to fly over, if you could stay with your folks, the flight would be the main expense.

It does sound like you have some issues in your marriage, if you are both mentally dividing your assets into his and hers. To an outsider, it sounds like you do not imagine you will be together forever. What do you think?

Don't forget that as your parents get older and more frail, they may not be able to come over as much and you will want/need to visit them instead. This issue will need to be addressed soon.

All the best.

raisah Wed 03-Apr-13 22:53:30

On second thoughts the above posters are right, dont show him this thread as he will make things difficult for you. It doesnt sound like he has any common decency to feel embarrassed by his behaviour if he was named & shamed. I read on another thread that an ex partner has 6 years to make a claim on money from their ex. Please find out from a solicitor if this is true and ask your parents to remove you from their will & and to replace you with your children. If you decide to leave him later atleast your parents money wil eventually go to their blood relations rather than an in law.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 23:17:55

Possibly to you, in trust to your children.

PuggyMum Wed 03-Apr-13 23:19:48

Oh my goodness notmrsrobinson please don't apologise to me! I am upset on your behalf.

I knew there would be more to it though and sounds as though this business with the passport has tipped the scales for you.

Why should your daughter miss out on the benefits of holding a US passport? It could bring opportunity for your dcs in the future. Surely any parent would want that for their children?

I feel for you as being so far from home just knowing you could easily go and visit without worry is sometimes all you need to know and he is denying you peace of mind and being very cruel indeed.

If this is the start of you making some big decisions please keep posting.

Look after yourself.

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