or is my BiL being overly controlling?

(91 Posts)
tvmum1976 Tue 02-Apr-13 05:13:45

AIBU to ask my BiL to look after their 2 kids for a couple of hours (actually I guess probably 4 hours total with travel time) while my sister comes with me to choose my wedding dress? He refuses to do it, and has called me a spoiled brat etc for asking. His POV is that he is a SAHD during the week and needs a break- to be fair, it is a demanding job- one of the kids is mildly autistic/ aspergers (although at school during the day) and the other is a toddler (mornings in nursery). I truly understand that it is hard on him, but it was a 4 day weekend so he would have had a break the rest of the time and it is a once in a lifetime special occasion (important to me more emotionally than practically to be fair.) i have never asked him to do anything like this before, and he has never let my sister go out anywhere without him on the weekends since they had kids 5 years ago, as he says the weekends are his only chance to have a break and my sis should be on duty with the kids. She won't be coming to my hen night etc for this reason. they won't use babysitters and there's no one else that can really help out.

Lottashakingoinon Tue 02-Apr-13 06:51:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable (although I see his point too). Would it be impossible for you and DSiS to take a day off during the week when he would normally be 'on duty' anyway? Is he likely to object to that he would be an arse if he did

it's very sad but as others have said, only something your sister can resolve.

It sounds to me like he is not a SAHD by choice (financial) or if was by choice, it's not what he thought it was.

Hiwever, she should be able to have a break, not too often granted as would not be fair on SAHP, but definitely for special occasions such as hen do's. If I were your sister, I would be asking my DH that if the roles were reversed, would he not expect to be able to have an occasional day out at the weekend? Does the BIL never go out alone at the weekend?

I hope your sister manages to sort this one out and am sorry you are not able to share those special pre-wedding memories with your sister sad

MrsToddsShortcut Tue 02-Apr-13 07:04:12

Why should she not be able to have a break 'too often'? He is having every weekday morning to himself! (One child at school the other at nursery in the mornings). Realistically, he is having one toddler every afternoon and doing the wraparound care after and before school for two kids and then having a break every weekend. Probably far more regular breaks than the OP's DSis is getting...

HazleNutt Tue 02-Apr-13 07:16:32

Holly, he was not being asked to look after someone else's kids though, just his own.

He is U, not just regarding this weekend, but having all mornings and weekends for himself, while OP's DSis never gets a break.

ToupOfRegDwight Tue 02-Apr-13 07:53:44

Holly that sounds, to me, pretty ridiculous. Can you define "real work" because in my experience being a full time stay at home parent can be hard work! I know I do more in my day at home than my partner does at work most days.

OP, your brother in law is being a prized twat. As PPs have said, he gets every morning off, unlike your sister. It's one weekend out of many. If he's not "letting"(cunt) her go to your hen night then surely they can use this as a compromise?

Sianilaa Tue 02-Apr-13 07:57:50

Would your parents or BIL's parents not have the children for a day if they don't want to use babysitters?

I think he is being very U, yes. He gets a break every morning.

As a SAHM, my job is 8-5, 5 days a week. Everything outside of that is shared 50:50 IMO, but that includes time off for both of us. He sounds like a lazy, controlling toad to me. However, it's not your place to interfere now. I'd maybe have a chat with your sister to see how she feels about it and if there is anything you can do to support her sorting this out.

Badvoc Tue 02-Apr-13 08:03:51

When does your sister get to time off?
He sounds awful.
I am a sahm and have son dc with sen.
Dh gets to go it without me. As I do too.

pukka84 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:10:13

I am a sahm. I look after the baby 24/7. I also allow dh to go out pretty much every 2nd saturday. Have older dc too.
He is incredibly selfish.

pukka84 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:12:01

And controlling. Your poor sister. When does she get a break?

Anifrangapani Tue 02-Apr-13 08:24:59

Have you thought that your sister is not keen and is using the childcare as an excuse. My husband would lie and take the flack for me. Personally traipsing around shops searching for something while there not being an oportunity to be diverted by little light book shopping would be my idea of hell. It would cause less of a family rift to say I can't because it is him being unreasonable rather than I would prefer to stick pins in my eyes.

However if it is as you say then it is up to your sister and you need to butt out. You are comming across as I want my sister here and I want her to myself because I want to start a tradition on my special wedding day. Neither you or her husband are taking into account of what she wants to do.

Iwishitwouldgetwarmer Tue 02-Apr-13 09:45:44

Is there any chance that your sister could take an afternoon off work and go then?

midori1999 Tue 02-Apr-13 09:54:58

He's being an arse! Although it is up to your sister to arrange for herself to go out and him look after the kids.

My sister's husband can be a bit of an arse, never changed a nappy etc, but even he would look after his own children so she could come wedding dress shopping with me.

Mumsyblouse Tue 02-Apr-13 09:58:43

This is not reasonable at all and he is a horrible man. I can't believe all these people on here saying 'can he have a break?' what- like his poor wife who works all week then all weekend caring for the children while he has time off everyday when the children are at school!

It's not about tit for tat, I cannot think of an event such as this (wedding, big birthday) which i would not support my husband attending, and to even start counting up hours/fairness is entirely against the whole spirit of the thing. Who would deny their sister to go to a dress choosing or a hen do or anything like that? I support my husband to do everything like this, whoever worked 'most' in the week and he supports me completely.

Their marriage is in deep trouble and for him to start ranting at you for being 'selfish' tells you this. Even if he thought he was in the right (which he is not) a polite 'sorry, we won't be able to do that' would have done.

Your instinct is that all is not well in their marriage and this has upset you. But you were not unreasonable to ask and I can't believe anyone could defend his position, do people really count out the hours like this when supporting their own partners?!

Mumsyblouse Tue 02-Apr-13 10:00:25

And if by any chance (which is unlikely) he was saying no to protect the sister, surely a polite and friendly email would have been the correct response.

Only nasty people rant like that at someone else's sister.

WilsonFrickett Tue 02-Apr-13 10:16:14

I think he's being U (and rude tbh) but I don't think you can do much about it. Can you and DS take an afternoon or day off work and go dress shopping during the week? (You'll probably get better service as well).

RunningAgain Tue 02-Apr-13 10:26:54

He hasn't "let" your sister go out on her own at the weekend for 5 years shock . How trapped and depressed she must feel. What does he do while the kids are at school and nursery?

DontmindifIdo Tue 02-Apr-13 10:29:11

Right, if she won't use a babysitter at home, can you contact her, suggest she brings the DCs with her to yours, your DP looks after them for a couple of hours while you go shopping?

Then I think you might want to suggest to your sister that she looks at her childcare share - if her DH is getting every single morning to himself while the DCs are either at school or nursery, he's getting a lot of 'me' time to do his own stuff, it's not unreasonable therefore that she gets one morning a weekend every weekend to herself that's what normal couples do. She might be feeling the guilt of a working mother - which is often due to the fact that most working mothers don't have a SAHP looking after the DCs, so it's the only time the DCs get with their parents, but this isnt' the case here.

maddening Tue 02-Apr-13 10:32:22

He does sound controlling and I would be concerned about my sister if it were me in that situation.

What does your sister say?

MammaTJ Tue 02-Apr-13 10:33:35

A child with autism/aspergers being left with a babysitter they don't know and doesn't know them is too stressful to even contemplate.

I think he is BU.

If this was a bloke working full time and a woman a SAHM then not allowing her H any time away form the DC at the weekend, it would still be wrong.

SirBoobAlot Tue 02-Apr-13 10:41:07

He sounds horrible. Concerned for your sisters well being, tbh.

mummytime Tue 02-Apr-13 10:44:14

He sounds awful!

There are specialist sitters who haveexperienceof kids on the spectrum.

To be honest he could be on the spectrum himself, but he is still being very controlling.

OHforDUCKScake Tue 02-Apr-13 10:48:20

Im a SAHM and Id not dream of stopping my (albiet now ex)p going to something that involved his brothers wedding.

What an arse

Dawndonna Tue 02-Apr-13 10:48:39

Erm, I know I'm not supposed to say this, but the AS had to come from somewhere. Doesn't stop him being an arse, but if this was thrown as a last minute suggestion, then a reaction might actually be a 'normal' situation.

houseworkhater Tue 02-Apr-13 11:05:35

This is strange behaviour.
When I worked pt my week consisited of working Friday pm til late, Saturday, Sunday and all day Monday. the other days I was at home with 2 children under 2.
I did all the housework and garden, all the decorating. It was hard but there wasn't any time that I wasn't either working in my paid job or working doing childcare/housework.

I wouldn't have drempt of stopping dh go on his own brother's stag do.

Are you sure that your sis doesn't like this set up?
She needs to sort out babysitters if she wants to go out.

I also think that the dh gets a good break.
This behaviour sounds controlling.

My ex bil was like this, his wife couldn't do anything without him being there or having his permission. Drove her crazy in the end.

Catchingmockingbirds Tue 02-Apr-13 11:07:06

Wtf dawn? Not every case of AS is hereditary...

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