Would we be arseholes if we got married, and didn't invite anyone?

(156 Posts)
Theicingontop Mon 01-Apr-13 19:01:08

We've finally decided to get married, but we don't want the fuss or expense that's associated with a wedding.

No party, no wedding dress, no suit hires... No guests.

We get the feeling that if we invited people who'd be really disappointed to have not been invited (like OH's dad and nana for instance), that we'd piss off everyone else. Kind of a, if you invite some you have to invite them all, situation.

And if you invite hordes of people they'll expect an actual wedding, won't they? And not us just popping into a building to sign some papers, which is what it will be. Anti-climactic and a waste of time, right?

So would we be selfish, unreasonable arseholes for not inviting anyone?

From what I've read on here I'll be doing the majority a massive favour by sparing them the faff of a wedding anyway <hopeful>

If they will be really disappointed I'd have parents, grandparents, siblings and that's it.

DomesticCEO Mon 01-Apr-13 19:03:19

We didn't have anyone at our wedding - they get over it!

FredFredGeorge Mon 01-Apr-13 19:03:58

No-one seemed bothered when we did it...

... go for it, and don't fall for the "yes do it, but have a big party seperately" from people who love weddings, as they really want you to have all the hassle of one anyway.

makingdoo Mon 01-Apr-13 19:04:10

Your wedding so do it whatever way you and your DP like.

My opinion is that whatever you do someone will be upset so just do what suits you both.

Is there a compromise that could be reached? Like immediate family only?

StanleyLambchop Mon 01-Apr-13 19:05:07

I thinkIi would invite parents & Grandparents , siblings if we were close. I could not personally bear the thought of poor Nana being upset!

Gossipmonster Mon 01-Apr-13 19:05:37

We want to do this but can't as we have family and our own DCs who will be massively hurt/pissed off.

We have decided to have a joint birthday party instead and have a surprise wedding during the party.

We figured anyway who can't be arsed to make the effort to come to our birthday party doesn't deserve an invite to our wedding grin

karatekimmi Mon 01-Apr-13 19:05:59

That's what we did, got married in Vegas on holiday. No one really minded too much (other than my sister) saved ourselves a fortune. Your lives, your decision. They have 2 options - get over it or don't!!

SorrelForbes Mon 01-Apr-13 19:06:25

My sister did just that and everyone was ok with it. Their choice. DH and I tried to do the same with just our sisters as witnesses but his DM got wind of it and said shed never forgive us if she couldn't come. In the end we had 10 people there (plus us!). It was 8 too many and I squirmed with embarrassment throughout. I hate people looking at me.

Stick to your guns!

sue52 Mon 01-Apr-13 19:07:23

Would you be able to have a bit of a party after the event to smooth any ruffled feathers?

headinhands Mon 01-Apr-13 19:08:11

We did it on the sly too. DM and DDad don't talk so it was a bit of a 'mare working out what to do so registry office then pizza hut it was for us. Then home to watch Dr Who with a glass of bubbly. Perfect.

bigbluebus Mon 01-Apr-13 19:08:36

My brother did exactly that. He and his wife to be and another couple of friends took themselves off to the Registry office and got married (both couples). They were witnesses for each other. They went to the pub for lunch afterwards. They rang everyone the next day to tell them the news! My Mum was not impressed. My Dad with the Scotch blood was impressed at how much money he had saved in not having to buy my Mother a wedding outfit!

There was nothing anyone could do after the event. They all got over it!
It is your wedding - do it how you want.

My friends did this. At first their families were a little taken aback, but everyone got over it, and they had nibbles in the pub a few months later to celebrate with friends, and a posh meal with parents.

FWIW I would love to get married that way ... can't as OH's family would be hurt that they missed out on free food and booze.

McNewPants2013 Mon 01-Apr-13 19:09:39

There was a lady on here who got married and had 2 MN users as witness's.

Go for it, your wedding your way.

headinhands Mon 01-Apr-13 19:10:02

gossip that's a lovely idea! You have to come and tell us all about it afterwards.

Pandemoniaa Mon 01-Apr-13 19:10:38

Having read the various wedding threads currently running, DP and I were discussing the minefield that is a wedding today. We came to the conclusion that it is a rare wedding which doesn't contain some elements that upset somebody.

I don't have a solution since I'm equally unimpressed by the uncompromising "It's UR day, hun" approach to things either but ultimately, if having a really quiet wedding is the right choice for you then you may need to accept that some people will might take umbrage. But on the other hand, a spot of umbrage may well be preferable to having the sort of wedding that is a complete compromise and not at all what you want. Because yes, when it comes down to it, it is your wedding day.

DomesticCEO Mon 01-Apr-13 19:10:40

Those saying immediate family only, it was my MIL who would have ruined our wedding day so not an option for us sad.

iloveholidays Mon 01-Apr-13 19:10:55

Watching with interest as we're in a similar position... Was just thinking of parents which would be 4 + us and our 3DCs. If invited siblings would be another 5 plus their other halves another 5 plus all their kids another 10! Suddenly already 24 plus us. I think we'd upset certain grandparents and potentially aunts/uncles.

My ideal would be to just have parents and siblings at registry office then go for a meal after with everyone else but I reckon some would still be offended.

I would say do what you want to do but just be prepared for comments/upset.

Congrats by the way!!

LeChatRouge Mon 01-Apr-13 19:12:15

My uncle and aunt got married, didn't invite anyone, just sent a postcard: "Got married today, lots of love" We didn't mind, good for them.

My neighbours got married, didn't even take their children, just them and some random witnesses.

I say it for you, about you and what you two want. Do it your own way.

chandellina Mon 01-Apr-13 19:12:42

It's your event, no one else's, so do what you want. We did it on the sly, my mother wasn't happy but she'd actually done it in a similar way without her parents so it's a family tradition now!

WafflyVersatile Mon 01-Apr-13 19:12:51

It's up to you. If your parents want to throw a party for you later then let them..?

adagio Mon 01-Apr-13 19:13:36

We did a 'just us' number - told immediate family the day before we flew on holiday (to avoid any surprise guests arriving!). Best thing we ever did - had already been living together for over ten years, and the way we looked at it we were marrying each other because we love one another and wanted to, not for a big party for everyone else.

Obviously no gifts etc - I think the family's were delighted genuinely fine about it avoiding expense and happy for us doing it our way. Neither of us are showy people and to be honest being centre of attention for a day sounds like living hell for us both! (thats before you get into costs etc)

We did however get lovely clothes and a professional photographer, so we have the memory captured (and I got to have the type of dress I dreamed of as a child - which I then immediately sold on my return so made half the money back straight away).

MewlingQuim Mon 01-Apr-13 19:14:25

We had 11 in total at our wedding. Bride and groom, 2 sets of parents, siblings and one gran. I would recommend it!

Emilythornesbff Mon 01-Apr-13 19:14:53

YANBU.
If you really feel that very close relatives (eg parents, if you have them) would be deeply troubled then talk to them. You could have the teensiest ceremony, just vows and signing.

Tbh, some ppl would find it a bit of a relief.

Weddings can be very stressful and costly. If you've found a way to avoid these problems then good for you.

<but I'm invited right??>

countrykitten Mon 01-Apr-13 19:15:33

We did this and everyone was fine about it! Just do it.

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