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to resign myself to never ever meeting a naice man again...

(60 Posts)
drfayray Tue 02-Apr-13 13:32:46

I have been single for nearly two years. Ex twunt left after 24 years of marriage. I worked on recovery, etc etc and felt it was time to you know...dip the proverbial toe in the murky depths of dating. I joined RSVP, a big dating site here in Australia. WELL...I am currently writing up about all the crazee fuckwitts I encountered. I got rather tired of blokes sending me pix of their dicks, young kids! telling me they want to wank on my face and 76 year olds telling me they didn't need Viagra...

So I went offline for a bit. I met this guy (the WolfMan) and we had a thing for about 4 months but he had mental health issues and I suspect Asperger's too and I ended it. We are still friends though.

Then last week I decided that I should give online dating another go. A chappie called Neil contacted me reminding me that we had emailed before and that he had been quite disappointed when I disappeared. So we met for coffee yesterday.

When I was waiting for him, I felt this huge wave of something flood over me. I knew that he would not be suitable. I knew that I couldn't do this whole dating thing; putting myself out there for men whom I shouldn't even consider. Neil was a nice guy but not my type.

I am 51 but do not look my age (see my pix for proof of this!). I am clever, attractive, friendly, etc etc and yet I do not seem to attract men. Men in my age range (45-55) seem to want young girls. They consider women in the 48+ range to be 'boilers' or old chooks. I cannot describe how offensive I found this; one of the so-called dates told me this.

I have a good life filled with friends and my children. I do activities like Tango, run etc etc so it is not like I am stuck inside. But I am just not meeting any decent men.

So AIBU to resign myself to being single from now on?

DolomitesDonkey Tue 02-Apr-13 13:39:30

YABU to think that internet dating is all there is to dating.

1. Congratulations on leaving your husband - sounds like it was probably a very hard decision to make - especially after half a lifetime together. Bloody well done you! x

2. There are lots and lots and lots of lovely men out there and I honestly believe that you only start tripping over them when you've found total peace within yourself. They might come in a bit of a kooky physical package and they might have funny little quirks - but fuck it, we all do - especially once we've waved 25 goodbye quite a while ago.

Try dating with your eyes closed, a handsome prick is just a prick with your eyes closed.

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 13:51:00

Of course all men want the prettiest, youngest woman they can find. Internet dating allows them to at least chance their arm. The reason they're on internet dating is because they can't meet anybody in real life. And it's easier for men. They just have to ask enough times. Women would be seen as desperate behaving like this. Men would be seen as outgoing and charming and lonely before desperate.

If any man MY age told me I was too old for him I would look at his fat belly, and the top of his head for a moment too long and then I would sincerely wish him good luck with women younger than himself and excuse myself with a sigh of relief. Honestly, if somebody lets you know sooner rather than later that they are a complete tosser then that's time saved.

I want somebody who is decent and good company. I don't mind if he's a bit short or a bit fat or a bit bald. So long as he doesn't think that he's too good for me!!

The threads about internet dating terrify me.

Latara Tue 02-Apr-13 13:51:21

Hmm, i'm beginning to think YANBU because i'm only 36 & can't find a decent single man either!

OhLori Tue 02-Apr-13 13:54:34

Hmm... Well, I have seen this thread in many forms over recent years, all saying the same thing, and I posted one myself once (which I got flamed for, for "punching above my weight" hmm). I've name-changed since.

I honestly think once you get to 50, the pool of available men shrinks dramatically, particularly with internet dating. There maybe a few gems, but really its a case of a needle in a haystack tbh, and are you prepared to put in the huge legwork involved? Only you can answer that. The fact is, at least in the internet world, there are lots of women in their 30s and 40s who would be interested in an eligible 50 year old man.

Often in these threads, someone says they or their best friend met their husband on these websites, but I would bet my brand new vacuum cleaner they are under 50!

I have had that awful feeling you describe sitting waiting for "Neil", i.e. putting yourself "out there" for men that you should not even consider. I wouldn't rule out doing it again, but feel a lot happier without the depressing saga of internet dating ...

But being older and wiser has other, maybe greater rewards ...

Latara Tue 02-Apr-13 13:55:43

I haven't tried internet dating yet because firstly i've been ill for 4 years on & off, but secondly because my younger sister is trying it and it's knocking her confidence tbh.

However i do know women (inc. a 50 yr old) who have married through internet dating - to very nice men.

I recommend joining Facebook if you haven't already - some old work colleagues / classmates could be around & could be worth getting to know - they may be male & nice themselves or know some decent single men.

Btw with age it's difficult if you are over 29!! I know of men in their 30s who refuse to date women over 29.

OhLori Tue 02-Apr-13 13:57:20

And, yes Latara, it starts early on internet dating, even 36, unless you are an attractive, well-off woman and live a privileged and social life to meet lots of eligible men. Real life is a better bet.

There are exceptions. But they prove the rule

BenderLovableRobot Tue 02-Apr-13 14:02:54

You know what I've come to realise that there are no perfect men out there. Just like there are no perfect women.

We have to stop expecting the man we want to end up with being perfect. I don't mean lowering your standards - I mean accepting that someone may have flaws but you should accept them if they have more good points about them.

BenderLovableRobot Tue 02-Apr-13 14:04:32

Btw with age it's difficult if you are over 29!! I know of men in their 30s who refuse to date women over 29

Great. What a lovely sentiment that it.

<hands a gun to anyone over the age of 30>

OhLori Tue 02-Apr-13 14:07:21

From the description of the response she's had, I don't think the OP was exactly demanding perfection ...

Latara Tue 02-Apr-13 14:07:45

<takes gun> sadly that's true of certain shallow men i've met.

But i do know women who are married to men 5 - 10 years younger, so there are a lot of exceptions.

Ignore me, i'm just depressed about it all because i'm attending a Baby Shower later tonight sad

drfayray Tue 02-Apr-13 14:09:41

Thanks for the posts. I am a prolific Facebooker grin...

I do stuff. I go dancing and do meet a fair number of people, including men but they are not interested in me or if they are, I am not interested in them. TBH, not that many are interested in me sad...

I am not fussy. Looks do not matter to me. Intelligence and humour are what get me...every single time. If someone is overweight or bald etc etc I am not put off by that.. I do like them to have their own teeth though...And tall as I am tall too but again, not that fussed. It is the person that matters to me.

I have had young men approach me...27 year old in particular. But they just want sex. I want a relationship. I am not interested in bonking men that are so young! Flattering though it may be.

Latara Tue 02-Apr-13 14:10:00

The OP is just looking for a man that is nice with whom there is some chemistry i would think; that's all i'd like too.

Not many people expect perfection unless they are shallow - but it's not too much to ask for a man who is a nice person, clean, smart & pleasant.

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 14:28:39

A presentable decent man who is as good company as your female friends? Yes, I think it is too much to ask unfortunately. I'm in my early forties and intellectually, taking a look at the world around me and knowing what men are like, what men want I think yes it is too much to ask. Sorry if that depresses you, it depresses me too. I will have about 35 years of being a single person ahead of me, as I'm healthy and fit and plan to live a long and happy life. I will be happy despite being single. But it's kind of a shame. Oh well.

MansView Wed 03-Apr-13 12:43:32

I've done my fair share of internet dating - and I find that a lot of women's standards are far to high...

cuteboots Wed 03-Apr-13 12:57:12

just had to join in on this one . I also have resigned myself to the fact that I just set myself up to meet Twats! Ive done the odd bit of internet dating but this was also not for me . Yes I do have high standards but why would you put up with second best. I also have my son to think about as well so if and when he appears hes going to have a tough job on his hands ! hee hee hee

Loulybelle Wed 03-Apr-13 13:01:38

Btw with age it's difficult if you are over 29!! I know of men in their 30s who refuse to date women over 29

Well im royally fucked soon, 30 in 4 months time, shoot me now.

SanctiMOMious Wed 03-Apr-13 13:02:34

mansview. not true. i dont care about height. or wealth. any man who is even an inch taller than me is "tall" :-p truth is, men my age are going to be looking over my shoulder at a 25 year old standing behind me. ive had a lit of time to think about this and i want a man who is good company and decent. are you telli.g me my standards are too high?!

YouTheCat Wed 03-Apr-13 13:07:34

You'll find someone somewhere when you least expect it.

And this is coming from a 40+ large, short woman who left her husband 3 years ago and happened upon a rather lovely man 10 years younger than me.

We did meet on the internet but through mutual interests rather than dating. I had looked at dating sites and they seemed full of married men and blokes who just wanted to shag a porn actress.

If I look that good at your age I'll be doing cartwheels, single or not grin

Internet dating just means a higher frog:prince ratio but it can happen. Try and meet people another way too maybe? And just enjoy yourself in general smile

Owllady Wed 03-Apr-13 13:12:23

you know it's not just nowadays and internet dating, pre interbnet there were lonely hearts ads, of which my poor sister took part in. She went ona first blind date with someone in sainbury's cafe and he asked her if she would like to take it up the rear entrance within the first ten minutes of meeting
she gave up after that

Latara Wed 03-Apr-13 13:46:13

PMSL at Owllady !! If someone said that to me i'd probably choke on my coffee (with laughing!)

Seriously similar things have happened to me & my sister on dates... when i was in my 20s i had some very dodgy dates!!

There was the guy who'd taken E before our date..

the guy who insisted on 'meeting his dealer' before we went out for the evening...

the lad who got drunk & stripped naked as a dare from his MUM...

the one who suggested watching a DVD & it turned out to be very bad porn...

the one who was banned for drink driving (the 2nd time).. the one who was stalking his ex...

the one who said he didn't fancy me then asked me for sex (how nice)...

And lots more.

PS. Louly sorry about the 'men prefer women under 29' comment, i was feeling a bit down yesterday that's all.

Lockedout434 Wed 03-Apr-13 13:49:13

My friends mum was in your position and went on a solo holidays and dare I say a saga holiday. She met people there and had a nice holiday. The last bloke she is still with after 4 years they go off on holidays and have fun times together my mate was so happy for her.
Clubs as well bridge is a hive of over 40 match making according to the smiles and flushed cheeks of my mum and her mates.

Good luck

Latara Wed 03-Apr-13 13:57:54

One of my colleagues is 49 - she is married but has had a good social life from the local Rotary & Round Table organisations; i'm sure not everyone there is coupled up.

Also one friend in her 40s goes Kayaking, rambling (hill-walking) and has met men through those hobbies.

Loulybelle Wed 03-Apr-13 14:06:44

Latara, dont worry about it, been single 4 years now, unlikely to change anytime soon, coz i just cant be arsed to date.

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