Would we be arseholes if we got married, and didn't invite anyone?

(156 Posts)
Theicingontop Mon 01-Apr-13 19:01:08

We've finally decided to get married, but we don't want the fuss or expense that's associated with a wedding.

No party, no wedding dress, no suit hires... No guests.

We get the feeling that if we invited people who'd be really disappointed to have not been invited (like OH's dad and nana for instance), that we'd piss off everyone else. Kind of a, if you invite some you have to invite them all, situation.

And if you invite hordes of people they'll expect an actual wedding, won't they? And not us just popping into a building to sign some papers, which is what it will be. Anti-climactic and a waste of time, right?

So would we be selfish, unreasonable arseholes for not inviting anyone?

From what I've read on here I'll be doing the majority a massive favour by sparing them the faff of a wedding anyway <hopeful>

ForSaletotheHighestBidder Mon 01-Apr-13 19:15:41

Do whatever you want. No matter what you do, someone won't like it.

We were going to go on holiday and get married while away except DH couldn't keep it quiet and told his family, so then we had to tell my family.. So we ended up with 5 extra guests, which was fine but it wasn't what we wanted.

My mother spent the whole couple of days "subtly" suggesting that it wasn't a proper wedding if we didn't have a priest or church of some flavour involved. I spent the whole few days the others were there justifying our choice to do things our own way. But we still did things our own way and I'm glad we did.

longingforsomesleep Mon 01-Apr-13 19:16:02

Not a single relative or close friend at our wedding, which was several thousand miles away so no chance of gatecrashers! We did have a big do when our first child was born though which I hope made up for it a bit. You only have one life - live it for yourself.

GemmaTeller Mon 01-Apr-13 19:16:02

We did this, had been together 20 yrs, didn't want a big wedding and all the stress that comes with it.

My son and DSD were witnesses then we went to our favourite chinese restaurant and had a great meal.

Came home and rang rellies to tell them - one sister made up for us, one sister happy (and secretly glad she didnt have to buy present), one sister said 'about time, who was there?' (reaction just as we thought!) and, listen to this one - SIL answered phone and said 'well, I don't know what your brothers going to say about this!' (reaction just as we thought!) ffs, who cares what my brothers thinks, I'm 50 grin.

Took cakes and chocolates into work on the monday and told the office and also told them not to do a collection or anything.

Don't regret doing it that way for a minute.

Mockingcurl Mon 01-Apr-13 19:16:57

We did that, it was brilliant. No family politics, no hassle at all. Just us. I hate being the centre of attention. No one was bothered.
But, that was 25 years ago and I do sometimes regret that I didn't have the dress etc. However, on balance, I would do the same again.

CandyCrushed Mon 01-Apr-13 19:17:10

Brilliant idea grin. We just had parents and siblings and their partners. There were 11 in total but I think no guests is fine too. You can book yourselves into a fancy hotel and restaurant and have a really special day.
My parents did that and a few of my friends too.

Good luck. thanks

Cakethrow Mon 01-Apr-13 19:17:18

YANBU

Your wedding - do it your way.
If I ever got married this is exactly how I'd do it.
Secretly, quickly, easily and probably abroad.
My family would understand.

SirChenjin Mon 01-Apr-13 19:17:49

SIL and BIL got married with just DH and I as witnesses and then presented "we got married today" postcards. His poor mother was in bits when they presented her with one, it was awful watching her sad

I think you have to be prepared for some people being upset, but ultimately it's up to you. I suppose the middle ground is to invite parents, grandparents and siblings only to a very low key thing at the registry office - why not invite them out for lunch, and when they arrive tell them that you'll be eating a bit later, all leg it up to the RO, do the deed and then go back and have a nice lunch?

I have to say - as a parent, I'd be quite upset if I wasn't invited to my children's weddings. I understand that it's their day etc etc, but still....

GreenShadow Mon 01-Apr-13 19:18:02

My DSis did this.

Her MIL was away with them, but our side didn't know until they got back.

I wasn't bothered and she only really did it like that as our DM had died a couple of years before and knew the rest of us wouldn't get worked up about it.

mumblechum1 Mon 01-Apr-13 19:18:52

We did it 22 years ago, we invited our 4 closest friends but no family. Everyone was fine about it.

TBH reading some of the wedding threads on here I get the impression that the only person who is actually enthusiastic about a wedding is the bride, everyone else seems to moan when they're invited.

abbyfromoz Mon 01-Apr-13 19:20:10

Ok i can only speak from personal experience...
We had a huge wedding- the whole shabang in Thailand with over 100 guests.
After all of it we spent so much time and money (!!!!) and stress over pleasing everyone that we were left with a few regrets and an empty bank account...
If we were to do it all again we would elope to Dubrovnik (where we got engaged) and have it in a little chapel overlooking the water with no one.

That being said there were 2 weddings which i have felt left a bad taste in my mouth. The first where friends eloped and we were where they were at the time of the wedding and they invited other friends and didn't tell us yet still expected a wedding gift.
The other where my cousin invited select few from our family. Some cousins and not others, some aunts and not others (we are all close and grew up together). They used the excuse that they didn't have the money and wanted to buy a house. (Funny that! Neither did we and still trying to save for a mortgage but hey ho!)
I think whatever you choose, be prepared that some people will not be happy. If you are willing to live with that then do whatever pleases you!

Gossipmonster Mon 01-Apr-13 19:20:16

Think we will get away with it as its second time round for us both - we are making a point of not sticking with any of the traditions that we did the first time round (ie fully intend on spending night before together etc grin).

hazeyjane Mon 01-Apr-13 19:20:17

Dh and I got married with just us, no guests, witnesses grabbed in the carpark. We went away for the weekend to do it, wore jeans and tshirts, drank a half bottle of champagne and ate brownies sat by the river afterwards, went for a pizza and back to our b&b. Heaven. It was a perfect day.

abbyfromoz Mon 01-Apr-13 19:20:31

P.s congratulations!!!

ENormaSnob Mon 01-Apr-13 19:20:58

We did it and don't regret it for a moment.

We did throw a big informal party a few weeks later though. Mainly because we both like a piss up.

YANBU at all - it's your call. Why have the hassle of organising a wedding when you're not even going to enjoy it/want any of it?

And I wouldn't worry about having a party/do/whatever afterwards - you don't have to 'compensate' for anything!

Personally I think it's lovely when a couple is more concerned about actually being married and not just about having a big flash 'day' smile

Emilythornesbff Mon 01-Apr-13 19:23:47

Good point abby
Congratulations.
The more I think about your suggestion the better an idea it sounds.

specialsubject Mon 01-Apr-13 19:23:59

JFDI.

And good for you.

Do it.
The type of relative or friend who would be upset at not being invited, would also probably be upset if it was anything other than a full-blown church + massive reception + band type affair, so you may as well do it the way you want to, rather than a compromise where noone gets what they want.

Clary Mon 01-Apr-13 19:24:27

My Bil and his wife got married and didn't even invite my Mil (ie his mum). She seems to not have been bothered.

It's up to you really, I agree you will piss someone off whatever. Don't you want to mark the day with your nearest and dearest tho - ie siblings, parents, kids? Only needs to be a dozen people at Pizza Express if you like.

Can't imagine getting wed and not wanting anyone there. Maybe that's just me. The most amazing thing about my wedding was all the wonderful people who turned up to see us grin

MrsHoarder Mon 01-Apr-13 19:24:37

Also their reaction might depend on whether they want you to get married. If there is a lot of family pressure for you to be married then they might well not mind as long as you tie the knot. Especially thinking of older generations here.

CharmingCats Mon 01-Apr-13 19:25:09

Having had a wedding to please everyone else myself, i would whole-heartedly recommend doing what you both want. It is your wedding.
My mother insisted on 'hosting' mine, which she then referred to as 'our' wedding, including herself in that, as in, 'at our wedding we'll have.......' I still resent it 3 years later to the extent that I do not have any of the photos on display (my parents do) and we do not celebrate the anniversary (my parents do).
Weddings bring out the worst in people because they are so emotive. everyone has expectations and you cannot hope to fulfil them all. don't even try. if I could do it again, I would do what you're suggesting or combine it with a honeymoon somewhere beautiful.

Emilythornesbff Mon 01-Apr-13 19:25:16

A party or reception might give you the same bloody stress as a wedding.

Definitely do whatever feels right.

Ooh, all excited for you now.

OryxCrake Mon 01-Apr-13 19:25:29

We did it a couple of years ago after 25 years together. Our DC were old enough to be witnesses so it was just the four of us. Went for a meal afterwards and it was a really lovely day. We told our parents a few months later...

It was exactly the wedding we wanted and to be honest, our families were just happy for us that we were happy. Nobody was upset that they weren't invited and that we didn't have a 'do'.

Clary Mon 01-Apr-13 19:26:30

Have to say tho if DD or either DS got married and I wan't there I would be rather sad (looking into future somewhat!)

McNewPants2013 Mon 01-Apr-13 19:26:53

I would be upset if I didn't get an invite to my own children's wedding, but that would be my problem and not thiers

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