To not want to look after my step daughter overnight?

(322 Posts)
LookingForwardToMarch Thu 28-Mar-13 15:58:27

Ok don't flame me please...(sorry long)

My DP's daughter is ten and coming to stay for the easter holiday. It will be nice as 5 weeks ago our DD was born and hasnt spent much time with her yet.

But my problem is this. DP works overnight sometimes and before sd would stay with Mil at those times and with us when he wasnt at work.

Anyway Mil just said to me that it would be 'nice' if I looked after sd now when dp is at work! And got very snotty with when i said i wasnt comfy with that.

My reasons were
1. Sd likes me ( i think) but we dont have what id call a close relationship

2. Breastfeeding a hungry reflux baby is taking it out of me a bit, and im not sure how I will cope with a sometimes very hyper sd, baby and a puppy!

3. Im at college full time and have 2 massive projects to do. Was hoping to complete these when dh was at work and sd at mil's

AIBU or is Mil right and Im a horrible person?

SneezingwakestheJesus Thu 28-Mar-13 16:01:51

You're not a horrible person and it would be nice if you could have sd overnight by yourself so she feels part of the family even when her dad isn't there but it seems to be just a case of bad timing right now with everything you've got on. Maybe once your projects are done you can have her stay over.

boredboy Thu 28-Mar-13 16:03:37

2 children in your family and you only want one of them in the house overnight? I think you answered your own question already.

Poppet48 Thu 28-Mar-13 16:05:57

You have a lot of your plate at the minute so it is totally understandable to not want to have her overnight but I think in the future it would be nice for you to have her overnight (When you're less busy).

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 28-Mar-13 16:06:30

i would see it as a way of building a closer relationship if you decide to go ahead it could be good but i do see why you dont feel able too with college work to do as well

EggyFucker Thu 28-Mar-13 16:07:50

I think your MIL is right, sorry

Bit harsh Boredboy , baby is only 5 weeks old and op has said she's struggling a little.

FrustratedSycamoresRocks Thu 28-Mar-13 16:11:38

Hard one to call. And I expect you'll get alot of different responses to your post.

Does SD sleep over when DP isn't working?

Ultimately I think your DP needs to speak to his mother about whether she is happy to continue with the arrangement of SD staying there. Is there some reason why MIL thinks this arrangement has to change now? think MIL is being slightly U throwing it on you when you are overwhelmed with a 5wo baby.

gruffalocake Thu 28-Mar-13 16:13:43

I think it's quite sad you don't see her as an integral part of the family. Now you have a dd you will always be connected to your dsd as she is your dds sister. I understand it's tough with baby but your excuses are a little bit contradictory ( you are tired and busy dealing with dd but you also want to get working on a uni project).

I don't think anyone can blame you for feeling as you do but I do think the right thing to do is to put yourself out for your dsd sake.

FreyaSnow Thu 28-Mar-13 16:13:45

If you are really not going to able to spend time with her because you are busy doing college work, it might be better for her first evening with you to be arranged for a time when you can give her more attention.

greendental Thu 28-Mar-13 16:15:21

I'm confused that you've had a baby with dp but you're not close to your sd.

Squitten Thu 28-Mar-13 16:16:30

I'm afraid I don't have any sympathy with juggling multiple children - you'd have the same problem if you had two of your own. That's part of the job and you have to suck it up. On the other hand, I wouldn't think it was out of order to ask your MIL to give a hand with the kids if you have work to do.

I think you have to a) be honest about the reasons you don't want her to stay overnight - if it's really that you are just feeling uncomfortable with her then you have to get over it, and b) be prepared to have to get on without help from your MIL. Whilst it's nice to get help, she's not obligated I'm afraid

myroomisatip Thu 28-Mar-13 16:16:41

So you have just had your own DD? I do not think you are being at all UR. You are still adjusting to motherhood and getting to know your own little one as well as everything else that is going on.

No. YANBU since your DP will not be there to help.

Hugglepuff Thu 28-Mar-13 16:17:45

I get that it is exhausting with a new baby - but she is your sd's sister and I think it would be lovely for sd to feel part of the family. Bit of a pity the MIL had to step in though.

corlan Thu 28-Mar-13 16:19:13

It really comes across in your OP that you see your step daughter as a bit of an inconvenience.

You will never have a 'close' relationship unless you treat her as part of your family.

squeakytoy Thu 28-Mar-13 16:19:49

Sorry but I do think your MIL is right. Your stepdaughter should feel as much a part of the family as her sister, and right now when you have just had a baby is the time when she is likely to feel most insecure.

Your MIL is right! She is your DD's step sister, she is your DH's daughter - why should she be shipped off to your MIL's. YO won't build a close relationship if you don't commit to her - this is what happens when you get involved with people who have children. Don't make her feel second best to your baby and puppy.

FreyaSnow Thu 28-Mar-13 16:21:25

What does your dsd want to do? Does she want to stay with you or stay with her grandma?

Floralnomad Thu 28-Mar-13 16:22:31

YABU ,its hardly your SD s fault that you have college work or a puppy and TBH she should come above both of those in the pecking order .

RedHelenB Thu 28-Mar-13 16:22:59

At 1o she could help with her baby sister & let you get on with some work!!!

Bobyan Thu 28-Mar-13 16:24:04

Nothing like making your step-daughter feel like part of the family...

ruledbyheart Thu 28-Mar-13 16:25:47

Yabu she is your step daughter she was there before your baby, its not a sudden thing so why not try and bond with her, yes it's hard having a newborn and you having a puppy shouldn't come into it as your SD surely should come before a dog but you need to suck it up, in all honesty you are coming across like your SD is an inconvenience.

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 28-Mar-13 16:26:21

You have a puppy? Why can't SD play with it and look after it a bit?
Or get a DVD or two and let her slob out after a tough term?
get your partner to put some thought into what she'd like to do, explain the situation to DSD and ask her.
Put some effort into the relationship.

Sorry but I agree with your MIL - not that you're a horrible person, but that you should spend some time looking after your SD. She is your family too, even more than ever now you are the mother to her sibling.

And it's not as if she's a baby - at ten she doesn't need watching or entertaining constantly. I bet she would love to spend some time with you helping you look after the baby. Letting her in to your life a bit more is the only way you will have a 'close relationship'.

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Thu 28-Mar-13 16:27:23

Why did you get a puppy? Presumably you knew you were pregnant when making this purchase? I think YABU as if she was yours you couldnt just ship her off. She is going to have a bed time, and may actually be able to help you.

Your OP sounds like you deem her less important than your bloody dog...shock

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