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To severely reprimand my nephew

(42 Posts)
MaryRobinson Tue 02-Apr-13 08:18:22

My sister is visiting with my two nephews just 13 and 12. For the last year or two there has been picking/needling/ teenage sibling nastiness between them. What seems to happen is that the older will say something until the younger explodes. Then they will get separated until it starts again.

This visit the older seems to have upped a notch. Even on the bus from the airport it was (whilst speaking only to me) "my brother is a freak" and the like. I answered in conversational tone that they'd be brothers a long time, that his adored grandmother always says if you can't speak nicely - don't.
Speaking to younger brother it is all impotent rage.

If it starts today would IBU to tell older his behaviour is spiteful, bullying and absolutely unacceptable around me.

MidnightMasquerader Tue 02-Apr-13 08:19:37

No, you wouldn't be unreasonable at all.

Euphemia France Tue 02-Apr-13 08:19:46

Isn't that your sister's job?

HollyBerryBush Tue 02-Apr-13 08:20:23

If they are staying in your house, yes.

BeckAndCall Tue 02-Apr-13 08:21:34

Don't you have DC yourself OP? Because to me that sounds perfectly normal amongst family - it's if it happens outside the family I'd start to get upset.

And tbh if your sister is there, it's up to her to deal with it how she sees fit.

That said, in your house, any swearing, shouting, pinching etc can be banned by you

JenaiMorris Tue 02-Apr-13 08:21:52

Do it. Tell him you won't have such spite and bullying on your watch.

Where are his parents? What do they say?

Coconutty Costa Rica Tue 02-Apr-13 08:21:56

What does your sister say? Not sure it's up to you to reprimand them.

greencolorpack Tue 02-Apr-13 08:23:05

When my kids start fighting and it's my ds s fault I tell him he might end up with a dysfunctional relationship where he phones his ds up as an adult and she screens his calls cos he was such a hideous brother when they were younger.

If I were your sister I would be glad of the back up. She is probably just as sick of hearing the bickering as you are, well more if she lives with them.

FloatyBeatie Tue 02-Apr-13 08:26:07

Your sister might find that very helpful. She might feel that older son is immune to her telling him his behaviour is unacceptably cruel. She might feel real relief at the thought of some straight talking from another adult, whose words would be fresh and impactful. I know I would!

BUT. It would be best I think to speak with her first and make sure your words don't just poison the atmosphere and add to the stress and stalemate that probalby underlies the whole situation. It would be perfectly ok, though, for you to approach this in a way that ensures that your sister knows that she needs to respect the fact that it is your house, and you are entitled to set some ground rules for your nephews about their behaviour around you.

ParadiseChick Tue 02-Apr-13 08:26:33

I have and would again.

My two nephews love toy fighting. Fair enough in their own house. We were at my mums for Easter and they started in the kitchen, trying to get my dc involved which I will not have because she's bigger and stronger and would probably end up hurting one of them and be the one in trouble.

So I told them to stop whilst sil sat blissfully unaware of her boxing children, reading the paper.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 02-Apr-13 08:26:48

I'd talk to yous sister about it.

MaryRobinson Tue 02-Apr-13 08:30:09

My kids are much younger.
I know kids fight but I never ever described a sibling as a freak or name called with a viciousness. And I would never ever have said anything nasty about a sibling outside the family.

My sister & BIL are glad to have another adult separate them whilst they deal with younger ones. I'm not sure what happens at home but here it is "[olderChild] that's enough" he's told to move elsewhere, younger child helped with deep breaths.

ParadiseChick Tue 02-Apr-13 08:31:44

And the day I heard dn call his brother a paedophile, you can bet your boots I got involved.

livinginwonderland Tue 02-Apr-13 08:37:13

I would. When I was little and went to see my cousins, my aunt and uncle would tell me off if I played up and caused trouble. I'm not scarred and I did listen!

MaryRobinson Tue 02-Apr-13 08:37:49

paradiseChick well things haven't escalated to that grin

ParadiseChick Tue 02-Apr-13 08:39:46

They're 10 and 7!

Delightful little darlings

Maggie111 Tue 02-Apr-13 09:28:08

I don't think you can, it's a matter of parenting and you're not their parent. I would say something, but to severely reprimand? No.

Unless you can get your sister to go out so you have responsibility of them for a period of time - then you can tell him off as you see fit.

DIYapprentice Tue 02-Apr-13 09:42:29

If your DSis wont' get all huffy about it, then go for it. One of my DNephew still remembers me disciplining him (7 years later!!) - he remembered it because he was so shocked that it had come from me, and never did it again!!!

ImAlpharius Tue 02-Apr-13 09:46:19

I would, I find an outside adult (close family/possibly very close friend) stepping in can work wonders with mine. It's almost like a "woah so it's not just my parents whose voice I hear all the time, I have been out of line"

LazyMonkeyButler Tue 02-Apr-13 09:46:49

No, not your place. I have two DSs who can, at times but not constantly, behave like that. It's not uncommon for brothers/siblings AT ALL. I would be mighty pissed off if my sister starting wading in - if I was present of course, if I was elsewhere then it would be a different situation.

I don't want to be guilty of projection, but my brother used to call me horrible, horrible names and my parents were "sick of it" but didn't actually do much to stop it - it made me feel guilty as if I was the cause of the arguing and so on (by existing hmm)

Normally I would say don't get involved but having someone else step in and give the message that, you know, actually this is unacceptable can mean a lot.

unobtanium Tue 02-Apr-13 10:01:10

Parents should be on top of this but since they aren't right now, you are entitled to step in -- your house, you want a peaceful atmosphere. Just tell him "I'm sure your parents have told you not to speak about anyone in those terms. You definitely can't do it here. Each time you put your brother down I think a little less of you". I would speak up whether or not my sister/bil was present.

Unless your sister and bil actually like this behaviour from your older nephew, you are only backing them up by saying something like this. No question of meddling or overriding their parenting.

Ds1 is like this to ds2, although he's 18 and should know better and no amount of telling him stops it. I wouldn't have a problem with my dsis telling him he was a spiteful bully. Actually she has a few times, it stops him for a while

WilsonFrickett Tue 02-Apr-13 10:11:13

I think - to offer a different perspective - that it might actually mean a lot to your younger nephew if you stick up for him (in an appropriate way). He must be pretty fed up by now.

CocacolaMum Tue 02-Apr-13 10:11:47

Absolutely IS your place. When I was young my Aunt gave me a few very stern and frank talking to's and nothing was scarier or sunk in more. They are coming into your home, if you dislike their behaviour then speak up.. if their mum doesn't like it then she can always stay in a hotel next time..

I have 2 kids, I have 4 brothers and sisters and between us there are now 12 children. We all of course discipline our own children but if one of our nieces or nephews steps out of line we all agree that the best way is for the Adult who witnesses it to say something there and then rather than going back to the parent. It just works better for us.

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