to think you won't want to go diving 3 weeks after giving birth

(157 Posts)
ParadiseChick Sun 31-Mar-13 20:30:06

That's right, diving. On a pretty much restarted island. 5 hours drive away from your baby...

My darljng, crazy sister is 39 and expecting her first baby in July. She lives in south east Asia with her dh, both British but been out there for 7 years now. Charmed life, big income, large house, live in maid etc etc.

I've just got back from my mums who had her weekly Skype with ds is this morning. Mum has booked to go out to my sister's about 3 weeks after the baby is due to meet the baby, see my sister and help out. Today my sister asked mum if she would look after the baby for 3 nights whilst they go on a diving trip.

Sis and her dh are seasoned, experienced divers and pre pregnancy would be away on dive trips once a month. She's obviously itching to do it again as she hasn't been able to whilst pregnant.

She's planning to bf but will express.

The island they dive on is a 4 hour drive and 30 minutes on a boat. It is pretty much deserted apart from the dive club, only has power a few hours a day when the generator is put on to refill the tanks. I've been, it's stunning, but bloody cut off!

Mum is going out on her own, isn't that confident in the country, sticks to their pool and whatever restaurant the y drive her to of an evening. She'd be happier in an exclusive beach resort but hasn't had a holiday like that for years because she goes out to see dsis every year.

Mum said no. She's happy to look after the baby so they can go out for a meal or whatever but not 3 nights with a new born n a country isn't familiar with or confident in.

Sis took the higher and said something along the line of but you look after paradise kids. Yes, she's had ours overnight on a regular basis from about 12 weeks but we're 30minutes down the road on the end of a phone if need be.

All that aside - wtf? Diving? 3 weeks post birth I still felt like my insides were falling out if I walked any longer than 10 minutes and a bra hurt never mind a fucking wet suit!

and that your husband doesn't run away with your maid wink

Want2bSupermum Mon 08-Apr-13 18:13:38

Richman At this point I don't think you are adding value but simply attacking for the sake of it. Clearly you had a different experience and I am very happy for you that your transition to parenthood was problem free.

My only hope is that the OP's sister does not risk her health by diving so soon after the birth of her child.

SybilRamkin Sun 07-Apr-13 12:45:45

RichMan, I think you're being unnecessarily rude. Want2 has explained what she meant.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Sun 07-Apr-13 01:41:57

where often they either don't speak, or don't have a strong command of the local language.

She lives in Sing. They speak English. They're wealthy. She can afford an army of help. You can get western or local nannies in Sing plus mat nurses etc etc. It'll be fine.

Want2bSupermum Sat 06-Apr-13 02:01:26

Paradise That is what happened with DH and I. We were both moved out here for work and met in Hoboken, NJ through a mutual friend. To others we look like we are on an even keel but that is only because I hold my own.

That network of support is what I really miss. DH left on Weds for 10 days to Europe and will be home for 6 hrs before he flies off to Dallas for another 3 days. DD has her tubes going in on Tuesday. Thank goodness my PIL are coming over to help me with DD. DS will be 6 weeks on Monday and has horrible reflux. I know my PIL will be watching him as closely as I do and I especially trust my MIL not to lose her temper with him after 5+ hours of nonstop screaming. I couldn't leave him with a non family member. Our friends all have young children so fitting him in is really quite hard and given the way he screams I just don't feel comfortable leaving him with hired help.

ParadiseChick Fri 05-Apr-13 18:54:09

Want2 I found your posts interesting. My dsis went out there with work, still works and met her dh out there who is also an expat. I think on that basis they are more on an even n keel although I know how much I benefited from my family and I think it's dawning on her that she won't have that network of support.

Want2bSupermum Fri 05-Apr-13 12:02:42

Very happy to hear that others have not had their DH run off with the help. I have seen it happen....

As for not being vunerable, words fail me. It is how a lot of women feel who are giving birth in a foregin country where often they either don't speak, or don't have a strong command of the local language. It isn't just the giving birth part, it is the aftermath of figuring out your new family. It is a lot easier when you have family close by.

I put out there things that might be going through the OP sisters head. It doesn't mean that they are happening. While it is probable that the OP's sister is naieve with regards to post baby life, it is possible that there is something else going on. It wouldn't be right to not put it out there as the OP is obviously, and IMO quite rightly, concerned for her sister.

ThreeTomatoes Tue 02-Apr-13 19:27:07

I would be terrified to look after someone's new born baby for three days, alone, in another country with no help to hand. f'kn hell i'm not surprised your mum's putting her foot down.

ThreeTomatoes Tue 02-Apr-13 19:25:47

oh are they in for a shock!

she is majorly taking the piss, your poor mum shock

But anyway, i think she'll find she'll be foregoing the diving trip in the end anyway... Perhaps this is actually a non-issue, it'll solve itself come the time.

TheAccidentalEgghibitionist Tue 02-Apr-13 18:04:29

I'm an ex-pat and have been on and off for many years.
I certainly have not had the same experience as supermum If I thought for one second that my DH might run off with the help (not that I have any) for any reason, I would not be married to him. Nor do I know anyone who has had this experience. Very odd indeed.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Tue 02-Apr-13 14:12:48

yes i know- same in HK, but there are limits and 3 wk old baby would be outside it. in fact i reckon the reason ebf rates are so high is that women can sit on the sofa for a month and the house doesnt turn into a shit pit

ParadiseChick Tue 02-Apr-13 14:04:26

I'm just going on what I know of my sisters group of friends and the times I've been over. Help is cheap, so used a lot.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Tue 02-Apr-13 12:45:13

You are alone, in a foreign country and giving birth so very vulnerable

sorry supermum but I think you're projecting your own securities. I don't agree that expat mums feel more insecure than non-expat mums. It's not like we've been brought to the colonies on the slow boat to marry some plantation owner with no way back except a coffin.

Reading your comments I feel like the lightening's hit the old clock tower and I've been instantly transported back to the Raj- you're implying that women are having to keep their man happy or they will leave, so you must squeeze yourself back into your size 8's and give him a blowy or he'll shag the nanny and it will be YOUR fault for failing to be a nice little wifey. Happily most of the expat women I know have more self-esteem than that. They know that they're holding a good hand.

I suspect the OP's sister is just a bit naive and doesnt realise what a baby will entail (who does?) She's also having her first baby quite late, so it will be a big adjustment from DINKY to vomit covered mum. However, I also think the OP's impression of life in SE Asia with help isn't quite accurate. Yes, people leave older children with the nanny/ helper and go away for the weekend or for work, and people are very relaxed about hotel babysitters etc, but eyebrows would definitely be raised at leaving a 3 week old for 3 days, I can assure you.

diddl Tue 02-Apr-13 09:59:54

I was fortunate enough to have two easy births-no stitches or tearing.

But the overwhelming tiredness & the relentless bfeeding would have made it a no for me tbh.

depends if you are a person in their own right who believes they can survive as such or if you see your role in life and means of survival as landing and keeping a high earning man motherinferior.

sadly the latter is not uncommon.

motherinferior Tue 02-Apr-13 09:39:10

I don't think I could face living with someone who wanted to come first in my attention all the time, really. Not someone over the age of 10.

I think Dsis is mad, and your Mum is very sensible to say no.

However, I express for my DS2, am 3 weeks postpartum, express 3/4 times a day for 12 minutes and have a freezer crammed full of the excess already. I'm lucky, but I just wanted to say its not impossible if you, for some reason, have a good supply.

I also am back in pre-pregnancy clothes, feel fit and well and may have been on a trampoline. I still think she's nuts to consider diving. I know how lucky I have bed this time and its rare!

Weissbier Tue 02-Apr-13 07:31:47

YSBU for comparing what your mum does for you with what she does for her, because she lives at the other end of the world. I live abroad and I don't expect my parents to put themselves out at all because of that - my choice to go and live there.

If I were your mum I'd be tempted to just agree on the grounds that there is no way it will actually happen, but that could cause problems with your sister's DH if he's already booked the trip - only three weeks after the birth he may still not get it. I would also involve the doctor - or show them this thread...

Want2bSupermum Tue 02-Apr-13 06:35:01

mother For my DH it is more that he doesn't like not being #1 anymore. He jokes about it but I know his nose was out of joint for the first month or so. During my pregnancy DH never really knew what was coming. For other men, the lack of sex is an issue. It was a year of no sex for friends of ours and he walked on her when their DD was 4 months old. He had slept with the nanny at that point but ran off with the women who sat opposite to him on the train. Needless to say we don't consider him a friend anymore.

richman I am speaking from what I have seen happen to those around me. I wouldn't say this in RL to anyone but truth be told it is what a lot of wives think at various times. You are alone, in a foreign country and giving birth so very vunerable. Fear does funny things to people and to me the desire of wanting to go diving so soon after birth, to such a remote location, sounds like the actions of someone in fear. It might be fear of losing their freedom but it could be fear of something else. That is why I started my post with 'here goes'. It isn't what anyone wants for their sister. I put it out there because it could be something that is going through the mind of the OP's sister.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Tue 02-Apr-13 05:48:11

Here goes... As someone who is married to a lovely DH who earns a fair bit I think your DSis might be trying to please her DH. Her DH might not be saying or doing anything to warrant this. I was very happy for us not to HK and if we had gone I would never have 'help'. I went to school with quite a few expats and a large number had divorced parents as their father had run off with the maid. Some of these maids are not to be trusted and will pounce when they spot a moment of weakness. A DH with a good income and no sex for 6-8wks/ not being #1 anymore is a prime target.

OMG Supermum- you've talked some bollocks on here in the past but this takes the biscuit. I actually greatly pity you in your paranoid little life. If your Dh would shag someone else because you werent back into your jeans in 6 weeks then he's NOT a lovely man. He's a twat. And please dont come to HK. we really dont need people like you here.

MusicalEndorphins Tue 02-Apr-13 05:26:28

She may very well be ok for a lot of other activities, but not deep sea diving, or even swimming. Hopefully she will mention her plans to her doctor and be told of the risks.
Perhaps your sister should consider going on a vacation with your mother somewhere that your mother would enjoy instead of your mother going there? Not this time of course, but maybe Feb. 2015. They can visit together but your mother can actually enjoy her surroundings.

Want2bSupermum Tue 02-Apr-13 01:08:28

Op - FWIW I would handle this by telling DH that I would ask the dr and then tell him that the good lady said no. I did that when DH asked if I cld fly at 35wks, returning when I was 36wks. I would therefore suggest to your sister that she clears this diving with her dr.

If you suspect she is worried about her DH it might be an idea for a male in the family to have a chat, ideally someone who has had children so has half a clue. Your father, brother if you have one or your DH would all be good options.

ParadiseChick Mon 01-Apr-13 23:22:49

I hope so Edwin!

edwinbear Mon 01-Apr-13 21:31:46

I'm a keen diver and with all due respect, she is barking. If I had booked a dive trip 3 weeks after my EDD I would still have been in hospital as DS was 2 weeks late and I had a difficult birth which meant 5 days in hospital after a 2 day labour. She may be recovering from a c section. She is likely to still be bleeding and won't be able to use tampons. If she ends up very overdue, her milk may not even have come in yet so she won't be able to express at all. Diving is physically demanding, getting back in the boat with a tank on your back can be hard work, and having suffered a prolapse 6 weeks post delivery myself, throwing tanks about will do her recovering pelvic floor any favours at all. She risks infection if her cervix has not fully closed. What will she do on a remote island if she does experience any medical emergencies? That's just her, what about bonding with her baby and your mum being left with a newborn? I think as a family you will all laugh about this in years to come.

FannyBazaar Mon 01-Apr-13 21:31:44

I have just remembered that when I was a pregnant I asked MW whether flying to the other side of the world 3 weeks after the EDD would be permissible blush. It must have been sometime around the beginning of 2nd trimester that I asked, I really didn't have a clue about anything to do with babies and openly admitted this.

Come to think of it, MW didn't do anything to suggest it was completely ridiculous perhaps just mentioned that the logistics of arranging baby ticket and passport in time could be tricky or something like that. I held on to the idea for quite a while and was probably saved by cash flow problems more than anything else!

Just wonder if someone was posting on MN about me then? Apologies, genuine naivety. I was however, miraculously able to travel to the airport in my pre-pregnancy jeans to pick up my mother 3 weeks after the birth and that was enough.

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