To think I married a fucking Neanderthal?

(191 Posts)
wongadotmom Mon 01-Apr-13 08:29:48

We have been having a row about a stag do DH is going to that's coming up in a few weeks time.

I work shifts (NHS) and I pointed out to him that I am rostered to work that weekend so I have told him he will have to make arrangements for childcare for DS(4) before he goes.
DH works mon-fri term-time only so my unsocial hours shifts are not usually a problem re: childcare.

He said that I knew he would be going on this stag do around this time so I should have requested those shifts off so I will now have to sort childcare as it's my fault!

I explained to him AGAIN that I am only allowed a maximum 4 requests per 4 week period and I have used up all those on the wedding weekend (5 hour drive away) and for a day when DS's nursery is closed.

Now he is saying that I should have requested the stag-do weekend off rather than the wedding weekend as we are only invited to the evening do and do I really want to go all that distance just for a night do?

I said not really but I thought that he thought it would be more important for us to be at the wedding celebration than for just him to go to the stag and not us the wedding.

He said that the stag do is more important to the men than the wedding. The wedding is more important to the women.

I said I don't understand that, it makes no sense to me!

He said "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE A WOMAN"

Please help! AIBU? Or have I married a fucking Neanderthal? I am really upset sad

xkittyx Mon 01-Apr-13 11:20:19

He's so wrong about the stag do being more important. My DH hates them and didn't bother having one. Getting married to me however was extremely important to him.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Mon 01-Apr-13 11:22:20

You married a self absorbed, sexist pig.

Stick to your guns. How dare he say that's because you're a woman?!? angry

Casmama Mon 01-Apr-13 11:23:23

You can't say he is wrong when he is expressing an opinion. You don't mention a hen do which would lead me to think that his friendship with the groom is the important one so if he would rather do the stag than the wedding that is up to him.
Think both of you should have communicated earlier.

EmpressMaud Mon 01-Apr-13 11:23:25

He is indeed a neanderthal and it's his responsibility here to arrange childcare.

What a lot of fuss and nonsense he's made about a stag weekend, too.

KansasCityOctopus Mon 01-Apr-13 11:24:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lucyellensmum95 Mon 01-Apr-13 11:24:40

It is up to him to sort childcare - its as simple as that. I cannot believe your OP!! What a wanker.

If the wedding is more important to women, and you have accordingly arranged childcare for that, then surely its his responsibility to sort childcare for the event that's more important to him?

Simples.

blondieminx Mon 01-Apr-13 11:27:27

What Tee said.

Tsk, he sounds like a right idiot sad

HolidayArmadillo Mon 01-Apr-13 11:29:17

Total twat head. I'm NHS too and this is the way it works in our house. If you are the person who would be doing the childcare if you didn't have other plans its your responsibility to sort out the childcare. If you want to go out you get it sorted. Last night for example I was on nightshift but my DH had made plans to go out clubbing hmm, the onus was on him to get them looked after as me going to work is the priority. Tell your DH to start looking for a sitter.

pollypandemonium Mon 01-Apr-13 11:31:26

Get a calendar, put stuff on it - first come first served.

He may be right about the wedding/stag do theory but it's not a groundbreaking intellectual observation. He's just a bloke. Act accordingly.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 01-Apr-13 11:37:10

Bloody stag do's can really bring out the worst in men. My dh hates them now - we've had so many rifts caused by them, and some men's idiot behaviour about them, in the past.

Tell him to stop being an idiot and if he wants to go to the stag do, he can arrange some child care.

Ignore all his attempts to derail the argument.

CSIJanner Mon 01-Apr-13 11:37:32

I quite like what Pumpkin and Tee said grin

Numberlock Mon 01-Apr-13 11:40:09

Just be careful he doesn't go off on the stag do leaving you stranded with no child care, depending on which comes first ie stag do departure or you setting off for work.

Why is he being such a dick about sorting childcare? It's hardly rocket science to either arrange a paid babysitter or call his mum/your mum/whoever usually looks after DC when both of you are going to be out of the house at the same time.

Is it possibly because whenever he wants to go out, you are expected to be at home looking after DC? Do the two of you ever go out as adults, together?

I'm pretty sure Neandethals took more interest in the welfare of their offspring wink.

He is being a selfish PITA, and I would point out to him that he either sorts childcare (why is that such a problem? confused) of the locks will be changed on his retiurn angry.

howshouldibehave Mon 01-Apr-13 11:55:25

He's being an arse, but I think there has been a clear breakdown in communication here. Had he assumed you'd booked the time off and you hadn't told him otherwise? Does he think you've deliberately not booked the time off because you don't want him to go to the stag night? Does he have a history of being like this.

On face value, yanbu but, playing devil's advocate, I don't think it's quite that simple. What would your DH post as an AIBU? ;)

BarredfromhavingStella Mon 01-Apr-13 12:06:14

What WhereYouLeftIt said

I do think that in terms of attending an evening wedding invitation and going on a stag (or hen) do, then as friends you see and interact more on the “do”. Brides and Grooms have duties and distant family to see to, so friends get pushed to the way side on the night. I am female and I probably would have opted out of the wedding, not the “do”, so his remarks are sexist. Completely different if it was a day invitation.
However, this is really about communication and attitudes to whose responsibility the childcare falls to.

wongadotmom Mon 01-Apr-13 12:10:40

He has admitted now that this 'stag do' is actually his annual middle aged saddos lad's holiday which usually takes place April/May each year organised by his best mate and involves the same 10-12 men. Now that one of the group happen to be getting married soon they are calling it his stag do.

DH didn't go last year, I presumed he decided not to go because we were in dire financial straits and ended up having to take out a massive bank loan which we are still paying back at a very uncomfortable rate.

He now says the real reason he decided not to go because he was scared of my reaction, that I would go apeshit at him as we were unable to afford a family holiday.

Yes there has been a breakdown in communication and he has not approached me in a civil manner about this. He said I am fucking well going on the lad's holiday this year cos I didn't go last year or the year before and one of the lads is getting married so I'm going.

He didn't ask me if I could take annual leave or whatever he just said I'm fucking going and that's it.

simplesusan Mon 01-Apr-13 12:13:33

I think he is right about men thinking more about stag dos than weddings.
Dh has been on stag dos when we haven't been invited to the wedding.

Anyhow it is totally HIS responsibility to sort out childcare when you are working. He is supposed to be looking after his child, so if he wants to toddle off without his child, then he needs to sort out proper childcare.

Do not allow him to bully you into sorting his problem out.
I fully appreciate how annoying this issue will become. I have been in your shoes where dh thinks he can "just go out," albeit when I have been at home, but even so it causes resentment the fact that women are just available at the drop of a hat.

Don't engage with him in the discussion.

He didn't ask me if I could take annual leave or whatever he just said I'm fucking going and that's it.

Is this his usual MO or totally out of character?

Emilythornesbff Mon 01-Apr-13 12:21:03

So he's still planning a lad's holiday (stag do) when you can't afford a family holiday?
And expects you to change your shifts to accommodate that?

Please tell me It've got that wrong.

StuntGirl Mon 01-Apr-13 12:21:30

Well can you financially afford it anyway if you're still paying back a ridiculous loan?

HoHoHoNoYouDont Mon 01-Apr-13 12:22:35

Calling him a Neanderthal is generous IMO. I wouldn't be upset OP, I'd be livid with him. What a horrible attitude he has to the whole thing. Perhaps he doesn't want to go the wedding in case the stag do antics leak out. If he's so desperate for a night out with the boys can he not do that another weekend. Or maybe it's the 'stag activities' which make this trip essential hmm

simplesusan Mon 01-Apr-13 12:26:15

I really feel for you op.

Can you slip something in his tea the night before, I'm thinking arsenic or similar?

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