For not wanting SIL as my babies child minder?

(70 Posts)
flossy101 Thu 28-Mar-13 15:56:33

My SIL (DH's younger sister) is a SAHM to her 3 children, aged 2, 3 and 6, her partner is a brickie by trade but he just picks up bits if work here and there, doesn't earn a steady income, and this causes issues with their benefits and they are always short of money. MIL and SIL think they have found the perfect solution to this, and it's me paying SIL to mind my baby when I go back to work after my mat leave ends

Now, MIL mentioned this before my DS (now 8.5 months) was even born, I was abit taken aback as she isn't a qualified childminder or anything like that and to be honest she struggles with her own 3 without adding another to the mix, I said I wasn't sure what hours I would be doing/long time off yet etc. They got increasingly persistent, they have made "enquiries" as to the going rate for a childminder and SIL says she will give me 10% off as "we're family" and "technically" she isn't registered. (She has no plans to register fwiw).

Now I know some people would love to leave their baby with a family member and some don't agree that nursery is the best place for a baby but I really don't want SIL looking after him, for the following reasons;

- I find her quite lazy, now I really know that having 3 kids must be hard work but she doesn't go anywhere/do anything with them 5 days a week just sits at home, going to the shop is a big mission to her, i take DS to baby groups most days and Surestart run ones for under 5s so I've suggested meeting up there but she's says it too hard to get two kids up and out, her 3 year old had a pre school place but she stopped taking him because it was too stressful having to go out at lunch time to pick him up.

They just seem to watch tv all day, and they eat crap, which is fine, but not what I want for my DS if I am paying for it!

So anyway we have been looking at nurseries and found a great one (it will be for two days a week, going back part time) and DH told mil we had paid the deposit, mil has gone quite mad saying how can we give £80 per week to a nursery when we could be giving that money to family to help them out.

I've said I'm not comfortable with the exchange of money between family, her not being registered, is this benefit fraud etc etc but they both dismiss my concerns and think I'm "over thinking" and "creating problems where there aren't any".

DH agrees its not a good idea and has told his Mum and Sister but they are mad mad mad!! His Mum has said she doesn't want to speak to us until we figure out where our loyalties lie. Argh!

Who is being unreasonable?

SneezingwakestheJesus Thu 28-Mar-13 15:59:13

YANBU, they are. Its illegal anyway but putting that aside, choosing someone to look after your dc is hard enough without family trying to pressure you into using them. Maybe you could find a way to present it more on the angle of wanting a nursery rather than a childminder so they stop making it so personal.

DefiniteMaybe Thu 28-Mar-13 15:59:34

Yanbu. I'm pretty sure it would be illegal to pay her to look after your dc without her being registered. It would be benefit fraud too if she didn't declare it.

Tailtwister Thu 28-Mar-13 16:00:14

I could be wrong, but I think as you say that she would need to be registered.

Also, it sounds as if she's got enough on her plate and tbh I wouldn't want their proposed arrangement either. If she wants to become a childminder she should register the same as everyone else and have the appropriate checks.

Stick to your guns, it's not your job to supplement their income.

Machli Thu 28-Mar-13 16:00:39

I would not do this in a million years.

hotcrosbum Thu 28-Mar-13 16:01:07

Yanbu in anyway, I would say no to that situation as well.

She would also be commiting benefit fraud. It also sounds like your ds would be much better of at a nursery.

thebody Thu 28-Mar-13 16:01:09

Your sil will be braking the law if she isn't registered as a cm.

She will have no insurance personal and business or car which you need ( ex cm).

She could be prosecuted for this and for benefit fraud.

She sounds mad.

You must be mad to even entertain the possibility of this.

Oh and your loyalties lie with your child.

Grab this get out of jail card free and break contact.

Poppet48 Thu 28-Mar-13 16:01:25

YADNBU to not want your SIL to 'child mind' No way on earth would she be looking after my DS due to not being registered, Benefit fraud and already talking to family about a payment. Don't worry about your MIL, she will soon realise how unreasonable she is being.

However, YABU to be so judgemental of how your SIL brings up her own children.

greenfolder Thu 28-Mar-13 16:03:09

your instincts are 100% right to go with nursery.

can you not smooth over by saying that you get vouchers that can only be used with registered childcare?

Wossname Thu 28-Mar-13 16:04:03

Agree with thebody, tell your mil that your loyalties lie with your baby.

flossy101 Thu 28-Mar-13 16:04:58

I don't mean to be judgemental of the way she brings her children up, just trying to put across why it's not my first choice.

She is lovely, and I feel like a cow for saying mean things. I just want to make my own childcare decisions without being made to feel guilty.

Snowyelephantshavewrinkles Thu 28-Mar-13 16:05:07

YANBU at all. Tell your MIL that your loyalty lies with your son. What they are saying is against the law.

thebody Thu 28-Mar-13 16:05:34

Errrr green!! There are many fantastic child minders as well as nurseries who are ofsted registered and just as regulated.!!

Please read child minder thread on mumsnet.

Op your sil is NOT a childminder.

cantspel Thu 28-Mar-13 16:07:52

Lie and tell her you are getting child care vouchers via your employer and they can only be used in proper registered child care.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 28-Mar-13 16:08:04

I don't blame you.

If you want to take the coward's way out, you could always say that you get childcare vouchers and they are only able to be used by nurseries or registered childminders.

That way it can't be seen as your 'fault' or you not wanting to help them out.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 28-Mar-13 16:09:22

Sorry, I see green and thebody have already said the same thing.

Cuddlydragon Thu 28-Mar-13 16:09:24

YANBU. Your loyalties do lie with your family, your own family, your child. I wouldn't want this care for my baby.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 28-Mar-13 16:09:41

cantspel, I mean.

EldritchCleavage Thu 28-Mar-13 16:09:50

Quite apart from the legalities and SIL's lack of motivation, look at the dynamics:

-you are being pressured into an arrangement. Not because it is any good for you, or your child, but because your SIL wants the money;

-you are being pressured mostly by MIL, not SIL. SIL probably doesn't even want to look after your child she's just going along with her MIL's income-generating idea;

-the minute you express doubts or assert yourselves, you and your DH are getting a full-on emotional blackmail/anger reaction from SIL and especially MIL.

How is that going to work as a childcare arrangement? Do you think you could ever take SIL to task about anything, or raise concerns, or ask for anything to be done, without getting the MIL bulldozer treatment?

Why pay SIL for something that doesn't sound as though it would be all that good, when you can pay professionals not much more to do it properly and legally? The important person here is of course your DS, not your SIL, and nothing about this suggestion sounds beneficial to him.

Yanbu. If you picked a registered childminder you could say you wanted to choose one who would go to playgroups etc and feed him certain foods but v hard to do this with a family member

MajaBiene Thu 28-Mar-13 16:12:27

I don't think does have to be registered actually as she is the baby's aunt.

But in any case, it would be a nightmare. You have differing parenting styles, and you would be constantly unhappy about your DS's care.

Definitely stick to saying no - say you need to use a registered provider and that's the end of it.

juanca Thu 28-Mar-13 16:15:57

Just say no. If MIL doesn't want to speak to you for a while, even better, let her cool off.

This has nothing to do with what's best for your child, and everything to do with money. Sad, sad, sad.

Ashoething Thu 28-Mar-13 16:16:20

I am in a similiar position op but its with a friend. She is dropping massive hints about me minding her dc when she goes back to work next year. Now she is a very good friend and has helped with my dcs-babysitting so dh and I could go for a couple of meals. But I am not happy to become her cm when I am not registered-plus I was planning on going back to college/trying to get work when my youngsest starts school.

Aahh its difficult as I want to be a good friend!-good luck op as it must be ten times worse when its family!

cantspel Thu 28-Mar-13 16:18:17

MajaBiene If the aunt is being paid to do it then she needs to be registered

VodkaRevelation Thu 28-Mar-13 16:20:13

Agree with the childcare vouchers suggestion. If you have found a good nursery you son will get a much higher level of care than your SIL appears to be offering. I wouldn't choose to leave my child with any child minder who was just in it for some extra cash!

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