Is it fair that I am paying hen do costs for those who dropped out?

(79 Posts)
Mashedupbanana Sat 30-Mar-13 21:17:58

I've been invited to a friend's hen do. Her bridesmaids emailed the dates a couple of months ago and estimation of cost at £150pp but were hoping to bring the cost down.
Around 9 replied to say they would attend, however no one was asked for a deposit and we didn't hear any more about the hen until last week.
The bridesmaids booked accommodation and activities (non refundable) based on the 9 but since emailing to say what is now planned some have now dropped out (with good reasons).
The bridesmaids are now splitting the cost of those who have dropped out between those remaining. This seems reasonable enough but the cost has gone up by a further £100 each.
I had agreed to going based on it being £150 not £250 (and that doesn't include the night out).
As I work part time, in total this hen do will be half my monthly wages :-/
If I could, I would now not go, but I'm sorely aware this would push the price up again for everyone and would be really unfair.
I can't really think of a fair solution to this. If the bridesmaids had asked for a deposit before booking it would have been muh simpler, but its too late for that now. What should happen and what would you do?

CocacolaMum Tue 02-Apr-13 13:47:35

I would say don't go.
When I got hitched I just had a drink at my sisters and then a meal out for hen do.. mainly because 1 of my friends had 200 miles to travel and I thought it was unfair to expect her to pay for more than the Travelodge she was staying in to be able to be there..

..fast forward to her hen do.. she has 2. One was a night out in blackpool I had to travel 200 miles plus had to pay out for meal, bars, VIP area in a nightclub and then was made to feel bad that I hadn't turned up with a gift!! Next is the important one (because I am a bridesmaid I HAD to be there) which is a weekend in center parcs. I have already shelled out £150 for accommodation and I have NO idea how much it costs once you are there (The maid of honour has told me that we are only eating out once thank god) but I do not have a good feeling!! I am the only one of us all with a family (and therefore far less disposable income) but I just didn't feel like I could say no because the other 2 bridesmaids are already annoyed that I can't/won't offer to pay for my dress, shoes and accessories for the wedding (£200 dress, £50 shoes and £50 jacket) sad

Next time I get asked to be a part of someones wedding I think I will have to say no. Its all just far too pricey

LemonBreeland Tue 02-Apr-13 12:52:29

I think you are being very generous in your email OP. I agree with many others that you should drop out entirely.

It is not your fault thatthis event was badly planned, and you shouldn't have to suffer financially for it.

marquesas Tue 02-Apr-13 12:41:24

Please don't go, I actually feel a bit sick at the thought of you paying half your wages for something like this. Just explain it's too expensive, say sorry and try not to dwell on it. I can't believe the bride would want you to feel like this.

houseworkhater Tue 02-Apr-13 12:30:37

Oh I've also organised lots of trips to the theatre.

I have never exceeded the quote.

Simply ring the theatre get a quote and seat availability. Then ring the mini bus company get a quote and min/max seat numbers, relay this info. Get numbers with the full amount needed to secure the event. Book event. If someone pulls out you have their money and can try and sell their place, if not, no loss as all money collected.

I, too, read this and thought about that previous thread. I certainly wouldn't be parting with money without any evidence of actual costs and any money paid out by organisers.

SavoyCabbage Tue 02-Apr-13 12:28:45

I would call the venue too and try to overthrow the whole thing from the inside.

houseworkhater Tue 02-Apr-13 12:26:24

What a nightmare.

I have never been on a do where I didn't have to pay a deposit. How silly was the bridesmaid to book without full deposits.

I also don't hold with this business of price increases, a quote is a quote. It is so unfair to add on an extra £100 for someone's hen do!!!!

Seriously people there are so many threads like this why feel the need to be so excessive?

Have a meal and a drink in a pub.

musicismylife Tue 02-Apr-13 12:11:25

Hi op, I remember a similar thread about a hen do where the bride to be was caught out.

Hissy, I think we could be on about the same one. Usually accommodation is refundable within reasonable notice.

Hissy Mon 01-Apr-13 19:11:50

Are you absolutely sure that deposits have actually been paid.

We had a thread last year where all the above and it turned out there was no deposit paid.

Call the venue.

EmmaDale Mon 01-Apr-13 18:41:03

I simply wouldn't go. I feel sorry for the Bride but I don't think that the organisers have done her any favours.

From the info you've given, it doesn't sound as if you can comfortably afford to spend £250. It is a heck of a lot of money for a Hen do.

I detest the fashion for extended Hen celebrations - a night out is great but I honestly don't want to spend a lot of money or time with 9 other random women whilst I pretend to enjoy drinking silly amounts of alcohol, screechy loud conversations (with fake laughter) and pink girly stuff!.

As expat said, no is a complete sentence.

expatinscotland Mon 01-Apr-13 18:20:41

'As I work part time, in total this hen do will be half my monthly wages :-/
If I could, I would now not go, but I'm sorely aware this would push the price up again for everyone and would be really unfair.'

Is someone holding a gun to your head and forcing you to attend? You work part-time and she wants £250+ for a fucking hen do? 'No,' is a complete sentence.

WinkBingo Mon 01-Apr-13 18:01:45

I thought you couldn't go as high as £250? confused

I wouldn't be subbing everyone else with my hard-earned because of someone else's mistake.

You started off NBU, now, I think YABU by chucking your money away. confused

I would actually let them know, either by e-mail or drop it into conversation, that it's half your monthly wage. It might well be peanuts for them.

ImperialBlether Mon 01-Apr-13 11:17:44

I think you're absolutely mad to pay half of your monthly wage on a hen weekend and I think the bride and bridesmaids are out of their minds, too.

Is it something like this? They say you have to have eight there anyway, so your numbers would be too low to do it. They also allow you to cancel. When is the hen weekend?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sun 31-Mar-13 23:43:01

It is bloody absurd to spend that amount of money on a weekend away for someone that is about to get married. What happened to the old night on the town thing?

Absolutely bloody ridiculous.

Mashedupbanana Sun 31-Mar-13 23:29:53

The £250 is for 2 nights accommodation, it's a knockout and some food. We can't get others to join us for the activity as its a good few hours from where anyone lives (hence the hotel).
Right I've sent email saying I can't go above £250 total and I'll see what they say.

Snazzynewyear Sun 31-Mar-13 21:39:37

Tell them you can only pay the £150 for the activity and will have to drop out if it costs any more. I take it you haven't yet handed over any money? They will have to either split it between the others or chase the drop outs for their share.

If all the others sticking with it will get their hotel room and stuff paid for at the wedding, but you won't, I would be even more insistent that £150 is your limit.

JammySplodger's suggestion is good - they need to get more people to fill the spaces.

Floggingmolly Sun 31-Mar-13 21:20:28

£250 each to do It's a Knockout... Why, in the name of God, why?

WhoKnowsWhereTheChocolateGoes Sun 31-Mar-13 20:41:20

You sound like a very good friend. You'd have to pay me about £250 to get me to do It's a Knockout!

Though even £200 for one weekend is still alot to ask!

Say you can't go over £200 and see what they say.

In terms of the activity, can;t they see if they can get some other friends or family along, including blokes?

Mashedupbanana Sun 31-Mar-13 20:09:22

The activity is 'Its a Knock Out' which I'm sure will be fun and the bride is really keen on and this is the only thing she stipulated doing, it's a min of 8 to go so we have to stump up for the ones not going.

I am now the only one who is not a bridesmaid / close family. The bride is v generous and I'm sure will be paying for the dresses, shoes, hotel for these others at the wedding so they probably don't mind paying a bit more for the hen do. I'm going to email tonight to say I just can't go over £250 total and see what they suggest. Thanks for all your help, I was thinking maybe I was being a bit of a misery guts grin

PurpleBlossom Sun 31-Mar-13 19:18:50

How ridiculous.

The bridesmaids sound like a bunch of numpties and I'd want to know exactly what the other plans are, to check they haven't ballsed-up anything else.

I'd also only be paying the agreed £150 and if they complained dropping out too!

Please tell us the activity is OP?? I need to know! grin

LIZS Sun 31-Mar-13 18:14:34

How many have dropped out ? Must be almost half for that sort of increase. Agree just tell the bride it is beyond your budget now.

GrowSomeCress Sun 31-Mar-13 18:10:17

That is ridiculous - the whole hen/stag culture is getting OTT now.

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