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I don't want to be bridezilla but...

(150 Posts)
milf90 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:20:35

Ok future sil got engaged 3 months before us, she was planning a July wedding for next year, but after we said we were planning for August next year, theirs got brought forward (I think this was more due to cost ten because of us, but it does work better fr our families anyway) to August this year (not quite booked yet. We sorted our venue out about a month ago and booked it, I have alwad wanted to get married at this venue and I was only a case of if we can afford it.

Sil asked us before we has booked, If she could book it because they had an offer on. We booked it, so she disnt go for it, which I'm really greatful for - but I have to say I was a bit put out she was considering it, given the only reason we wouldn't have gone for it would have been because we couldnt afford it

Anyway, I have had some annual leave so I have been super organized with arrangin things - we've booked the dj, photographer and chair cover hire. Sil rang dh and asked if she could have the numbers of all the people we have booked so she could use them too??? I have to say inwas a bit cheesed off, I had put a lot of effort into finding them, negotiating good deals and finding people who were use to the venue etc. my bridesmaid (who used to be a wedding planner) was even more annoyed than me and said this was out of order. I gave herthe websites for her to look at (didn't feel like I had much choice unleas I wanted to look like a bridezilla)

She then told oh she is having the same colour scheme as me?? This is what has upset me really, because the colour scheme I have chosen is very personal to me ad oh, so I don't feel like I can change it. I know these things aren't just 'mine' and she has every right to chose what she likes, but I just feel like we are going to look like we copied her, iv just go to hope that people won't remember sad also they have a lot more money than us, so I have already tried to make it really personal to us because we can't 'compete' with all the lavish things they can ad I don't want us to be compared if that makes sense?

My bridesmaid seems to think she is doing it on purpose and predicted all this would happen before it did. I thought she was being ott until it actually dis happen sad

I also made a group on Facebook to get addresses for save the date cards and ivitations and sil made a rather patronizing comment about we need to save money an she wasn't going to send them so we shouldn't etc. The only reason I was doing it was because I had thought of a cute idea that would only cost usnpostage

Lottashakingoinon Mon 01-Apr-13 19:02:52

No, because July and August next year don't clash.

C'mon Soup effectively they do...there's a world of difference btween a month apart and a year apart and even the OP said that the moving forward of SiL's date made it easier for the families (and yes there were money reasons too, although I am sure SiL would have preferred an extra year to save!).

The bottom line is that I really don't see that OP is the innocent put upon victim here. Bridget has put it beautifully clearly IMHO.

Pandemoniaa Mon 01-Apr-13 19:04:53

As for the colour scheme, I'd be pissed off too but there's not much you can do about it.

I truly don't understand how anyone can think that they "own" a colour scheme let alone assume that their choice of colour scheme rules it out for anyone else. It smacks of supreme self-importance, to be honest as well as a total lack of awareness since if everyone took this approach, the entire spectrum of colours would have been exhausted years ago.

BikeRunSki Brazil Mon 01-Apr-13 19:08:55

YAB a bit U

BiL and SiL got married on our first anniversary. She wore the same non-white coloured dress as me (hers was a Monsoon copy of my Amanda Wakeley). MiL made them exactly the same cake as she had made up, iced exactly the way I had designed it.

You know what - I don't care. it was different couple, different guests and a different party for a different marriage.

Although I think I might have been a bit shock angry sad at the same venue. At least our photos look different!

phantomnamechanger Mon 01-Apr-13 19:09:18

when my M&D got married, her sister actaully pinched their date - she was "allowed to" by family because the odler sister SHOULD be married off first hmm so M&D put their wedding back a month - then some people didnt come becasue they wouldnt travel to 2 weddings so close together

YANBU OP - she is a strange one wanting to copy and not wanting to do all the sorting and choosing herself!

Coconutty Costa Rica Mon 01-Apr-13 19:11:25

Also, how does she know your colour scheme?

SoupDragon Mon 01-Apr-13 19:22:03

The bottom line is that I really don't see that OP is the innocent put upon victim here.

Neither do I but nor do I think the future SIL is the type to bring her wedding forward to avoid a non-existent clash. Besides, the OP has been complaining about the SILs wedding choices since before she was engaged.

expatinscotland Mon 01-Apr-13 19:25:02

Here's a newsflash: other than the bride and groom and perhaps some immediate family members, NO ONE GIVES A FUCK THAT YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED.

YABU and Bridezilla.

Crack on with it and be done with it.

maras2 Mon 01-Apr-13 19:31:35

I don't like your user name.Especially as your soon to be husband is a teacher.Oh, and you are being very unreasonable.

Bridgetbidet Mon 01-Apr-13 19:33:30

SoupDragon, having a few weeks between weddings IS a clash. People have to take time off and travel to the wedding and often go to a great deal of expense to attend one. New outfits, presents etc. If the dates are only weeks apart that is a clash. People won't be able to take the time off to travel twice, they'll cut back on what they spend on the wedding and won't be able to spring for a new outfit twice.

It wouldn't have mattered to the OP that much. HER guests would only have been invited to one wedding and it wouldn't have made much difference. However the groom and the SILs guests are the ones who might have decided that they couldn't attend both or would only give small presents. OP managed to inflict a pretty big blow against her SILs wedding by potentially nicking half her guests before she'd even starting planning properly.

To be honest I really think it's a bit ridiculous to suggest it was for other reasons. It would be horrible to have your thunder stolen like that. It would feel horrible to have that done to you.

To be honest I have to admit that I'm rather loving the SiLs work. She's obviously having a fantastic time getting her own back. And good for her. The OP has no right to complain about her thunder being stolen when she was the one who started the whole game playing.

Lottashakingoinon Mon 01-Apr-13 19:34:36

In fact I think you and I pretty much on the same page Soup but I have just re-read and realised that the SiL did not book the venue even though they had a special offer on, precisely because OP wanted it, but OP was upset because she even considered it. If that isn't Bridezilla then I don't know what.
(And I will just whisper again that the clash was not non-existent and that it was entirely the OP's doing but I know this is where we will have to agree to differ...)

Bridgetbidet Mon 01-Apr-13 19:36:53

And as the OP says, bringing the wedding forward 'does work better fr our families'. Reading between the lines it would have caused problems for their families otherwise. And those problems would purely have arisen because the OP went for August knowing full well it would cause problems.

GoLadyEdith Mon 01-Apr-13 19:40:37

So...your future sil will be getting married a whole year before you. Frankly even if you stick with your colour scheme, your choice of seat covers (?) etc etc NOBODY WILL REMEMBER (and if they do they won't CARE) that there were similarities between the two ceremonies.

<still thankful as f* after 20+ years that dh and I got married in the local registry office at short notice with close family the only guests>.

milf90 Mon 01-Apr-13 19:46:13

Thank you for all your replies

Just to clarify a few things:

I gave her the details of the people/company she wanted amd I also gave her some websites I found useful

She did not book her wedding for July, she was thinking of doing it round this time but then started looking at earlier because ofthe good deals that are around because it's short notice and 2013. I'm not sure if us going for August has anything to do with it. As some of you seen I asked if inwas bu before for chosog a date close to sil's and the majority said no. We are constained to school holidays due to oh's occupation and our honey is in August (gift from my parents and it is a set week) we also want to have another baby and don't want the age gap to be too big (we are bein bugged already) so we didn't want to put it off another year, plus we also want to save for a bigger house after wedding etc.

The colour is nothing special, but my idea and the reason behind it is and it won't really work woth another colour. I'm quite embarrassed now so don't really want to share and have it torn to shreads!

As for my username: it was a joke between me and oh when i frst got pregnant and iv just kept it for all baby related forums. Lighten up a bit ;)

I just want our day to be special and enjoyed by all

milf90 Mon 01-Apr-13 19:48:08

Dammit honey moon! Sorry for typos sad

mumofweeboys Mon 01-Apr-13 19:52:09

Hi

Id be glad she mived the wedding forward and didnt book the same venue.

I would be fuming about the colour scheme - some people have no imagination if their own.

I wouldnt be bothered about her using the same dj ect as good trial run for your wedding - she sounds a bit insecure to me and seems to value your choices or she could be a bit lazy.

At least there is a whole year between the weddings so dont think it will matter by the time it comes to yours.

Still18atheart Mon 01-Apr-13 19:52:27

Ok so you do sound a bridezilla but i would be too. YANBU

glossyflower Mon 01-Apr-13 19:54:51

milf don't worry about what some mners on here say. Some people just go straight for the offensive just because they can.

AnnaRack Mon 01-Apr-13 19:56:18

Will any of this matter in a year's time? 5years? 10 years? Till death us do part etc.

maras2 Mon 01-Apr-13 19:56:26

Lightened up a bit,still not funny.

Bridgetbidet Mon 01-Apr-13 20:03:45

I still think YWBU picking a date at that time when you knew your sister in law was intending to book around then. People on here may have told you that you WBR but they're not the ones who's wedding you were trying to upstage. And to be quite honest you shouldn't have been asking on here, you should have asked your SIL if she minded.

You really didn't leave your SIL with much choice but to move the date. All of the reasons you've given - none of them meant that you unavoidably had to have that date. I'm sure your SIL could probably give a similar list of reasons why your chosing of that date has inconvenienced her and doesn't fit in with what she would ideally want to do.

To be honest when you went and picked that date you lost the moral high ground which would have allowed you to complain if she trod on your toes re colour schemes, save the date cards etc, etc, etc.

Incidentally I think the wisest thing for you to do is keep your gob shut and smile and grit your teeth because hopefully you're going to have the same in laws for the rest of your life and I seriously doubt whether you have covered yourself in glory already. After the whole date incident if you start causing a fuss about them using the same photographer or catering company you are going to make yourself a) look like a right bitch, b) look like a total hypocrite because you've already trodden on her toes far more. And she sounds like she's perfectly capable of starting even more of a war about this if you push her.

I'm sure your in laws are being too polite to say so, but I really suspect that the whole engagement a few months after her then booking your wedding around the same time has raised more than a few eyebrows.

Lastly - when you look back on your own wedding you probably won't care if your SIL had similar coloured bridesmaids dresses a year before or had the same canapes. You WILL care if your whole wedding was tainted by bad feeling within the families and that will also set the tone for your relationship with the in laws in years to come. Any bad feeling created won't be worth it for the sake of the shade of a few flowers and the typeface on your save the date cards.

Believe me. It's really not worth it.

TheTiger Mon 01-Apr-13 20:04:18

I think she is being very unimaginitive and basically copying you. You must have planned a lovely wedding for her to want the same! smile

You need to think of small personal touches that will make your wedding stand out and people will remember. For example little baskets of toiletries,etc in the bathrooms with a note saying that they are from you for your guests. Sweetie buffets make a big impression on people and don't have to be expensive.. I think mine cost £100 for everything (used mine, my mum's and sisters' vases etc. and bought sweets from cash & carry). People raved over it and still mention it to me now. You can get the hotel to set it up at night as a surprise.

We also had a 'tree' of wedding photos of all our married guests which no one knew about, so everyone was looking for their photo - some funny 80's ones!

Dont tell her any more of your plans, and remember: only your in-laws will be at both weddings. No one else will know what is the same. And once her wedding is over, everyone will be looking forward to yours!

milf90 Mon 01-Apr-13 20:17:37

Maras2 I wasn't trying to make u laugh, I said it was a joke between oh and I ;)

I wasn't trying to upstage sil at all. We couldnt have afforded to donit any sooner and we cant afford weekend prices. We possibly
Could of afforded for Easter but would have had the same situation and Xmas hols would have been expensive or the venue is closed.

milf90 Mon 01-Apr-13 20:18:46

Thank you tiger, those are lovely ideas! Inwas thinking something similar with the sweetie budfet and love the tree idea smile

oscarwilde Mon 01-Apr-13 20:24:10

Yabu and yanbu grin Your SIL is either being a cow or more likely she is stressed (having brought her wedding forward by a year), lacking in imagination (and likes your taste) or doesn't really care (hasn't planned this since she was 3ft tall). I can understand why you are irritated and annoyed but speaking as someone who arranged a wedding in a hurry and wasn't too fussed about all the usual fripperies, it really wouldn't have occurred to me that I would be causing offense to have similar colours or ask for recommendations. It's an awful lot of money to get it wrong.
Unless your SIL is doing really horrid stuff and engaging in blatant oneupmanship I would simply ignore. Your wedding is a year away, you can simply say you haven't thought about it yet, feed her misleading information or share your shortlist of suppliers and leave her to leave her to choose the final one?
Or you could offer to help? Might be handy experience grin

aldiwhore Mon 01-Apr-13 20:24:48

All this shit would be avoided if people didn't tell anyone about their plans.

To bride everywhere, including close family and friends: I hope you have a lovely LOVELY wedding, I wish you well, I don't want to know a single solitary thing about it apart from where I have to be at what time.

Don't tell anyone. Let them see your amazing day through eyes that haven't been sabotaged by the ears, who in turn haven't been bored to tears by the bride and her obsession with different shades of peach.

Say nothing. Because if you don't, quite naturally, anyone else you know who's getting married might, completely understandably think "Oh never thought of that, what a great idea" and then you will be turned into Bridezilla despite your best intentions.

You don't have to make it some massive secret, you just respond with "hmmm, I've narrowed it down to a million options".

YABU (but no different than any other Bridezilla on AIBU, and certainly not the worst) x

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