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To think I married a fucking Neanderthal?

(191 Posts)
wongadotmom Mon 01-Apr-13 08:29:48

We have been having a row about a stag do DH is going to that's coming up in a few weeks time.

I work shifts (NHS) and I pointed out to him that I am rostered to work that weekend so I have told him he will have to make arrangements for childcare for DS(4) before he goes.
DH works mon-fri term-time only so my unsocial hours shifts are not usually a problem re: childcare.

He said that I knew he would be going on this stag do around this time so I should have requested those shifts off so I will now have to sort childcare as it's my fault!

I explained to him AGAIN that I am only allowed a maximum 4 requests per 4 week period and I have used up all those on the wedding weekend (5 hour drive away) and for a day when DS's nursery is closed.

Now he is saying that I should have requested the stag-do weekend off rather than the wedding weekend as we are only invited to the evening do and do I really want to go all that distance just for a night do?

I said not really but I thought that he thought it would be more important for us to be at the wedding celebration than for just him to go to the stag and not us the wedding.

He said that the stag do is more important to the men than the wedding. The wedding is more important to the women.

I said I don't understand that, it makes no sense to me!

He said "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE A WOMAN"

Please help! AIBU? Or have I married a fucking Neanderthal? I am really upset sad

Helenn: So you only work outside the home 9 hours a week, but apart from that you're on domestic duty 24/7 inside the home? What leisure time do you get - to see a friend, read a magazine, even have a bath without DC banging on the door?

MidnightMasquerader Wed 03-Apr-13 18:27:37

Helenn, you're nothing more than a domestic appliance to him, there to do his bidding.

Would he be able to live the life he does, if you weren't holding the baby, sweeping and dusting and doing his laundry?

Do you get any time off yourself?

Oh, and another question for you - do you fancy someone who treats you like a domestic appliance/personal skivvy?

ChasedByBees Wed 03-Apr-13 18:20:51

You may love him it he is massively disrepectful towards you. Would you ever speak to him or treat him like this? I doubt it.

Helennn Wed 03-Apr-13 16:14:23

No, not as bad as that sgb. I only work 9 hours a week due to lack of childcare etc so find extra work if I can. But, I do all childcare, housework etc.
he plays golf every Saturday so I can't work then either. but, because he works hardest he thinks he is entitled to spend it.

No worries about violence though.

HoneyStepMummy Wed 03-Apr-13 16:07:58

Also pretty insulting to the bride and groom- he doesn't want to spend time and money going to the wedding with his wife, but he'll spend the time and DC's money getting wasted at the stag night.
We're all presuming he's a teacher since he works term time. Why can't he get an extra job??? Tutoring, private lessons, or shelf stacking during term time. Summer job when schools out.

DisorganisednotDysfunctional Wed 03-Apr-13 16:00:13

YANBU at all!!!! I'm not sure if your DS is a Neanderthal but he is B totally U. Tell your DH that childcare for the stag weekend is his problem, and he will have to sort it as you will not. And don't give in. Insist he makes proper arrangements and shares them with you.

Amazed (and somewhat appalled) by people saying the stag do's more important to blokes than the wedding. It's a different world out there, sometimes.

My DH didn't have a stag do. He said he was absolutely thrilled to be marrying me and had no need to celebrate his supposed "last night of freedom". He felt the whole idea was a bit insulting to the bride and our commitment. Just one of the things he said/did that made me adore him.

HoneyStepMummy Wed 03-Apr-13 15:59:00

I would, and I have ended a relationship over a financial irresponsibility. I don't have an issue with an occasional lad's weekend, but to me the financial apsect would be a dealbreaker.
The OP's twunt of a husband is putting his selfish desires (not even needs but desires) over what anyone else wants or needs. He's OK about stealing from the kids and watching his wife work overtime to pay off debts so he can go off with the lads and get pissed drunk and take drugs. Nice. And it's not just the stag do lad's holiday, he goes out all the time without her.
What does the OP get out of this relationship? What would her husband do if she got hurt on the job/sick and couldn't work? What if the kids need or want something that they now can't get because he's pissed and snorted all their savings?

Helennn: I'm not surprised you're considering ending the marriage if your H is using you as a cash cow ie you work long hours to enable him to spend money on himself. It might be worth having a chat with a financial adviser, perhaps at a bank you don't currently bank with, about setting up a new account for your own money that this man cannot raid, and about separating your finances from his so he is responsible for his own debts. Just because you are married to him does not mean you have to obey him about allowing him to take all the spare money and indeed money your family doesn't have to indulge himself with. You can put your foot down.
If you think that cutting off his funds will make him become violent, do it behind his back and leave him - don't risk yourself. If you think he will leave you then let him go because he isn't worth keeping.

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Apr-13 15:47:21

Really stupid question: is mansview a man? Or am I missing some MN irony?

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Apr-13 15:46:03

Do you know what Helennn I really don't know.
I think I'd forgive or "put up with" a number of things now, having DC than I would have before. It's very difficult.
I just hope I never have to be tested in that way.

MansView Wed 03-Apr-13 15:34:11

yeah, he does sound like a complete cock...

Helennn Wed 03-Apr-13 15:20:58

I can't see how we are different tbh. I work more hours and rack up joint debts to try to make up for his spending. We only have joint accounts and credit so no different to op. It doesn't worry him, it causes me a lot of stress.

Would others finish a long marriage with children over this as well as expat? Serious question btw as I am considering it.

expatinscotland Wed 03-Apr-13 14:55:27

'Expat so me enabling my h to have access to the money he earns means its working for me in some way? Can you suggest some ways it may benefit me? The only way i see is that it means i remain married. If i completely "put my foot down" as my mum kindly suggested he would still go so i wd either have to leave or put up with it.'

He would still go because he has his own credit and earnings to pay for it.

This OP is different in that her spouse does not. She works more shifts and racks up joint debt so he can go piss it up a wall and he has access to the childrens' money.

That's enabling. If she thought, 'Fuck this! You want to go make a twat out of yourself once a year, you pay for it yourself!' then the logical thing would be to separate the finances and pay the bills in a split proportional to earnings and get rid of his access to the childrens' money.

Like I said, this would be a dealbreaker to me because only a twunt would do this to his family to go be a titwank with his cunty friends.

pollypandemonium Wed 03-Apr-13 14:48:05

I can't get the vision out of my head of a load of drunk flabby middle aged men gurning and raving around some club weekender in a off season drizzly tacky English seaside resort.

Not sure a twitcher or a home brewer would be my thing either though.

MaBumble Wed 03-Apr-13 14:33:35

Oi! I take exception to that Dublin is not a cesspit.

Like the evening hobbies idea tho ...

Caterkiller Wed 03-Apr-13 14:16:19

You are totally in the right. Assuming you didn't get married aged 16 the fact that you've got four children indicates that he is too old to go to stag dos anyway. At his time in life he should be contemplating "evening hobbies" that fill in the time after the children have gone to bed, not covorting around nightclubs and pubs selling poor quality Australian lagers in some cesspit like Blackpool or Dublin. Can I suggest home-brewing or buying a train set as an alternative.

Helennn Wed 03-Apr-13 14:10:53

Sorry, did t want to takeover thread, just my situation is v similar.

May I ask though op, is your h selfish in other ways as well, or is he otherwise a good husband?

Helennn Wed 03-Apr-13 14:07:23

Expat so me enabling my h to have access to the money he earns means its working for me in some way? Can you suggest some ways it may benefit me? The only way i see is that it means i remain married. If i completely "put my foot down" as my mum kindly suggested he would still go so i wd either have to leave or put up with it.

expatinscotland Wed 03-Apr-13 12:59:00

'Is it her responsibility to stop him from being selfish? Even if it were, it's not always possible and certainly not easy to make a change.'

No, but it's possible not to enable it. If you enable it, it will never change. Fair enough, because enabling it means it's working for you on some level, however warped, but at the same time you have to accept that if you enable it the behaviour won't change.

StanleyLambchop Wed 03-Apr-13 12:58:46

How is he getting the money from the kids account? If he is so rubbish with money, why is he named on the account? Can you change that to your name only, so he physically cannot access it? Get a passbook account, change your log-in online, anything but let him rob your kids accounts. Of all the things you say he is up to, that is by far the worse of the lot IMO.

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Apr-13 12:48:50

I don't think it's fair to blame the op for her H's behaviour.
Is it her responsibility to stop him from being selfish? Even if it were, it's not always possible and certainly not easy to make a change.

expatinscotland Wed 03-Apr-13 12:18:03

'As SBG says if he wants to throw his money down the toilet or up his nose or whatever that is not your problem.Unless of course he does it when caring for your Ds'

It's not his money he is using, though. He's using the kids' and getting into debt over it. And she's allowing it.

There's one born every minute, but with examples like this of how relationships work, it's no wonder so many grow up to enter into such unhealthy excuses for relationships.

Helennn Wed 03-Apr-13 12:14:02

Yes, but fairness does not come into it for him, does it? My h is just the same, he is entitled to his £800 golf holiday because he works so hard! He sid save for it every month, and does this regardless of if it was from the overdraft or not.

You have my sympathy op, i dont think you will ever change him tbh.

GetLippie Wed 03-Apr-13 12:01:22

As a married couple my money is his and vie versa and his debt is mine and vice versa

Maybe if you got married in the 1800s, it is. You can have separate bank accounts in the 21st Century.

HolgerDanske Wed 03-Apr-13 11:41:57

I think that, all the other quite important issues aside because they are yours to address as you see fit, in future you should work out a plan whereby he saves for this holiday from his earnings, monthly, in advance. This can start as soon as he gets back from his current trip. If there is no cash to put by due to the debt you are already saddled with from his last trip, then he will have to skip a year to allow him time to make it up. This is the only way it looks fair to me.

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