to think I should have been told?

(231 Posts)
blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 12:41:25

We were at a Christening a week ago, DP told me today that my son (12 years old) was bullying his son (10 years old) and that someone had seen my son pushing his into a wall and also blocking him from going to the toilet and glaring at him.

I questioned my son today and he told me that DP's son had told him he was going to kill him and that he'd followed him to question him and ask him why and that he'd been in a bad mood and ignored him after that.

DP said a few people had come up to him at the Christening and said they'd seen my son push his into a wall and that my son was stalking him.

I've severely punished my son and have taken his X box from him and will be selling it and have also banned him from auditioning for a play he wanted to take part in.

The problem is my son is still vehemently denying everything and DP says his son had told him that he'd never said to mine that he'd kill him and was crying at the Christening.

Am I being unreasonable to be really angry that nobody told me whilst this was occurring so I could have dealt with it myself there and then? Also that DP has only just told me about it today?

I despise bullying and my son has never done anything like this before and I feel so angry and ashamed that he was behaving this way and other people noticed but I didn't.

wannaBe Fri 29-Mar-13 13:05:29

this idea that your dp only came to you a week later and brought all of these so-called other witnesses into the equation sounds a bit iffy to me tbh. I despise bullying too and if my ds was involved in bullying there would be hell to pay. But if a child came to me a week later and said "x did y and everyone saw it," I would probably have told them to stop telling tales because it was so long after the event iyswim. So I don't see why that wouldn't be the same with an adult.

It sounds to me as if your dp is deliberately trying to get your ds into trouble.

moonabove Fri 29-Mar-13 13:06:08

Well I think the fact that they didn't say it on the day is very telling - if it had been so serious of course people would have come to you. Your dp can't have it both ways - if it's boys will be boys then leave it, if it's bullying then his ds is equally guilty. His attitude to your ds sounds mean tbh.

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 13:07:26

I was told by DP that he was bullying him and the people who'd told DP had called it bullying.

Apparently my son was following DP's around and glaring at him and I was told he was rude to DP's brother too.

I can afford the play but refuse to make the effort to if he's going to misbehave.

Rehearsals are every night and they take up the entire summer holidays and everything is based on the play. I don't want to make that kind of sacrifice if he can't behave.

I feel so embarrassed and I don't understand why nobody though to tell me at the time!

badtime Fri 29-Mar-13 13:08:57

OP, why would you say your son was 'bullying' the other child if you aren't sure about the nature of the incident? Bullying is primarily emotional - a physical act needs to be placed in context before you can say whether or not it is 'bullying'. If your partner's son has been giving your son a hard time, this could also be interpreted as him being the bully (even with no physical act on his part) and your son 'sticking up for himself' (as we were always told to do in the old days).

You really need to clarify what happened.

KansasCityOctopus Fri 29-Mar-13 13:10:20

Right, so let me get this straight.

your ds is disabled, he's been bullied before, and some kid who has previously grabbed him around the throat, threatened to kill him so he pushed him.

and you're punishing your DS?

Sorry, by all means tell him off for retaliating, but i wouldnt be going as far as you were. DP's son clearly has issues and he should have been keeping an eye on him.

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 13:10:56

The reason it came up today was because DP told me his son had gone home afterwards and had been wetting the bed.

I asked how long the bedwetting had been going on for and he told me it was since when he came down here for the christening.

I then asked if something had upset him at the Christening as from what I know of bedwetting in older children it can often be due to emotional distress.

DP then told me about what my son had done.

moonabove Fri 29-Mar-13 13:11:08

What punishment did your dp give his son for grabbing your ds by the neck and saying he hated him? I think there's a bit of tit-for-tat going on here.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 29-Mar-13 13:11:21

A lot of people bandy the word bullying around. A one off incident is not bullying. I cannot repeat this enough. I am also a little concerned that both you and your DP seem so embarrassed with what other people say and think, rather than dealing with it with the boys.

LittleBairn Fri 29-Mar-13 13:11:29

I feel really sorry for your son considering the fact
He was assaulted and told he was hated
Gets into another scuffle, according to rumours your DS was at fault but no one told you about it. So how do your know what really happened?
DS gives a different version of events where this child was nasty to him again provoking him. His own mother doesn't believe him.
As a result of all this a WEEK later he's lost a prized possession, its going to be sold and he's been banned from auditioning.

What sort of punishment has the other child been given?
Personally I consider strangulation much more serious than a shove, your son is well within his right to go to the police over such a matter. At the very least SS may want to make sure he was safe guarded from further assault.

Your Poor DS being punished by the person he should trust most.

RubixCube Fri 29-Mar-13 13:12:09

I'd believe your ds just for the simple fact you've said that your dps son grabbed yours around the neck and told your dp he hated your ds.

countrykitten Fri 29-Mar-13 13:12:34

And you are being way too harsh - and remember too that this is not about your embarrassment, it's about your son.

Amazed that this play is in the Summer and you are refusing to allow him to take part and that you don't even know what happened.

Not a fan of bullies (if indeed that is what happened ) but I am starting to feel sorry for your ds.

badtime Fri 29-Mar-13 13:13:02

You obviously realise that it is odd that half the country has mentioned this to your partner but no-one said anything to you. Has it not occurred to you that your partner may be, um, exaggerating?

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 13:13:19

It wasn't me who said he'd been bullying him it was DP who said he was and the people at the Christening had said to DP that he was bullying.

Plus it wasn't just a one off incident of pushing, I was told that he'd been following DP's son around all afternoon and glaring at him and that he'd followed him into the toilets and blocked him from going to the toilet.

DontmindifIdo Fri 29-Mar-13 13:14:12

I wouldn't call that bullying at all - or would you say that your DP's DS bullied yours previously? They can't both be bullying each other. As your DS is the older boy, it could easily be others have interpreted him as a 'bully' to the other boy just because of that, whereas if it was the other way round, your DP's DS doing the exact same thing to your DS they might not have used the word 'bully' that you have reacted so strongly too.

So take the word 'bully' out of it that you hate and think about what you are told that happened and what has happened in the past between them. If you look at that, I would say your punishment was a bit much. Have you sold the X box yet? Can you give him a chance to 'earn' it back? Perhaps have him write a letter of apology to DP's DS and chores round the house for a fortnight?

Then talk to him about DP's DS, tell him he's not going to get into more trouble, he can say what happened, what the other boy said etc, what he actually did.

chocoluvva Fri 29-Mar-13 13:14:22

I second HotCrossPun's advice.

Boys are often very rough. Whether your DS's behaviour would count as bullying is debatable. There's no doubt that it was wrong, but equally, it sounds like he was sorely provoked. IMO your DP and you should not make a big deal of this - there were clearly faults on both sides. If you and your DP, who are the adults her after all, make an enormous deal out of it you will make matters worse.

Calmly sit down with both boys and your DP and try to get the full story from them. Try to then get them to say how they would like things to be from now on. Make them both apologise to each other and draw a line under it.

Please don't feel awful about your DS's behaviour - he's only 12. Keep instilling your values in him and acknowledging his good qualities.

RubixCube Fri 29-Mar-13 13:14:57

I'd be more worried that your dp is playing you off against your son.If it had been as bad as he said,he woukd have came to you straight away

chocoluvva Fri 29-Mar-13 13:14:59

Cross posting - sorry - I'm such a slow typist.

Mumsyblouse Fri 29-Mar-13 13:15:34

I am also worried that you are believing this story from your partner, whose son also has a strong reason to tell tales against your son, just as your son may have minimised what he did. As someone else said, who is to say given your son has already been threatened by this boy that he didn't retaliate to protect him.

What is your son getting out of this relationship, except threats and punishment and estrangement from you? Of course, perhaps he's a secret bully, but I would be very surprised if he suddenly started for no reason, given his own history of bullying and his disability, it just doesn't add up.

Your punishments are over the top as well, especially taking away the drama. Two weeks without X box is perfectly sufficient.

This is an unpleasant story to read, I feel something is very wrong underlying you and your partner's relationship (why unquestioningly accept his version of events through lots of people weeks later?) I also worry who is looking out for your son in all of this.

DontmindifIdo Fri 29-Mar-13 13:15:54

X posted, re the 'following around' - talk to your DS, you need to be clear that he's not getting in more trouble/won't have further punishment but you need all details. Glaring would be interesting to me, if your DS isn't normally like this could anything be said to make him glare? If someone had just said somehting horrible to me, they'd get a death stare back.

What about when you chat to the 10 year old - what does he say happened?

I wouldn't sell the xbox either, that's a wee bit exreme.

MrsCampbellBlack Fri 29-Mar-13 13:16:47

Sorry but where were you at the christening? Did you not see your ds at all?

All sounds very odd and I agree that you're being too harsh with your DS.

OrangePetals Fri 29-Mar-13 13:16:57

I think you should decide whether he can do the play based on cost/time commitments. These issues should not come into play when deciding how to deal with behaviour.

I think if you want him to tell you stuff in the future you should listen to his side and ask how he wants to make amends.

blueballoon79 Fri 29-Mar-13 13:17:41

DS doesnt know that DP's son said he hated him. DP's son just told DP that and DP told me.

I then said I didn't think it was a good idea for the two of them to be around each other afterwards as DP's children are down here so infrequently due to the massive distance away that they live and when they are down they stay at DP's house.

The two boys hadn't seen each other for at least a year and DP said it was so long ago and they'd be fine together so against my better judgement I relented.

DP's son was punished by DP and by his mother for the incident where he grabbed my son, but that was a year ago.

KansasCityOctopus Fri 29-Mar-13 13:17:49

Did you not spend any time with your DS during the christening? How could he have been following your DP's son around all day and glaring and you not notice?

INeedThatForkOff Fri 29-Mar-13 13:17:59

On whose side was the Christening, his, or yours? If his, could it be that some resentment against you has led to exaggerated shit stirring?

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