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to think you SHOULD have sex before marriage?

(101 Posts)

Watching 40 year old virgins on telly with DP (who I am living in sin with grin) and a bloke on the program is struggling as he was bought up to think that sex before marriage is wrong.

I personally think that sex is apart of getting know someone and going a way to fully understand your attraction and compatibility - therefore is essential before committing your life to that person.

I'm genuinely interested in what other people think. I went to a Catholic school so was bombarded with very strong "truths" to do with marriage etc.

PandaG Thu 28-Mar-13 22:44:01

sorry, but I'm with Weegiemum. have only had sex with DH, and first time for both of us was on our wedding night. 20 years later we are both very happy thanks.

INeedThatForkOff Thu 28-Mar-13 22:46:19

YANBU, and the idea of not living with someone before marriage is madness!

Annunziata Italy Thu 28-Mar-13 22:49:10

YANBU. I was so so scared on my wedding night, and too mortified to look at any of my parents/ PILs in the eye for weeks.

<bad Catholic>

Thing is, the people who have only ever had sex with the person they are now married to: You're not 'better' than other people, you were just lucky in that the person you chose to marry was either naturally sexually compatible with you or the two of you were both willing to learn together. Some people who 'wait for the wedding night' subsequently find out that the new partner has no interest in sex/is clumsy and spiteful about doing it/thinks that now you're married it can just happen all the time/is completely incompetent but unwilling to change.

Also, how are you defining 'sex'? Is the definitive act PIV, is premarital kissing with tongues OK?

elQuintoConyo Thu 28-Mar-13 22:53:24

YABVU

People SHOULD be left alone to do what they want.

What next, 'people should have sex before university'?, 'people should have at least 5 sexual partners before they marry', 'people must practise with at least one warm apple pie before thier wedding night'??

elQuintoConyo Thu 28-Mar-13 22:55:35

'People must learn to proofread and check spelling of 'their' before posting'. [Hmm]

skaen Thu 28-Mar-13 22:56:05

YANBU. I would perhaps have said YABU before I had a boyfriend who I got on really well with, lots in common etc but he was absolutely rubbish in bed. Dreadful. Appalling. And horrified that I tried to suggest improvements. After that sex was an early and fundamental requirement!

elQuintoConyo - You won't be signing my petition to parliament then to outlaw virginity?

Please note that I have no problem with people waiting - for me PERSONALLY i wouldn't feel ready to dedicate my life to someone without knowing them completely

HavingALittleFaithBaby Thu 28-Mar-13 22:57:38

YABU - to say that people 'should'. Depends on circumstances and individuals. I've only ever been with DH, lost my virginity on our wedding afternoon night smile We are compatible but I never really worried we wouldn't be. He wasn't a virgin by the way but respected my choice to wait. Our sex drives have varied since we married - he had health problems that decreased his libido which are now resolved but since I got pregnant I could take it or leave it! But throughout its been enjoyable. We also talked about the reality of it all beforehand and what we expected from our relationship which I think helped.

I don't think I'm better than people who didn't wait but I don't regret my decision to wait. I'd only had I've serious relationship before DH and I'm really glad I didn't sleep with him.

abbyfromoz Thu 28-Mar-13 22:58:44

my sister (19 year old virgin) married ex serial womaniser turned born again Christian... (Judgey pants alert)
I felt sad as she would never know any different- but he would! Grrr!
That being said 8 years later they seem....errr happy... In their own way and i suppose that's what it all balls down to. To each their own... Unless you are my sister then... Well you know... No one will ever be good enough wink

bad wording with "should" sorry smile

aquashiv Thu 28-Mar-13 23:00:26

Yes you should have sex before marriage because you sure as hell wont have it afterwards...

WorraLiberty England Thu 28-Mar-13 23:02:22

I suppose it depends on what time the wedding is?

SolidGoldBrass - I agree. In my mind having sex with someone and living with them before marriage is minimising a risk.

I'm not talking about experiencing sex as a whole but sex with your potential partner for life

HavingALittleFaithBaby Thu 28-Mar-13 23:08:46

Like giving them a test drive seventh?!

SinisterBuggyMonth Thu 28-Mar-13 23:16:46

Yanbu. Its a gamble not to try before you buy.

Also I've never married, so I would be technically fucked or not

ComposHat Belgium Thu 28-Mar-13 23:17:43

wait for the wedding night' subsequently find out that the new partner has no interest in sex/is clumsy and spiteful about doing it/thinks that now

I know a couple who this happened to. Both hardcore Christians, both lovely people, but sex was a let down for both of them and very painful for her. I'm not sure of the state of their marriage now, but they certainly had an extraordinary difficult few years.

Marriage is a huge commitment, emotionally and financially. To end up finding you are sexually incompatible after you are are married seems extraordinarily risky. Not one I'd be prepared to take.

SummerFin Thu 28-Mar-13 23:20:42

I would have to sleep with someone before I married them. Would probably be a deal breaker for me if they wanted to wait until marriage.

But then I would never judge anyone for holding the view that their virginity is sacred.

McBalls Thu 28-Mar-13 23:30:38

No such thing as should - personal choice and all that.

I wouldn't wait because I don't want to buuuuut I don't think knowing whether you're sexually compatible is vital, may as well say don't marry until you've seen how your beloved deals with sleepless nights with a newborn or how well they support you through the death of your mum...whether or not the sex is good is fairly insignificant in comparison to the other shite life will kick up.

To be clear, I think an unhappy/ unfulfilling sex life is bloody soul destroying and I couldn't live with it, it's more of a pedantic point I'm making <ramble ramble>

ClairityVerity Thu 28-Mar-13 23:40:57

ComposHat: "Marriage is a huge commitment, emotionally and financially. To end up finding you are sexually incompatible after you are are married seems extraordinarily risky. Not one I'd be prepared to take."

DH and I didn't have sex with anyone before we got married. I wish we had. And I wish we'd lived together before getting married as well. Had I done so I'd probably have finally decided to settle with someone else. sad

ClarityVerity - I'm sorry to hear that flowers

Morloth Thu 28-Mar-13 23:54:48

I don't think there is any 'should'.

DH and I have only ever had sex with each other, it suits me. He knows exactly what I like and how I like it and I him.

People should do what suits them.

Still18atheart Thu 28-Mar-13 23:55:20

Personally I'm glad that I have had sex before marriage partly to sow wild oats etc and also to know that there are different types of sex and relationships etc

However, I can totally see why people would to wait and only have sex after the sex. It's all down to the individual.

ThisIsMummyPig Fri 29-Mar-13 00:00:59

I had sex with 10-20 men before I met DH (genuinely can't remember, I just know I lied to get it under 10). DH was not the best in bed, but he was a very, very nice bloke. Actually that is enough.

The bloke who was the best in bed probably cheated on me, and definately cheated on the girl he went out with after me, and was engaged to.

I'm glad sex wasn't the be all and end all.

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