to have mentioned in conv that BIL is gay

(111 Posts)
MordecaiMargaret Sun 31-Mar-13 12:32:33

DH and I were over at new neighbour's house last night having a few glasses of wine.
We were talking about how our dc won't have as many cousins as we had. I have one sister and my H has one brother.
I said 'yeah, it doesn't look like ds will have any cousins because my sis doesn't want kids and H's bro is gay and doesn't want them either' and went on with the conversation . BIL has been out since he was 18, he's 40 now, it's not a secret at all.
When we came home my H said 'You outing my brother like that, wow'
He said it's not a secret but it's not for you to go talking about my family to anyone, I didn't think it was an issue to be kept hidden, it certainly isn't to BIL and I don't think he'd be annoyed at me for mentioning it.
My H and BIL aren't that close, BIL lives in another country and in fact, BIL and I speak more often, get on better than he and H does.
So as not to dripfeed, their mom didn't take the fact he was gay very well and even now won't tell a lot of her friends, his partner is Bil's 'housemate'

Anyway, wibu to have mentioned it, maybe I was being careless and should have thought before I spoke?

H is really, really pissed off with me, sulking & not talking, ignoring me.

motherinferior Mon 01-Apr-13 19:55:30

<wotcher harpsi>

<hey MI looks like I'm back in town LITTLE HAS CHANGED>

WilsonFrickett Mon 01-Apr-13 19:57:55

Well my 2p worth is that you shouldn't really speculate on why anyone may/may not want children. But the fact you 'leaked' that your DBil was gay in that context which is fine imo. It is perceived to be more difficult for gay people to adopt, so once you'd gone down the path of discussing their reasons for not having children, it was perfectly relevant to mention it. The question is, should you have been talking about something so personal in the first place?

But FWIW my DH is very private and would have said something like 'FFS Wilson you don't have to tell everyone you meet everything you know' and left it at that. Your DP's reaction is OTT and leads me to think he doesn't want people to know his DB's sexuality. Too hard to say from the info given if that's because he's ashamed of it, or if he thinks it should be private.

Pandemoniaa Mon 01-Apr-13 20:01:02

Your dh's decision to sulk and ignore you is completely U and very childish.

However, I can understand why suddenly dropping the fact that your BIL is gay into a conversation with your neighbours may have come as a shock to him if your DH is a fairly private person. It's not a question of homophobia, more a question of how much personal information is appropriate to share in a given context.

FarelyKnuts Mon 01-Apr-13 20:05:53

Unless you are "outing" someone who is not out, does it actually matter. As many above have pointed out, society "reveals" sexuality ALL THE TIME!! My DH, DW etc etc. As long as you are straight of course, no one bats an eyelid. It is presumed unless told otherwise. Why should it be, in this supposedly enlightened times of equality (haha) that we live in, a problem to reference a same sex relationship the same way?
As a lesbian with a child I am constantly presumed straight and constantly having to bloody well out myself because of this inherent assumption when I actually give not even a single shit if the whole world knows I am a lesbian nor do I care if the neighbours/my brother/ friends talk about me and mention my sexuality, even more so when I am not there and will never hear of the conversation anyway.

RubyGates Mon 01-Apr-13 20:10:53

How would your DH have reacted if you'd said "BIL and his partner Fred have decided that they don't want children"?

Because I think that's what I'd have said in the situation. Because it sugests that BIL isn't a control freak and has made a unilateral decision about whether to have children or not.

I don't think that in the context YWBU

complexnumber Mon 01-Apr-13 20:22:36

"The only reason you disagree with the 'same difference' example used Complex is because you think sexual orientation is ok to mention if it is heterosexual"

Absolute bollocks.

I just think people, regardless of their sexuality and/or differences have a right to chose who to disclose to.

And it is not up to the partners or siblings of others to chat about these things around dinner tablesl

motherinferior Mon 01-Apr-13 20:25:43

So I assume you keep your partner's gender a tight secret?

motherinferior Mon 01-Apr-13 20:26:46

Because I do mention Mr Inferior from time to time.

Same difference, like wot I said.

aurynne Mon 01-Apr-13 20:39:23

There was no NEED to mention your BIL is gay, but there is also nothing wrong with it either, so why all the fuss for mentioning it?

The OP did not mention her sister is straight because the majority of people are straight and, rightly or not, it is the assumed position. Would any of you (and I am referring to straight people) have a problem with anyone mentioning you're straight?

I am sure the OP's BIL would laugh out this ridiculous argument...

FierceBadIggi Mon 01-Apr-13 21:03:10

Seriously Complex, if someone asks you about your siblings you wouldn't say "well my brother Jim lives nearby with his wife and kids, and my sister moved to Australia with her boyfriend".?? You would think it too personal to say that? I think you are not being truthful/thinking this through. You would come across as very strange if you refused to reveal that kind of info to friends at a dinner party.

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