selecting only certain children at wedding.

(213 Posts)
frangipan Mon 01-Apr-13 09:13:36

how badly is this received? It comes down to money at the end of the day so decided to cut costs by not inviting any children, except bride and grooms child, grooms brothers child and brides sisters child. Thing is there are lots of younger cousins on brides side but only 3 younger cousins on grooms side.

So this basically means one grooms aunt/uncle will not be able to bring their children on grooms side as all other cousins are adults or invited child.

Aunt with the small children was asked to do the cake, she said she would do it as a gift (normally would cost £250-£300, v lucky) to save money. But we hadn't mentioned the no children bit. Invites are about to go out. How bad is this going to get?
(Places hard hat on)

EostreChaoticResurrEggtion Mon 01-Apr-13 09:51:31

Weddings are a family occasion

In your opinion, doesn't mean everybody else feels the same way.

OP I'd invite this aunts children seeing as she's making the cake.

EostreChaoticResurrEggtion Mon 01-Apr-13 09:53:25

Meant to add whatever you do someone will complain it might as well be this.

Now really must go and walk Chaoticdog and stop her sulking.

frangipan Mon 01-Apr-13 09:54:37

I just can't afford to the extra expense it would cost to invite all the children from brides side. nearly £800!

Misfit13 Mon 01-Apr-13 09:55:21

Hi,
We did 'close family children' only and I regretted it. Husband's friend and wife turned up with 3 children anyway, so I spent the first part of my reception dragging extra chairs from a store room. These children didn't want to sit with the other children (understandable, as they didn't know anyone), so the whole seating plan (it was long tables/banquet set up) was messed up. And I felt gutted for my cousin, who was there minus her lovely children sad
Apart from that, the separate children's meal at one end of the (quite small) room worked really well. They had standard kid's party food (basically chips and ice cream!), and all the waste, spillages and most of the shrieking was concentrated around the one table! The children really weren't as intrusive or expensive as I'd expected them to be and we could easily have managed with twice as many.

whosiwhatsit Mon 01-Apr-13 09:55:31

I think if you can't afford to invite the children then you can't afford the wedding you're planning. "Making it nice for everyone" isn't really what you're doing. You're making it posh and impressive, perhaps, but not "nice" for those with children who aren't invited, particularly your aunt. Is there anywhere else you can save money so that you could afford to invite the children? A less expensive price per head due to different menu selections, for example, if it's not too late for this?

Lottashakingoinon Mon 01-Apr-13 09:56:55

Okay Frang I take back my snippy remarks about the cost of the wedding, £800 isn't loose change in anybody's account....but

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN CAKE?? grin

You will be living with the fall out from this for years unless aunt is very relaxed and had loads if time in her hands that she just loves spending cake making for no financial reward.

I'd rethink. We had a problem with numbers at out wedding as fire regs meant an upper limit. We looked into children in a separate room with entertainer (wasn't too expensive) but in the end has the space for them to stay in the main room. Sure they were cheaper though - they had a different menu.

thegreylady Mon 01-Apr-13 09:57:10

Sorry you have to invite the children of cake making aunt. Otherwise it becomes really nasty. It may be possible for the venue to do a reduced price for under 10's and I think you should pursue that. You already have some children coming so it shouldn't be too hard to have the rest.

HollyBerryBush Mon 01-Apr-13 09:57:46

Op, elope, it's your only option, just run away!

So £60 a head for 3 children (surely not, ask for a kids menu/half portions) versus wedding cake

£180 or £300+

Simple economics say just invite the children. Otherwise you will be buying your cake. Seriously, you have missed the point here. But that isn't your fault, weddings do strange things to you. Yu never know, they might not take them. 6 out of the 10 children we invited didn't come (parents wanted a good old pissup)

ZZZenEggain Mon 01-Apr-13 09:58:21

if someone said to me, "we'd love to have all the dc at the wedding but we can't afford it", I would completely understand it. Thecproblem for the families is though they will have to sort out something for the dc

Maybe a different style of wedding feast works better with a lot of dc in the family.

ZZZenEggain Mon 01-Apr-13 10:01:30

have you spoken atvthe venue about organising 1-2 dc tables with simple dc food and asked them what they could do it for ?- Perhaps they would be accommodating

To everyone saying that because it's 60 quid a head for adults the op is being ridiculous to talk about financial constraints - what a load of tosh! Being able to Ashford 60 quid a head for adults does not equate to being able to afford 20 -30 a head for multiple children which could quite easily be close to a grand and totally change the type of wedding. As usual many many people are totally missing the point.

Op are the children on your side cousins too or children of cousins? Because you could get around inviting the aunts children by saying they are cousins and all cousins are invited. Or if the grooms family is smaller you could get round it this way.

Or talk to the aunt. She may not mind not bringing them. I know I wouldn't mind at all and it wouldn't make a difference to the present I was bringing.

Or don't invite any cousins, adult or children.

Other than this children of immediate family only is fine.

Have you spoken to the Aunt? Explained the situation? We don't know her so how could we tell you what she thinks about making the cake as a gift but not bring her children when other will be?

ceres Mon 01-Apr-13 10:05:42

what is the norm among your friends and family? you need to go with that.

personally i have only ever been to one or two weddings where there were lots of children. i'm irish and child-free is the norm - apart from close family children i.e. neices and nephews.

LouiseD29 Mon 01-Apr-13 10:07:13

Frangipan, don't know I'd this helps, but I was in a similar situation last year - if all our wedding guests had brought their kids there would have been about 35 kids - just far too many. Anyway, we spent some time carefully wording a request on the invite that went along the lines of 'children are welcome, but if all of you bring them there'll be no food left for the grown-ups (or similar) so why don't you enjoy a weekend away without them'.

We also spoke to guests with children one to one to explain. Lots of people took the hint, as far as I know we didn't offend anyone, and we ended up with about 12 kids there on the day - much more manageable.

Good luck. It is tricky - people can be so funny about weddings!

BreasticlesNTesticles Mon 01-Apr-13 10:07:51

So adult cousins of bride/groom are invited but not child cousins? Is that right?

If it is then it makes no sense as it can't be about the money. You should invite no cousins surely regardless of age?

HildaOgden Mon 01-Apr-13 10:08:28

If you were to invite all the children...eg Cake Aunties kids,and the univited kids on the brides side...how much in total would that cost?

Could it be covered by leaving a few adults off the guest list,you know the ones that you're only inviting because you feel you have to?Every wedding has them!

I really don't think you can expect her to do a 300 quid cake,and then snub her kids.Can you imagine how many hours work she is going to put into that cake??

Cherriesarelovely Mon 01-Apr-13 10:09:22

Sorry yabu. Generally I totally understand the "no kids" rule, it wouldn't be my choice but I understand. However, my very lovely quiet Dd was not invited to my cousins wedding (none of the kids were on the brides side) but there were several children on the grooms side. I was pretty pissed off but then so was my auntie and several others. Imo it needs to be a fair rule otherwise people will quite rightly be offended.

ZZZenEggain Mon 01-Apr-13 10:10:08

she said 800 quid

Loshad Mon 01-Apr-13 10:11:19

I would just make an exception for cake cousins, and invite them, and anyone from your side of family that complains then tell them the whole story. Would be hard for folk to not understand why you invited them, but not the children from the other side of the family.

DontmindifIdo Mon 01-Apr-13 10:11:56

Well, to me, £60 a head sounds about right, we spent more than that if you added together the cost of the day and evening catering 5 years ago.

as the grand total of children you will have there are 3 (yours, one from each sibling) plus the cake making aunt's DCs, can you make all of them including the cake making aunt's DCs - bridesmaids/page boys?

That way you can word your invite 'no children' as most people wouldn't count the ones actually in the ceremony in that. If you say "only close family children" you risk other people assuming they are close family, not that you only meant siblings DCs.

If you think that a cake would cost in the region of £300-400 - then you can suck up the cost of the extra bridesmaid/page boy outfits...

sweetiepie1979 Mon 01-Apr-13 10:12:23

It's rude but people do it so you could just be one of those people.

have you actually spoke to the aunt - is she expecting kids to go

i only say this as i had a phone call last week asking would my dh be annoyed if i got an invite and he didnt ) i'm going to be the plus 1 for someone else (long story lol)

we are not in the slightest bit offended that dh and dc aren't invited

HildaOgden Mon 01-Apr-13 10:16:34

Thanks ZZ,I missed that bit.800 quid,wow.I think whatever way you handle this now,op,you're going to offend someone.Unless you cough up the 800 quid to invite all the kids.

Is there any other area you can cut back on?

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