Re meeting other mums and always having DH/DP with you?

(31 Posts)
Thurlow Wed 03-Apr-13 10:41:27

I think I really might be BU here, in which case it would be really interesting to hear other opinions. I'm just getting slightly bemused by friends who do all their casual socialising with their DH tagging along.

To put it in context, I moved to where I live when pg so all my local friends are other mums with a 1yo-ish. I'm now back at work f/t so can only meet them at the weekend. DP works most weekends. Now I really do appreciate that for the majority of couples the weekend is family time. I do try not to encroach upon that and ask friends to do something that would eat into their time together, but I like to catch up with the other mums I met during mat leave and so I tend to ask if they are free for a quick coffee. It's been a few months back at work now so I've learnt which friends would rather not do something like that on the weekend, which is fine (I see them if we go out in the evening or we rearrange bigger group meet-ups at soft play etc). But there are a couple of friends who seem happy to meet up quickly, so I'll generally go to them for an hour or so, quick coffee and catch up, the babies have a play, all nice.

However the bit that bemuses me is that their DH always sits with us too. This is quite different from how me and DP are, which is why I might be BU about this. If a friend of mine comes to our house and DP is in, he comes and has a chat for half an hour or so, plays with the kids if there are any, but then he will excuse himself and go and do something else (normally housework, which is great grin). The logic being that it is my friend who is visiting, and while of course we like to know each other's friends and get on with them, we also appreciate the other person might want a bit of time alone to catch up with their friend. Other mums I visit, their DH sits in the room with us ? not really getting involved in the conversation, not really playing with the kids, just sitting there as if... well, as if it has been a bit enforced. They always know if DP is not coming with me. And as I mentioned before, no one is old friends, these are new friends made through baby groups etc.

This is just one example, but it is the one that has really intrigued me. Do other people always catch up with friends with their DH with them? Are DP and I really odd for not doing all our socialising together?

Thurlow Wed 03-Apr-13 11:41:30

There's one friend in particular, her DH comes along if its an invite to my house. The first time I was a little surprised but they said they were heading in to town afterwards, so that was perfectly understandable. The second time they were just coming around and then going back home, and he came around too.

I'm willing to concede on the 'in their own home' front, I can see that while that might me normal for me and DP, its not for other families. Though I really don't mean they should just bugger off completely! I'm just more used to DH's who stay for half the time, have the tea and the conversation, then leave the friends to catch up for a while alone. Same as if I have a single friend around for dinner - DP will have dinner with us, but then might go and do something else while we continue to get drunk and gossip.

Thurlow Wed 03-Apr-13 11:41:56

Oh, and LIG, how have you not killed him yet?! grin

Mumsyblouse Wed 03-Apr-13 11:42:53

I would find it odd if my husband went off to do some housework anyway, but he certainly wouldn't hang around like a bad smell if I had a friend over in our own home, he's say 'hi', chat for 5 min, then say 'I'll leave you to it' just as I do when his friends come. They don't want to chat with me there and vice versa. It's awful when you encounter the 'two headed person' who literally can't do anything without each other, I used to know someone like this who would constantly engage in PDA's when you were trying to talk with them. Unless you are two couples out as couples, then it's nicer for the closer friends to spend time without their partners.

monkeymamma Wed 03-Apr-13 13:11:00

This is interesting as I think dh and I mainly do stuff together. But we're not joined at the hip or anything, we just aren't sexist enough to see male friends as 'his' and female friends as 'mine' (including 'mum friends' - although I have a number of mates I see in the week/met due to having babies the same age, if dh is around while we're hanging out, he loves to chat with them too. Then they're 'parent friends' which I think is less sexist too.) we definitely do lots of different activities/nights out/days out separately too, but in the main he is my best friend so I do enjoy having him there and vice versa. Maybe we are weird...

LaQueen Wed 03-Apr-13 13:49:58

DH wouldn't dream of sitting with us, if a friend came over, and we were having a chat and a coffee...he'd be polite, say hello, then he'd disappear off and do his own thing.

Wouldn't matter if it was during the week, or at weekends. He'd do the same. He likes my friends, but just really isn't interested in chatting/gossiping with them, as such (I genuinely don't know any men who do?). He's always got stuff he wants to surf on the Internet, emails to send, stuff saved on Sky+ he wants to watch, he'll take the DDs out on their bikes for an hour.

We've never been one of those couples who need/want to spend 24/7 together [shudder]

Our weekends tend to be family time too, as DH works long hours in the week. But, luckily our family won't implode just because I go and sit in another room, on a Saturday morning with a friend for an hour, and grab a quick coffee.

Thurlow Wed 03-Apr-13 13:51:35

I know, I don't enormously like the term 'mummy friends' either. I was struggling to find a way to explain it. These are women I've met through baby groups and so there's never been any socialising as couples; some of the friendships really are based solely on having children the same age. As in I like these people very much, but we don't always have much in common other than our children, iyswim. So there's no relationship with the DH's at all.

Other than that, we have a large group of old friends who DP and I always socialise with as a couple - well, at least we did before the baby arrived and we lacked a babysitter!

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