Would this embarass you? AIBU?!

(27 Posts)
Ducklings45 Wed 03-Apr-13 12:25:03

I do not get along with my father a lot of the time ( his love is conditional and often I don't meet the requirements). 

I went shopping with him today for my mum as she is unwell atm. She have me  a list and asked me to buy the items on it. Half way round as I'm filling up the trolley, he starts going through it and decides what HE doesn't want or what he classes as a 'luxury' and says she cannot have it as he can't afford it hmm.

After speaking with my mum, she agreed to pay for the 'luxury' items hardly call tissues and yogurts luxury when we got back so I put them back in the trolley. 

He then comes back from where he's been finding his luxury coffee to tell me I cannot have those items. I explain what I agreed with my mum and he said no that was not okay and went to take them out. I said I would pay for them, which he still said no to and shouted at me Infront of people and snatched the trolley and disappeared.

I then couldn't stop crying as I was upset and embaraased. I work in a very public job within the local community and If any of the families I work with had seen me it would have been awful.

I am so cross with him, I am an adult and he made me feel like a naughty child. how dare he shout at me in public and embarrass me like that.

He is now refusing to speak to me as in his eyes, I was totally in the wrong  ( yes he has always been this immature and no he will never change). 

EuroShaggleton Wed 03-Apr-13 12:29:50

He's the one who should be embarrassed. What a prick.

No YANBU, I would have a serious adult conversation with him, saying what you have said here, you are an adult, that works in the community and him shouting at you in public is ridiculous and wrong, not to mention bloody minded about your poor Mums shopping, twat (the twat is optional!)

DontSHOUTTTTTT Wed 03-Apr-13 12:35:27

Oh dear. I feel for you. He sounds a bit of a bully. I haven't really got any useful advice though other than trying to keep clear of him. I doubt you can do anything to make him change.

My Dad drives me crazy too. What frustrates me is how much it bothers me. I wish I could just dismiss him and not care but I can't help myself as I still want his 'approval' (or something?). Even though I don't respect him at all. I guess you are in the same situation.

Hope you feel better soon. brew

Willow36 Wed 03-Apr-13 12:36:09

YANBU. Hugs, poor you. This sounds more than just immaturity though. Is he ok?

ginslinger Wed 03-Apr-13 12:37:07

You're not being unreasonable and your dad is being a bully

ENormaSnob Wed 03-Apr-13 12:37:25

Hes a fucking arse hole.

I wouldn't be speaking to him again tbh.

poozlepants Wed 03-Apr-13 12:42:16

You poor thing. Buy your Mum the things she wanted . Take them round to your parents. Tell your father never to speak to you like that again. Gain some control- you are a grownup now.

My FIL has tired to bully us in the past. If he keeps treating us as children he feels like he is still in charge. I have learned to say Sorry but No- repeatedly and at length.

LizzieVereker Wed 03-Apr-13 12:42:22

I am sorry, that must have been horrible for you. My Father could behave like that at times. What does your Mum say about his behaviour?

Hope you are OK. thanks

TheBigJessie Wed 03-Apr-13 12:42:53

Your poor mother... Does he always treat you both like this?

Ducklings45 Wed 03-Apr-13 12:46:21

I've tried to talk to him about it and he has said "I don't have to justify myself to you". He then said "I'm not going to be bullied by you" hmm.

My mum is very cross with him. She's even more cross that he paid out of the joint account, which she contributes massively to each month. Him less so as he is retired.

DontmindifIdo Wed 03-Apr-13 12:54:31

I wuold refuse to have anythign to do with him.

What I don't understand why he couldn't just go on his own for the stuff? Why did you need to do the shopping for your mum and dad, not just him go because your mum couldn't? Leave them to it, your mum has obviously enabled him to be a twat and not pulled him up on it/left him after years of this he thinks it's acceptable.

You were doing them both a favour - him too - I presume he'll eat the food.

Also how they manage their finances as a couple is somethign you should not be getting involved in at all.

Step back, reduce 'help' offers - your mum can ask her husband if she's ill - if he needs your help, he can ask you himself, but it better come with an apology.

LizzieVereker Wed 03-Apr-13 12:55:28

I agree with what Poozlepants said, show him that you don't need his approval and that you are an adult now by getting your Mum's things. I know that might be hard, but do you feel you could do that?

Has he always behaved like this, or is it a new thing? Don't answer if you don't want to, just thought it might help you to talk it through.

LizzieVereker Wed 03-Apr-13 12:58:23

And, actually I think he does have to justify himself to you a bit, or at least hear you explain that his public tantrum might have embarrassed you career-wise.brew

digerd Wed 03-Apr-13 13:06:59

So, your mum is the main bread winner since dad has retired. He is no longer the king of the castle. Probable reason for his bullying - which is no excuse.

He is being obnoxious and cruel.
Refuse to go shopping with him ever again, unless he apologises and never does it again.
That was awful how he treated you in the shop.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Wed 03-Apr-13 13:13:46

Your dad sounds like an awful controlling bully. His behaviour is utterly unacceptable, even if he had been the one footing the bill!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 03-Apr-13 13:14:00

Who the hell does he think he is? Deciding that your mum is not allowed a bloody yoghurt while at the same time sorting himself out with posh coffee?

MusicalEndorphins Wed 03-Apr-13 13:18:08

What a rude cheapskate! And your poor mum unwell and being deprived of tissues and yogurts. I hope you got your mother the stuff on her list later and brought it around.
I had an ex like that, I finally (after pep talks from a friend) defied him and bought what I wanted, very nervous and to my surprise nothing bad happened.

MusicalEndorphins Wed 03-Apr-13 13:23:18

I forgot to answer your OP. No, it would not embarrass me now, but back in my 20's, yes, it would have. Now though, I would have been torn between astonishment and probably would have laughed at him in disbelief of what an ass he was. I would have gone to another cashier and paid for the stuff there. But I am a lot tougher now then when I was younger. I was very meek back then.

Fairenuff Wed 03-Apr-13 13:25:50

What you have to do is separate the three relationships.

You have a relationship with your Mum. You can do whatever you want for her. You can buy her 'luxury' items yourself and give them to her. It's nothing to do with your 'd'f.

You have a relationship with your father which is not good. This is because he is a controlling bully and has probably always been like this. You do not have to have anything to do with him if you don't want to. He cannot tell you what to do. He can try, but you don't have to listen. Just turn your back and walk away from him.

The third relationship is between your parents and does not concern you. Presumably your mum is used to him behaving like this and accepts it, even though she complains about it. That's her choice. Let her know you are there for her, but don't try to solve her problems for her. She has to do that herself. You can support her, but don't enable their relationship. Keep out of it.

cumfy Wed 03-Apr-13 14:31:39

Early stage Alzheimer's ?

RobotLover68 Wed 03-Apr-13 14:40:30

He sounds like my dad - no boundaries - fucker

scaredbutexcited Wed 03-Apr-13 14:49:54

I have a knightmare of a MIL (won't give details as your post not mine).
Frequently things she has done or said have left me in tears/feeling crap.

A piece of advice I was given by a relate counsellor is that while I can't control how she acts or what she does, I can control how I react and how I feel about it. (clearly easier said then done!)

Not very easy to do but try if posible to see that the issue is his and you have done nothing wrong so there is no need to feel embarassed.

I can see why you would be so upset though and YANBU. I have found this has helped me a little bit though.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Wed 03-Apr-13 14:51:43

What would you advise one of your families?

Ducklings45 Wed 03-Apr-13 16:33:52

I did wonder that cumfy but he's very much a 'bury his head in the sand' type man and has said numerous times if he ever had cancer/Alzheimer's etc he would rather not know about it hmm.

I only work with the children Lovesbeing smile

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