to go on sex strike til he helps put baby to bed

(85 Posts)
princessj29 Tue 02-Apr-13 00:23:18

Baby is 7 months and breastfed and co-sleeping. I used to settle her in my bed then join her later but the past couple of months this hasn't been working and she's woken within 10-30 mins (usually ten) of me leaving her despite having laid there with her for over an hour first. The evening goes now that she sleeps on my lap downstairs from 8-10ish, I take her to bed and feed/ lay with her then try and get away to go see DH for some 'action.' I use the internet on my phone to stay awake (like now) despite being very tired and try for up to 2 hours to go and see DH, usually disturbing poor DD several times and failing to get away anyway. Or if I do, DH is so conscious of the potential for DD to wake that it's over in 5 mins and does absolutely nothing for me. He talks constantly about how horny he is, how much he misses me and wants me etc yet while I'm spending hours trying to escape baby he's getting some sleep in on the sofa! I think if he tried to settle her with a bottle of expressed milk it'd break her association of me = sleep a little and could get our sex life back on track but he disagrees. I'm beyond fed up of hearing about how Randy he is and feeling it's my respo

AmberSocks Wed 03-Apr-13 18:41:58

cant he lie with you both?we dont anymore as we have more children but when we only had one or two babies we would lie with them together.

You might not like the idea of it but i dont bother "putting them to bed" at that age,mine stay up with me and if they fall asleep they sleep i our arms or somewhere downstairs(we co sleep but have a cot downstairs for daytime snoozes).
that wont solve your sex problem but at least you wont feel under pressure to get her to sleep every night ad just go with the flow.

Amykins Wed 03-Apr-13 18:20:59

Your little girl won't breast feed forever though.

princessj29 Wed 03-Apr-13 17:00:04

I was being flippant when I mentioned going on strike - I just meant that I'd make as much effort to get baby settled to sleep alone so we can have time together/time to have sex as he does - i.e. zero effort. I'm fed up of feeling it's just my problem to sort out when she is both of our daughter and we would both like a decent sex life back. Daytime sleeps make no difference to night time, she is just used to me being there with her and being latched on most of the night which is why I thought starting the night with a bottle of expressed milk may break the association with her thinking I'll be there all night. To those who said to tell him to sort himself out rather than expect me to come down for sex - that still doesn't solve my problem! At least he has the time and opportunity to sort himself out, while I remain frustrated and stuck to baby all night. Weekend nap time sex isn't an option as we also have an older child and no babysitter options either. Sex was a big part of our relationship before baby was born (and for the first few months after her birth) and it feels different without it - plus no sex is also meaning little affection as we don't even get to have cuddles as baby is literally always attached to me. Am at a loss of what to do.

I am actually a bit weirded out by this thread.

Why would you be having regular un-satisfying sex with a man who does nothing to help either your or the child you have together? He may be getting something out of it, but you are certainly not.

With regards to your bloke - don't 'withold sex' or use it as a weapon. Never a good idea. But also don't make it your sole priority. Explain to him that your are not his fuck-toy, but his partner and the mother of your baby. If you are tired, you will sleep. You will not spend two hours trying to stay awake just so your OH can get his leg over as quickly as possible.

With regards to the baby - do you want to break the cycle of mum = milk and sleep? If you do, work on it. Write your plan down, and get your bloke onside, otherwise it will never happen.

Show him this thread too.

AmberSocks Tue 02-Apr-13 13:42:42

btw the baby still wakes in the night,dh has never done a night feed,i havnt even wondered why until now,i guess its because ds2 still wake sin the night and its always dh that deals with him.

AmberSocks Tue 02-Apr-13 13:41:24

op this is what happens in our house(i have older ones too so at the same but i do have a baby 6 months too)

dh gets home at 6,I try to get dinner ready for this time so we can all eat together.

After dinner,we all go upstairs,dh is in charge of bathtime while i tidy the dinner stuff away.

I put dc3 and 4(3 and 6 months)to bed,when i say i put them to bed,i lie with them in my (superking size)bed ad they fall asleep,can be a few seconds if they are really tired,could be about 20 minutes,its not usually longer than that,maybe you could orchestrate your babies naps so that hes tired enough to go to sleep in a decent amount of time, hours is a long time.

While i do this dh is doing the same with dc1 and 2(5 and 4)iit takes about the same amount of time.

After this is our child free time,so we do what we want,sometimes the baby wakes up and ill go and sort him out,sometimes ill brig him downstairs if i want to.

We have lots of sex,which is why i am always pregnant lol!

Happydotcom Tue 02-Apr-13 13:34:56

I've done every night / morning and bedtime since ds was born......nearly two yrs now.

We haven't had sex since I was pg. I'm so tired and resentful.

( not helpful!)

seeker Tue 02-Apr-13 13:31:59

Sadder that the op's partner thinks that his needs trump anyone else in the family's needs. This situation is not the OP's fault. It is not solely up to her to find solutions.

angeltattoo Tue 02-Apr-13 12:48:56

Princessj29, have you posted before about your OH, using a different name?

scottishmummy Tue 02-Apr-13 12:40:08

Sad you hold so little value to consensual act sex that you withhold and use as punishment
shame you feel So desperate and tired,it's affected your judgement
Talk like adults,get a mutually agreeable plan

butterandbread157 Tue 02-Apr-13 12:32:51

Having read your OP, it felt very similar to me when DD2 came along. (DD1 was ff due to reflux)
DH was very hands on with DD1 but like a different person with DD2, he assumed that she wanted me ALL the time due to bf so didn't have any kind of bond with her and didn't help to settle her, try her with a bottle etc.

I decided to give DD2 a dummy to my DH disgust, I told him he hadn't shown any interest and it was my decision! It worked a treat to break the link between bf and sleep and to end the co-sleeping.
After a bit of a break down at 3am I had a sceaming match with DH about his lack of interest in DD2 and he hadn't realised what he was doing as for the first few months she was attached to me and he just fell into a habit!!

YANBU at all but if the co-sleeping works for you then do that and don't keep yourself awake for something that you don't enjoy!!

EmmelineGoulden Tue 02-Apr-13 11:52:58

Echo the comment about sex not being a "job" and therefore no real way to strike.

I think you have two issues -

He isn't helping at bed time. I am shocked that a father won't even try bottle feeding to sleep his own child. It's true it may not work, but how selfish do you have to be to not even give it a go? You could try not keeping yourself awake with the phone. If you wake up once the baby is settled, all well and good, but otherwise it's just life. Or you could just make up a bottle of expressed milk one night and at 8 pm give him the baby and the bottle and tell him you're going out, he should call you when the baby's settled and you'll come back for some "action" (if that's what you want). You could go and kip in the car if you want to, the point is to make sure he has to learn how to get on with it without you picking up the slack.

Secondly, he (and possibly you - it's a common misconception) see sex as being mainly about him coming. If you're frequently having sex where he's coming but you're not getting anything, why aren't you frequently having sex where you're coming but he's not getting anything? He doesn't have to come for it to be sex. I would be tempted to tell him he needs to redress the balance, and you don't care (for now) whether he comes or not, but sex needs to be a lot more about you and your pleasure for a while.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Apr-13 11:11:24

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OxfordBags Tue 02-Apr-13 11:11:06

Oh yes, not knowing you're out of order can be the only reason for continuing said behaviour hmm

OP, it sounds like he's competing with your baby to get access to your body. Or that he now sees your body as a sort of Giving Machine and that the way you selflessly give give give to your little baby must mean that he is automatically entitled to taketaketake the way a baby does and that you unquestionably just want to givegivegive to whomever wants to take, IYSWIM. It also sounds like he is a thoughtless, selfish, sexist crap shag who doesn't believe that he should participate in the harder and more demanding parts of parenting. There is a lot more going on here than him 'just' being a crap shag - he sounds like a selfish, immature twat who thinks his dick is more important than his child or his partner's needs.

Lucyellensmum95 Tue 02-Apr-13 11:00:11

Back to reality: The real issue here is that he has gotten into the habit of not helping with bedtime because well, you are the one with the breasts so it was, i guess, an easy habit to get into. Does he help other times?

Those are the real issues - how much he "helps" with HIS child. Its not about going on sex strike, its about being able to enjoy quality time together because you have worked as a team to sort your DDs sleep issues out.

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expatinscotland Tue 02-Apr-13 10:44:26

NO ONE has to have sex they do not want. Refusing to have sex you do not want, for whatever reason, is not abuse.

BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound Tue 02-Apr-13 10:44:02

Oh for gods sake,affection is not just sex and ignoring is not refusing sex.

seeker Tue 02-Apr-13 10:43:49

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BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound Tue 02-Apr-13 10:42:40

OP I hope you ignore that shit comment back there. Its not DA.

DH can have a five knuckle shuffle if he's that horny,however you need to talk to him about your dissatisfaction or it will lead to resentment. Of course he should help settle DD too.

WhoWhatWhereWhen Tue 02-Apr-13 10:39:48

OP did say she was considering going on sex strike, so i took that to be a refusal to show affection / have sex.

"More recognised forms of emotional abuse are control by fear, control by manipulation and control by withdrawing affection or ignoring a spouse."

pomdereplay Tue 02-Apr-13 10:26:54

Everything seeker has said. This is a sad situation indeed. No matter how much you fancy sex, feeling obliged to get up (running the risk of waking a difficult-to-settle baby) to go to him EVERY NIGHT is just awful.

My daughter is 13 months old. She is breastfed, has co slept with me since she born and still notices if I get up to leave her once she has settled. It literally is a case of picking my moments, sneaking away and enjoying the odd half an hour without baby that we can get. I can count the amount of times we have had sex in the last 6 months on one hand; usually, when we do have time alone we just chat! And not because we don't miss sex. We do, terribly. Luckily, DD won't be a baby forever and we will have quality time again soon -- it will be worth the wait and just surviving and respecting each other in the meantime is key.

Don't go on strike. If your DH really is too dim to realise how unreasonable his behaviour is, TELL him so. Then focus on you and baby and get some sleep.

EggyFucker Tue 02-Apr-13 10:20:29

Don't rise to the derailer

expatinscotland Tue 02-Apr-13 10:18:42

'his behaviour is awful but to deny sex completely is regarded as domestic abuse'

Um, no, it isn't.

seeker Tue 02-Apr-13 10:16:08

"This worries me a great deal, his behaviour is awful but to deny sex completely is regarded as domestic abuse"

April Fool's day was yesterday.

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