To kick myself for allowing myself to be drawn in to SIL competitive parenting ?

(56 Posts)
Inseywinseyupthespout Sun 31-Mar-13 19:31:17

I'm raging with myself .

SIL is a very confident , outgoing scary woman ; she knows when she is right and doesn't give a crap what anyone thinks . She also doesn't give a crap what she says to other people even if its offensive or hurtful .

SIL is a competitive parent - she loves to make you feel like her way is right / best .

My DD2 and her DD1 are the same age - everything from pushchairs to baby milk was discussed during our pregnancies hmm

Apparently her pushchair was better because it parent faced, her choice of milk was better because it was more expensive and "more like breastmilk ..." Any decision I made, she always had a reason why she chose something "better". It irritates the fuck out of me and no matter how hard I try to ignore it , I find myself feeling inadequate and influenced in to "copying" her blush

I'm kicking myself today , as we were talking about saving for our kids etc - she said "my dd is going to be loaded as she will have her savings and will inherit our house ..."

DH and I don't own our own home and never will . I said that our DDs will have their savings , she replied "hopefully you will have enough saved to give them a deposit on their first house . My dd won't need to as she can just sell our house ..."

And I , I shit you not , replied "oh maybe I should look in to buying a house , because my DDs might not have that much .... " WTF blush

Why didn't I just say - "yeah hopefully you won't lose your job and your house ... Fuck off you condescending fuck ...."

WIBU to kick myself ?!

zwischenzug Sun 31-Mar-13 19:42:22

Why do you associate with her, she sounds like a self obsessed, money obsessed twat.

What sort of parent wants their kids to have everything handed to them on a plate anyway? Teach your kids the skills they need to find their way and life and leave them to it. Her "here have loads of money, oh and you'll get the house one day soon" is exactly the attitude that has created many feckless lazy middle class 20-30 year olds who barely do any work and just expect to sponge off their parents for life. I'd rather have a child who achieved something through their own efforts that I could be proud of, than achieved nothing but had an easy life.

selsigfach Sun 31-Mar-13 19:43:42

So she's hoping her and hubby die when their daughter is in her 20s to avoid having to save up for her first home? Hmm. Ignore the crazy woman.

parakeet Sun 31-Mar-13 19:44:24

Look, at least you have identified the kind of conversation you should avoid in future. There's being confident and there's being rude and boastful. What about cutting it off with the old MN classics: This way works for me, or That sounded rude, did you mean it to, etc.

HumphreyCobbler Sun 31-Mar-13 19:44:36

You need to practice your response to her. Just say, "Oh, that is nice" and STOP. Refuse to engage.

She sounds very annoying.

OestraJen Sun 31-Mar-13 19:46:17

Is she planning on actually dying when her DD is in her early twenties? Inherit? WTF?

confused

Stupid cow. Just laugh at her.

missmapp Sun 31-Mar-13 19:46:25

I had a friend like this, and , like you, I kept retaliating. In the end I would just repeat- It's a good job we are all different'.

I dont see her anymore, but with a SIL, that may not be as easy!!

blueballoon79 Sun 31-Mar-13 19:49:48

Just tell her, next time she starts "oh that's nice for your DD's to not have to work at life and have everything handed to them on a plate, but I'd rather my DD's worked hard for what they get and were strong, independent and confident. I really wouldn't want to have children that were reliant on me for their survival", then give her a smug grin and change the conversation.

You do know don't you that people like her are usually so insecure and worried about what people think and that's why they behave like this?

MrsBourneUltimatum Sun 31-Mar-13 19:50:02

My best friend is a bit like this- love her dearly but her partner is fifteen years older than us (and my husband, we are all around the same age) and he came with a house, savings and super, super rich parents. We don't own and are nowhere near owning but she's always bragging about how much their house is worth, how much they have in savings, how she doesn't need to work and how they could afford to go anywhere in the world on holiday blah blah blah. It's irritating beyond sense and I'm not saying I never feel jealous but with people like this you just have to remember if they were really happy they wouldn't be going on about everything they have. It's compensating for something else at the end of the day.

Nod and smile, nod and smile! Works with my SIL, her DD is 3m younger than DS2, and is bigger, has more teeth, eats better etc, and I get reminded about it every single time we meet. Me and DH have started to make a joke about it now, and cant look at each other when she starts in case we laugh!

TheFallenNinja Sun 31-Mar-13 19:53:31

I used to know a bloke like this. We used to call him two shits.

If you'd had one, he'd had two.

Just nod and smile. grin

Wee in her shoe. <drunk posting, but still valid response grin>

thezebrawearspurple Sun 31-Mar-13 19:56:18

Stop spending so much time with her, she can't brag to you if you're not there.

DontmindifIdo Sun 31-Mar-13 19:58:32

Oh no, if you are going to be sucked into it, only do it if you are going to go for the jugular, so you should have head tilted and and patronising smile and said "oh, do you not think your DD will be able to get the sort of job where she'll be able to earn enough to fund her own house in the future? Really, I think you're selling her short, I think she comes across as quite bright already, I'm sure you don't have to worry she won't be able to provide for herself as an adult. No really, you shouldn't worry."

noblegiraffe Sun 31-Mar-13 20:00:41

I'd have asked where she would live when her DD sold her house. What an odd thing to say.

SecretLindtBunny Sun 31-Mar-13 20:01:12

She sounds massively insecure.

Smile, wave and walk on by.

Keep your children grounded and maybe, just maybe the tables will turn in a decade or so and the mournful wail of "where did I go wrong" will be the topic of conversation.

sue52 Sun 31-Mar-13 20:01:16

I fully expect that the state will nab my house to take care of future health and care home costs, your sister in law is obviously planning on dying young if she knows with such certainty that her DD will inherit the lot. She sounds a pain, ignore and don't engage.

Hissy Sun 31-Mar-13 20:02:00

You've made a great mistake there love.

SIL does care what others think, very much. To the exclusion of all rational sense.

Chances are, your work ethic, attitude and common sense will be a far more positive spur to your DC than her with her spoilt DC.

I'm willing to bet that your DC will understand the value of work and money.

Your SIL is insecure and weak. She is all bluster. Given the choice people'd have WAY more time for you than her.

SneezingwakestheJesus Sun 31-Mar-13 20:02:09

I'm with previous poster who said nod and smile! My (ex) SIL has a dd almost the exact age (4 weeks difference) as dd and she's forever trying to engage me in competition. I just trot out the lines "oh how lovely" "aw, that will be nice for <her dd's name>" type things and it works! It kills the conversation dead. She texts me every so often too. The most recent was a blunt "can <dd's name> walk yet? My dd is starting to stand up!" She obviously wanted the old "no but my dd can do this" "well mine can do this" like she always tries for, so I just replied "aw well done <her dd's name> smile " and that was it. Its so peaceful this way haha!

Inseywinseyupthespout Sun 31-Mar-13 20:03:54

It the inadequacy that it makes me feel that gets me sad

I need to stop caring what she thinks and accept and respect my own parenting decisions, but when you are constantly told in a not so subtle way that your decision is wrong - it makes you doubt yourself .

The best one was , when DD1 was a newborn , SIL said "oh when i have a baby Im not going to risk putting those (ready to feed) cartons in the fridge until their immune system is better ...." This was whilst she was in my fridge getting some milk for a cup of tea !

Grrrr! angry

She has just actually emailed me asking if the DC had a nice Easter and what did they get ? I just know already how this is going to go ... Ill say a few eggs off different people and then she will reel off a full list of stuff her DD got .

I would avoid her but I sit right next to her at work sad

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Sun 31-Mar-13 20:04:15

MrsBourne, I hate to say it but your best friend doesn't sound like much of a friend sad

OP, your SIL sounds awful, but don't beat yourself up about getting drawn into her latest boast. It's very easy to get drawn into these sorts of things. What I tend to do with people like her is just smile and nod. Or sometimes I will just agree with them. This takes the wind right out of their sails as they want you to feel defensive and then to justify why you do things the way you do so that they can say yet more put downs to you.

Or what I do with one acquaintance, who is a total bragger and thinks she's the best at everything (Your SIL sounds very like her actually, even down to the buggy facing mummy thing), is I pretend to be a feckless, clueless parent with no routine and no rules, who knows nothing. This winds her up, as she wants people to compete with her.

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Sun 31-Mar-13 20:05:41

Just seen your latest post...

I would reply to her email saying yes they've all had an amazing Easter thank you very much. Don't answer her questions, and be as vague as possible with her. This will infuriate her, and also you are not giving her any ammunition to use against you and to use to put you down

LittleBairn Sun 31-Mar-13 20:07:29

I'm sorry but I'm PMSL she could be so nuts, she is essential being competitive over dying! You die you leave nothing, but she on the other hand will leave an inheritance.

TickTockGoesTheClock Sun 31-Mar-13 20:07:39

Sounds like my SIL. When I was pregnant with DS three years ago and was all excited when I purchased my Mamas and Papas pram, she decided to go on and on about how she was going to buy a Marc Jacobs limited edition Bugaboo hmm She wasn't even pregnant or planning to have children in the near future!

SneezingwakestheJesus Sun 31-Mar-13 20:08:36

Ooooh incey that's exactly what my ex SIL did on dd's birthday. I knew she would comment on the small number of pressies we gave her but I couldn't not reply because it would be rude. Maybe accepting she does it and inviting it so she knows it doesn't get to you would work? Something like "oh some eggs from off different people yum! Did you have a good Easter? How is dd enjoying her eggs?" Then when she lists it all and rambles on, reply again saying that her dd is lucky and she will enjoy eating them all! Then she hasn't got the rise out of you or the defensive reply that makes her feel better than you. My stepdad calls it playing the game and it really really works!

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